I am a new wife and mother and just the other day have learned of my husband's cheating. A little about us; We met almost 3 years ago at a time where we were both heavily involved in playing pool and drinking. When we got married, we got preganant on our honeymoon and that's when our lives began to grow apart. I stopped drinking immediatly and had to cut my time down at the pool hall because of all the smoke. Before we agreed to get married, we talked about how when children were involved (including pregnancy) all the drinking would stop. He just couldn't. He already has lost his license because of 2 DWI's and I should have known that he wouldn't stop. All of our arguments stem from either drinking or pool (where he spends a lot of his time). I now see that it's just that they go hand in hand.
Anyway, 3 months ago, I brought my 2 month old baby to Florida to meet my parents. My H couldn't come because of work but he found pleanty of time to drink and play pool. Aparantly he found time for other things as well.
2 days ago, I recieved an anonomous letter in the mail telling me about his cheating on me while I was away. The girl who it happened with was someone who a few years ago I helped get through a difficult time in her life. It is my H's best friend's sister. It took him several hours to actually admit to it. It happened not only in our home, but even in the bed that we share. He couldn't remember half of the details as they are clouded by his drunkeness of that night. I left to go to my sister's house and left him in the house alone. I made him go out and buy me a new bed and sheets which he did that day.
I know that he is remorseful about what he did. He is willing to do anything to make this marriage work. We have been in counseling now for a few months which will continue. He has also agreed to see an alcohol counseler and a therapist on his own. He is willing to do anything.
I don't know what to do. Do I forgive him? Take him back? Should I feel better that he barely remembers it? When will I be able to make a decision on the future of this family? Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation where alcohol and a one night stand was involved? Can couples really move on and forget about such a terrable act? I so badly want answers. I need help.

The most important thing is that your husband stop drinking. I think you already know that. Two DWI's tells me that he is an alcoholic. Until he gets in recovery, I don't see too much hope for your marriage.

It's too bad you didn't come here the day you confronted him because I would have told you to tell him to go to AA as a condition of taking him back. He has a serious drinking problem, dm, and it should give you NO comfort that he doesn't remember doing some other woman in your own bed. That should scare the hell out of you, because it means he is a blackout drunk. That means he is pretty bad.

Your H has a drinking problem, dm. You have married an alcoholic. The problem is not necessarily your marriage, but his drinking. You can't even begin to work on your marriage until that problem is handled.

I would not even bother with him until he stops drinking and goes to AA. Otherwise, this will only get worse. I PROMISE you. And you should set this boundary NOW while he feels remorse, because when the heat wears off he will be right back at it. Tell him it's AA or the hi-way.

And tell him this NOW while the shame and disgust is fresh on his mind. Its best to approach an alcoholic when they are remorseful, because he will blank this all out in a couple of days.

I would also suggest that you get yourself to Alanon meetings. They can support you and help you in understanding what you are really dealing with. And adultery is the LEAST of your problems, I am afraid to say.

My H had ONS w/ a co-worker after nights of drinking. I was home with a young son and pregnant with our second. I knew he had a drinking problem (I grew up with an alcoholic father). I nagged so much that he cut back considerably. Unbeknownst to me, he had replaced it with a drug addiction.

We could not recover from the As or rebuild our marriage until he took care of his alcohol/drug addiction. MB concepts won't work until your H has his addiction under control. Has he admitted to being an alcoholic? He needs to quit drinking!!

My H spent 28 days in a rehab. He has been sober for 3 years. He is a better husband and father than ever.

So...YES! There is hope!

Tatertot

Thank you so much for your responses. Yes, my husband has agreed to an alcohol couseler and swears to quit drinking and playing pool. We managed to see our counseler the day after I found out and he was able to admit to his problem. He says he is seeing how it ruining his life. I also grew up with an alcoholic father, but never thought I would be in this situation myself. He is well aware that he is not allowed back into my life until I see that he is not only getting the help he needs, but is also making better decisions in his life in general. It is so good to hear of people recovering from such a thing. But I have heard the promises of quitting drinking before. This is the first time, however that he is willing to admit to alcoholism and is also willing to get help. Will the pain of his cheating ever go away? There is this thought in my head as crazy as it sounds that this may have been the only way he would have ever agreed to counsiling. Does anyone else see their affairs as an event that eventually made their marriage stronger? Is it worth it to try harder because of our child?

CV(me) 26
JV(husband) 30
DV (son) 5 months
M- 1 year

Please don't give up yet!

Once he is clean and sober and no longer hanging out in the pool hall (sorry, this is NO place for someone with a family to be hanging out!), you can address the A. I recommend the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

I can honestly say my H is a better husband and father now that he is sober. I still don't completely trust him, but I don't have any reason not to at this point. I always know where he is, he comes home directly after work, we have (almost)dug ourselves out of credit woes, his extra-curricular activities include his family,he is more loving and attentive towards me and the kids. I still have triggers but the pain does get better with time.

DM, make sure he gets REAL HELP for his drinking, not just counseling. He needs to go to AA if he is going to successfully quit drinking. Counseling is nice and cute, but an alcoholic needs AA.

And you need to go to Alanon to be made aware of the tricks he will try to get you to agree to let him start drinking again.

See, as soon as the heat dies down, he will try and get you to agree to allow him have "a few" at home again. And as he builds up trust and he sees you are off his back, he will ask for more and more.

You need to understand that an alcoholic cannot even have ONE drink or they will be right back to where they were before in no time. This is why he needs AA and you need Alanon. They will keep him honest and you informed.

Just know that talk is cheap with an alcoholic. You should not believe anything he says. You should only believe what he DOES. An alcoholic will promise ANYTHING to get someone off their back, just know that, and don't settle for words. Talk is cheap!

If I were you, I would make it a condition of return that he go to 90 meetings in 90 days, stay out of bars and not have one drink before he comes back. That would be an excellent demonstration of his committment to you and give him a great start in AA.

What a great idea. I agree about the starting with one,growing back to another. I am an ex smoker and I know through trial and error that one drag of a butt and I will be a smoker again. It's so much the same. You try to convince yourself that you are in control until you are worse off than when you started. He is saying that he doesn't know if he needs AA. But we are in a point in our marriage where his actions are going to make or break us. I really truely hope that he makes a decision for himself that will posatively impact himself and his family forever. I need him to. But unfortunetly, his change is not in my hands.

DM, an alcoholic needs motivation to change. They won't change unless FORCED to. Believe me, all those people in AA did not just suddenly wake up one day and see the error of their ways and drive happily to an AA meeting. Most are there at the point of a shotgun. And you have enormous leverage right now with your husband. I hope you don't throw that leverage away because you won't have it for long once his guilt and shame start wearing off.

The best thing that ever happened to me was on April 25, 1985, my DH told me it was AA or the hiway. I didn't "need" AA either, I told him. He said, that's nice, but if you want to live here, you go to AA 7 days a week and never drink again. I will be forever grateful to my XH for not backing down on this. I celebrated 20 years without a drink last April, only because of his ultimatum.

Trust me, he needs AA if he is going to stop drinking and stay stopped. Because the drinking is just a result of a living problem. And unless that living problem is addressed and corrected, he will always come back to drinking. Just stopping is about 1/10th the battle. So don't let him tell you he doesn't "need" AA. Stick to your guns while you have him on the ropes, dm, and don't let up!

When your H tells you he doesn't "need" AA, remind him that those people at AA are sober, and that it was OWN brilliant thinking that got him where he is today.

I took your advise and told him that he will need to add AA to the list of MUST DO things for me to even consider going forward with this marriage. I still don't know what I will choose to do. He says he is more than willing to do what it takes to make this work including going to AA as well as the counseling. I am praying with all that I have that he actually follows through with all these promises. I need this family. I want this family to work. It's so hard when there are things going on that I have no control over. The only thing I CAN do at this point is make the necessary decisions to protect myself and hope that the H follows suit. He seems so invested right now. I hope it is sincere

DM, good girl! I would suggest calling up AA in the phone book and ask to have a male sponsor call you from AA. When the man calls, tell him your H has a drinking problem and will be joining AA and would like his guidance. Ask him where the best meetings are for your H and take down the times and addresses. Would he be willing to be a short term sponsor for your DH and guide him to the meetings **IF** YOUR HUSBAND WILL CALL HIM? [he will likely say yes]

Then you can call your H and tell him these meeting times and places and give him the name of this AA sponsor to call.

He is probably very confused right now and this would help him along. It would be great if you could get him to a meeting tonight. My H drove me to the first 10-15 meetings and sat out in the parking lot. You don't have to do that, but it would be good to make SURE he follows through and then leave the rest to him. You can't make him sober up but you can sure do alot to get him to those meetings.

I really appreciate as all this information about AA. It's also really helpful to me to figure out what I need to do to help him that I can keep my boundaries. Any more AA or alcoholic advise would be great. Are there any books like "After the Affair" that are related to alcohol? I plan on going to AlAnon because I know that it will help me in the long run even if this were to not work out. Thank you so much for your support.

DM, ask the ladies at Alanon for any reading material they could recommend. But most of all, please go to those meetings. They can help you manuever the land mines and teach you how to protect yourself. We alcoholics used to HATE IT when our spouses joined Alanon because we could never bs our spouse anymore! We couldn't get away with nothing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />