Friends

I have the opportunity to work abroad for six weeks. It will be interesting and challenging work in a very interesting location.

Would a time apart slow rcovery or reinvigorate it?

Pros and cons of my accepting the assignment, anyone ?

thanks !

Think about POJA and RH, outline how this weighs against your M. Then come back with your thoughts.

L.

RH would be the hard one Orchid. I told Squid it is voluntary, but I refused a LOT of these engagements in the last year. It would look FAR better for me at work if I accepted this one.

Also in part I think a break from Squid would be good. We live din each others pockets for a lot of the past year now.

Spending 15 hours minimum together etc.

But how fragile Squid is right now my saying I wouldn't mind the opportunity to miss her might really upset her. But to tell her anything else isn't RH.

I was away in vegas for 2 weeks in January and that wasn;t ad. Squid missed me and I missed her. 6 weeks is another thing altogether though.

Could you come back at weekends even occasionally? Or could she join you sometimes?

6 weeks is a long time.

Hubby was posted abroad. For 5 weeks he lived overseas on his own while I got the house ready to rent in the UK. He popped back most weekends, although a lot of those weekends were spent driving too and from the airport!

Bob, A year isn't very long since d-day?? How comfortable would you be about Squid? A's send one a little nutzo in the reasoning department. You might start to imagine things. Actually the last time H and I were apart (after Easter) H had said call him on his mobile anytime. He had told me he was going out with friends. So I called him about the time he should be returning home (a Friday nite). I called him every 30 minutes until 4am. No answer. Mobile was turned off. I was obsessed with horrible thoughts. I took a large sedative with 2/3 a bottle of wine. I didn't hear the door-bell at 7.30 am the next morning and so he phoned to ask me to open the door, he'd flown from HK to Melbourne to surprise me. He flew down for one night - 9 hours - to spend Saturday nite with me. Then back to HK on Sunday nite. We don't tell people this kind of thing as it shows everyone how crazy we've become. Both of us are as daft as brush's. Having said that - if you are quite certain that you won't fret about Squid - I think the time apart might be good for you... to ponder everything.... and give you some perspective.

But if you go, will you have internet connection? Your obligation to Squid is one thing but don't forget your MB mates!

hehehe!
yeah, bugger off and have a good time!
AN

Bob, seperations like this are very hard on marriages because the folks become detached while living apart. I think it would slow your recovery at a critical time when you are building your marriage. You could easily become detached again, if you aren't living together.

what does squid think?

Hmm. Thanks friends.

I think you all make good points.

Nikko, I haven't proposed to Squid yet. It will be a major POJA if I do propose it, but I ma worried how she will take it. She's pretty clingy these past weeks what with her Mom so sick and her shame and guilt catching up with her so forcefully recently.

I think my consideration of the assignment is in part to get away from Squid for a while. To miss her. To maybe even have her miss me.

But like Mel says although I feel I've been carrying all this for ever, its only been a year and Squid is pretty delicate right now.

It WOULD be an adventure though and I haven't had one of those since before d-day.

Dunno , much to think of.

Bob,

I say go! Only if you POJA this with her and she is in agreement. I would be great if she could join you for a bit - but with how well you're doing in recovery, I don't see a problem.

There's personal recovery in addition to marital recovery..maybe time away would be good for you personally. Especially if the adventure is interesting to you.

Dunno Csue...If my intentions and motivations were all positive then I would go for it but....they're not.

I'd like a break and I'd like to see if Squid missed me. Not good reasons to do this thing especially while Squids mom is so ill.

Bob,

I don't know how she'll feel about it, but personally I wouldn't want my husband to leave while I'm dealing with that sort of situation. And I'm a military wife so I've been there, done that. It stinks.

However, if she honestly does support it, then feel free. There may be enough of an issue with FS for it to be worth it to both of you. Just have a heart to heart talk about everything involved.

Dobie

Bo - My parents are both very sick now, and my WH has not been there at all for support. This is a HUGE thing for me. I say don't go, even if Squid agrees.

As you have guessed I'm with you B and dobie.

It just doesn't sound like a 'bob' thing to do does it?

I have ALWAYS been there for Squid during every trial. I even held her while she sobbed for OM FFS !! I'm hardly going to blow out now.

Nah. I won;t even mention it to Squid. I'll refuse tomorrow.

Bob:

I know you don't know me that well..

I just want to share with you that I'm glad you decided not to go!!

In my opinion, that was a good, sensitive decision on your part.....

Bob,

I concur---based on your reasons, it's not a good idea for you to take this assignment. It almost feels as though you're testing the recovery...

Bob,

As I sit here waiting for DFWH to return from working away from home for the last 8 weeks - and - he came home most weekends, I am SO, SO relieved you decided to refuse.

NOTHING is as important as your M. Nothing.

Good for you.

K, I have learned that PORH is with ME as well as others. I have learned to be brutaly truthful and honest in examining my own thoughts and motivations too.

There are a couple of 'good' reasons for me to accept but I would know my primary reasons were selfish or manipulative and frankly, thats just not ME.

I dunno if I would be TESTING the our recovery....I might be testing Squids appreciation of me.

Part of me is sorry I neve did a plan B. Never HAD to.
Squid never had to FIGHT to get in my home, my heart or my life. Just as well as she was SO 'foggy' or slef-deluded for so very long we would have been apart for a very long time.

But I do feel taken for granted. This was a problem pre-A too and I recognise I need to do something about it.

I thought maybe some time apart would make Squid realise my contribution to her life.

Dunno.

At a point now where I am considering a couple of sessions with Steve to help me deal with RECOVERY issues not affair issues.

If I am honest I am also a bit frustrated - under 'normal' circumstances I would be busy in ACTIVE recovery discussions, but with Squid so very low through shame and sadness over the impending death of her Mom I KNOW its a time for more patience. I have learned that it is alsmost never right to make life-changing decisions while emotional, and Squid is certainly emotional right now.

Tough huh ?

* HT4J, I understand. I'm not going. But eventually I will need to accept one of these assignments. its a sore point because over the last couple of years before her affair Squid withdrew into independent behaviour in he sport/hobby (where she had her affair) and I threw myself into work.

Squid HATES me working. Once it hits six o clock she moans for me to close down my laptop and phone and go sit with her. Every night.

And I do, but my work is suffering a little.

I support customers in many timezones. I occasionally need to call customers very early in MY morning and also later into the evening. Squid says " they can't expect you to work all the time !" and "nobody elses husband has to work so much !".

I changed my job in response to recovery from being a field excutive to being a support executive. I used to work many hours, and travel abroad every week.

Now I am based at home most weeks 3 or 4 days per week most weeks

In truth we spend a LOT of time together during the day - when I work from home ( 3-ish days per week) we go out to lunch every day and have a great time. I constantly go out of my office to make coffee for us and talk throughout the day.

But I have to work. I'm not sure I could earn this money doing a job that had the hours Squid wants. We have discussed this and she knows it, but she still complains if I work later than she thinks I should. Every time I do.
I should applaud her non conflict avoidance !

But I won't be accepting this assignment. Maybe Squid and I can discuss this over lunch today ?

thanks for you thoughts sall.

Bob you said:



This is your answer. Given this, how do you think she would feel if you left for 6 weeks?

mimi I know...I know...

But I am an international troubleshooter. I have to trouble shoot internationally sometimes ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Its how I put grease on the table.

I already see more of my family than any other man I know who is employed. Its great ! But at some point I will need to accept 'headliner' accounts like this.

All this is true, BUT I am uncomfortable at my underlying reasons for wanting this. I must be radically honest with myself as well as Squid.

Its not a good time to do this. I have refused it today, offering to support a more junior consultant remotely instead.

Bob, you sound like you're hankering for a little adventure. I can understand this. You really have been a rock throughout Squid's A and recovery. I'm guessing by now you've already refused the job. Probably with nan dying, this is the right and sensitive thing to do. However, at some point in the future, if you really want to take up an overseas position for a short time, I think you should. There must come a time when you can loosen the rein. I don't believe Squid will ever stray again and I do believe she realises what she almost lost. Fantastic news. But there's an under-current of dissatisfaction I detect from you occasionally and if you need 'time out' and your work can offer you a stimulus and reward you feel you are missing out on, I don't see any harm in saying to Squid that, some time in the future, your work might take you away for a few weeks and how would she feel about it. I am, of course, a dreadful example. I always insisted on a 6 week break with my family in England and look what happened to me! However, if you were to ask me would I go back and change things I would say no. It was his choice not to accompany me and his choice to have an A. My family are paramount in my life. I happily moved abroad for my WH's job but always on the understanding I could see my family. I understand the concept of never trusting anyone 100% again, but at this point I still naively wonder what good is a marriage without trust. Where was the job - Europe, US or Asia?