As a follow-up to my post, I just wanted to say that both of the guys that I dated seriously (and talked about marriage with) got married within a year of my breaking up with them!!!!!
Don't know what that says about me, but I think they really, really wanted to get married!

maw, please read your last post very carefully. You are still letting other people tell you what's right for you. Those "people" don't live in your body, they don't really know if you should be dating or not. The crowd mentality isn't usually right. You must decide what YOU really want and need. As it stands now, you are a bad relationship waiting to happen.

Here's some food for thought. In your sig, you have "OW still living next door - always a challenge". When you no longer care enough about this to have it in your sig, when it is no longer a challenge because you flat out couldn't care less, THEN you'll be ready. You must unload your baggage before getting into a new relationship.

Deja Vu, you stand a much better chance of finding the love of your life in graduate school than in a singles bar or on-line dating service. And you can meet a major life goal and grow. Think of that as you ponder choices.

You guys are all right.....and thanks for all your reasons why....Check you are the most insightful .... The other woman does live next door but they are broke up - but yup it still bothers me wondering if maybe they will get back together.. I don't think that I am over my marriage and what I felt for my ex - I have issues with myself - knowing that I should probably hate him but you know what I don't... So you are right I am a huge bad relationship waiting to happen... Probably though why sometimes I think maybe I should date - been then realistically tell myself who am I kidding I am not ready ... So there you go... I am not ready....

1. I started doing some dating about two years after my divorce. My xWS and I had attempted reconciliation for the first year after our divorce. I dated different guys for about 6 months. I met them from online sites. I don't go to bars or church and work in a predominantly female profession (social work), so it's hard to meet people in-person.

2. I got tired of all the "starting overs", getting acquainteds, etc. I am currently at the point that I'm more comfortable not pursuing dating than putting the energy into meeting new people. I still keep my profile on some dating sites. I'm just not putting much energy into this being a major goal right now. If someone who might be an "exceptional" match showed up on a site, or were to contact me, I'd probably follow through.

3. I do want to be married again. I like having a husband to share my life with. I can live alone...but I don't like to or want to! There is an empty spot in my life that no amount of activity or self-love can fill. I can't make love to myself, hug myself, kiss myself, etc. Obviously I can't make anyone marry me, nor do I want to marry just anyone. But, there will be an empty, missing place in my life if I don't marry again. I want "intimacy", not just "autonomy". I'm working on not apologizing for this "need/want" when "self-dependence" is valued so highly by many at this time in our society. In some ways it's easier to be "independent" than to take a risk and be vulnerable in another relationship.

4. I don't want to get betrayed again. I do think there's time needed for healing. But, if I expect myself to be all "healed" before I "should" date and/or marry, I'd probably never have a man in my life! I don't have to be "perfect" to be in a relationship! Cripes, I've been working on my "Self" for years! If you get to be my age (50) and don't have at least some small "baggage", I'd wonder what world you've been living in??!! I'm pretty aware of what I carry in my baggage. I'd want my partner to know that, too.

So yes, I do want God to just drop the "perfect" man on my doorstep, and we can live "happily ever after"! (A girl can dream, can't she? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

Good point - and it would be someone who understands the academic life style, and shares my interests. But, most grad students are TOO young for me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just some thoughts here.... something I was thinking about the other day.

I started dating (again) 2 weeks ago. You may remember me posting because I sorta panicked, wondering if I was ready. I'm talking myself through this, as I am meeting these guys, talking to them, etc. Having those fears (as I am about to meet one tonight that I have been talking to, and I really like him)... fears of "what if he doesn't like me in person?" And... going through all those thoughts and emotions of rejecting some of THEM... and wondering if someone likes me... or WHY someone didn't e-mail me all day... (what a roller coaster!)

so... I am talking myself through this, and I realized that disappointment, rejection, and let-downs are part of this. If I'm not ready for these things, I'm not ready for dating. This must be part of your mindset. Deciding that you're "Ready to date" doesn't mean that you are going to go out and immediately find Mr or Mrs Right. You have to feel good enough about yourself - OK with yourself - to be ready for some disappointment, and then ready to move on. Dating, finding someone, having a BF/GF/SO can't be about feeling better about yourself, or can't be about becoming complete... it can't determine your self-worth.

Maybe you have to turn your question around. "Why do you WANT to date?" It has to be for the right reasons. Self-worth, desparation, lonliness, etc., will lead to pain and disaster. Why do you WANT to date? Maybe then you can find your answer of when you might be ready.....

Brilliant observation... just brilliant.

Faith, it really isn;t so different from when we were in high school is it? You mentioned the emotional costs and that you must be willing to face them. the more one dates around, the higher the costs. I think this is a tad easier for those who are young and never been married. It's much harder for those of us who've been burned. Most people in their 30s find that they just don't have the energy to do the serial dating thing. In your 40s it begins to seem absurd.

I like your observation, too. I am not willling to pay the cost just because I get a little lonely from time to time. And I've never let someone else define my self-worth. I can't imagine being desperate for a woman, though I once believed I was several years ago.

Wow you guys are having a wonderful conversation and great observations.... Much wisdom.. But this is one I have been wrestling with - what if on some level you are still in love with your ex and you just cannot image letting someone else into your life??? I am throwing this one around... Mostly because he broke up with the other woman next door and he has gone back to being the normal person that I used to love - though I know that it probably won't last... still it is putting me into a tailspin seeing the person that I used to love... And it makes me wonder - am I going to be alone forever because I am going to pine after our lost marriage - - I mean realistically somedays I wake up and wish this never happened... and then there are the days that I am so mad at myself because well I really truly on all levels should hate this man.. there is absolutely no way that we would ever get back together - he wants no part of us and you know I know that I would never trust him... So what the heck am I so afraid that I cannot let it all go..???? I am thinking I need to get back to that therapist??? Though I cannot seem to find one or the time to see one - anyone have any suggestions or experienced anything like this???

'But this is one I have been wrestling with - what if on some level you are still in love with your ex and you just cannot image letting someone else into your life?"

Then you don't even try to date. All you can do is end up hurting someone innocent. No, maw, you shouldn't hate your husband (or anyone). Hatred is a poison that consumes your soul. We must learn to forgive if we are to heal. Once we've done that, we can acknowledge that we love our ex-spouse. And it's perfectly alright to love them. I hope that I will always feel some love in my heart for my ex-wife. She's a part of me and to let that love go would mean letting a part of me go. So the trick is to allow myself to love her, but also allow myself to love someone else.

Are there no psychotherapists in your area? Call the local mental halth association for referrals. Most therapist have very flexible scheduling and will work with you to help you find the time to see them.

Checkurheart... Actually as far as therapists go - the insurance that I have - isn't accepted by most places around here - they are in some dispute with therapists and such... And you know I need to figure out how to love him and allow myself to imagine being with someone else... I don't hate him - I am not sure I have ever hated him... Really... but I am just so sick of it all.. I am sick of not being happy.. I am sick of doing everything myself - I am just sick of it all.... I am sick of being responsible for everything - I don't know someday I am going to figure it all out....

No... don't imagine yourself with someone else. Work on being with yourself. You can do it. Find the positives - they are there. If you are sick of not being happy - change it. I have gone around in this circle myself, over and over since my divorce. Take charge of your happiness maw. Noone can do it except you.

How does one do that Faith??? How does one get happy????? What have you done to make that turn around???

I am not dating. I am still stuck in the misery and darkness of my dreams being shattered. I always thought I would only be with one man. He was my first everything. That is so hard for me to get over.

maw,
Sorry I didn't get back to you right away.

You have to find these answers for yourself. But I will share with you my experience. Hopefully, you are reading some of these other threads. It's amazing how they don't stay on topic, and there is much wisdom to be found in them. Many of RebornMan's posts describe much of what I'm referring to - check out the "would you marry a WS" thread, but pretty much any of his posts.... Wiffty talks from the same perspective in his posts... about personal health and happiness and responsibility.

For me... it took time, yes. People tried to tell me "Why would you want your ex back? Why do you still love him?" I couldn't shake the love.... for a long time, really. I had a hard time letting him go... much like you describe. Several things helped me. God, for one. Knowing that He is there for me, no matter what. Somehow finally realizing that he wasn't coming back, and I couldn't do anything about it, helped me tremendously. I HAD to let go of the past, and the "hope" that he might return. My husband, that I loved, and that loved me, was GONE. He might as well have been dead and buried, NEVER to return. And I had to accept it. I went through the stages of grief... you HAVE to go through them.... skipping steps will COME BACK to BITE you....

Somehow, I also realized that I love him, and it's OK. We had something real, it was a HUGE part of my life, and a part of who I am today. It's OK to remember the good stuff, but realize it's the past, and it won't happen again. I had to forgive him for being stupid and hurtful, but we can't change the past, and asked God to HELP ME with this... and let it go.

Other things that have helped me... hobbies, church (getting INVOLVED), prayer, Al-Anon (beginning work on the 12 -steps is amazing!!), reading, etc.

Now.... YOUR HAPPINESS > > > > WHAT ARE YOU UNHAPPY ABOUT???? You don't have to post it here. Make a list. Now... what do you have control over??? What can you change/fix/improve???? What can you NOT change???? Make a plan, set some goals, for the things you CAN change. FOr the things you CAN'T change, ask God for wisoom to learn to accept them, or wisdom to learn if you can do anything to change the situation.

Finances??? Do something.
Job??? DO something.
Kids??? Do something.
Weight??? DO something.

Make a list, and do something to take control of YOUR life. Date yourself. Nurture yourself. Take care of yourself.

I'ts what I did... it's what I continue to do... it's work (easier now!!!), but sooooo worth it (YOU'RE worth it!!!) to become more healthy and sane. Then, and only then, will you be fuly capable of giving and receiving love in a healthy way, and maybe you'll be able to "picture yourself with someone else".

I wasn't happy with my finances (a lot due to exH), so I mapped out a plan, and started working on it, took drastic steps, and I can see the light now! It's amazing how feeling the weight of something you "feel" like the ex "did to you" comes off your shoulders. I decided to quit waiting for him to change.... to quit waiting for him to make things right... cuz it would NEVER happen.

Well... sorry to ramble. Hope this sorta makes a little sense. It's just some things that worked for me.

hugs,
Faith1

How's this for a "thought for the day" that came on my e-mail?

Today's thought is:

Love is the lamp that lights the universe; without that light . . . the earth is a barren promontory and man the quintessence of dust.
--Mary Elizabeth Braddon

All of us are lighted by love. Child care, car repair, concluding a report -- are easier tasks when we know we're loved. We don't feel quite as alone and conspicuous in a crowd of strangers when we recall that someone special loves us. No new adventure, first plane trip, or first day of a class or new job feels quite as threatening when we've got the company of a loved one in our hearts and minds.

You might be thinking, "But I don't have a special loved one now." How narrowly we define being loved. We have friends who love us, who think of us even when we're not present -- just as we think of them. And no one of us is ever away from the protective realm of a Higher Power who loves us always and everywhere we go.

Wherever we look there is someone who, like us, will find the day easier if he remembers he's loved.

[color:"blue"]Faith1 [/color] - I wanted to reply to maw's question and was having difficulty wording it the way I wanted. You, however, said it perfectly! [color:"blue"] Maw [/color] , I hope you take her advice to heart. It was what helped me, too. Here are a few other things to add to the list.

* Goals for the house (projects, etc.)
*What/how do you want to invest in your children - things you might see lacking in their lives that you want to make sure they learn or know before they leave home
*Volunteer - find a civic group, service project, etc. that you would enjoy spending some time on. Maybe a friend is involved in something, or maybe you want to organize your own friends into a group to serve others.

Faith1 said: Words of wisdom...I totally agree!

Hi Faith1:

WOW. What an awesome post about your recovery! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It mirrors my process almost to the "T" - however no way I could've so eloguently explained it.

Maw - Faith1 has given an excellent outline for you to consider. It will probably take you out of your comfort-zone to implement this into your life, but that can be a good thing. One important consideration that all of us struggle with is that it took a long time to get us to the point we're at now. Therefore, we should be in no hurry to "fix it"! Time is your friend. Take time each day to work on the issues you desire to work on - and your recovery will happen. It's a guarantee. Be faithful! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

Great additions avondale, and FR. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was thinking some more this morning.... 1 thing I left off my list was gratitude.... make a list of your blessings. Sometimes its hard to find them, depending on our perspective, and what we're going through, but they are there. Even if we have to start with something small like we didn't burn the toast this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> But you are surrounded by many blessings, so appreciate them, and love them, and value them, instead of looking at what you DON'T have (like someone to date, or a loving husband, etc).

hugs,
Faith1

Thank you - Thank you - and Thank you... It all makes perfect sense - I have printed it all out and I am going to read it all again later - and do most of the suggestions.. Write a list and make a plan... Thank you - Avondale, Fishracer and especially Faith1 for all of your wisdom.... Truly only people who have walked in your shoes (well not your actual shoes but the experienced the same pain) can show you the right direction... Thank you - and I will keep you updated on my progress -