- I have lost my honor

- I may lose my best friend (my H)

- I let myself down

- I have caused horrible pain for my own selfishness

- It can never be undone

- I did not know what I needed (could not put it into
words, but tried) until after the A

- I did things I believed I could never do

- I knew how horrible the pain was (my dad had an A), but
was not thinking about any of that when I did it

- I am now part of a group I never wanted to be part of

- I may lose the man I love

- I put my children's future at risk

- I can never say again I kept my wedding vows

- Seeing things daily that remind me of what I did

- I have no one to blame but myself

- For a few months of getting some needs met, I have
caused years of damage to my M

- It's very hard to be the WS and the BS--- R is so hard

- H had an A partly because of what I did

- I found MB too late to help myself avoid this

- I hurt my OM's wife and children

- My relationship with my mom may never be the same

- I took away my H's innocence

- I have disrupted my H and children's sense of home

- I think about this every day

- Knowing the mere sight of me causes my H pain

- Home does not feel that way anymore

- My H treats me in ways he never would have before

- H's wedding ring is a source of pain

- Feels like my H does not respect me

- Uncertainty

- I have not heard "I love you" in 5 months


The list is literally endless. But, the most important thing is that, worst of all, I hurt the one person who means the most to me. Because of my own personal weakness, I have caused severe damage and pain to the man I love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Coming to this website and reading people's stories and getting feedback has been such a blessing. If I can ever help any of you, please just ask.

Very touching. I pray you peace.

(((HUGS))) improving

You are NOT defined by your past - live for today and tomorrow - you are not who you were then - you are who you are now - keep up the journey and the changes and be the best woman you can be. Make amends for your mistakes, and learn to fogive yourself.

Blessings on your marriage and your recovery.

I would have to agree that being a FWS totally sucks.

I have been on both the receiving and the giving end of infidelity, and I can assure you, they both suck!

Which is worse I certainly couldn't say, but being the one who strayed in the relationship, I have caused more pain and suffering both to my wife, but to myself as well, than I would have ever beleived.

My story is the result of a 6-week EA on the internet 4 years ago. BY FAR one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

On a positive note though, I think this is an amazing site with help and answers for lots of folks in different predicaments.

My hat is off to all of the "veterans" here who are continuously helping others. You people are amazing!

Of key interest is the point where you state the sight of you causes your husband pain... how did you come to this understanding/knowledge?

That one specifically intersts me, being a BS(h), I also suffer the same thing. When I look on my wife, it grieves me deeply still... and I don't think she knows this. That when I look at her, all I see still is the affair. BTW, 1.5yrs later.

I applaud your efforts here though, what a post. Has your husband seen this? It might help him tons to know, you are trying really hard to relate to what emotions he is suffering from.

Gonna butt in here. In my case, my husband would look at me and I could see the pain in his eyes. He would also tell me not so nice that being around me was too painful - like Improving, the pain my husband was feeling, ended up driving him out and he had an affair as well.

I don't know what my H's realization was, after his A - but he now looks at me for the first time in 8 months with love, and care. I don't know if it's because he understands how an A works, or if he really realized it's because it's me he wants no matter what happened.

Have you told your wife that i grieves you deeply still? Have you told her what she can do to help you with your pain?

I would look at it this way, as a BS, it is not my wife as a person who causes me pain but that looking at her reminds me of the world I live in. That constant reminder of the hell I have been living in for the past year. Does that make sense? Mrs. Wonk is not a terrible person but has done terrible things. As a WS, too, I have done horrible things as well and I am sure that the sight of me at times causes a lot of hurt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just know that I look at my spouse and just feel so much pain because I always used to look into the eyes of my best friend and now I know my best friend in the whole world hurt me in one of the most significant ways.

Mrs. Wonk has said many of the same things on the list. It does help to see the remorse. But, there are days when it just doesn't help - the pain runs way to deep. It's at those moments that I just need to pick myself up by the bootstraps and say "ok - what am I going to do about it?" Makes it hard when I don't own boots, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Improving,
I feel the same as you. Almost everthing you said hit home. I see the hurt and pain that I have caused everyday. There is nothing I wouldnt do to change what happened and make all this pain go away. Wish you the best. Believe me I know the way you are feeling. I just try to look to God to help me through all this and I keep trying to improve myself and work on me. Thats all I can do now. Thats all any of us can do.

very touching...

BP- You are such a kind soul. I wish you peace as well. When I read your posts, it rips my heart out because I know that is probably what my H is feeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dorry-

My soul sister. If I have not said it enough, I do really appreciate you and all your help. Your posts really get me thinking and you have such a healthy attitude. We could all learn a thing or two from you!



Thank you. I do know this, but it all can be so overwhelming sometimes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I am changing for me because I need to, but it will take time and patience. Your suggestions have been a part of my R and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Just knowing I am not alone is so important because my H is not really here for me right now. Hopefully, someday, but not now. Knowing I am not alone is so precious to me.

Killer Joe-

How has your R looked? It helps me to know there are others in my shoes with the double As. I almost feel like I do not have the right to the BS label as I have been the WS. (Not that anyone here has made me feel that way.)

Wish you all the best in R -I know it is not easy. We are both so spent, we do not have a lot left to give each other. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

As one whose wife betrayed him all I can tell you is how much I want to forgive her and trust her again. The pain everyone speaks about is there but I'd give anything if she would help me deal with it. I think that's the best gift you could give your spouse. That, and no reason ever again to doubt your love. With God's help and Time I pray you will both heal and become better.

RookKev-

He has said it to me a few times. I do not know if my H has seen this. He lurks sometimes. I have shown him my remorse. I try very hard not to suppress this. I want him to know how sorry I am.

But, remorse has been a sore subject with us as I really need to see his too and the most sincere I have seen was on his D-days. I think that right now he is suffering so much from what I did that he has a hard time showing it, but as a BS, there is always the lingering fear that he is not really sorry. And, then I get scared because if he is not really sorry, what is to prevent him from doing it again?

I think BobPure has a very healthy attitude. There is nothing Squid can do that will ever make up for what she did, so he chooses to forgive and focus on what they have. He still hurts, but he seems to be so positive. I try to look to him for inspiration.

WonkBoy-



I feel like I do this a lot. I can certainly relate.



In my sitch, this is crucial to me. I think back on our D-days a lot because those are the times Mr I really showed me sincere, heart-felt remorse. I keep wondering if the consequence of me having the A first is that he will never be able to care for me as his BS, only treat me as his WS.




Yes, this is one of the hardest things for me too. Mr I knew how much an A hurt, yet he did the same to me. Sometimes the pain is more than I can bear. I try to put on a brave face, but I am dying inside from what he did to us. Neither of us is worse or better, but sometimes I think he thinks he is. I don't know, WB. I don't envy your sitch as I am in the same shoes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So Sorry Green-

I have not read your story, but thank you for replying. It means so much to know I am not alone. I feel very alone at times. I wish my H would just reach out to me, but he just does not seem to be able to. There are times when everything seems "normal", but then the pain of what he or I did will come washing over me and I want to scream with the pain of it all. I am constantly pushing out of my mind what he did. It is just too much to bear. And, then I get hit square between the eyes with what I did. Not a fun place to be. And, I try to be strong for both of us, but sometimes, I just want to curl into a ball and take care of me (the BS part of me).

Anytime you need a shoulder, just let me know. We are not bad people, we just made really bad choices. But, as my counselor said, you did the best you could with the coping mechanisms you had at the time---Do not define yourself by this one thing. Learn from it.

This is tough. I know that in my situation, I am having a real hard time letting Mrs. Wonk back into my heart. I don't know why. Maybe everything has changed too much - I know that someone on here said that he needed to love his spouse all over again because they were different people because of her A. Maybe that is what Mr Improving is going through. Maybe he allowed himself to become so detached, so protective of himself (subconsciously) that even allowing his heart to open enough to show true empathy and remorse may be something that is just not there for him at the moment. Maybe he just can't but wants to. I feel like that sometimes. Mrs. Wonk wants remorse - well sometimes I just feel numb.

Maybe when you get closer again, he will be able to let that part of himself out. He may also only be able to show it in his own way. Maybe it's just subtle?



Sure it hurts, but remember, we who have affairs are often blinded by what is going on. That's not an excuse, of course. Look - your dad had an affair, right? I am sure it affected your family life - well, you still did it despite seeing its affects.

I know Mrs. Wonk did not want to hurt me. Mrs. Wonk did not want to hurt our marriage. I know that. I don't have any doubt. Yet, it still hurts no matter what she says or what remorse comes from her. Everybody heals in their own way and at their own pace. You will heal differently than Mr. Improving as I will heal differently than Mrs. Wonk. The one thing about MB is that it is a strict formula for repairing and improving marriages. Well, that helps to a point but the healing will always come from within and within each person, that healing will be different.

I would be careful about suggesting, even subtely, that he may think you are worse than he is. That's a judgement - my first thought was that you did not feel that his pain and his way of expressing it was proper. Remember his pain is his pain. I am sure that if you asked him point blank he would not say that you were worse. Things that you did might hurt him worse than it would you but he's not saying that he's any better. Just different. Make sense or did I just talk myself into a circle??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know this sounds weird, but I feel like I want to apologize to all BS and take away their pain. I feel that a lot when I read people's posts. I think because the pain is so real and it hits me very hard to think-- that is me, I did those things too. I almost forget that I am the BS too.

Campdog-



Thank you for letting me have that insight into the male BS mind. I also would love it if Mr I would help me heal from his A in this way. I try all the time to be there for him. I have offered to let him share with me and lean on me, yet he says,"But, you are the one who hurt me." This is part of the reason he turned to OW because I was not there to let him talk about it (when I was in the A). Now I am, and he does not want to talk to me. I imagine it will just take some time.

Have you ever told your W how you feel?




I pray for this too. I wish you the same. If you ever have questions for me as the WS, I am open to answering them.

Improving-

Reading your words really helps me see what my H may be feeling AND I sit here sort of wishing that you were the OW in our life. That may sound weird but I know she was a BS before the A with my H. I find myself wondering if she has any remorse for her part in the hurt that was caused by the A, I find myself wondering if the words "I am in love with you" she wrote to my husband were sincere words and does she still love him, does he still love her or were those words just words in the heat of the affair?

It seems like a never ending chain. Her H cheated on her with a woman whose H cheated. Where does it stop? Way too much hurt in so many marriages. Meanwhile we sit here and wonder what our S is thinking and feeling and wonder about our futures.

We have been back together for 5 weeks now. Lately I feel more confused than ever. I wish I could dig in his brain and know for sure.