Married 12 yrs Together 18. I child 10yrs.

Wife and I have basically ignored each other over the last couple years. We've talked a few times during that time period, agreed that things were bad but neither of us really did anything. She and I just lived together, had sex a couple times a month and did very little together. We drifted.

Finally for me things came to a head, I could see things were bad, work was killing me as well so I took a stress leave from work in hopes of taking some time to sort things out and work on my marriage.

As things progerssed over the 1st couple of days after she briefly talked of seperation as a possible solution to help fix things. We talked thru this and we decided to stay together and work thru it. We began marriage councelling as well.

I found this web site around the same time. I read thru most of it and used alot of the advice. I learned alot about what women need and want. Using that information and working with the MC I began to "do the things that she wants". We had good days and bad days (well I had bad days) she seemed fine most times but distant sometimes.

I began to open up more to her (someting thats hard for me) and talk to her more and really work on our relationship. But it felt one sided (not every day, but sometimes).

That was 6 weeks ago thru to yesterday.

Last nite she decideds she wants to seperate. She says "She needs space to figure out what she wants." So today, after work shes packing a bag and moving in with her cousin.

I don't want to seperate. I want us to work on it as H & W not as "Boy Friend & Girl Friend".

I don't know what to do. I feel that when she leaves its all over (despite the fact she says she loves me, etc). I feel seperation is the worst thing right now.

I have to figure out how to tell my son that mommy is leaving for awhile...

I need some help and advice.

Dear hotshot ~ needing space to figure out what she/he wants is usually code for needing space to carry out my affair.

Do you suspect an affair? Is that why you are posting here?

Separation will make it harder to fix your marriage, that is true. But I can promise you, that if she leaves, it does not mean it is all over. I was separated from my husband for 18 months, and still recovered my marriage.

Right now, if you haven't already, you need to collect information. Find out if she's having an affair. If she is (and it sounds like it to me) then you need to expose her.

This is very scary, I know. Keep coming back here, you'll find support and help. Consider calling the Harley's for telephone counseling.

Hang in there. ((((hotshort))))

Is she having an affair, hotshot?

I firmly believe there no affair. I have done the checks. We have both been true to each other. She talked to a friend on the phone (a guy she works with) but nothing other than using him as a sounding board and maybe a little emotional support.

There was actually a "confrontation" on that a month ago and it stopped right away. I told her I was uncomfortable with it so she stopped.

ok, hotshot, I want very much to be wrong about this, but I have to tell you that it takes a POWERFUL motivation for a woman to leave her home and child. The only 2 things I have ever seen that are powerful enough to effect such a move are: 1. domestic abuse and 2. an affair.

She may have told you that it stopped, but if she is having an affair, I assure you that she would not stop, she would simply go deeper and do a better job of hiding the affair. OR she may have put it off temporarily until she can get out and get some "space."

Moving out to get "space" is always code for: "moving out to carry on an affair." I hate to tell you that, but in my experience after years on this forum, that has never failed to be the case. And I mean NEVER.

What exactly have you checked? Have you tapped her phone so you can listen to their conversations? What does her cell phone bill look like? Is this guy married?

The 6 or so calls that made me notice were on her cell. It was when we were both home. I was sleeping in all cases. After the confrontation the calls stopped. He works nights. I'm off work. The wife works 2 to 4 days/week. She has virtually no unaccountable time where something could be happening.

The guy is married as well.

There's no affair..for serious <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> (nor abuse)
Just a couple or 3 years of negelect.

Hs.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry, but I smell an affair. The guy she works with is a likely candidate. If she is still working with him, she does have time to continue the affair. It is a the very least an emotional affair. Her moving out is a scam to have more space to continue without you getting in the way.

Hotshot, I had a similar ‘friend’ a few years ago: A guy from my work I was regularly talking with on e-mail (and in person now and then). Just like your wife and her ‘friend’, we used each other as ‘sounding boards’ and gave each other some emotional support at work. Guess what? With time, I became emotionally attached and attracted to this guy and fell in love with him… And this all happened while I was happily married and love my H… But as result of my ‘friendship’ and inappropriate thoughts and feelings for the ‘friend’, I started to doubt my love for my H. I was very confused and in the ‘fog’.

Hotshot, please don’t be naive about this…this is very serious stuff. Please read this thread on emotional infidelity at work. Close opposite sex friendship is dangerous and a risk to any marriage. I'm afraid your wife is at least involved in an EA (Emotional Affair) with this 'friend'.

Suzet

Well, what can I do? I'm at a loss.

I was in the same exact situation with my WW. Turns out my WW was having an A. Keep investigating, ask questions, find the truth.

And away she went...suitcase and all.
There is NO affair.

Is there any advice?

Did she take your son with her, Hotshot?

I'm with the others. She's either in an affair or ready to tumble in head first.

My advice? Continue Plan A and put a private investigator on her every movement.

~ Snow

Hotshot,
I was very much like you in the early days of my sitch. I told the vets here everything I knew. I believed there was no A either. The vets told me that it just didnt pass the smell test for no A. They told me the same things they are telling you now.
I understand completely that it is a very difficult thing to believe that these folks could be accurate in their assesment with no more than what they know. But the longer you research these boards, the more you will realize that all of these wandering spouses use the same terminology. Its like they read from a script. A script titled...."Self Entitlement, Its All About Me and Damn Everyone Else."
All that being said, you can continue to believe that there is no A. Confronting your wife on it will not enlighten you at all. She will deny, deny, and then deny some more. What you need to do, for yourself and no one else on this board, is to get very vigilant, very smart, and yes you have to snoop and do things that you never thought you would be comfortable doing. If your wife is having an affair she will let you believe you are going crazy while denying everything. You must be smart and savy to have a chance at winning this battle. But you do owe it to yourself to find out the truth. You cant win, if you dont know what the enemy is here. Research everything on this site. God bless you and give you strength for today and the days to come.

My advice is to hire a P.I. to find out what is really going on here.

Hotshot, I am new to the boards, but I was reading this and I did want to
say something.

I left my husband 5 months ago, but I took the children with me. However, I
did tell him I was leaving, because I needed space. I was not, nor have ever
had an affair. But I was not honest either. I said that to buy time, to get
"educated" about divorce and file. I have been in a sexless marriage with a man who
has other issues with sexual addiction, and had a "temptation" to act out with
one of our children.

If she is not having an A... she may feel the 3 years of neglect were enough time
for you to make changes. I have had those feelings towards my H.

I just felt the need to say that that phrase does not "ALWAYS" mean an affair. I do not
want to encourage you to believe she is not having an affair, b/c I do not know, this was just
my situation. However, for her to leave her child, it is hard to imagine anything else.

Hotshot ~ there is an affair, and I think you deeply fear that there is, or you wouldn't be posting in an infidelity forum.

If there is no affair...why not ask the EN's folks?

Unfortunately, they'll tell you the same thing.

The advice we have for you is to uncover the affair. While doing your research on her activities, do an honest to goodness appraisal of your responsiblities in your marriage. Do you know what her needs are? How well do you meet them? Do you know what lovebusters you habitually do?

Elminate lovebusters, meet needs, work really hard on yourself right now.

I posted here in error i guess. I thought this was the right spot. I don't know what the EN folks are...

well just stop this thread now i guess.

Thanks for the time.

My 2 cents, Hotshot...

She abandoned her child, right?
I don't have kids, but in my very humble opinion, there are only a couple things that would "enable" her to do that...

She's psychologically disturbed, or, she's involved in an affair.
(And if she's involved in an affair, she IS psychologically disturbed at the moment.)

What does her cousin have to say about all this?

My guess is, she is definately in an affair. Nobody leaves their security, their family, or their loved ones without being heavily in the fog. You have got good advise from good experienced people from both sides and they all say the same thing. She is having an affair and she is in love with her OM. Sorry, painful but likely true. You are in the right place for help and assistance.

One day at a time. Your life has changed forever but it can be brought back to normalcy. The price, costly and painful.

How is my African friend, who is advising you?

toosoon

undisclosed, let me put it this way: in all my years on this forum, I have NEVER seen a case in which one moved out to get "space" was not an affair, NEVER. I don't know your situation, but I know that this is a classic excuse to move out and have an affair that we see here routinely.