I have two questions. What constitutes "Unfaithfulness?"
In out eight years of marriage we have had sex maybe 25 times.
How we ended up with two kids is amazing. We had sex 5 times on our
honeymoon, and maybe 10 more times by our first anniversary. I had been the
one to do the initiating. He said he was tired, or he was trying to be
sesitive to an abuse issue from when I was a child, that as far as I am
concerned is dealt with and I told him so. (btw, the issue was in reality very minimal, and
I am not "minimizing" it.) When I became pregnant with the first child
we did not have sex again until almost two years later, because my "weight
gain" had made me unattractive to him. Note that I did continue to initiate until he
told me this at a marriage conference. When we did have sex two years later
I became pregnant with the second child. We had sex a few more times within the pregnancy.
And a few times just after the second child. We had not had sex for 3 years when I left
him in February. I found a paper, mixed in with a story he and my son were
writing, that said he was not attracted to me, and it would have to be "God thing"
to be attracted to me. I should say that there were times we "tried" but he was unable to
maintain an erection. He told me it was not impotence.

Upon my finding this note, I sat him down, for the umpteenth time, and said
so what are you attracted to? (Yes, I am overweight, but there are plenty of couples
who one or both have weight issues, but have a great sex life.) And I should say that he
has a severe case of psoriasis. I have never complained to him that it made
him less attractive to me. Sure I wish it was not there, but I loved him, and
still wanted to be with him. It was then that he told me he was addicted to masturbating,
and generally doing so on the porch of our apartment, or in the living room with the blinds open...although, he
says, "no one" ever saw him. He also told me this has been a problem for him
for years before we were married. He also told me that he had been abuse by
his older brother when he was young, and that he in turn abused a boy significantly
younger than him when he was 9. He also told me that "only ONCE" was he tempted to act
sexually with our son when he was about 2. (He is now 6) He vehemently denies being ever
tempted in that way again. It was just "ONCE." Although I have left with the boys.

He is, in my opinion, a very pious christian. And he believes it is wrong for me to divorce him.
In the eight years of marriage, through various other issues regarding his not doing what he says *to an EXTREME degree*,
distrust, lying, and his avoidance to communicate, not follow through on marriage counselors advice,
not getting jobs, & laziness, - I have no belief that he would become disciplined in the area of masturbation
when he can not change behaviors in other less significant areas.

Do you think he could have genuinely only had this "temptaion" one time?
And do you think his preference for masturbation to the exclusion of me is considered unfaithfulness?

I am sorry but I don't believe that he only had the temptation once....

I think him telling you was a true gift and blessing and a very clear direct warning that your children are not safe alone with him....

and that was his way of telling you...

there is only the hugest of red flags even if he only felt attracted once....for there is something not right about that feeling occuring between parent and child....

his history of abuse is significant
both as victim and as perp...

I am sorry that this has happened...

I am glad glad glad that he told you what he did for I do beleive that it is his way of reaching out to you to keep those children safe.....

even without the abuse issues...
as far I am concerned a sexless marriage without direct medical issues...and there are very few that exclude ALL aspects of sexuality.....
a sexless marriage for me would be a deal breaker....
the baloney of weight making you unattractive...bull

this marriage with all these huge huge red flags...
needs serious honest professional counseling that must be intensive and iniated with you two seperated and the children safe....

I would not go back with him
I would never ever leave those children alone with him
and unless he agrees to serious serious counseling with a serious counselor who specializes in such matters...

pious christians do not act in all areas of their lives in such an unloving way.....and earn such a title...

you and the children must be safe and away from him...

I mourn my answer to you
I again tell you that I would take his admission as a warning....and believe you are blessed that he reached out with it....
before anything happened...

ARK

Oh gosh. I gotta agree with ark completely!

He has VERY serious issues and I'm relieved to hear you make a break from this situation.

No I do not believe he could have had this temptation ONCE,,but if he did, once is one time too many!

Well, I have told him that he can only visit with
the kids when I am there. At this point we do not have any
temporary orders, but I think he want to fight supervised
visitation.

During the eight years, we have been in marriage counseling 5 times, and
individual counseling. He has had two different therapists. I have been
using the same one through out.

Because he has failed to make ANY consistent changes at all, I do not think
he will make any.

When I first left him, I asked him to make a list of changes he "WILL MAKE" not
"try" to do...(that has been his out this whole time) His list began with, "IF
any changes need to be made...." In general, it amounted to not much of anything,
and the only mention of our sex life was, "Take her out, and if nothing romantic
happens, at least she can say, 'well that was different.'" He never got it.

undisclosed...

I'd fight tooth and nail not to have my children alone with him......

however that had to come about...

have you sought legal counsel just to find out what your rights are

ark

Yes, I have a lawyer. She does not think a judge will give him unsupervised
visitation...not just because of the temptaion, but because he has
this addiction to masturbating in elusive places.. and the kids could witness this.

However, H says that his lawyer and others he has talked with,think that I am
putting too many events over too much time regarding his behavior into one class,
and that he COULD get custody. He also said he was in the "privacy of his own
living room and porch." whatever.

We are supposed to set a date for mediation. I guess that will tell me
how hard he will fight.

I'm glad to hear you have an attorney.

I'm sorry, but I really doubt this was a passing thought, just once.