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Joined: Sep 2004
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Mortar- I read your reply to my other thread, and you have piqued my interest.... You Wrote: Unfortunately, you know what I am going to say Caren. If you would just Plan B him, you would both be better off. Instead, you are going to be drug by this man thru the mud for months, maybe even years...until something changes. You are willingly now allowing him to divorce, hold you in place, so he can do what he wants for awhile without feeling guilty about sleepign around. And then he will come back to what he really wanted in the first place.
Plan B was made for these things...but instead, you jsut accept being treated this way. No boundaries. Nothing.
So, unfortunately, unless you do cut him off and NC him so he can get an idea of what life will be like without Caren, then he is going to just continue to abuse you, hold you in place and do what he wants. He knows you will stay, because you havent shown any spine up until now.
Plan B is the only hope as I see it for this stopping anytime in the near future. Plan B would also allow you to get off the rollercoaster and get your life straight.
So, as Dr. Phil says: "How's it working for you?"
I dont mean to come across as crass. But Caren, you arent doing the things you need to do. And you wonder why you continue to get the same result.
In His arms. Can you expound on this?? How do I go about this when there is no OW in the picture now...etc. What would this type of Plan B look like. What would the letter state??? I'm very interested in your reply, and I believe that I am strong enough to pull it off this time, as I am living the results of my failure, but had assumed that Plan B wasn't an option at this juncture. -Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
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Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823
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Joined: Sep 2004
Posts: 2,823 |
I'm all antsy waiting for your reply.
I was thinking about this before you actually said anything, but just wasn't sure about the logistics of it, or if it would be applicable to my sitch.
I have noticed, that anytime my husband senses that I'm pulling back.....he closes the distance, he comes to me....which makes no sense since he's divorcing me.....he doesn't know what he wants, he thinks he wants a divorce, but I have my doubts about that. I don't think he thinks that divorce means NC with me, and giving him a taste could very well be, just what the doctor ordered.
Waiting on pins and needles,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 4,712
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Posts: 4,712 |
Exactly my point Caren. Everytime you pull away, he comes closer.
From what I read here, you are moving out and you two have filed for divorce, correct? So, if that is the case, it is time to go dark. No contact. No needs being met.
And the big thing in this is that there is no future between you two, as far as he is concerned. You are moving on. You will be putting this behind you. You are not going to act married when you are divorced. Do you see what I mean?
The PBL would be mostly the same, talking about what you could have, blah, blah, blah. But there is no reference to an OW. Instead, in states that you two are now divorcing and that because of that, you must be able to move on with your life. That you will be unable to just sit around and wait. So, in order to be able to move on with your life, you will need to have no contact with him.
Of course, then you put in the stuff on how he can contact daughter.
But there will be no reference to a future together, okay? No "I'm waiting for you and if you decide on the marriage, I am here for you." Nope. Nothing like that.
He must think that you are moving on with your life, and not looking back. That you have given this marriage everything you have, that you still love him but you must now move on to see what God has for you.
Cut his Caren fix, and one or two things are going to happen. He will keep going, in which case there was NEVER a chance for recovery. Or he will wake up. Then, he will have to make the choice to do the things to make your marriage what it should be. Otherwise you will continue to walk.
Feel free to ask more questions.
In His arms.
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Joined: Sep 2004
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Posts: 2,823 |
Well, this gives me a renewed look on things, and actually makes me want to buckle down on the apartment search...I was not too excited about it, because if I don't get this apartment I'm trying to get, I'll end up with one in a yucky area (That's all I can afford)....but this gives me the angle I was looking for.
I have been posting to Foxor about the dangers of not doing a good Plan B, and I can see ME in his posts......the desperation, taking ANYTHING the WS had to offer. And I have been thinking ARRRRGH why couldn't I just stick to it?? If I had, I'm sure I'd be posting from a completely different perspective, which hopefully, will give me the stamina to do it right this time.
This gives me a lot more hope for the future, because this would be my last ditch effort. I was fumbling around trying to figure out what on earth I was doing......not wanting to divorce, but not seeing any way around it.
Hmmmm I'm going to have to think about this.
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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