Well, we are back from our hockey camp vacation. It was a wonderful 2 weeks just being away!! Right before we left I made a compromise with my WH. I asked him to leave his blackberry at home and in turn I would not relationship talk with him. I would let him talk when he was ready. Well, 2 weeks went by and no talking. We had a wonderful time being together as a family, but nothing was said about "us." I thought about it a thousand times to say something but maybe I was afraid of what he would say.

Any way, he went back to work today and I got an email from him. He says he is still confused and is mad at himself for not wanting his family. He said sometimes he just wants to be alone and sometimes he wants to be a Dad. He has said nothing about OW since he blew up at me because I sent her an email! So I have no idea if she is still in the picture or not.

I have been in Plan A and think I have done a good job. No LB's and not crying or anything. I have to wonder if I am enabling him to be a cake eater. He wants to live a "single" life without being single. But when he wants his family we are always there for him. We have 3 kids, so I think that makes it harder if I decide to Plan B. How do you Plan B and still have to make arrangements for your kids to see him??

I guess I am just unsure if I should continue in Plan A or go to Plan B. The whole thing scares me to death. I am soooo not ready to give up on my marriage but I am beginning to wonder if it can really be saved. Maybe he has a character flaw?? I told him that for a marriage to survive it takes work and when one person stops trying then that is when the relationship goes bad.

I have no way of getting info about OW if she is still in the picture. His blackberry is now passworded!! He does all email and phone correspondence through his work so I am in the dark again.

Just wondering if anyone has any advice or just wants to talk. I am feeling kind of low since the last 2 weeks were so great and now this...

Thanks!!

How long have you been doing Plan A?

O

It has now been 2 months.

Welcome Back Lost!! I'm glad you enjoyed your time away. My WH wants the single life as well...but he loves his kids...but he loves his home...BUT he won't commit! My WH will be leaving this week. After our vacation (check out my threads if you want to catch up) he was still unsure..didn't know what he wanted. I told him I loved him and I wanted to work out our issues that I wanted him to be my husband. I gave him a deadline to decide if he would commit to the marriage...he opted to move out. I am not in plan B yet. From everything I've read...plan B needs to be very strong. As Lemonman said you only get one chance to make a first impression. Read all you can on plan A. Plan A is not being a doormat. Make boundaries and voice your opinion. As example: My DS13 was having a birthday party. The single father to one of his friends is my WH best friend. So WH says to me "I think I'll go out for a couple of beers later." In the past I wouldn't have like it but probably would not have said much. This time I looked at him and said "I think leaving your son's birthday party to go sit at a bar is a pretty rotten thing to do." He stayed home and help supervise the party.

I don't have much advice because I think we are in the same boat. You mentioned that this is difficult with children. It is difficult but it also gives me strength. I am a living example to my children...I do not want my daughter to think it ok to be treated this way and I do not want my son to think WH is the way a H should behave.

Welcome back...Keep posting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If H has not sent an NC letter agreed upon by YOU ... assume there is some contact between them.

I think you are ready for Plan B.

It takes some preparation time.

Read up on Plan B.

Get your letter written and post it so it can be critiqued.

Get someone to agree to be your intermediary.

Get the kid's teachers clued in that there is a huge family crisis.

hmmmm what else? seems I am forgetting something .... ????

But anyway, very good job Plan A'ing the vacation!

Keep up the Plan A ... especially NO fighting and NO biting words ... right up until you lovingly and regretfully hand him the Plan B letter.

This is most effective when your H cannot choose. He wants to be in both places.

So you give him his freedom ... actually ... you PUSH his freedom onto him ... and he will either see what he is about to lose or not. Either way, you get some peace and remove yourself fom the triangle of slow death!

Get your financial ducks lined up as well.

Hi again,

Well you still have a bit of time to endure your WH's confusion,shall we say,but I would pull out of the ordeal soon and get into a strong Plan B.

I hear some of my own WH's statements in your WH's.I don't think you are being an enabler,you are doing ok and should be making the best of this time so you can look back and know that you did your best in the Plan A stage.Keep at it.

Please do remember though: Plan B is NOT giving up on your marriage at all.It is,however,telling your WH that you will not allow his confusion,fence sitting,cake eating life to continue as is.It is unfair and hurtful to expect you to sit around and wait eternally while he has his head...well,you know where.You can't do this alone LIC.He either gets his act together or you may just be done.It's a reality we all have to face.I did and I am ok.

There is all kinds of Plan B stuff lying about here so you will have no trouble finding the necessary info,support and threads to get you going if and when Plan B becomes necessary.

Hang in there!

O

Confused...Thank you! It does sound like we have similar situations. I just don't seem as strong as you!! I will try and be an example for my kids. They are my heart and soul! I'm sorry your husband is moving out but that seems to be what is best for you. Has he gone yet?

Pep...Great advice as always! He has not sent a NC letter so yes, I will assume OW is still in the picture. I think you are right about Plan B. I will draft a letter. I am so scared to do this, but feel that I must. He really is a cake eating fence sitter. I don't have anyone to be an intermediary, but my older kids are 18 and 15 and have their own cells phones so WH can contact them that way.

Octobergirl...Thanks for the support. Plan B seems to be the way to go! I like that you say Plan B is not about giving up on my marriage.

I need all this advice and support. I do not have a support network so all of your thoughts, comments, praise and criticism is really needed and appreciated. I am not a strong person, I least I don't think I am, but I guess I will see.

Thanks again!