Kandi,

I'm not going to smack you with a 2x4 or tell you how wrong you are. You are an adult....the decisions are yours to make.

I will tell you how destructive it is to get involved with another or any man at this point though.

Not because you are not divorced yet....or because Ed may want to reconsile now....or whatever.

I certainly have no right to judge you, because I did the same thing.

You are WAY too vulnerable at this point to get involved with anyone. You have WAY too much baggage to bring into a new relationship.

The statement you made......"I wasn't LOOKING for it....it just happened". Where have you heard that before?

My H has said it.....Ed has probably said it......90% of the WS's have said it.

Regardless of the fact that you are still legally married, this is not a good situation for you to be in at the moment.

One of the things that I have learned through my own experience is that after something tramatic like this happens we tend to latch on to anyone or anything that will fill those needs that have gone unmet for so long.

My particular relationship with another man was already disolved before my H wanted to reconsile and I realized that I had not really had TRUE feelings for this other man....but essentially used him to fill MY own needs and wants. I felt terrible afterwards to know that I could use someone like that and it also gave me some insight into how my H felt and thought.

I'm not saying that you absolutely should not see this other man....but really think hard on your reason for wanting to see him.

At this point are you really ready....emotionally for a relationship?

Trix,



I do not think it is fair to blame Kandi for depriving her boys of an intact family. Kandi was not the one that initially had the A. Kandi did not force Ed to get the OW pregnant with Ed's child. Kandi did not force Ed to want to be with the OW.

I personally think that Kandi put up with Ed's crap for WAY too long.

Saying that she should still be sitting at home pining for Ed and waiting for him to decide to come home and make it all right is unrealistic. When one dicides to file for divorce they start moving on. Granted not all move quite as fast as Kandi has....but that is the point of filing for divorce. People don't file for divorce in hopes of restoring the marriage.

JMHO

As a matter of fact, I'm already one diamond shy of a load. Lost it somewhere in Jackson. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Miss Priss,
That was a qualified statement of mine not to be construed that M23B should be pining for her H at all. I believe that the Harley's say as much themselves about dating before your DV'd. No matter how awful Ed has been...all WS are varying degrees of awful (or behave badly) during their A's, there has always been the potential for him to make an about face and do all the right things with the right amount of contrition and remorse thrown in for good measure. Ideally, the turn around happens before the DV. If the BS has already moved on (with an OP) prior to that possible occurrance they are depriving the marriage a chance for real recovery and thus an intact family. They then get confused, thus M23B's turmoil. Some people extend the refraining from serious relationsips for a while after the DV but are still open to other possibilities. They need to work through a mourning period and get whole themselves. Not to substitute a void in their heart with another person too soon.

Prior to MB, during my H's longest A, I did go out with another man a couple of times. I didn't actually/technically 'have sex'...but I would have...revenge? loneliness? It wasn't 'love' and didn't progress...but by the grace of God. I still have guilt and feel bad (ashamed of myself) about the extent of what it was which was a 'mistake'. It and another man flirting did make my FWS jealous...the old I don't want her but I don't want anyone else to have her either. A recovery based on that isn't necessarily a real recovery. We had a false one after that and it was another year before that (his) A actually ended for good.

Hey M,

You sound much different sweetie, I am glad you are finding that love and attention, finally, I am sorry it had to come from someone else and not Dad, the father of your children...that would have been the best for the kids...but oh well. And Dad has been living in the fantasy that he wants OW, but you would ALWAYS be waiting for him, he is now realizing a MAJOR consequence of his actions.

Yes, this is breaking the rules of fidelity, and overlapping R is not healthy for you. Your R with D is going to taint this new R. There is much hurt and pain to get over and even AFTER the D you will still need to heal.

I remember after living with my BF for 3 years, finding out he cheated and asking him to leave I met my future H a few months later...it was 3 years into our R I wasn't triggered by past events from my old R...I was constantly saying things like, "Oooh, I remember he told me I was a terrible cook and he didn't trust me with knives, and I think I'm pretty good with a knife..."

My concern is you are a vivacious, wonderful, spontaneous creature, but this spontaneity is a double-edged sword and your quick decisions have caused problems for you...phone calls, or quick statements (this is part of the Adult ADD).

My suggestion? Take it VERY slow with this guy, or take a break till after the D. Learn to provide those EN's for yourself. He has given you some tools, now learn to do it yourself and not depend on someone else's determination for your self-esteem...

This is good news, but be careful!

My other suggestion? Don't talk with Dad!!!

Holy Moses people, do you really expect this woman to give up a relationship that is making her happy to spend her time awaiting her cheating liar of a H to 'come out of the fog' and be the man that he has shown he isn't even capable of being?
She has filed for divorce, divorce = not married anymore. So what if it's a few weeks from being finalized? She knows she doesnt' want to be with this creep who has treated her and her kids like crap for all this time. I guarantee you, if he wouldn't have found out about this 'other man', he would still be living his arrogant life expecting Kandi to be sitting at home waiting for him and his money to come back.

Life is about today and about creating our own happiness. She gave Ed upteenth chances to do the right thing, I think she's entitled to move along to her own happiness. So if it doesn't work out, she'll live..but at least she won't live feeling like the crap that her H has been treating her like.

Lighten up people...

I may be totally wrong here, but this is the way I saw it -

I believe that M23B was boasting !! Which given all that she has been through, it understandable. But not right.

Carnation

She is actually entitled to 'move on' completely...when she is divorced. Before that it is still adultery. Of course in this morally relative society which we have created...just about anything goes.

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MF4M/M23B-
I am sorry Kandi, but D23B is right, you are in the "fog"- and you are not thinking clearly. You saying it "just happened", or he is perfect, or you are happy, or you deserve this because your needs had gone unmet for so long, or you have been unhappy for so long; ect- is THE EXACT JUSTIFCATION that Ed himself and many other WS used to JUSTIFY their affair. Think about what Ed told you, think about how you can not even conceive the thought of working things out with Ed because you are so happy with this new man. Kandi I am not even remotely saying for you to give Ed another chance, if it is not in your heart, if you have no love for this man- however you can not and will not know if that is the case with a OM (yes [color:"purple"]OM [/color] in the picture. You do deserve happiness, and I can see how easily it would be to be drawn in, trust me I do, especially when you think your M is said and done and now is just a matter of paperwork. However think of your boys, think of the long run, think of yourself, and the vows you made before God.
Just take a step back from the situation, think of it like it were me, or your best friend- or your son's wife.... Step out of the box. Yes this man is meeting your EN, maybe even your PN, but you have a chance to rebuild the relationship you faught so hard for- are you sure you are ready to give up on that dream?
I am not saying that relationships started at your stage do not last. My mother cheated on my father, and part way through the divorce he met a woman whose H had cheated on her, they were eachothers support system, and they fell in love. They married exactly 1 week <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />after their divorces were final (much to the dismay of the children- and the shock of their now ex-spouses) however they are a very happy couple and are still together 14+ years later. Sorry rambleing....

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Holy Moses people, do you really expect this woman to give up a relationship that is making her happy to spend her time awaiting her cheating liar of a H to 'come out of the fog' and be the man that he has shown he isn't even capable of being?

Nope...I would think that people expect her to be TOTALLY finished with the old relationship. She is NOT divorced yet, and not only that, but she is still undecided about her WS. Here is where the indecision is... He has now said that he will wait for me to "make up my mind" whether I want this man or him....only problem is I dont have a year and 1/2 as he did...I have approx 8 weeks if that...


Hmmmmm....

Life is about today and about creating our own happiness.

That sounds like WS verbiage....

committed

Sorry if my post seemed like I was coming down on you...I am happy for you!

And as far as reasons to take it slow with this guy or take a break?

You have a WONDERFUL opportunity to be on your own and make your way in this world, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, relying on yourself. Getting too attached, too early on in your healing will stunt that growth and not give you the opportunity to learn some valuable tools about doing it on your own...

You have been M for a long time, enjoy being single for awhile...and I don't mean the dating part, but other things...and no, you haven't quite gotten there now until the D is final...there is some real closure in your life that happens AFTER the D...mainly, learning a new way to set boundaries with Dad, and learning to rely on yourself that won't come until the end of September.

I think meeting this guy is a HAPPY thing. I also want to see you not jump too quickly into another R before YOU can heal a bit...for YOU!!!

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It sounds like to me your admitting more of the same old game playing. The tragedy in this is that your children don't deserve 2 game playing parents. Bless their hearts!!

Also, bless the "man is remarkable" heart. He probably doesn't deserve it because he is very aware that you are MARRIED but I do feel sorry for what he has gotten himself into.

M23B- You are not a bad person. You are human. Humans need connection, affection, admiration. You are only human to want those things. I do not think you were in the wrong to follow your heart, you thought your marriage was 100% over, and it was just paperwork- however now that Ed is back it changes things. I am NOT NOT NOT saying that you should drop everything you have accomplished because Ed is jealous, however I do think you should consider it, it your whole heart and soul before you go and toss it aside. Right now you are thinking like Ed did when he was new in his A, remember back to how you felt then too.

Maybe just maybe you give Ed the chance to PROVE himself to you SLOWLY- very slowly. If this man is what you say, he will understand. In every relationship there is a chance for heartache-- the question now lies in which man you are willing to take the risk with. The man you commited your life too that has three children with you, or this new path of discovery where the trust has not been broken, and is full of surprises at ever turn. Both has it + and -. Think long and hard and make the best choice for you- no matter what others say.

Kandi -

I won't go into wrong or right here. It's already been covered, and people have different opinions.

But I do want to reiterate what a couple other posters have said here - your heart isn't ready for this. You've had such a long drought of attention and affection that ANYTHING would cause your heart to flutter.

I don't really hold out any hope of D23B being able to win you back - even if he really has changed (which is doubtful), the length of time and amount of effort it would take to make you truly love him again is huge - or at least, it should be, if you don't want to find yourself right back in the same position again. I just don't know that the amount of damage he has done would be surmountable for him.

But you really do need some time alone. If you're honest with yourself, you are really afraid of that, aren't you? And I understand how hard it is to turn down this kind of attention, especially after the verbal and emotional abuse you've gone through for many years now. But you need to conquer those fears first, make sure you know you can handle being alone and making it on your own before you go depending on someone else again.

At the beginning of a relationship, of course he's treating you wonderfully. And he could be a truly awesome guy that will continue treating you that way.

But we all know that feelings change over time, and the only way a relationship holds up is if those feelings of infatuation turn to real love, and both people work at keeping that love.

The problem is, you need a few tools to be able to get to that point, and one of the biggest is that ability to be alone. The ability to call off a relationship if it can't stand the test of time. By getting involved so soon, before you've learned how to do that, you run a real big risk. Let's say a couple of years down the road, he isn't as attentive or affectionate, and things aren't going well, and you're having trouble communicating. At that point, are you going to be able to take a risk and talk to him about it? Or are you going to be so afraid of being alone again, of him getting upset and going to someone else, of having to go through the heartbreak and devastation of divorce again, that you'll start making excuses for him, and put up with just about anything because you start feeling like anything would be better than going through this mess again.

Right now you have the unique opportunity of looking back to figure out where your boundaries failed, and how to try and avoid these problems the next time. That opportunity will be lost if you cover the pain and drown out the introspection with a new relationship. You need to learn how to make and hold those boundaries, lest you end up in the same place all over again.

If this OM is really the great guy and 'the one', then he will be willing to wait until after your are DV'd and through all the trauma of the DV. That would mean, just as with any other A...NC. You already know this.

If a part of you still loves ED, then you two need some serious counseling and you both need to continue IC... or he needs to start IC. I wouldn't put the D on hold again. If it goes through...it goes through. He really shouldn't move back in right away either way. You both need time alone...without other people involved. Everything in your lives needs to be sorted out, not the least of which is OC. But ultimately it is worth it because you two have 3 boys together and nothing will change that reality.

I understand how good the new feelings can be. But you have been here long enough to know all about that stuff.

How can we help you sort this out? I think that lots of folks here don't want you to give Ed anymore chances. You know that I can go either way and that lots depends on Ed's commitment to positive change in his life. Now it is complicated by your having an OM. You know that NC is the next step.

Talk with this OM, talk about taking a break.

My fear is that you will feel guilt, guilt, guilt if you do not go about this D and new R in order. Don't add guilt to a new R. R's amd M is tough enough without bringing THAT kind of baggage...

Can you wait 2 months?

Hi Kandi,

I personally think you have earned your D. It's all just paperwork now. I dont think this is even in the grey area... Marriage over, paperwork underway. Normally, I understand how the board feels. But you have worked so hard, been through so much, it IS really just paperwork now.

Ed's just reacting to the competition. I cant imagine what would have sparked such a reaction otherwise. There is no NEW factor in play here, he's just jealous. I wouldnt trust him an inch. He cant torture you if you move on. He's got to get you 'hooked' again. I cant believe you care enough to even speak to that man.

Be careful, go slow, let the ants have Ed... - Dru