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Tiggy - it's a revenge affair - Kandi is far too hinged to Ed to see her emotional attachment to what the man does has meaning. She is not indifferent. She is not detached. She still swings in the wind whenever Ed blows a new direction. But that's all the man is doing, even now - blowing hot air. He's probably already reconciled with Nurse Hot Lips! (reminds me of Frank Burns, he does! He even looks like him!)

Kandi - You want us to believe your feelings for Ed as a husband are dead. But if you calm yourself from the defensiveness for a while, you'll see that this is exactly the reaction you expected from him upon finding out there was a man to take his place.

Ed's antics now are as sincere as he was on Dr. Phil when talking about saving his marriage. The only thing Ed wants is the world to revolve around him.

It would be the kindest thing in the world you could do for this new man - to cut the puppet strings that yank your chain, and then take some time - a year or two to find out who you are, and find that you can take care of yourself. Then you will have the best you can offer to this man, if he is the man you describe. But please don't use him. And if you can't see it, and he can't see it, doesn't mean that eventually he won't suspect it. He is being used. Ed is getting played back! And Ed knows it, so he's playing along, according to the script of "drama at General Hospital's nursing home wing."

Prayers for your sons, as they are the ones caught in the revolving door of the days of your lives.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Kandi:

For what it's worth, I agree with Grapegirl, KaylaAndy and the rest who are inclined to think along those same lines.

Too much, too soon, too far, too fast and.and.and.and.and. Give the drama a rest. Go out and have a good time with a group of friends. None of this one on one stuff yet.

You don't need a man to "make" you feel ok about yourself. IMHO - that's exactly what's happening.

NUT


BS/47 FWH/42 Married 22 yrs Kids - S30,SD23,SS22 OC Born - 09/08/04 C with OC - SS It's an UPHILL CLIMB
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Really people! How much does she have to take from Ed before you give her "permission" to give up and move on? How can you have ANY hope that Ed will change his ways?

Are we all so lost that we don't think this man knows what he's getting himself into? Your all acting as if she hiding something from him, good grief. My guess is he's an adult and likes Kandi inspite of some baggage she may bring with her. You know there are mature adult men who are capable of handling that kinda thing.


And as for Kandi "finding herself", what a bag of garbage, really. Kandi's had plenty of alone time to "find herself"
and I think she's had enough of it.


Kandi, you go for it, take it slow though. If this man is what you need to move on from that waste of skin H of yours - head on! You gave your all, You have earned it!

DISCLAIMER: This is NOT advice I would give to anybody but someone who has endured what you have and been S**T on so many times.


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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Kandi is posting on here to get a variety of responses (am assuming). Don't we all? I'm guessing she is open minded and interested in what each and everyone of us have to say.

So........To each their own!


BS/47 FWH/42 Married 22 yrs Kids - S30,SD23,SS22 OC Born - 09/08/04 C with OC - SS It's an UPHILL CLIMB
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Belonging..I was just thinking the same thing. That this and other posts are written for Ed.

Kandi will always be the same. She'll take any post that doesn't support whatever she's doing as a personal attack. She's only interested in support.

I feel so sorry for their kids. Look at the examples their parents have set before them. Neither in the end have modeled honoring vows.

I'm still amazed at the people who argue that the marriage is over but for the paper work. Did the marriage begin at sexual encounter, engagement or the ceremony? Just as there is a beginning point, there's an ending point. That point is the paper work.

What if Ed and Kandi reconcile (which might happen as I think they're both several bricks short of a load) then how would this relationship be characterized? I would expect such a response from someone who hadn't experienced the searing pain of adultery, but to get it from the horse's mouth is mind boggling... Would they have appreciated a confidant of their WS supporting the affair by saying "it's not wrong because the marriage is over but for the paper work?"

Just as Belonging, while reading the thought kept coming to my mind that this was a manipulation of Ed. I kept wondering if this man even exists. Whether he does or doesn't, this is something that Kandi will have to account for herself. It does no good to try to convince her that a relationship with this man or making this man up to manipulated Ed is wrong..she'll do what she wants to do no matter how insane...

jph #1443454 08/04/05 06:29 PM
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***the thought kept coming to my mind that this was a manipulation of Ed. I kept wondering if this man even exists.***

I thought precisely the same thing, jph.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Hey there girly girl !!!!

You know...you and I go WAY back. And we became sisters by fire....we shared DDAYS practically, and have A LOT in common.

My journey went ONE way...YOURS went another. Neither road was easy, and it was pretty much paved in [censored].

None the less... I gotta love your stamina. Most of these same people that are beating you up now, are the SAME folks that beat you up for trying to make it work with Ed in the first place. ROFLMAO !!!!!!!

As you may or may not have noticed, I'm around these parts VERY rarely, but will keep in touch via email with you.

Do yourself a favor...cut some more of your losses, and steer clear of all this wonderful, moral support you're getting here.

JUDGE NOT LEAST YOU BE JUDGED.

Kandi.... my wish for you always...is be happy, that's all I wish for you. And NOBODY knows what will make YOU happy...but YOU. Your life, your future, are your own.

Will it work out ?

Maybe, maybe not, I'm not throwing any stats at you...in all honestly...who gives a rat patooty....for TODAY...you are happy, you feel appreciated, and cared for, and RESPECTED....AND IT'S BEEN A LONG DANG TIME SINCE YOU FELT THAT AND YOU DESERVE IT.

If it works , it works, if it don't, well it doesn't...but you enjoy yourself along the way.

Or....take some of the great advice you're getting here, and cry some more in your soup and pity party....Good Grief...life goes on.

I guess you just haven't bled enough for some of these fine folks.

Enjoy.... email me !!!

jph #1443456 08/04/05 07:41 PM
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Kandi,

This is NOT about Ed. It is about your and YOUR morals. It is about you and what marriage means and you expect it to mean to the next man in your life. You are way to damaged right now to be getting serious about another man, or even Ed.

Get the divorce, heal for some months and THEN see where you are. You are going to hurt this man you claim is so good, and you are going to hurt yourself. When you are afraid of the future, you should not face it by jumping into another relationship. It will hurt your kids, you, and yes your future.

Please think about this, a lot of the reasons one should not date while married and you are married, based not just in religion, but in the reality of how human's function. You are hurt, your vulnerable, and you are blind to many things right now. That is why marriage vows and waiting until the marriage is fully and legally done with is a good thing for you and your kids.

God Bless,

JL

jph #1443457 08/04/05 07:50 PM
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Quote
manipulation of Ed.


If you will remember back this is not the first time she has drug a man into the picture to keep the pot stirred and manipulate Ed. I believe it was an old boyfriend last time. I really don't care enough to go searching.

I am not even debating the right or wrong of dating yet, but I really hate to see these guys get caught up in THEIR sick games. I know they are grown men. Most of all, it is the boys that are being forced to live this tragedy that have my utmost sympathy.


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I have to say I agree with betrayedNJersey.....
Live your life Kandi and do what you feel is right for YOU!!


Me 35
STBX 39
Dear son 9
Married...15 years (Jan. 20, 1990)
D-Day July 20, 2004.
Divorcing!

What goes around comes around

Sometimes we have to hold our head high, blink back the tears and say GOOD-BYE
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In all honesty there is no need for y'all to fret about motive or manipulations.

I'm sure it will be aired on another Dr. Phil episode...keep those TVs tuned in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

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Last edited by MovingForward4Me; 08/08/05 10:07 AM.


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I think there is no doubt at this point that Kandi is legally married. Whether she's emotionally married, that's up for her to decided. In order to move to another relationship, she needs to be a) legally out of her marriage and b) mentally able to move on. It's not just earning your way out of a marriage but working through all of the stages. Then you can be ready for the next relationship.

For another thing, I feel sad that Kandi is not taking advantage of the growth situation offered her. One can live without a man, a big house and a fancy car. One can have great friends and group activities. Learn to date again. Try to be independent. Try all the different things you always wanted to do. The right material possessions don't make for happiness. Believe me, this is something I've been thinking a lot about. I'm going to come out of this a very different person than I was before. I want a little time, alone and relationship-free, to figure the new me out.

It's not fair to dis Kandi about what she wants and gets from this forum. We're all here for support. We all want to hear what we want to hear. Most of us get alot out of this board. Sometimes, we're like little [censored] teenagers and have our moments. I appreciate the people who've been through the long, dark tunnel and still come back here to help us deal with our individual messes. Is this topic a powerplay for Ed's attentions? Joyfulness? Bragging? Or just moving on a bit too soon? I suppose I'd have to read each post more carefully to discern that.

Good luck MF4M, don't let all this scare you away.


Grapes are versatile. Grapes can be sour, sweet, sublime as wine and fabulous even when old and dried out.

Me: BS
XCH: Clueless
2-DS: Bigger than me
1-DD: Now also bigger than me!

5/6: Personally served CH with divorce papers
6/6: CH F? wants to time to see if M can be saved
7/6: FCH reenters our lives to work on marriage but secretly signs papers to start divorce...what's that about?
Mediation set for November
Final dissolution in January 2007.
2008 and beyond: Life goes on...
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To Racer X and anyone else cheering this on......


You are all confusing the issues greatly.

This isn't about Ed, what he does, or does not do.

It also isn't about whether or not Kandi is done with this marriage.

I speak from personal experience and from all the BS's that have been through the same thing.

Kandi has work to do on Kandi, that is the point.

Every day spent getting involved with another is only setting back her growth. Nevermind that she is still legally married.

Kandi...this is for you...with the utmost respect I am saying you are not you. Does that sound funny? You aren't you and you haven't been you for a long time. The you that used to exist doesn't anymore and now is the time to find that person. I say that having passed through the same road you are on. Your world has been to topsy turvy and it's been so long since Kandi mattered to Kandi.

I know you probably think you are different, I did too. I wasn't and neither are you.

What you are getting is just a big helping of attention, makes you feel wanted again doesn't it? Feels good to know somebody could be interested right?

Somebody will be in 6 months too, or a year Kandi.

Please don't justify this...it just turns all the stuff you did, all the work you did, all the suffering you did into nothing more than a front....because no matter what you are doing is still an affair, secret or not Kandi.

Chris is right when he says that to people, he said it to me and I did what you are doing now, justified and made excuses...but in the end he was right, I got to delay my personal growth and mourn the loss of my marriage and relationship all at the same time.

A triple whammy of epic proportions...to realize the marriage is truly gone, GF gone, owning up to cheating on my wife even though like you the D was only a month away(meaning dating before marriage was officially over, I'm the BS)...and back to day one of recovery.

Perspective Kandi...that is what I am trying to pass along...experience and perspective

Good Luck


"Who are you" said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation.

Alice replied, rather shyly, "I--I hardly know, sir, just at present...At least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then."
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I'll email you, just in case you've heeded my advice and skiddaddled out of here...but I'm doing just dandy thanks.

I'm not going into much detail, rehashing that same old stuff, x amount of days since DDAY, x amount of months into recovery, I realized long ago, that if I let this place consume me, like it has countless others, than I'd be standing around counting too many damned days, and not really living them..... get me ?

Disrespectful judgements flying all over the place, served up for dessert, with a little left over for breakfast. I'm glad to see such a strong following of Harley's principals on his own website <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

For a whole lot of people that have never met you, they sure know what your future holds.

A lot of people are forgetting that EVERYONE is different. EVERYONE has their own timeline to deal with everything. It's like the death of a loved one, some mourn one way, some mourn another, but do you criticize someone for not mourning the same way you would ? Isn't this the same principal ???????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

p.s. it's not what I'd call a cult... but there IS a another word I'm thinking of.... chat at ya soon.

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I don't think you have been reading the bulk of the posts very carefully. I don't think any of them said you should have Ed move back in or not go through with the DV.

It is sad that you can't really hear the care and concern the majority of the posters have for you Kandi. You have adopted a defensive attitude instead of a receptive attitude.

JL summed up what the majority of the general philosophically correct MB advice has been. But I am afraid you just can't hear it. Sad.

We ultimately want the best for you and family.


Married 1976
Me:BS
Him:FWS
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but I AM happy...so be happy FOR me, ok!


OK if so <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I'm not Belonging to Nowhere anymore! :-)
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Really, I just wanted to be honest here...but see what honesty gets you at MB...a dear MB friend of mine whom shall remain nameless at this time said this was a cult! I'm beginning to think that myself!

How so?

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RM, I am in no way "cheering this on"

I would hope Kandi could move on without Ed and spend some time alone for clarity. What your missing here is how impossible that is for some people. There are people in our world who hate being alone. I am one of them. Personally, I don't think thats such a bad thing. The pull of love from another person is so strong that it's impossible to avoid.

You see, this fear of being alone allows Ed to manipulate Kandi. When he blabbers and spews all the words of manipulation she buys it because what she needs more than anything is to be a part of that union.

SOOOO, IMO what we have here is a choice. Kandi can continue being manipulated Ed (I think we could both agree this won't end when the D is final) OR someone else can pull her to the other side.

I'm of the opinion that Ed is WAY beyond hope. What Ed has put her through is abuse beyond any I have ever seen. I see OM as her ONLY way to be free of him for good.

Kandi, you do have support no matter how these posts read. A few of us have stepped up and had the stones to voice our opinions. But I suspect (looking at the number of views) that what speaks bigger is the people who HAVEN'T replied for fear of not being PC/MB correct.

Good for you who have HAD the stones and speak up for her!


Moving on, is a simple thing, It's what you leave behind that's hard. - Dave Mustaine
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