Does anyone sleep on these forums-the last time I was up this late regularly- I was dating my husband and we just couldn't seperate from each other because we were so in love- oh wait a minute how could we have been in love- he's not sure he knows what that is-Sorry I have PMS-I guess it shows-

rsbw, I don't see that you have done anything wrong. In fact, I like many of your responses. There is nothing wrong with having discussions with him about how you feel. Just don't do it with any lovebusters. And don't fight with him.

He is a typical fogged out WS who is in the throes of an addiction. Don't let the things he says get to you, because this will all change *IF* you do the legwork and nuke this affair by telling the OWH and selling your house.

Well the house goes on mkt 2 wks- the OWH- I'm still debating-my mom told me- what if you tell and he throws her out-who will she come running to-because she wants out-she just didn't have an option until now-
Oh- and my husband asks so how long do we work 6 mths ,1 year, then what happens when the time is up do you want more time and then more? Uh- Yea!
I said I don't know- the whole deal with marriage vows was til death do you part- we promised each other remember- but,he says people break promises all the time- that's right I said other people do- you do understand the concept of lying and right/wrong correct- he didn't like that-
So after all of my crying and discussing and whatnot-I never spoke loudly-he hates that-and I really have a hard time with that habit, always have-he says what if by some MIRACLE-we can work things out than I do owe you- either way I owe you- but how do I make up for this- I said I don't know- no more female friends ever-and not material things but just making sure I realize that your sorry and that I know that you will be there forever.
Am I being too hopeful- it sounds good-but tommorrow- he may be grouchy again- and how do I not push- pretend it never happened-SURE-I said right now the affair I can't even deal with because it literally sickens me-so all I have left is this marriage- and what do I have to lose-if I don't fight- for sure your gone and if I do I might push you away- I say fight-
Oh- earlier I'd said to him that I thought he'd leave when we get back home and that I think if he leaves he'll never come back- and he says why- why do you think that you don't know-I just need to think-away from everyone-I said if you were by yourself maybe- but chances are- you leave- get about a mile down the road and call her- I've left-and she comes running- then you've abandoned me and our boys for her and hers- what will that say to them? Yea- you'd be a great dad to them but you won't be a dad to ours then-is that fair to OUR boys-is that something you've thought of- then the kids came barreling -so all talking ceased and gamefaces came back on-we were very normal again then and before we left to get dinner- I said no more talks about this this week- if this is our last family vacation I at least want the boys to remember it as a good one-So -now I throw caution to the wind- and have fun
Wish me luck

Your mom is giving you terrible advice. Just know that as long as he doesn't know, the risk of the affair resuming is greatly enhanced. There is a much greater chance of that happening than of him kicking her out. Exposure ruins affairs and that is your job to ruin the affair.

Besides, rsbw, you have a moral obligation to warn the man so he can protect himself from your H and his W. He should have the same opportunity to save his marriage as you have. He can't do that if everyone lies to him.

So, by keeping her secret for her, you simply help the OW continue to pursue your H, I hope you realize that. Because it doesn't help you at all, it just helps the affair.

Rsbw,

You should update your BIO to include D-Day. I’m going through a similar situation although my WS is my W and my D-Day was June 25 so I could tell you how my wife has acted at similar time post D-Day. I’ll be in touch.

Re D-Day This started on July 3rd- I found out about EA July 9- I found out about PA July 31st- was told PA only once and about 2 wks prior- So when is my actual D Day- the day I found out or the day of occurance? Today we returned from our trip- it was the most awkward 4 days ever-one day good-one day bad- etc- He is ready to give up and go- and I am trying to get him to stay and work on us- He has no DESIRE to work on us- doesn't want to touch me or talk to me and if I don't quit bothering him-well he's begun to hate me- thing is his A was so intensely satisfying and he has such deep feelings for her- he just can't stay away-and why should he- he is here because of our boys and that's all-he doesn't want to work on us - he just doesn't want to-and he doesn't know if he ever will-he just doesn't care- he'd rather be broke,homeless and happy than live in a great house with a great wife and great kids who all love him desperatly- So what do I do now- I'm getting tired of waiting- and if he won't try than why should I bother- I'm just wasting my time and energy and emotions on a freakin log-
Now what ?

Rsbw,

Stay on plan A and try and fight as hard as you can.

If he is love of your life, find away to romance him, heck plan a weekend getaway. I’m sure you know what your husband like’s you to wear, complete it with some sexy lingerie and seduce him, h*ck us guys loved to be seduced and romanced as well.

Heck maybe we should have had the affair so they could romance us…just kind of kidding, because we unfortunately must be stronger and fight harder for what we want and believe in.

Take things day by day for awhile, one step at a time, remember we all crawl before we walk, which we do before we run, so don’t start sprinting…Take some small steps first and try to make each other feel special.

OK-but how do you romance someone who won't touch you or respond to your touch- I know I could get him to be with me- but the problem is there is no emotional connection for him so he doesn't want to be with me-
As a matter of fact- he is gone now- we were home 30 min- unloaded car- then he needed to get car washed and run an errand- he's been gone 1 hr 45 min- the car wash is 15 min away unless he went all the way across town- I'm sure he's out driving or talking on his cell phone-but he's just not here-

oh I know that sick feeling.

HUGS! you will make it through this minute and the next minute.

rsbw, he won't feel like romancing you at all until his affair ends; his heart is invested in a fantasy. And his affair won't end until you expose it. Exposure RUINS an affair because affairs are based on a fantasy. Exposure takes all that away by causing embarrassment and great conflict in the affair. There isn't a single thing we can tell you that is even half as effective as exposure. You are spinning your wheels as long as you continue to aide and abet them in hiding their secret.

Ok-
Well I threatened to do just that and he turned it around on me- and said he would destroy my name by telling my secrets to everyone especially my father-
Tonight we went house shopping and that turned into an argument with him saying basically I lied to him for 15 years and it affected our marriage and I could have fixed the problem and if I really loved him like I said- I would have fixed it then or told him about it so we could have worked on it together.
He got really ugly and loud and cussed me- he has never done that before-I really think all of this is hopeless-
He says I can't love him truly because I lied to him- and my lie caused his unhappiness which he then turned that in to his A- he knows that was wrong- but it might not have happened had I been completely honest about myself and completely comfortable with myself- and
Now- that I have realized its all about to be gone I am backpeddling and trying to make it right so that isn't honest either- because if things got better than he thinks I would be my old self again-and we're back to where we started-I believe it is just a matter of time- the last thing I said to him was this- we both made mistakes- I do love you and hope that someday you will love me again too- but I can't make you- what I can do though is try and make you happy for now and then maybe you can put forth a positive effort on us- He said ok- and left the room-
So now he's house hunting on the computer-supposedly our house but in reality Ithink he is not planning on living there-
Re: our touching and whatnot- he has NO DESIRE WHATSOEVER-he could just to make me happy but he doesn't want me to get false hope-I can't stand the silent treatment or never
being touched- I feel so abandoned- Now I know how he's felt for so long- and it might take 15 yrs to get over it-
I told him the other night that he wouldn't be that hard to replace- of course he took that to mean I didn't really love him -because how could I replace him so easily if I did-I tried to clarify that previously in that conversation I had told him that I would always love him- but I wouldn't wait forever-I don't know if I could love again- but I could find someone to take his spot- I only was trying to piss him off and make him think a little- I guess it worked but not to my advantage-
All of these websites are all a bunch of hooey to him- you shouldn't have to work on things they should just be there- you should know what your spouse needs if you really deeply love them and be able to give it- He shouldn't have to tell me what he wants- I should know-
Right now he wants to be left alone-period-

Am I just prolonging the inevitable or what?

Making threats is a waste of time that only undermines your position - it never works. Nor is it a good idea to prewarn a WS that you are going to expose them. It only gives them a chance to get to the OWH and spin the story. And the story is usually spun with you starring as the "jealous nut" who is overly suspicious. Then when you do contact him, he just thinks you are a raving nutjob.

That's why its best to just do it. The sooner you do it, the sooner the affair will end and the sooner the affair ends, the sooner you can start working on your marriage.

Secondly, you are going to have to STOP fighting with him, stop making disrespectful judgement and stop trying to educate him. All of your little arguments are only handing him ammunition to use against you. He needs to demonize you in order to rationalize his affair, so when you take the bait and fight with him, you are shooting yourself.

When you lovebust him you push him away more and make the OW look more attractive. You help the OW when you do that.

But, all that is a waste of time if you don't expose to the OWH. You are spinning your wheels and wasting your time by putting it off.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley? I would suggest getting that book ASAP along with Lovebusters Dr Harley. In the meantime, please read about Plan A in my signature.

Did he call the OW on his cell phone when you got back from your trip? Have you checked his calls online or on his phone?

No- He locked me out of cell phone 2 days ago- says he's unlocked it but won't remove her # just for spite-
Oh- He said sometime earlier- if I'm such an [censored]- than why do you "Love" me and why would you want me back- I said I don't know why- I just do- I guess I made a commitment a long time ago- and I loved you then and I love you now-
R

rsbw, can you go online and look at his calls?

People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. He is most likely still in the affair and still contacting the OW. It's a good thing you are covering for his affair.

you might as well invited her over to sleep with him in your bed with you watching....because are enabeling him to have his affair kept secret.

i went online yesterday and checked my husband's bill. we each have a phone-but they arein his name with two different numbers. i needed to enter the phone number and password. i didn't know the password.

so the directions were to enter my cell phone number and they would text message the password to my number. itsaid"if you don'tget the text message in 5 minutes call 1-800-******.

so i didn't get the text-i called the number

all they wanted was the phone number and then my husband's social security number-they gave me the number over the phone.

ps-don't try getting the text unless you can get into his phone because it will be there and he will see it.

just enter your number, call and say you didn't get the text...

it can't hurt to try right?

good luck!

if its cingular, the phone calls won't show up online until th billing cycle is done. and recently they disabled the data information (text messages) so I cannot see how many text at all are sent.

ask me how I know this.

whattagirl, are you sure? Because I have cingular and they JUST RECENTLY added up to the minute calls. I can now go in and see every call I made that day! This feature was not on there a couple of weeks ago. Just click on the thing that says: "View details for minutes used"

let me go try it!

I hope the data detail gets added.