OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it only goes up to the 10th on ours....we have heavy usage though....

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the text numbers are there too!


woaah....i've got the power.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> mine shows my last call at 5:18 today so it is real uptodate!

priceless.

contact as late as sunday

sorry to threadjack, but the day that he saw the list I accidently left out "NC letter from both of us" he was in contact.

figures.

******

Hey ya'll-
OK- what now- he does not want to try -has no feelings towards me and thinks if he stays resentment will start to grow- has been looking at articles on divorce and children- how to break it to them- he thinks if he does it right that they won't be too upset-he says I'm willing to try but he isn't- he's here for now- but that could change any time-
He won't listen to anything I have to say-

Any day now

Expose the affair, rsbw. He is holding out hope that he can be with the OW. If you want to save your marriage, you must bust up this affair before it gets any thicker. Your best hope of busting up the affair is to expose it. I just don't know what to tell you to do if you won't even do the most basic thing to help yourself, rsbw. You are going to have to do some work here if you want to save it.

I don't think the affair is the problem-there has been no contact-I know ya'll think I'm a sucker- but the problem was before and apparently I knew of this problem and knew how to fix it and did nothing, which constitutes a big lie for 12yrs- so a lot of our marriage problems are my fault- but he acknowledges the affair was his doing and was wrong-
I except my responsibility but think this can be fixed if he'd only try- he's convinced he's tried for 12 yrs- so why keep trying- the kids will be alright- I'll be alright- and he'll be extremely happy all by himself and broke-

I just wish a big rock would fall on his head and jar some sense into him-

My options now are to chill and leave him be as nicely as I can- but not sugary- and hope that once he realizes I am on his side- (I'm trying to keep him from making the biggest mistake of his life)- that he'll want to try-

He thinks he's being forced into trying and maybe he is- and he's acting like a spoiled 3 yr old- I'm not gonna do it- I'm not gonna do it-You can't make me-
How long does it take the fog to lift- How do I fight for something that only I want- he's convinced if he stayed he'd hate me for making him stay and talk about miserable- it would be even worse-

I am very depressed and lonely - and I am getting to the point of why - why try- maybe I should cut my losses and get on with my life-

Confused and scared

The fog will NEVER lift until the affair ends and all contact ends. The affair will not end until it is exposed and contact will not end until you move away. He can't withdraw while he has to look at the OW every day from across the street.

Trust me, the affair is the problem, rsbw. It is no mere coincidence that he suddenly wants a divorce at the same time he is having an affair.

They all say it's not, but it is, and you would be foolish to take his word. Sure, there were problems in the marriage before the affair, but he didn't leave over them. What has brought this on is his affair, it is a CLASSIC reaction of the WS that we see on here evry day.

He is in the throes of an addictive fantasy affair to which his own marriage cannot compare. Once you burst that bubble by exposing his affair and making it off limits to him, his fantasy will start crumbling. And your marriage doesn't have a hope in he** until you a) realize that and b) start doing something about it.

\

You won't have a choice in this at all if you don't start doing something about it, rsbw, because while you are sitting here doing nothing, your marriage is crumbling because your H is in the throes of an affair.

Why not try using Marriage Builders principles for a change?

rsbw
you might want to read my thread.

like you i thought for sure the affair was not the problem. i was wrong.

now i'm trying to expose but i may have waited too long to save my marraige

please don't make the same mistakes i have

please listen to melodylane...she has been here long enought to read about alot of situations and what she says IS THE REALITY OF IT ALL...her advice comes from seeing what people find out even though they believe something else and seeing WHAT WORKS AND WHAT DOES NOT

EXPOSURE IS YOUR ONLY CHANCE!!!
eav

rsbw,

I know how you feel think your marriage is a lie, I feel the same way and wanted the quick fix. Suggesting that we renew our VOW’s, the problem is your spouse isn’t ready for that and you’re on an emotional rollercoaster without the luxury of talking it over with your best friend. So you like I come here to talk, many of us have some very similar stories…We the FS are still in love with our WS and are the ones trying to heal the M…The hardest part is to get them committed to the healing process and if I figure that one out, I’ll let you know what I did! But in the mean time you might want to read some of my posts, I asked some of the same questions and this is a very loving and wonderful group that wants to share their experiences and help us!

You might want to read these posts:

How do I make her my WS feel my love and special….again!

How do I make a great Marriage plan?

How do you get out of the Fog? And back on with your life?

Looking for other WS for answers?

How does someone really have an A if there in-love with spouse?

Looking for Opinion on my WS Answer to A?

How to make my marriage special again?

I’m 50 days from D-day so I can truly relate, feel free to ask questions and read Dr. Harleys articles.

I have tried a few times to get my WS to read some of the articles and posting but its been very hard to get accomplished, she is convinced that they all make out the WS to be a very bad person and she told me she can’t deal with any more pain. I on the other hand feel pain is part of the healing process, because with out it they wouldn’t be vested and care. So my latest attempt to get her to read some of the articles and posts is to place them in a directory on our computer and send her a link to read them. So I wrote the following email:

-------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU!

At some point you might want to review some of the stuff I have been reading, I know it has helped me and I’m hopeful some of it can help you. I have spent many hours reading and some writing. All of this helps, which is why I think you should read some of this material.

I placed some of the documents in a folder and gave her a link to the location.

I know we are both committed to our marriage but we need to discuss what has and is happening and what we are going to do next. I want us to be a special couple again and want to feel special, as I know you do.

I know from the bottom of my heart that I want to be married to you! I want my feelings of emptiness and mistrust to fade but need your continued help.


Your Loving,

Husband
-------------------------------------------------


Might be worth a try!

Good luck,

Hey everyone-
I'm back- I took some time to think- well I have decided that I cannot fix this problem- it is his- our issues before D-Day can and will be fixed if he helps- otherwise nothing will change-
Thing is- he still is confused and does not know whether to stay and work or go- so I being the patient person that I am (I'M NOT PATIENT-so this is very hard)have decided to give him some space here at home and not to yell and argue-he hates yelling- I do my regular everyday stuff and talk to him only when needed and act like normal- and he has actually been very pleasant- so I guess its a start-

It's just getting him to the point of wanting to try again-
if he ever gets there we have a chance- otherwise I'm fighting a losing battle-
We saw our MC today and she keeps reiterating the fact that he hasn't LEFT yet and thats a good thing because he isn't sure what he wants-so anyone want to do the LIMBO-I've been hanging out there a lot these days-
I actually came to the conclusion that I can forgive him and have - NOT FORGOTTEN- I told our MC and she says I think he needs to hear that- I really wasn't ready to tell him but I did tonight before he went to bed- I just said it- but qualified it first by saying the MC recommended I tell him- but I also told him I have not forgotten and never will- That's the most I can do at this point-
Sleepy- Good night- RSBW

Hey everyone-

The theory now- is to give him his space- to the point of returning cold shoulder if needed-
Apparently its working somewhat because he's actually been cordial and even acting like he's in a decent mood on occasion- Yesterday we actually talked for about an hour- and I didn't start it he did-he mainly apologized for my losing weight because of the stress and brought up the sex issue- and the lack of it- well he needs it but doesn't want me to get my hopes up if we do because he's afraid of hurting me worse-I said well- you know there isn't anything lower than rock bottom- and -I think if we are going to try and work on things sex is a big part of it- so why not- and if it doesn't work out- oh well- at least we tried- and relieved some stress at the same time-

Update- found a new house to buy and put a contract on it-our house got listed today-sign is in yard- just waiting for neighbors to come start asking- Hey, whats up?

This morning he was very pleasant again- after realtor left-he was GROUCHY- I asked a few questions -just trying to get him on an interesting subject- and he gets mad- says he's aggravated- has a lot to do-blah blah-kind of starts throwing stuff away-(he was cleaning garage)and generally ignoring me- so I came in and did my own thing- a little while later- he comes up stairs and gets in shower- I asked where he was going-he practically growls at me- I said- so why exactly are you upset?- Quit asking me so many questions- etc.-
So I leave and get the kids from school- return and he's coming out the door to go somewhere with the boys- I said you'll need to take care of dinner- he just says OK- so I go to work- well I got done early at work- so I called to see about dinner and they were getting pizza and I said well am I invited- He says- Sure come on- So I get there and you'll never guess- but he's in a crappy mood and he's about to fall asleep(He works nights and hadn't been to bed yet)- so after we get back home- he gets on computer and ignores me- his mom had sent him a card so I gave it to him-he's kind of upset with her because she thinks he's lost his mind- and after about an hour- he decides to go to bed- he gets in- I was in there paying bills- I got up to leave and turn out lights- I told him good night- he won't even look at me and I notice he's about to cry- AAGGH !!! So I say- is your mood about the new house and he says no- so I leave- My husband has cried maybe 5 times since I've known him- and in the last month I can't even count the number of times he's cried-

What is going on ???- The only thing I can figure is he's upset because we have to sell our beautiful house and move- and his garage- which he has worked so hard on - is about to be history- and all the time and money we've put into this house will be no more-and hopefully he feels like the [censored] he is- OR- he's gonna MISS not being able to see chick everyday- get this- she is at the school all the time- subbing and whatnot- so -I have made it a point never to let him go to the school without me- he used to pick the kids up on occasion if I had to work- well not any more- I know I'm probably being paranoid- but its the only thing I can do at this point- seeing her is bad enough for me- I don't want to put him in a situation where he'd have to be polite- and you know-

I know - I know probably way too much info- its just 3 days of almost normalcy- no fighting etc- and then boom- he's in a rotten mood again- he's worse than me with PMS-

Is it worth it? Yes- I will tell the OWH- soon-
he did unlock his cell phone- and her # is gone- at least that's something-

I want my old life back- will it ever happen?- I swear I cry every day -and now my poor folks get to listen to me whine- and his mom even checks on me daily- my clients at work are worried about me- everyone notices I 've lost a lot of weight and I'm not my normal bubbly self- I just can't be fun any more- and I snap at the kids all the time- I feel like a horrible mom - I am so tired of taking care of everyone but myself- when do I get taken care of ???-

Scared and waiting -

OK- guys I'm beginning to feel left out-are ya'll not gonna
talk to me until I Expose tha A ?

rsbw, you seem to be avoiding the reality and going into dential. Its a survival technique to protect yourself. Most people can't bear the pain of being cheated on.

Why should you be putting up with infidelity? Why should you hide his secret? You can't recover until its done with. I am stuck right now inbetween discovery and 'done with'. It sucks.

I know- I just don't want to do it- I'm trying to move away and I guess I'm sort of running away too-
RSBW

Hey....chin up girl. Just keep evaluating yourself and your motive. WHY? why are you doing this? I struggle with this too. When I am ashamed of something I want to hide it. Why am I ashamed of my H in an EA? I didn't tell him to call her up. That shame is not rightfully mine, its his. The only thing I should rightfully take shame for if that is the case (I'm not there yet) why am i allowing myself to be cheated on? why am I putting up with it?

Here's the thing. My shame is from what I have not done right. My shame does not come from the fact that my H is in an EA. Thats HIS shame, and the consequences are his. They will hurt me too, but I'm not the one who screwed around.

I do have to say, denial is a tough nut to crack. Eventually you will be able to grasp what is actually happening and you will then be able to deal with the reality.

Well- it's all over but the crying now-last night we had another discussion that ended in him saying he doesn't love me- never has-never will- the last 15 years was the biggest mistake of his life-they have had phone, email contact this whole time last night even- he literally only was distant from her for 1 wk- and then he just knew- he had to leave- so he's been putting in the time til we could get moved and then he was going to go packing-
I must be the laughing stock of the neighborhood- I have got to be the biggest fool alive- for some reason I thought my marriage had a chance- what a joke- he was planning on leaving all along-
well- this morning- I called her and woke her up and asked her to meet me on her front porch- I VERY NICELY asked to speak to her alone- her husband came to the door too- he said has something happened and I say yes- but I need to talk to her alone- I asked her if she was happy and proud of herself- of course she said No- but he persued her and she backed away for 2 wks before joining in- and I said I thought you were my friend- you knew how this would make me feel- and you did it anyway- she said your marriage had problems to begin with -or he wouldn't have been down here all the time with me- and why would you even want someone who would do that to you- you deserve more- WHAT BALLS !!

Then- guess who comes walking down the street- you guessed it my H- I told him we didn't need his help - there was no bloodshed- so he could leave- HE ASKS HER IF SHE IS OK- AND DOES SHE WANT HIM TO LEAVE- HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her husband comes out and says- I'm leaving her today -she doesn't want me- and I said well- we're moving now-and not together- he's leaving today too- Her H said - let them go we can't make them stay - and why would we want them to- he then asked if I'd talk to him if he called and I said sure-

My H and I go home- he was supposed to touch up paint the house today - so he did that - and I got to tell our boys he was leaving because he didn't love me anymore-
then he came in the room and confirmed everything- so my boys lost it- the youngest one crawled up into his lap and would not let go for like 30 min- and the oldest just looked at him like he'd grown two heads- and tried to not cry- but failed- and of course I was bawling the whole time-
a little while later he packed his suitcase- took a shower the boys came in here and cried again on my shoulder-then they got back into bed and stayed there -this was about 10:00 am- he then kissed and hugged them and told them goodbye-
My youngest had put a teddy bear with their picture on it into his suitcase so he wouldn't FORGET them-he lost it when he saw that- I asked if this was really what he wanted- he said he needed to go- he needed to think- RIGHT !!!
He hugged me goodbye and left crying- but he needs to be happy and can't be that way with me- and said he wasn't going to her he was going to be alone- SURE-

My folks came over - his folks came over- and after they left the boys wanted to know if he would come back- why he left- and I told them he left because he doesn't love me anymore- and they asked if he loved someone else- and I said Yes- and they wanted to know who- earlier they found out from thier dad that their friend across the street parent's were getting a divorce today- and they put 2+2 and VOILA- now they know their dad wants to be with the lady across the street- she told her husband to leave today too-

WHAT A PILE OF STINKING SH** !!!!!!

So- he's gone -he went to stay with his dad- the one who did the same thing to his mom when he was the same age -the one who said Follow Your Heart Son- right across the street-

Now what- they want to know if he'll come back- they tried to call him tonight and he talked to them for about 5 min-

WHAT KIND OF AMORAL HUMAN BEING DOES THIS TO THEIR CHILDREN- AND THEIR WIFE of 12 YRS-???

I GIVE UP !!

PS- The OWH who was supposed to be a violent jerk- all this was heresay by the way- he has called me 4 times to check on me- see if he could help- see if I needed someone to talk to- and generally acted as though he cared about me- told me not to worry- it wouldn't be long before I replaced my H- because I was attractive and a great person with a great personality and a great bod-
Ironic- I always thought he was the biggest a**hole alive- and yet he cares that I'm in the same crap pile that he's in- NO- I don't think this is get into pants revenge thing- but-- NO- NO- I couldn't and wouldn't it won't make my H jealous or return-

My youngest keeps trying to throw up and the oldest says he'll take care of me- and they offered me their savings to pay bills with-my 10 and 8 yr old have become men today- they aren't innocent little boys anymore-and that just kills me- I told them I tried to get him to stay and they are trying to comfort me-

Is there light at the end of the tunnel??

Yes,

Give him sometime and ask him to go somewhere privet to talk, maybe a park. Remind him that you just don’t stop loving someone, especially your family. Oh ya the whole world is screwing up their children and families but is that what you really want?

Give him this little story, mine as a child!

I was a young child when I too was told my father was leaving and my parents where getting a divorce, as a child I didn’t understand or care who was right or wrong…I just cried…The pain is very similar to finding out your spouse is unfaithful! Does it heal yes and no, I always loved my parents but no longer respected them the same. As a child you feel that you have been abandoned, you don’t care why they are separating you just believe you are also at fault.

Your life is shuttled between two families and for me my father was the visiting family so we became very distant. I actually didn’t care if he was in my life at all, but my mother made sure we always treated him with respect. She would say he is your FATHER! Both my mother and father started new families and I felt like an outsider.

A few years down the road and both of their families had more problems than the original and they got divorced, now many, many years latter my parents are dating and engaged to be married. I have never seen either one happier! To bad they weren’t smart enough to save their children from all of the pain, when they really need to figure out that they really did love one another!

A DIVORSE AFFECTS EVERYONE FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES…make sure it’s what you really want to do! You got married because you both where truly IN-LOVE, I don’t think infidelity is because of the lack of love. I think our lives become complicated and busy and we don’t romance our spouse, pursue them like we are dating and have fun.

Really, Really make sure you are doing the right thing, more second time marriages lead to failure than first, many people that get divorced the first time regret their decision. DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU!


Good luck

Thanks for your story-
I will tell him about it- He came over today to do some repairs- and stayed 3 hours-we talked quite a bit- I told him I wasn't holding out any hope- my plan now is to move and make a fresh start with my 2 boys-
He seemed like his old self- and commented on my losing more weight- then proceeded to fix me a snack and made me eat some of it-interesting-
I told him I'd be ok without him I was before I knew him and I will be now- I also told him I have no expectations but our MC asked me to try and wait while he thinks- I told him he had a little time- but that was it- he said if we're meant to be together we will be- nothing can stop that -this could be some kind of great test- SURE- I think he's just trying to console me- He gave me a big hug and left with the boys for a while- they returned and he brought me an icecream to eat-( This is the same man who told me he'd never have a fat wife)- He's coming over tom
to change oil in car- and then we have a joint appt with MC- that should be interesting-

Befuddled

PS- Last night when he left to go to his dad's (that's where he's staying) he said which book do you want me to read- I looked at him and said -one of my books(MARRIAGE)-
he said- I'll have a lot of time- pick one out and I promise I'll read it- 2 days ago all those books were just written by someone trying to get saps like me to give them money- now he's actually going to read one- He's being really weird-
Befuddled