Oh my goodness are we divorced from the same guy? My X called me up Saturday screaming and yelling at me too and used all kinds of profane language with me....in front of my son....I hope he didn't know his dad was talking to his mother....any how...yesterday, I almost died...our nanny was 1 1/2 hours late bringing my son home. She forgot her cell phone at my house, my X didn't answer his cell after 3 attempted calls. I was hysterical. I called the state police and asked if there were any reported accidents on the expressway between our 2 homes. I was never so upset with him in my life. When he finally called me after the child was an hour past due to be home, I got yelled at again.
These guys keep lashing out and treat us like we're the ones who had affairs and had to get married. I just don't get it. I think all this anger and lashing out is clearly an indication of how miserable they are inside. I'm glad I have my inner peace.

It is because they HATE THEMSELVES and are PROJECTING their pain from their own actions onto us.

It is as simple as that as to why they do these things...hey...how's about hearing some INCREDIBLE FOG TALK
???GOT email via darth...it's amazing:

Email via Darth last night after his verbal tirade:
Darth:Your still the same and the past 3 years have been the best of my life and getting better

what I'm thinking reading this: If you consider Darth boinking as many 21 year olds as you can in the last 3 years the best years of your life...you STILL don't know that I know everything! You cheated on me with 3 people. BEFORE even marrying FV...you slept with 2 and have slept with so many now it doesn't matter. What a dream marriage huh darth?

Darth: You didn't know the person then and you certaintly don't me now. Let's just not worry about me and just know that I am what most men dream of becoming or achieving. I'm sorry for the comments, but you just need to listen. You may not believe this, but I am much wiser than you. Not smarter in education, but much much much wiser when it comes to wordly matters (this was in response to my saying that I once knew him and that I much cared for the man I knew seven years ago...)

What I am thinking reading this: What men? Howard Stern? Hugh Hefner? The 41 year old virgin? Who wants to be you Darth? AGain, revision of history...what an old passe tactic Darth. Much wiser in wordly matters? Well I don't watch porn. I know he does. Guess he's wiser than I am in that regard. I don't gamble. Guess he's wiser than me in that regard. I haven't had alot of sex in the last 3 years...and Whoa Nellie! Darth has done atlanta for crying out loud...I guess he's a GENIUS in that regard...but unfortunately not as good as he'd like to think he is.

This guy has got to be committed. He's severely delusional and one of the most narcissistic people I've ever met in my life.

To think he actually had enough cajones to write to me that "men dream of being like me" or something similar.

Yea, maybe if they're a pimp.

I am soooooo sick and tired of him. When I read this email this afternoon, I almost tossed my tacos. Bleeeeech!

MY XWH IS CRAAAAAZY!

We all know he's "CRAAAAAZY" hon, but you seem to keep on forgetting. LOL. Look how he's still affecting you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know you've healed tremendously, and goodness knows, you've done far better than most others would given the same situation. BUT, he's still getting to you emotionally (it's easily seen in your posts, which I keep up to date on, for YEARS now I think LOL).

How about the NC approach again? You relayed messages through a third party in the past, right? Can you do it again? (because I"m starting to think you LIKE the drama! YIKES!)

Karen

Use that delete button.Anytime I used to see that any particular e-mail from my WH was headed in the very direction you described,it went into the twilight zone.You do not have to read it and if something important happened to be amongst all that cra*,then you can tell your EX that you refuse to read anymore e-mails as such until he can only relay the pertinent info.

Have all the ugly xs been off their meds lately. A week ago tonight, I had a screaming fight with mine. His wife, whom I actually sort of like, came downstairs and told us to knock it off. Son got a homework slip at school because he and x couldn't follow the directions I had given them.

Good grief....these men are such pieces of work.

Such serious pieces of work.......The sort of work that ends up in the disposal fires at the construction sites.

{{{{Peachy}}}} I know you don't really "like" the drama, but I also know from personal experience how easy it is to get caught up in it. It sounds like you're still looking for a shred of that person you once loved. I, too, wish my WH would admit to his mistakes or validate his responsibility for the current state of his life and our costly divorce that is dragging on forever. I have to keep telling myself to forget about it.

Did we get duped? Did they change? Maybe we'll never know. BUT, we are still okay no matter what happens to them, no matter if they think they've had the best 3 years of their lives (or 5 in my STBXH's case), no matter if we like or dislike the new W/GF/XOW/stillMOW in my case, no matter if they blame us for EVERYTHING. Whatever your buttons are, your XH will find them and push them, IF you give him the chance.

You have done an amazing job of recovery, but just lately you've been sucked back into the drama because FV came to you for help and you, kindly, but "unwisely", tried to help, and because you saw the imminent demise of their M as an opportunity for you - both for better custody arrangements and as vindication. My STBXH has called me "stupid" because I believed and trusted him. Do you really want to be what they call "wise" when what they mean is they can take advantage of anyone they want and we are "stupid" because we trust and care about people???

You have to be involved with him because he's your DS's father. It may seem like it's been long enough to relax the NC a bit, but your XH is extremely toxic to you and appparently every woman on whom he sets his sights. Don't let him upset you like this.

Havne't talked in a while here...had serious sitch w/son and all the while on call for emergency patients at hospital...can we say i am overloaded?

Son got sick thursday evening. Got call from FV while I was out shopping for son's toys for his party yesterday (which went well ok?)...she calls and says that my son can't breathe (he has mild asthma and allergies that can sometimes be worse than asthma ok)...I say to put son up to phone and he is sounding horrible. I say "take my son to hospital asap" She says she cannot. CANNOT. I say why the ****** not? She says b/c SHE HAS HER KIDS THERE....and she can't take them all to the hospital...WTF????

I ask Ms. Selfish Golddigger what is going on w/her brain? I tell her rudely and bluntly that "what would Mrs. Brady do if one of the brady kids got sick and needed attention? She'd load them up in the family van and tote them ALL to the hospital. Instead FV says she's calling Darth as he's on his way home (yea, from work at 9 pm...like he's working...at work anyway). I tell her I am on the way over to their home w/nebulizer and his meds and that he's to get it asap and if hes not better, I AM TAKING my son to hospital. My hospital. Heck who cares...I am on call anyway there.

I call darth. He says he's going to be home soon. He says he will bring son as I am on call. He is unusually nice.

I bring nebulizer over and give instructions to Darth. Darth is to call me within 15 min after giving it and tell me if son is better. If not, off to hospital. Anyway, he called and it was off to hospital time. Son had really bad allergy reaction and it was NOT the ashtma. Son recovered after er visit quickly and slept thru night but didn't go to school the next day. I sighed a huge sigh of relief on friday as my son's birthday party was yesterday and wanted him to enjoy it.

What burned me was FV's line in the sand regarding when and why this woman would take a child to the hospital. Apparently if it was HER kids, she'd do it. Too much hard work to take 3 kids to the hospital.

I SAY THEN TO FV...DON'T LAY UP. DON'T STEAL A WOMAN'S HUSBAND WHO HAS A CHILD IF YOU'RE NOT DARNED READY TO BE THE REAL STEPMOM AND NOT THE PRETEND GOLDDIGGER WANNA BE MOM YOU ARE!!!!! What a loser.

Party rolls around. I get called in right before party but on a technicality, it's a routine procedure w/stat twist...but not truly stat...so the hospital is sweet and staff lets me wait until after party to go in.

I pick up cake. It's awesome! one and a half foot pirate ship cake with spongebob at the helm of ship. Perfect! I bring a spongebob pinata and bubbles, and treats. It's cosmic bowling and lazer tag time! 15 kids show up. 2 arrive later.

Darth is surprisingly nice again. Very very nice. He is talking with me. IL's come up to me inbetween holding the baby for FV (who ignores her own baby for most of the party bumming it off on the IL's). They tell me that they will always love me. Yea right I say. Their actions reaaalllly show it with my phone always ringing off the hook from them and only receiving an occasional email forward with something nice and sappy on it.

We both wrangle the kids and I do the party activities and he and I actually talk during the party trying to navigate the whole affair...kinda hard with that many seven and six year olds I can tell you. Goes off without a hitch whatsoever! FV brought her buddy she went to bahamas to bust dart with to the party. She talked to that girl during whole thing. Whispered like two teenagers the whole time. And it was funny. I wore a brown tank top w/sparkles on it...and FV showed up in a chocolate brown also tank top...The other parents kinda snickered at this...but to the ones I know well...I said this...Well just like my life...I am again the originator...

The parents barely spoke to FV the whole time. I was friendly to her and helped the baby with some bubbles and was nice. Most know about the A. And their M. No surprises there. She said to me that "she's got something going on under wraps regarding darth and a D and she can't talk about it" yea whatever.

I will intervene only when it is for my son's benefit. Until then I am out of their whole slow moving trainwreck of a marriage.

At end of the day, I tell son I have to go to hospital and work. Some kids say "ms. peach, where are you going?" Darth replies in the party room loudly for all to here "she's on call and has to go to the hospital and work". Parents pat me on back as I leave. I hug my son and am out door...Darth stops me and asks if he can carry the heavy toy bag out to my car? WTF? He doesnt do that.

The parents saw this and some rolled their eyes...like what does Darth think he's doing saying that in front of his new wistress/Wifey? One of my best girlfriends' husbands had an opinion later after the party via my cell btw...

Darth walked me out the door carrying the big bag all the way down into the packed parkign lot. Again, strangely nice. We made small talk and I told him how well it went and thanked him for paying for the lazer tag and bowling. We agreed it was great. He put the bags in my car and then turned to walk off.

this was THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENT I HAVE HAD ALONE W/DARTH SINCE OUR DIVORCE.

He stops, stands for maybe 3 seconds with a strange and confused look on his face. Almost sad. Then he leans over, sticks out his arms, and hugs me. Big hug. Then we suddenly step back, realize I shouldn't hug this guy as he's awful 99.9 percent of time, and I say i have to go. He says to have a great weekend.

I teared up as I drove off. My xh did all this crap again for what? Ripped up a family for what? For a disentegrating marriage again? For a sham of a marriage? Why?

Then I get a grip and realize that this man is not broken. That he sent me earlier in the week a letter saying he was HAPPIER THAN HE'D EVER BEEN IN 3 YEARS. (yea right). And then he swore at me.

Called me ugliest name anybody has ever called me.

I believe this is a perfect example of the fallout of a WS who destroyed their life and regrets it so very much.

It is sad. I was teary all way to hospital. I loved man I married. Not this guy. But the man with for 3seconds with remorse and sadness in his eyes who carried out my bags...that was the guy I missed. And he will always disappear within seconds of seeing him. Like a ghost.

Have had a bit of confusion with dating. Doc I am going to see is in colorado on vacation right now. I leave with son on thursday for vacation. My x college bf and I are going to see each other in a few weeks. And the guy I used to date, one I also know from college (the NYC guy remember?) is doing and saying all the right things.

And yes, I looked fabulous yesterday. Had tanned (spray booth of course. No melanoma for me! Gotta practice what you preach), wore cute outfit. And am in decent shape now. My best (of my married friends)girlfriends' H called me (my best friend is in CA on vacation doing a spa thing...and her H and son flew back so that her son could go to my son's bday party..what good friends huh?)...and said "Peach. I gotta say. You served FV her lunch to her today in such a huuuuge way. You are 10 years older, but look 10 years younger than all the parents there. You handled all perfectly. NO attitude or anything. I only heard you say positive words and you were kind and decent. God I couldn't be after all that happened if it were me. And then how Darth said that you had to go to hospital as if he's bragging to other parents there that "see she's smart too?" kinda thing? It made FV steaming mad as I could see her and her buddy whispering and FV had really angry eyes. When he walked out with you, a few of the parents winked at each other too..as if they think he's missing you or somehting...he didn't try to kiss you did he? I swear that man's up to something." He called his W and she was giggling over the phone.

I told P that I was done with Darth. But that I loved theman I divorced and left. Not Darth. He said he knew it. He said that it was so obvious that he did not want to be there with FV either...that both were unahppy with each other.

I said it's their business and not mine.. Period.

P agreed. He and A say they're just my friends and want my happiness....

So all went ok.

Now to answer:
Cindy: Yea, it's in the water. Maybe the impending hurricane will blow some of their stupidity away. That's hilarious how the W came down to break up the fight.

Let's: I know...your'e right. I allowed to get in the middle of the Titanic b/c I thought I could help.

But in the end, it is about an OW who is dealing with what happens when you steal H and rip apart a family. Chaos is your lot. And it's about a WS who left his family for an OW...pain and chaos is his lot.

I'd best keep my distance and keep on doing what I am doing. Nothing but being decent and kind...with good fences.

I do miss my real H. The one who used to occupy the body of Darth. But as of now, darth's still wearing the helmet and cape. A sane woman does NOT miss a WS. And I cried a few (not alot ok) tears yesterday because I saw the ghost of my husband.

I had a few girlfriends over this weekend for a "girls weekend" (we did manicures, facials, had lots of yummy drinks and food, and talked a LOT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ).

One of the conversations we got into on Sunday afternoon, is about how it's okay to still love an ex. Afterall, we fell in love with them for a reason, and they influenced our lives in many ways, and if it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be who we are now.

My exH is an [censored] too.... but no matter what, there will ALWAYS be a part of me that loves him. He's the father of my children, and we went through SO MUCH together. So yah, it hurts when the odd glimpse of the man I thought he was comes through now and then... but like with Darth, it's not who he is now.

In the last year, I've finally been able to accept the fact that it's okay to still love him, even with all of his bad choices. There's something about that acceptance, that has allowed me to move forward more than ever since the end of the M.

I hope you can do the same, as it might bring you more peace and strength in your life that has Darth in it.

Karen

Back and son and I had a wonderful time...we just enjoyed spending quality time together...no worries..just good time and fun.

Then I caught a wicked cold the last day I was in Orlando...not fun.

Now I am back @ work and sick as a dog...one coworker is in Europe on vacay and another is passing kidney stones so I am running stuff and not happy about it..but can we say job security? Can we say massive overtime? bleech. But it is a secure job at least.

Had date last night w/cute doc. He's really sweet. Second with him. And he has called today to ask out for a third. This is wierd...it's going smoothly! And then my xcollege bf wants to fly into ATL next weekend and spend time w/me and my son...he was guy I almost married before darth...and whom I was on rebound from when I met Darth...and is Darth's ultimate nemesis....as they are extremely alike...yet very different. In a perfect world, he and I would end up together...I can say that with assurance btw..how wierd for me! But the distance between ATL and my hometown is not exactly an hours' commute. More like seven ok? So that is the issue. We both are d'd. Have children. And somebody would have to launch a legal quagmire to work that out. He also asked me to go to vegas with him for 4 days...jokingly said "peach..we should've gotten married when we were gonna do that. Oh well. Heck, we could end up doing something stupid in vegas..." I got a bit nervous. I could really see myself with him (love his family...his mom would have been the perfect IL...I get along with them great...still love me btw...and they think my son is adorable ...and am a bit worried to go with M to vegas b/c of the "what if"...what if I had more than 2 margaritas and wound up at the little white chapel? That could very well happen....

Then there's my old bf one I knew in college too...he's been down in MS helping his grandma move...no storm damage, she'sjust been in really bad health. HE's moving her to GA and getting her into a nice assisted living center. I am supposed to go to dinner w/him early next week.

Fickleness you may say...I say no. I say it's fear of committment. But I am getting better. things are ok.

It's wierd about how I feel about the future. I think I don't exactly get exclusive with one person b/c I don't want to get hurt again. And if i can date a few, I don't risk the chance of getting hurt...it did hurt after the fallout of my xbf and I...btw, he's fallen off the face of the earth. And of course, I felt horrible and still am dealing with the fallout from darth and our divorce. Scary, but I have known darth almost 12 years now. I never dreamed this would have happened.

I think I should just wait...wait and see a bit longer. Deep down. Really deep down I want a stable relationship with somebody I can count on. Somebody I know will be at my side and do the whole death do you part thing. And I am gonna hold out for it.

It was wierd. When I was at the airport, my cell rings at 8 in the morning. Darth never calls that early. He calls and wants to talk. We have small talk before boarding the plane. He talks to our son too. He is nice and says to enjoy our trip. And it was sad. I know it's gonna take time for me to put the D behind me. I am a girl who is faithful. I believed in forever. I would have given all for my family. And to know this is how it ended is kinda sad...but my son and I are doing quite well. It is like a lingering sadness...and I tell it now in darth's voice. One of my friends back home is a social worker w/masters' in psych too. She actually talked some sense into me about this issue..the lingering sadness. She said that now the dust has settled on the divorce. And that the sadness is now also on darth's part too. That his acting out and affairs is a manifest of his grief he has displaced...as he never did grieve. Not for his marriage or his family he lost when he made his choices. She said my lingering sadness about things is because I see the finality. I have grasped that it is over...and that I have had this sadness because it was senseless...not something that was needed because of anything I did...just stupid choices.

I never knew that when affairees have problems, that it will trigger sadness in the WS and lead to LB'ing in the affair relationship. That sadness is most likely acted out in another affair or displaced aggression.

I didn't get it. But now I do.

She said when the lingering sadness hits, let it hit. And tell myself why I am feeling it and that it is ok....and to then tell myself that I am healing...to verbally say it. Confirm it. She and I are talking also about my "runaway bride-ish" behavior in dating now. And she said it is based down in one thing...and I was shocked. She said it is because even she knows that deep deep down, I was not ready to let go of the "white picket fence" dream I had with darth. That when I am over it, I will let somebody into my heart. And she told me to keep more distance from darth so I can accomplish this. She said that darth's increased communication with me, kindness, niceness is part of his residual grief also...and that deep down he's not ready to let go of the picket fence either...and that he is clearly aware that there ain't no picket fence with his present affairee wifey, Family values.

Gosh I just want to heal more and move on more. One day at a time I guess...one day at a time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />