I now have literally just a few weeks left before I am officially D'd and I come to you all as trusted friends. See, I am a long time poster who is afraid enough of your repsonses that I use an alias to protect myself. Still, I long for an honest opinion or two.

See, I met someone. I wasn't looking, wasn't out for it but there it was. He is everything my ex-WH isn't. In fact, he was a BH too. He is kind and sweet and adores me. Says he loves me and wants only me. This is all wonderful but terrifying at the same time.

As a Christian I believe in one M and one spouse. Although my M vows are broken beyond repair I have still felt the need to uphold them to the bitter end, now I am not so sure. I have NEVER stepped outside my M, I have NEVER broken my vows. I was the betrayed one, and I gave it a valiant effort before being forced to face the truth.

Also, as a human, I am afraid of being hurt again. Afraid to let someone else into my heart only to end up down this road again. He swears he would never hurt me, but ex-WH said the same, once.

I guess I am confused. I am also excited as I am traveling on the high that accompanies a new relationship. I have been praying the the Lord would put someone in my path that would love me for me and no one else. Someone who has strong faith and convictions and who would treat me right. I just never expected to meet him before my D was final. Plus, as a bona-fide MB graduate I know what the right answer should be.

Please let me know what you think, but be gentle. I have been through ****** already and not sure how much more I can take.

Hurtin4ever - this has been discussed and discussed and you know what everyone is going to say - you are still married - it is adultery - well I will be one to say I am happy for you - it isn't often you find someone who loves you just the way you are. I found that - yes I was divorced but had he come into my life before I was I still would have dated him - he is everything I ever wanted in a man and I would never have taken the chance of losing him.

I still have my unsure moments - moments of will he hurt me like my ex did - why would he love me - because for years I was told I was nothing and that's exactly what I felt like. I get told all the time how happy I look - that it is so nice to see me smile. So I say if this man puts the same smile on your face then hang on for dear life.

h4E
Congratulations!! Your very first response and you got the validation you were looking for.
Your spouses saw the same thing when they took their respective paths also.
You were looking for it whether you admit it or not. Your actions around him gave you away.
This reminds me of the lyrics of a song"he says all the right thing at exactly the right time....."
If he is Mr. Wonderful he will wait.
HF if you have douibts about being hurt, you had much further to go before you entered into your relationship.
Ladies I am not beating up on you. I hope you have learned enough here to know right and wrong behavior. Learned enough about yourselves and learned enough about relationships.

Good luck with your trials in life.

BKarl,
You're right - I did give her validation and I would do it again. My problem is all the responses the soon to be divorced people get make them look like they are doing something as bad as the wayward spouses did and I do have a problem with that. She didn't have an affair that broke up her marriage - her soon to be ex did that. She didn't have an affair that destroyed lives - her soon to be ex did that. And maybe you're right - maybe she should wait until the divorce is final - just like her soon to be ex did. Right???

H4E,
I'm glad you found some happiness. IMHO I think you need to use some caution. You are close to final divorce it can be a very stressful & emotional time even if you think you are prepared for it. Take some time...go slow. Don't cause a whirlwind that could damage your future happiness. Mr. Right can wait, Mr. Right For Now won't. Go slow be fair to yourself...as a person who took her vows seriously, this D won't be easy for you.

God Bless

Whether you are married or not, you said you are a Christian...so here goes.

As a Christian, you are only allowed to have an intimate relationship with your husband, whomever that is. Not a boyfriend. Not a fiance. Only your husband.

Which means first of all, let this marriage end before engaging in any intimacy (not just sex...intimacy includes sex and anything other that only two married do together) with anyone else. If not...then you will be guilty of adultery.

Once divorced, please do not cross the line until you are married again. Do not have SF with anyone that is not your husband. You must have more respect for yourself than to allow that to happen. And if this guy is Mr. Right, then he will agree. If you do have sex, while unmarried, then yo uare guilty of fornication.

Both adultery and fornication carry stiff penalties with God. I wont go into all of that now, just suffice it to say that God says He will nto be mocked and that He means what He says.

Now, the good news!!

Your marriage is almost over and you can put all of this behind you. Once it is finished, yo ushould take a little while to decompress and let it all sink in (trust me, it hasnt all sunk in yet). Once the marriage is over, you can continue seeing this guy and dating, if you wish. And as you heal, maybe this thing will take off. But remember, no SF without an "I do."

As a Christian, you know how to do this right. Please do so. God WILL bless you if you follow Him and do His will.

If this works out with the new guy and you end up married to him, I wish you all of the best. And know that you will have a better grasp on this new marriage than you had on the old one.

So, please heed God's will and word. And go forward and look forward to your new life.

In His arms.

BKarl,
You aren't going to tell me that anyone who has been betrayed does not go into a new relationship with some doubts. I had a 25 year marriage - never thought he would hurt me the way he did - but he did. I have come a long way and having a few doubts does not stop me from being happy. Do you think if I had waited 10 years between reltionships that any doubts I had might be erased? I was 100% sure that my ex would never hurt me - look where that got me. But I am happy and loved!

Well since MortarMan took care of the Christian aspect, I'm going to look more at the personal aspect. This is actually a copied post of mine on the topic about a month ago.

My normal answer to this question is to wait. Many books say at year for every six years you were married. I also always say to take time to heal and grieve the loss of your marriage before venturing out into the dating world. Ohhh and I usually also say to wait until you're no longer lonely (i.e. needy) before venturing out.

But the fact is that there is no clear cut answers. I do believe that all that I mentioned above is best and provides the best opportunity for later dating success. I, myself, waited over 3 years. As I see it there are a couple of options:

1. Wait and do all these things as have been suggested.

2. Date with full knowledge that anyone you date is a "through-a-way". But still, have some fun while continueing to work through your issues because recognize them or not, nature will not let you forgo the grieving process.

3. Seriously date now. If you haven't taken time to heal issue's will arise. I will caution you that healing during a relationship is hard on you and your partner.

4. Substitute another partner for the emptiness left by the end of your marriage. This is the worst one, imho, and almost always leads to atleast one person getting their heart broken. And when that substitute falls by the wayside, guess what, now instead of only grieving the loss of your marriage, you are also left to grieve the loss of the new relationship.

One of the major reasons it is said to wait is because shortly after a break-up and until you've healed, typically you are not in a "healthy" mental state. Therefor, what you see as a healthy relationship is relative to where you are at in the healing process. So entering into what you believe to be a great relationship too soon, will be looked upon very differently as you continue through the process.

I've been on this site long enough to watch many people continue to hurt themselves and others by venturing out too early. I've heard people say "I'm in the heathiest relationship I've ever been in" when dating too early, which may be true, but again once they did heal and looked at that relationship through healthy eye's, they were amazed at what they were settling for....

Touche billy!

You can't turn this around.

Heal first. Sign the papers. Work on YOU. Heal some more.

Learn to love yourself. ..and how to be alone and like it! Jumping from frying pan into fire is not smart ok?

You've become a passive WS...and spinning the faith thing.

Tell this person, that you choose to honor your vows, shattered or not, and this is about faith and honor and heal ing...

That when the time is right, since this person is also a BS, that they will wait for you. If they don't then they're not made of the right stuff either.

If you love this person, then show them honor and love by waiting. Make this relationship something truly worth waiting for.

Give this person a healed DIVORCED WOMAN...a healthy person...ready to openly and publicly love them and honor them.

If you REALLY thought this was ok, WOULD YOU BE ASKING US THIS QUESTION HERE???

I THINK YOU KNOW THE PROPER ANSWER TO THIS.

I personally think you deserve to be happy. Just be careful! You know what's right for you...do what YOU think is the best thing for YOU.

Well, I dont think you should be scared to post under your usual user name...people have different opinions...This sounds all too familiar! I think it is great you ahve met someone...timing sometimes sucks...but we sometimes have to deal with what life gives us at times..if it is meant to be it will be as I have said before! If this man is willing, he will wait for you...I dont have a clue who you are, but I would not hide...I posted my sitch in the clear and open...if you cannot handle what people say here in cyber space, then maybe you should be doing anything at all! JMHO!

((Tree)) You hold a very common view and I’m not here to attack that view but only share my personal experience.

“””I personally think you deserve to be happy.”””

I think everyone deserves to be happy but happiness is an elusive object relative to where one’s place in life. But to take things a step further, when it comes to the relationship venue, I wish all ‘responsible’ happiness. I mean after all, weren’t most of WS’s seeking happiness and thinking they found it.

“””You know what's right for you. ..do what YOU think is the best thing for YOU.
”””

Do we always know what is right and best for us? I don’t think so. Again, I think that is relative to where one is at emotionally. I, personally, know a lot of people from these here boards who were trying to do what was right and best for them. I’ve taken their 2am crying phone calls when the obvious came full circle. Heck, I look at some of the people I expressed interest in early after divorce. I thought they would be good for me, OMG was I EVER WRONG. I’m quite sure in the emotional state that I was in that they would have been a step up from where I was coming from but once I truly finished grieving and became emotionally healthy, they would have been anchors that tied me down. I’m so thankful that I waited until I became healthy to date otherwise I’m quite sure I would have been on the fast track to my next broken heart.

To me the bottom line is that you can’t cheat nature. You are going to have to grieve and heal after your divorce. It’s my strong belief that if you choose to seriously date during that process that you will delay nature who will wait patiently and I would also challenge anyone’s ability to choose a healthy partner when they themselves are not healthy.