thanks Lost in the City,

Yes, this has been the major concern with WH and I, so we have put our marriage on the side burner because of this.

since WH deployment sons attitude did a 180. we've tried time-outs, positive re-inforcement, teaching him to talk about his emotions and not act out on them, tried teaching cause and effect ( like if he hits, acts out, he'll loose his computer privleges, etc.)

he was seeing a school counselor for about 2-3 months with me and she said hes got more issues than I thought, no help with the school,

I went to IC with him a family counselor and after the 3rd visit suggested a phyciatrist because non of our methods were working,

so here we are with a adolesent- child phyciatrist and they've been seeing him for 2 months now, ( and luckily they met WH and his thoughts/concerns during his leave) they've come to the conclusion that his depression may have triggered his bi-polar symptoms? I wasnt for meds but Im at a loss here, I cant say there is something i havent tried.

I took a loss in my pay with work cut my hours to spend more tim with my kids, DD is 6, and DS is 5. i know not having WH around impacted them so i took the cut in pay to show them that i will always make time to fill their needs. they know i love them very much , i dont have the same problems with DD ( she cries once in awhile for dad but shes okay plus cheerleading keeps her distracted).

i put DS in tee-ball he hated it! he would walk off the field and say its boring! now i put him in soccer more entertaining than tee-ball and some practices he'll throw himself on the field and say oh im tired , I cant keep him occupied enough to stop worrying about little things. he just gets mad about lil things and then turns things around that i dont love him, etc.

Im sorry i started to vent here, I am open to suggestions!

Venting is good!! Sounds like you have put your son first and foremost and that is exactly what you should be doing.

If he truly is bi-polar then that is a whole nother issue and one that your child psychologist can help you best with.

Have you or did you do anything with your children about their Dad's deployment? One of the things we did when ours were young was to make a paper chain of how many days Daddy would be gone and take one off each day, thus counting down the days to when he returns. You can do the same with a calendar marking off days. My kids drew pictures for Dad and wrote letters and we actually put them in the envelopes together, addressed them and mailed them. That way they can see that it is actually going to him.

He is young maybe he feels like Dad is not ever coming home. I would do something in the way of counting down days and also talk a lot to him about his feelings. Validate that it is ok to be sad. Cry with him if he cries. He seems intelligent so talk to him about acting out. That it is ok to be sad Dad is not home, but it is not ok to disrupt things. Even with my teenagers when Dad was deployed I would have to talk to them about their attitudes saying I understand that you are sad Dad is not home, but you can not take it out on me. We are a family, a team and we stick together.

Of course your son may very well need medication, but you can also try some of these things.

I feel for you. I know what you are going through. Take care and keep posting!

thanks LITC,

we did the calendar thing and it was great till he came back for leave. They got the sense that he is coming back and he is ok. We do Instant messaging so they get to see him on web cam, talk often, we made personal email address so when they want to write to him they can. the pictures are sent when i send care packages so it does help. I wont speak bad about dad to them because honestly he is a GREAT FATHER but a lousy HUSBAND! DS is counting down till X-mas and seems like an eternity but hopefully once school starts he can get distracted and say how many days till x-mas every other week than every day! I try my best to take walks to the park, go out for ice-cream ( this heat is killing me!) So, I think i havent failed in that field but its helping him control his impulse/aggression.

my WH did not explain to kids , why he was leaving or took time to be with them, ( he decided to spend time with OW more since they thought he was leaving and she wasnt) and I hate him for doing that now he relaizes he messed up! So, I didnt give him the chance to email her or chat with her while he was on his leave and it pissed her off! but she needs to understand that he needs to put his children first! ( i dont know why a OW would think she'd be superior to flesh and blood!) something ill never know i guess

but thank you again ! I just feel like no one understands me , his family doesnt help with the DS issue either .

Wh called and of course he always calls when he's gotta go or doesnt have much time. He spoke to the kids and thank god he didnt say anything hurtful to the kids. So the dont publicize our pregnancy issue didnt come up? he's going out on a mission and would probably be gone for over a wk. He told me to take care etc. It just baffles me that he continues to tell me he does love me, I look great etc. He did make a comment about the kids as being ours and that this will be our last baby. I guess he's just trying to keep me hanging on to him by a string.
UGh!

Okay, I know it has only been 4-5 months since D-Day, Ive been trying to do Plan A but not a great one, I havent fully exposed this A, I honeslty feel like giving up! I ask myself is it even worth it, everyday? I used to be able to look at my kids and laugh at the obvious answer and now, I still question it? I feel like I have no end in sight. I cant talk about our mariage to my own husband ,
1. i dont know if the A is over.
2. he doubts to even be with me one day and the other we're this great happy family.
3. he wont mention whats next - just gives me the lets take it one day at a time. Especially with my pregnancy he fears that it would upset me if we talked about us!


I just dont know what i should do anymore?

Oh update on son, He's been doing great at school so far!

Why??? You havent exposed, thus you havent done what you needed to do yet? If you had done everything you should have, then you could say you have done a lot and want to give up. So far, you are still letting things continue as they are. You are enabling him to continue. That is not Plan A. And without Plan A, there is no real Plan B.

There is no end in sight because you havent started the end.

Yes you do...you just wont do it.

That's great. I am glad to hear this.

In His arms.

Mortarman,

Would it be better if I speak to his chaplain instead of going to the command? If so, can you help me get the chaplain email address for the 729th TC. Again, I know if I dont do anything , I wont get anything in return.

Oh and update on the drugs/alcohol in the camp. Wh informed me that soldiers were just being careless and getting caught, so he told me dont worry about my drinking cuz all im on is H20! So, I do hope that wont feed onto his problems.
So you were right it was bound to happen everything coming down on him/unit .

thanks again, Mortarman!

I know...I have been there. This stuff does not stay quiet for long!!

The chaplain will not be able to help the situation now if something gets to the command from another soldier, the IG, etc. He is living dangerously that all this stuff is not going to catch up with him. So what that he is on H2O now...all it will take is a few guys get causght, and then start squealing that your husband was doing it too. The ONLY way to protect himself is to hide his head and hope it wont happen, or go to the command and admit it. If he does, he will be sent to a rehab deal rather than be prosecuted. But if he gets caught...he's done.

Same goes with this adultery stuff.

ShouldI, you are going to have to tell your husband what I have said here. Tell him he is living dangerously. If the drugs and affair are over, then he needs to protect himself and you by going straight to his commander and telling him. If it isnt over, then you tell your husband that you will be the one to tell the commander.

So, he has a choice. tell the commander himself, or you tell him.

Or both of you keep sticking your head in the sand.

Yes I am wielding a huge 2x4 here, ShouldI. I was an IG. I KNOW what is going to happen to your husband if he doesnt wise up. They ALL think they will get away with it. The thing is, they almost never do.

You want to protect your husband, your marriage? You had best sit that man down and tell him that he has to stand up, reach down and grab a pair, and be the man of the house. Or, if he wont...you will!

If there are already people being busted for drugs over there, then it is a matter of days, maybe weeks, before this blows up in his face. Same goes for the adultery. IGs are not stupid. We are trained to find the truth, and we can smell it when we think there is more to the story. We are also very good at getting people to give us the truth.

So, please do not mess around anymore. He MUSt go to his command if he doesnt want to end up busted o nthe drug issue. And he must go to his command if he doesnt want to be busted for adultery (and if you want to save your marriage).

Otherwise, I have to think he will continue to hide, probably continue to see OW behind your back...and things will blow up real soon.

Sorry to be so negative, but I have been there and seen it.

In His arms.

I did give him the ultimatum and he came back with "its over im not with her anymore" we deceided to end it!

So what do I have left to do, He wont go to command and be a man so I am!

I was just wondering if i go to his cahplain and give him the 411 , Im sure he'd confront WH, wouldnt that put a fire under him? and maybe Wh would admit to the affair himself? Question, with their unit coming home sometime in Nov would they really move him to another? I do know OW and him go on missions together etc, how can he not be around her if he has too, OH by the way I found lovely pictures of WH declaring his love to OW , with spray painting destroyed army vehicles, nice one !

Not really. Maybe it would. But your hubby will probably just tell the chaplain what he has been telling you.

You know, if he says its over, then you must tell him that if he doesnt go to the commander and advise him of it, then if OW gets POed, or someone else who knows gets POed...it wont matter if they had ended it. The only way to save himself is if the commander finds out from him.

Like I said, you can do nothing. You can tell him this stuff and tell him this former IG said he is running on thin ice (even if he isnt in adultery or using drugs anymore) and that he had best own up to this pretty quick. Or you can do it yourself.

Something has to change because he isnt back until December, and I'd be surprised if he makes it until Halloween before he is discovered.

In His arms.

Okay, what do I do if WH will not go to CO and admit to the A , etc. ( which i doubt he will)

Where do I go from there? were you able to get his Co's info for me, I know a few months ago , you said you were able to help me but I havent received any info as of yet,
I know I need to do this cuz he wont. When I do email the CO what exactly am I supposed to say?

I'll get that info for you. Try to have it by tomorrow, okay?

Tell the CO what you say here. That your husband has been involved in an affair, you are not sure if it is continuing. You are now pregnant, and want to save your marriage. And you need to make sure that the Army keeps those two apart.

But again, this should not be a surprise to your hubby. Tell him he needs to do this and prove to you he has done it. If he doesnt, then you let him know that you will have to do this in order to protect him and your family.

Do you have a family support group contact?? Usually you can get the info you need and get ahold of the commander much faster thru the FSG.

So, let me know. But, I would encourage you not to back down, to come out and tell your husband what I have told you here...and how dangerous things are for you right now. All of your family. And that if he wont do the right thing, and if he cant prove that he has done the right thing...then you will. This is not an LB...it is doing what is right.

So, let me know.

In His arms.

Last time I spoke to FRG, they gave me an email address to another soldier not even from the same unit and he encouraged me to speak to my WH first before going to the extreme of talking to his CO

WH has given me some email address when he was deployed to his SSGT, should I speak to them?

WH is still on missions and Im not sure if I should just contact the CO instead of giving him the chance to do so. I know WH has alot of influence and is looked to for alot in his unit and is good friends with his superiors (should that have an impact on any of his situation), I thinking thats what he's fearing. But I know he wont admit to his mistakes, its always been an issue, in his mind he's never wrong.

I need to finally get my courage up and just finally do IT, Im not afraid of him just the outcome, but your right, even if it destroys my marriage I will know I didnt sit back and do nothing.

Actually, with what you jsut said, I would change my advice a little.

Talk to your husband and tell him he must report this all to the commander and the commander must contact you in order to let you know that he did it.

OR....

You will contact the IG. Sounds to me like this unit may have the good ole boy network, and whatever you report might get whitewashed. It wont be whitewashed with the IG.

I think that is a better way.

Look, unless your husband fesses up, he is gonna get caught. Count on that. The odds are not in his favor, nor yours. Only if he does what he should will things turn out right.

It is better that you report him (if he wont do it himself) than the command find out themselves. And it is better for your marriage if you can insure NOW that the OW is gone. If they are still in contact, by being ordered to have NC, they will have to go into withdrawal for several months. This is GOOD!

So, I think for you to contact the commander may not get the dsired results. So, contact hubby when he gets back, tell him the deal and WHY you want him to go to the commander. If he balks, or wont prove that he went to the CO...then contact the IG (which I have the number for).

In His arms.

I finally heard from WH - he got back safely from his misison.

we talked about the kids- him coming back what his plans were.

I asked how things ended with OW - he said yes I ended it but we still talk, she wants more than friends but he doesnt not unitl he gets back states- tries to work things out with (me) and if not then i guess try things with her.
He hasnt told her about our pregnancy ( so that was the reason he didnt want anyone to find out) He doesnt know how she'll take it, hes afraid. ( I told him to be honest, why hide a blessing that was given to us) He said he was going to tell her and not hide it from her anymore. He still want s to try and make us work not just for us but for the kids also.

so he did not go to Co and confess, what next?

That's good.


Cake eating!! Not allowed here. We are still at exposing this, ShouldI. I take it by this post that you did not tell him that he had to go to the command and tell them what is up...and that he had to write a NC letter to the OW and have NC with her? Without that, then you both are being strung along while he decides. And with that option, he'll just play things off. He wont need to decide, he'll just bounce back and forth. When things get bad with you, he'll run to her. While you have the opportunity, you must shut down their relationship. But I keep saying that, dont I? I am being hard on you, but you need to do this. Wanna just send to the IG or commander? Okay. But I thought you wanted to give your hubby a chance to do the right thing? So, if you want to contact the commander directly, then use the same address as your husband, but instead of his name, write: "Commander, Company ?(put in whatever compnay he is), 729th TC." And then put the rest in their APO and stuff. Send the letter. But I again would ask you to contact your husband one more time and tell him that is is unacceptable for them to remain friends, that he must have NC and he must go to the command to protect himself and you. That you also want the command to keep the two of them apart. If he balks at it, then you send the letter to the commander, and a Plan B letter to your husband...and you go dark.

There is nothing next. He hasnt done the first thing. He hasnt ended his relationship with the OW. he hasnt protected himself and you by going to the commander about his adultery and drug use. So, there is no "next." You are stuck right where you are until he gets back, when things will most probably blow up as he continues to remain in contact with her. But then, you wont have the military to separate them anymore.

So, ShouldI...what's next is up to you. Right now, all yo uare going to get is more of the same.

In His arms.

well i did email WH and told him to finally come clean before things get worse. OW will be Po'ed once she finds out i am pregnant and maybe make his situation worse.

I will start to write the letter to the CO because honeslty I dont think he will. What about email, wouldnt that be easier?

Again thank you for all your help

I never got a response from WH about coming clean with CO. I know he read the email but he didnt respond to it. He's been texting to check up on how we are and that he's ok.

He IM my sister in law on friday night - he confirmed to SIL that he ended the A with OW and that he left it as friends but that he hates it because he hears/deals with all her problems and its driving him crazy!

SIL is involved with a married man and WH gave her the advice to get her act together leave married man ( a friend of ours) that regardless how their relationship is MM will always go to his wife for comfort because thats who he loves and he wont leave his family. ( of course my SIL was upset she was hoping for a different response but WH told her thats just reality and she has to accept it) WH also told her that he needs to talk with her, he has alot on his mind but when he has time he will- Good thing SIL told me about their conversation- I didnt ask, she volunteered, oh and I guess the fact that they hate OW is a plus!

I havent had time to write the letter to CO. Ive had company my best friend from TX came down for the wknd. I spent the weekend in Santa Cruz boardwalk with my kids and it was great to just get away for awhile.

I wont hear from WH - out on missions

Mortarman- Should I still wait till WH tells me if he will go to his CO or just finally do it myself?

I just feel like the'll just sweep me under the rug or tell me something to shut up and do nothing !

I think you confront him. When he gets back for his mission, then confront. Dont accuse, dont blow up. Just ask if he has done it yet, tell him that you will not be able to move forward until he does and that in order to protect your family, that he must do this immediately (and prove that he has done it) or you will have to report it.

Is it possible that you guys skate thru without the command finding out about his adultery and drug use? Sure. But a HUGE risk to be taking those chances, when if he would just report it to the CO, then it would be all behind you.

And on the OW...until he has ended all contact with her, he is still in an affair. Your marriage is in big trouble until that has ended. The military can end it for you. But you are going to have to step up and do the work. And the first thing to do is to confront your husband. Put it on the line. He is to do the right thing, or you will.

Then keep Plan Aing, keep working on you and telling him what you want out of this marriage.

In His arms.