my wh came by the house this morning while Im at work to give the kids their allowences- My daughter says he looked all aroung the house and in the fridge, asked her Your mom bought all this stuff in here- mY d said no My friends bought this for us (these are 18 and 19 years olds who i was so surprised when they did it i cried meat, groceries, cerel , juice, dog food for the dogs) she said he looked in the basement where my 13 year old moved all of his stuff down and made it his room and said who's idea was this- my d said ours! Who helped - they said we did. He then went up to see my 10 yearsold room and said the same.
Then he said oh it looks like you all are doing good. My D said we are doing what we need to survive. She said my h just looked and said he would be back with Lunch for them .
My 13 year old said to my D- he should have thought about things before he left.
What do I do? What is my H doing? What do I say to the kids- I was so surprised with what all of these kids did for us.

bump up

WSes must be following a script.

My FWH used to do this. I learned that he was grounding himself in REALITY after living in a FANTASY WORLD with the OW. You are not going to find LOGIC in what he is doing. He is drug crazed, living in an ALIEN world.

Actually it's a GOOD THING, Winter, in the LONG RUN...

This is all a process....

Sounds to me like you have wonderful kids. Count your blessings Winter, for it appears you have many. Focus upon the blessings in your life and not what is missing. That will enable the strength you have within yourself.

thanks guys-
Mimi- what do you mean in the long run- good thing? is the fog starting to lift or?

This was a very good thing. Your husband has made the choice to leave this wonderful family. All of your efforts can be toward maintaining the family. He can choose to live an empty life with the homewrecker, or not. But it is very good to let him see that things will go on even without him.

He is far from admitting that he has a drug problem but is getting the sense that he is "out of control". He will need to hit his bottom, though, before coming out of the "fog".

You are getting a glimpse of the value of PLAN B. I know. You may not want to hear this. I didn't. However, with PLAN B he will not be able to get this relief that coming to your house offers. He will have to stay in his FANTASY, drug-crazed environment 24/7.

Make sense?

i think- hes not ready to come back /but sees us moving on?Its making him start to think that life is not stopping for him?
What do I say to the kids besides thanks and grateful- but the shouldnt worry we will make it?
They are trying so hard and have been so loveable to me. even when I can barely get up a few mornings.

Winter:

This is my view of the mind of the WS based on my reading and personal experience. Not saying this is true for all..

If your WH is like mine was, though, it will not be helpful for you to use LOGIC or REASONING to help you understand what he is doing. He may come by your house for many different reasons. It's difficult to determine and understand the reasons for their behavior.

However, I bet you can be sure of this... It was MOSTLY if not ALL about HIM. He came to visit for HIMSELF..not necessarily to see if you were moving on, not necessarily to check on the well-being of his children. Right now, he is SELF-CENTERED and NARCISSISTIC, caring mostly about himself and continuing his DRUG SUPPLY with the OW. He wanted to take whatever he could from there to use in his mind to JUSTIFY CONTINUATION OF HIS AFFAIR.

What helped me, Winter, was to eventually accept that my H was LOST, GONE, and OUT OF CONTROL...

What helped me was to focus on getting my OWN THINKING in check..

Let your children know that you will take care of them.. that their Dad is LOST and SICK, not HIMSELF.....

your right mimi- It took a year for your spouse to come back from space?Did he move in with her also? Im 41 he's 42- ow is 50 w/ grown daughter of 18 and also married (seperated - she says) and has had affair w/ husbands supervisor and his brother- but they didnt leave their family- is that sick or what?

Winter:

I'm sorry that I don't have much time this afternoon.

I will keep check on your situation, though.

Yes, my H did move in with the OW after a LTA.

Time and patience are on your side.

Develop your PLANS. He has no PLAN.

He was here when I got home from work- he was asleep in the basement on my sons small bed. I woke him up and he said he had a bad headache and that my son had said dad stay and lay down here. When he got up to leave, I told him that he needed to make arraingments for the weekend as I had plans, and that I will not be in until late. He was like ok. Then he asked me if I wanted a cell phone because he had to get a new one.
My daughter says when she looked out the window this morning he sat in the car in front of the house in his car for a long time. he didnt come in - when she finally went downstairs he just said oh I was suppose to go to work but ill take the boys out for the day.
Why would he not come in?
I checked his cell phone while he was asleep- the ow called about 10x and he looked at it and tossed it in the backseat? Is any of this a good thing? or is it just bs

He is feeling your family's withdrawal from him. Even his children are giving him the cold shoulder. They should. They should give the cold shoulder to the WS. It is their real dad they miss not the WS.

I think he knows it. The OW will start to panic as she loses her grip. He w/b confused and that w/b all to your benefit whether if you want him back or not.

L.

thanks for the support- the kids have been great- and i didnt realize my kids had so omany people that cared. A good friend of my daughter spent the whole day with her yesterday just talking to her about what is going on and feelings.
Then 2 came yesterday to see and spend time with me....I even bought chinese food and we just talked and watched the videos we rented.
please continue to pray for my family and to give me the strength to make the right decisions for us.

Are you in PLAN A? If so, it might have been a good idea to ask him to stay. Not a good idea to tell him you had plans for the weekend.

Would have been great, I think, to ask him to spend time with YOU.

He said he had to go- his cell started going off and I had checked while he was asleep - she called 10x- I want him to stay- I have so much love to give and want to work thru this but he wont step forward.
I keep seeing them in my mind doing what we use to do. He holding her at night not me. He tells me they arent doing anything (right) I want to give him the wedding rings back- but i dont know if it will do more harm than good.
I wish the pain would stop and I could be hard and cold and just not cARE AND move on.
Why cant he see me right here?

He is addicted. Please continue to wear your wedding rings - you are still married.

Keep working on yourself, and taking care of your family. I remember the days of despair stretching into weeks. But I promise you it will get much better. Either he will return to the marriage (the most common thing), or you will lose your feelings for him and then it will be easy.

should I call the ow and tell her to back off? He tells me yesterday - she is giving him space to make a decision and I should do the same- then he says he watched the Oprah show about the cheating husbands and knows when he sees me all he sees is hurt.
I sad those couples are working on their marraige- but he says that they love each other and he dosent feel the same for me.
Everytime I hear that it is a knife in my heart. This is not the man I married and loved.
He says when he talks to me it starts out nice and ends up with me mad- how should I feel- when I have love and he pushes me away or tells me MY feelings havent changed- but you never know.
He should be feeling pain- this should be reversed so that he is begging me for forgiveness and following behind me- not like this.
She is winning and I feel so low and alone.

Im trying to do plan a- I spoke to him last nite and he is still telling me that is feelings for me have not changed- he needs space- that is what the other woman is doing for him_ (when do they have time since he is living with her- he tells me they are not having sex because she wants to be sure he is not on the rebound) How twisted is that?
Should I call her and say - let him go- that I love him and we need to work on this marraige-
It hurts mu heart so much that when he says he does not love me anymore it is a knife in my back and heart.
How do I know if this is all ofor not?
i remember the man I married and this is not him.

Stick to your PLAN A. TIME AND PATIENCE. I don't have much time today. Just want to make sure to encourage you NOT TO CALL THE OW...

I will be getting back with you later, Winter...