LittleBob,

Continued contact after D-Day and even after promise upon promise of NC is very normal. Exxpect it. Probably going on even now.

After D-Day 1, FWW promised NC on her bible in front of witnesses (her idea, too). She cried tears. She promised NC to me, IC and MC more than once.

So I believed her.

She was in continuous contact the whole time.

And just like GBH, FWW said she would divorce me if I contacted OM or his wife.

I believed her in that too. So I didn't.

Her affair continued unabated another 5 years.

It does not matter one whit what any WW on the planet says (especially ones like GBH) about anything whatsoever. In fact, BS should usually do just the opposite of what they say.

I have learned the hard way that it's always best to cut your losses. After D-Day you are totally entitled to do what is best for you. Period.

And IMO, you can decide to end the M even years after D-Day if it isn’t working for you any more. Especially if you don’t trust her any more. Who in their right mind, except a broken in spirit BS, willingly lives the rest of their life with an untrustworthy adulterer?


In case you can't tell, I'm still kind of stewing about the outrageous entitlement GBH posted earlier.


Oh, and I heard, "Don't worry." a lot.

Bottom line WS's made the rules of the M without the input of the BS during the A. The BS wasn't even invited to vote. If a WS truly wants to save the marriage then they should do whatever the BS needs to heal. If they have to wear a red A in public and confess with a loud speaker...then so be it. That is small pentinance for the pain they cause.

I would give my left nut to of had a chance to expose my FWW A like LittleBob. Good job man....might have to steal your story for my obsessive revenge fantasies.

LittleBob,

Let me also tell you not to worry.

Expect it.

Then you won't need to worry. LOL.

Am I reading this right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> did you expose at her work by hiring a singing telagram? Someone, please tell me I'm misunderstanding this. If I am infact reading this right I don;t think I've ever heard of a bigger LB. She's still with you????

Exposure has ONE purpose - To end the affair when it can't be done through any other means. Any other excuse can only really only be called humiliation. She should have been given the oppourtunity to go NC without exposure.


To answer your question - your right, trust must be earned. Words are not enough, action is the key.

"Exposure has ONE purpose - To end the affair when it can't be done through any other means. Any other excuse can only really only be called humiliation. She should have been given the opportunity to go NC without exposure."

I couldn't disagree more.

If OP has a BS or an SO they are to be told ASAP, with the proof, no matter what. It’s their inalienable right to choose their own life circumstances.

Well, OK, not if they are a hit man for the mob or something.

You should know GBH before you make comments like that young pup!



This kinda [email]cr@p[/email] is why I'm begining to hate these boards



Mean, disrespecful and uncalled for. Why not take the time to read her post and give it some thought this time?

If GBH is different from what her post conveys, very good. I hope she is, in fact.

But what she wrote is what she wrote.

And I will own my response.

The FACT is you are wrong youngin, You see, my wife exposed before my A before she even told me she knew. Steve Harley himself said she made a mistake (an understandable one, but none the less a mistake). He went on to explain the reasons for exposure. May I suggest you educate yourself bby reading more than these boards before you comment.

p.s. I'm NOT talking exposure to OP's spouse. Thats a personal choice. I believe (and I'm right) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> the context of the thread is total exposure.

PS: I was told to expose immediately prior to confronting WW with proof. And to carry the proof it to OMM’s wife, immediately.

I was told not to wait for NC to be promised. OMM’s wife had an immediate right to know.

Immideate!

Here, here Racer!!! I have known GBH for a long time now & she is anything but egostistical. She is trying her very best to make herself trustworthy again. I do not believe that FWS' need to carry this big red A as someone so eloquently put it in order for the whole world to know that they committed this heinous act. When someone has confessed their acts & trying to make changes in their life, that should be acknowledged.

GBH did not say that she didn't agree w/exposure to the OP's S. She disagreed w/the fact of the exposure to the entire family on a HOLIDAY. Very big difference IMO.

Aphelion, when you said that you are lower than low that was a personal attack & I don't believe warranted. Do you honestly feel that this A should hang over the FWS head the rest of their lives? Do you feel that when people look at a FWS that they should have a blinking light telling everyone that they are an adulterer? That's what it sounds like to me.

I know many FWS' besides by H & they are some of the sweetest people I have ever met & are truly changing to make their M's better than ever & have actually learned from their horrid behavior. It sounds a lot to me like you feel once a cheater always a cheater.

WTF? Did you even read my post?

EDITED TO SAY: I read your post before you edited, only sad I forgot to quote so you couldn't hide what you said.

****************edit*************

I claim my right to handle it the best way I could. Mistake? Maybe. But it would not have worked for me any other way.

FWW's 10 year long LTA removed all her choices in the matter at the time.

I got to decide from that point on. I was taking the wheel for a while.

And I would do it again. No more doormat. I get to choose now! Not you, not GBH *****EDIT*****

Little Bob, I'm sorry for the circumstances that cause you to be here. No one deserves it and it's brutally unfair.

Frankly, worry is a natural consequence of what your W did to you and she shouldn't ever say that to you. That's right up there with "get over it." It's a way of trying to support you, without providing any hard, concrete help. Whatever your concern is, she should answer with more detailed responses. And back up words with action.

I hope you can tell her that and stand firm on the boundary there. She may just need to know why you feel this way and that you are requesting change. Maybe, maybe not. Regardless, don't stand for it, ok?

Regarding the discussion on exposure:
As far as exposure goes, I can tell you that my H has never exposed my A to family, friends or my work. After D-day he did a terrific Plan A and brought me home. I respect him more than I can express, for that very reason and many many others.

The few people who do know about what happened, have made us seriously regret telling them. My BH wishes they didn't know. So, exposure MAY be necessary to break apart the affair partners, but having that information out there isn't necessarily a healthy thing for a BS or the M. It may feel good to have that revenge at the time...but think about how it's going to feel later at family gatherings and work parties when you've repaired the marriage?

Even without exposure, I was never in contact with OM, neither calling or seeing him again. So, I guess I'm living proof that exposure isn't necessary right out of the shoot.

Revenge and humiliation probably would have driven US (and no, it isn't all about me) farther away, and not brought us closer. I am 50% of the marriage and could have left. He also had the option. We chose to stay together through mutual respect.

There's certainly no halo on my head - I did a horrible, horrible thing and I am deeply ashamed of my actions. I just don't agree that humiliation and exposure are always the recourse to bring a marriage back together.
GS

"I read your post before you edited, only sad I forgot to quote so you couldn't hide what you said."

I edited it immediately because as soon as I typed it I decided not to say it. I type too fast.

But, I will accept what your said: I would rather live and die alone than live with a WS. A truly remorseful FWW, OK. But definitely not with one that sounds like you or GBH.

And I repeat, I can only take away what GBH wrote in her post. It was not remorseful. It was all about her.

And now you are telling me my wife’s LTA was my fault. Well, so does she. Just another FWS.

I can never figure out why some people think the spouse of the OP should not be told what was going on. It just boggles my mind. My WH's affair went 6 months before I figured it out. I noticed something was wrong and tried to speak with him about it. His answer was that he promised that things would get better.

By the way, we worked together, and our fellow workers knew. My step kids knew. His sister and brother knew.Some of our neighbors knew. I was practically the only one that didn't know.

So we continued having SF without protection. After all, we were married, and I should have been safe being monogamous. After D-day, I discovered that OW had SF with several other men besides my WH, just while her husband was deployed. She also had a history of cheating during his previous deployments.

The end result is that although I have been completely monogamous for the last 15 years, in theory I have had sex with my WH, the OW, the OW's husband, any women that he may have been with, the other men that OW was with, any of their partners, etc, etc, etc.

You might think of it as being a gang bang.

Thank you Justuss!

Damn Aphelion....

FBS here...just to make that clear...

MB boards are for healing for BOTH FBS and FWS...

Its a wonder ANY FWS bothers to post here when they are attacked on a personal level.

You dont know GBH..I do.. she is my friend...

Shes a human being who did a human thing, she made an unwise choice in having an A.. I know she is hurting too, just as a FBS does too. Just differently.

Your anger and resentment should me directed at in IC or in your M, NOT lashing out at every FWS that dares to speak their mind.

My W posts here too, as do some dear friends...if I would have exposed the A in the disrespectful way LB did?!?!

What would I have gained? Probably the dissolution of my M or two extra years of repairing the damage done.

I welcome the FWW opinion on this board, it helps me to learn and understand how and why this common event happens in a M.

YOu would rather take verbal potshots at FWS who are working on restoring their M, then put that energy into working on your own M.


sheesh Aphelion...

beavis "are you threatening me?"

Just to be clear, in my case, the FOM's W already knew, so exposure wasn't necessary. Exposure to the BS's are necessary IMO and certainly their right to know.

Exposure to the entire family on Christmas Day and via singing telegrams at work is a whole different story under discussion.

Just had to say that GBH is one cool friend and Aphelion, IMO your anger is misplaced.

But you can get as worked up as you want, I suppose, but that says a lot more about you than it does about GBH.

Your reaction to GBH or Racer or anyone else speaks volumes about where you are coming from NOT where they are coming from.


Tiggy