After 7 years of dating and only 1 year, 9 months of marriage, my husband left. He broke down and told me he was having an affair with another woman. Turns out it had been going on for 5 months. He said he loves her and moved out of our apartment the very next day after telling me and moved into her apartment. He didn't tell me why he couldn't be with me any more- just left. Didn't even give me a chance to figure out what was going on. He doesn't come see me or call me unless I call him first. Before I found out about the affair, I knew he was acting strange and asked him if he still loved me. He said he loved me so much there were no words to describe it.

Now he acts as if I don't exist. It has been 3 weeks since he left and he wants a divorce. I haven't even completely realized what has happened yet. When I start processing it in my mind, I just want to end my life. I really don't know how I can go on. I guess I'm crazy for still loving him.

I haven't slept much at all for 3 weeks and am having a very difficult time running my business which is my only source of a very small income. I started my business 2 months after he started the affair. If I had known my marriage was in jeopardy, I never would have started it. Now I have a huge debt and feel like my life might as well be over.

I don't understand what is happening. We just got married! He was always so kind and sweet - a truely good person. He is suddenly so different. Has anyone been left like this? Is there any hope? I don't feel like I can get through this.

Yes, you can get through this. Saturday nights and Sundays are slow here on the board, so keep posting and reading and more people will come forward to help you.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But we all have,that's why we are here.

Have you read the articles on this web site? It is possible to save your marriage, but it will be hard work. I will give you some assignments now, so pay attention. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1. Read the articles on this web site. Not just the discussion groups, but the articles.

2. Go to the bookstore and buy two books - "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and "His Needs, Her Needs" also by Harley. If you can't find them at your local bookstore, click on 'bookstore' at the top of this page and order them from there.

3. Monday morning make an appointment with your doctor and tell him what is going on in your life. Ask for antidepressants to help you calm down, focus, and take control of the situation. Your mention of ending your life is a huge red flag for me, and you need help from your doctor to get through this.

4. What do you know about the other woman? (OW) Is she married? If she is, call her husband. Tell him everything. He deserves to know. If she is not married, find out who her parents are and call them. This is called exposure. Do it. Don't wait like I did. Do it immediately. It is very scary, but when you have done it, you will feel so much better - in control. You have to muddy the water. Make trouble for them. There is much information in SAA (Surviving An Affair) regarding this. If you need to, find a counselor. Or call the counseling center at the top of the page, and make an appointment to talk to one of the Harleys. You will be amazed how much they can help you.

Remember, you haven't done anything wrong. This is not your fault. He chose to have the affair. He owns this. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head high.
Expose them both. Call his parents, and tell them what is happening. Call his brothers and sisters, and call his friends. Call his boss. Whatever and whoever you think can put pressure on them.

You need to read, read, read. Counsel if you can. See your doctor immediately. And keep posting here. OK?

Sorry you find the need to be here, but this is a place that can help you move forward, instead of being paralyzed by shock, fear and pain.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Until you get the book, go to the home page and start reading about the Marriage Builder's philosophy. It will give you a head start of figuring out how to make a difference in what happens with your marriage now.

Keep reading and posting, and folks here will help you do what needs to be done. It's a great forum, and you'll experience a great deal of personal growth, whether your marriage survives, or not.

Best wishes,
SD

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. Most of us thought that we would never get through this, but we did. Luckily you have found us very early, and that is very good.

Try not to take your husband's actions personally. Most wandering spouses act the exact same way. He is so "addicted" that he just has forgotten about you, but that is very, very common.

Read up about Plan A here, and start there. And have some hope, because the statistics are in your favor. Most come back to the marriage.

If you are having a horrible time coping, talk to your doc about some anti-D's. They really help.

I've been reading all the articles for the past week. I think I've read absolutely everything on this site. I already ordered the books you mentioned off the internet yesterday and am just waiting for them to arrive. I called my doctor 2 weeks ago but she is out of the country until the first week of September. I have absolutely no money to pay for counseling but went to see a priest a few days ago (even though I;m no longer Catholic). He pretty much said that I need to move on and divorce may be the only option because my WH is showing no interest in me or our marriage. The priest is now out of the country for 3 weeks.

My husband called his mother himself the day after he told me about the affair and told her what he had done. He left out some of the details but I filled her in when I called her a week later. None of his family lives in town and most of them, including his parents, live in another country (where, unfortunately, affairs are very common). His mother doesn't speak English so I have used whoever I can scrounge up to translate for me. I called and told a brother and a sister of his who do speak English but I don't hink they are getting involved even though they say they adore me and don't know why he is doing this to me.

The OW is also from his country and her family does not live in the states as far as I know. She is not married but has 2 children. The father of her children had an affair and left her last year. She works at my WS restaurant with him. I think the people at his work already know and probably don't care. Half the guys at the restaurant are having affairs of their own (which, just last year my WH told me disgusted him!).

I know it has only been 3 weeks but I don't understand why he is so sure he cannot be with me. He won't even see me. How can I do the Plan A and show him I'm taking care of myself and moving on if he will never see it? Could he be doing this out of anger because so many people now know about it? Even if he decided he wanted to come back, I don't think he would out of shame and embarassment.

We filled out the divorce information with an online service since we cannot afford lawyers. The papers arrived in the mail yesterday and are ready to be signed and sent to the courts. I can't get myself to sign them. I left a message on his cell phone tonight letting them know they arrived.

Has any WS returned after this kind of departure? Even if he does, I can't get over the fact that he is now such a different person than he was just a few months ago.

I really don't think I could end my life because I could not do that to my family. I don't have children but am very close to my parents and brother and sister. They are supporting me but the pain is still so unbearable.

Should I contact my WS at all or just hope that one day he will contact me? I have a hard time remaining strong when I talk to him- I always end up in tears and begging him to give us a chance and I know those are the wrong things to do. I just can't figure out what to say or do to get his attention.

I read all about Plan A and B but I don't get how I can do Plan A if he isn't around to see it. In most of the posts/articles I've read the WS at least sticks around for awhile after DD. Mine is completely gone! If he does call me back about the divorce papers, I don't know what to say to him.

2o, A will end. It takes time and external pressures. Chasing him right now is futile as you already try. Do you have a way of stalling this DV ?. In CA we have to wait 6 months.

Do you think you are strong enough to talk to OW ? as woman to woman ?. At the same time, match up her story w/ your real situation.

Do you have a close family to talk to ?

-rh-

I went to the OW apartment the week he moved out at a time when he wasn't there. I was very respectful of her. I took photos of our wedding, vacations and he with me and my family- one photo for every year we were together. I did that because she had told me our marriage wasn't "real" and he had been unhappy with me for such a long time. I just told her to take a look at them so she could see we really were happy together for a long time before he met her. I asked her why she wanted to be with him when he was guilty of doing the same thing her ex did to her. My WH apparantly hadn't told her he was married- she said she found out from a co-worker 3 months into the affair. She said she loves him and he is completely honest with her even if he isn't with me. I asked her to think of her children and the situation she is putting them in as well. She didn't seem to care although seeing the photos made her shed a few tears.

As far as the divorce, nothing has been officially filed. When it is filed, there is only a 30 day waiting period. I can refuse to give him the papers to sign for now. He'll get mad because I made him pay for the divorce preparation.

I have close family but they don't understand why I am holding on. Divorce is very uncommon in my close and extended family. They are very angry he hurt me. My mom is trying to be very understanding. I told her about all the information I have been reading. She wants to know if it would help for her to talk to him. He is very ashamed of hurting my family and respects my mother but is too embarrased to face her. Should I have her approach him or would that just push him away more?

Make sure you get financial support. The OW will try to use him for his $$. That is probably the only reason she is after him. So that info c/b to your advantage.

Now read up when you get your books. Be patient. I know it is hard. Keep a journal to keep busy. It w/b helpful later.

SEcure your finances as best you can. Expect the OW to want to dip into your share of the family income. OWs are very greedy aliens. Yep she is a separate specie. LOL!!!

Pray for a clear mind and calm heart. You are going to need it to move forward. I didn't say give up on your M. Your H is very confused and will probably regret his actions. Some WS even forget 1/2 the crap they have done to their family. I just reminded mine this morning of some of the stupid things he did. He says he can't believe he was sooo dumb but knows I am telling the truth. See?

Is there hope? There is. Just takes a while....a long while in some cases.

take care,
L.

Thank you, Orchid.

How long did it take in your case for him to return?

I'm finally getting tired enough to try to sleep so I'll be signing off soon.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I'm feeling better knowing so many people understand what I am going through and are generous enough with their time and hearts to reach out to me. I never could have dreamed of being in this situation and need all the help I can get- a feeling it seems everyone else here has had.

d/d Nov 2000. A began Aug 2000 (near our 10th anniversary). Last contact was in court Sept 2003. Last time he was with her Aug 2003. Her last contact to me (via e-mail), August 2003 while I was on vacation visiting my parents. ARrgh.


L.

You did a very good job talking with OW, I would not be so kind. Have you asked her what he told her ?. This is to gain insight info and compare notes.

If you want to have a chance at your M ... you have to stall it with whatever reasons you culd come up with. How is the financial agreement ? are you protected ?

Tell your mom it is up to her and whatever she needs to do as a mom and MIL.

2o, the goal in here is trying to get him the taste of OW and her kids. I won't chase him yet I won't cut the ties either (.aka. plan B). Be supportive to him ... read SAA.

-rh-

I will definitely stall the divorce. I'm not ready to give up yet. After a very hard night, I felt myself moving into a new stage this morning...self-improvement. I've realized that there are a lot of things about myself I am unhappy with and have been for a long time. I tend to want to take care of other people and try to control everything around me so that I don't have to face my own issues. I'm realizing that I have to face my issues and be happy with myself before I can be in a successful relationship.

I won't chase him anymore. I need this time for myself now anyway. At least that is how I'm feeling at this moment. This roller coaster of emotions is driving me crazy. I'm not sure how to keep from cutting the ties. I never see him or talk to him. There's no way we would accidentally cross paths. He's living in a different part of town and I never really spent much time at his restaurant before the seperation so it would be odd for me to be seen there now. I want to be supportive and show that I am able to start meeting his emotional needs I realize I wasn't meeting before. I'm just not sure how to make sure he sees that.

As far as finances, he has agreed to pay for the rent and part of the utilities for the next 6 months. We always kept our finances seperate...one of our problems. We'd been married such a short time and were just getting around to combining everything. I was trying to pay for my own debts/bills before we combined our accounts. I have no access to any of his money unless he gives it to me.

Oh, and about comparing notes with the OW. When I did speak with her, I had found out the affair was going on 5 months even though he had told me only 2. I was able to confirm that by going through our cell phone records and found the first time he had called her- 5 months before he fessed up. From the little I got from her, it sounds like he has told her a lot about his feelings. It hurt me to hear them from her and not from him. Other than not telling her he was married, it sounded like he has been very open with her. I was surprised at some of the things she knew about him. He often had a difficult time opening up with me. I realize now I could be very critical with him at times when he just needed me to listen.

2Opt-

Have you identified his emotional needs?? Don't try to have him fill out the emotional needs questionnaire, he'll say no, so just make an educated guess at what order the needs should be in and then concentrate on the top 3.

If he's not coming around you, is there the possibility that you could stop by the restaurant and bring him his favorite cookies or something??

What are his interests?? Can you possibly involve yourself in those??

We all understand how you are feeling, I was EXTREMELY suicidal for quite a while, and I was also separated from my WH while the *A* was going on, so I know how futile it seems.

I know he's presenting this front to you that he doesn't care about you, but he's thinking about you and missing you, he won't show it, but he is.

Try to think of anyone else you could expose to, just to put pressure on the affair, to make it a whole lot less fun.

Other wiser people will be along, probably not until tommorrow, it's slow on the weekends around here.

Good luck hon, I'm pulling for you.

-Caren

Thank you, Caren, for your kind words. I guess I could stop by the restaurant some time. The OW works there, too, though and has pretty much the same schedule. He manages the kitchen and she is a waitress so I'd run into her before I could get him to come out of the kitchen.

I just feel like I made so many mistakes in dealing with him the first few weeks knowing about the affair that now I'm walking a very fine line between appearing desperately needy and just trying to show him I can improve on meeting the needs I wasn't meeting before this mess. I'm so scared about every word that comes out of my mouth or every action I take. I'm scared another mistake on my part will cause all hope to diminish.

2Opt-

I understand that. Right now, so soon after D-Day, every thing you say and do seems like life or death....I can relate to that.

What would happen if you went to the restaurant and ran into her first?? Would she fight with you, even though you weren't being combative?? I mean THIS IS your husband...not hers, you have every right to go and see him, and I think that your presence there would cause a rift between them.

Make sure ANYTIME you see him you look DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.....he may not act like he notices.....BUT HE'LL NOTICE <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Practice looking confident before you go there...don't look nervous, just cool and confident, smile a lot.

I was going to my WH's shop (he works at a pet shop) and the OW only worked 2 doors down. I would go there, take him lunch, take him cookies.....and stay just a little longer than I really needed to just to make her sweat. I made sure that my make up was perfect and my outfit showed some cleavage (I don't have much in that department...so I put some glitter on....so even if it wasn't big...it was sparkly..LOL!!).

Did he get everything out of the house that was his??? Since it's only been 3 weeks I assume he gets mail there still, why don't you call him up and arrange a time for him to come and pick up the mail, and just *happen* to have his favorite meal cooking when he comes by.

Stuff like that......you have to think of this like a battle plan, you have to make strategic moves to undermine the affair.

BTW, if he isn't coming over or talking to you at all, believe that these are probably *rules* that the OW put on him....and he will start resenting that in the near future.

DO NOT sign any divorce papers......he's looking for the easy way out, and he's not thinking clearly, it's your job to be the LIGHTHOUSE that guides him safely home through the fog of the affair.

You can do it hon <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

2O,

Sending a message of support. You have gotten some great advice here and you are beginning to have some important realizations...already...put the emphasis on you....and taking care of yourself. Be sure to get some rest and remember to eat. The infidelity diet is a dozey. I like many people lost 17 pounds in about three months. I did take up exercise and that helped alot. I walked to clear my head and took cheap classes just to get out and burn off my energy. It helped with my depression and then I did go on anti-d's for about five months.

You are lucky to have found MB so early in on this process. I also found it early on and studying everything I could get my hands on. I found about the A from the computer (email), but the computer restored me with MB.

2O, I also did not have many people to expose the A to. My H and I do not have family here and he does not work. I only exposed him to close friends and they helped my H and I until the A ended. You can Plan A him even though he is not with you. When you encounter him....you Plan A him to the best of your ability...you look great and confident..you bring him something he likes....Ark has a post with great suggestions.

Marriage Builders-Plan A musings

Eventually WS and OW relationship will be strained and the fog will lift. By then you will have worked on yourself and be ready for the next steps. Their relationship cannot last because it is built on a lie.

Keep posting and reading here...you will find lots of help to get through this. May God watch over you in this journey. ss

Thank you so much for the great responses. I never participated in a message board until I found MB. I can't believe how much support and encouragement I have found with everyone here- people I don't even know. All of your words of support and suggestions are helping me feel more confident and in control.

I'm trying my best to eat again. I've always been a little overweight but lost 15 pounds in the 1st 2 weeks of this. I know I need to stay healthy, but am liking the lighter version of myself. Now when he sees me, I really do look sexy. The few times I have seen him, I put on my most slimming jeans, high-heeled sandles and made sure my hair and make-up were perfect. One time, even though he was still insisting it was over, he made a point to tell me how good I looked. That was almost 2 weeks ago.

I think part of his problem with me was that I was always trying to control everything, something I'm quickly learning to give up. When I met the OW, I noticed she seemed to be a confident, controlling type so I'm sure he's going to find the same problems with her.

Unfortunately, the first week when I found this out and he insisted he could not give up the affair, I made him take absolutely everything of his out- EVERYTHING! I even packed it all up for him. I guess I thought that type of reaction would wake him up and make him waiver. Now, I wish I hadn't been quite so forceful. No mail or phone calls have come here for him since he left so no luck there. He also doesn't have access to a computer/e-mail etc.

"I made sure that my make up was perfect and my outfit showed some cleavage (I don't have much in that department...so I put some glitter on....so even if it wasn't big...it was sparkly..LOL!!)."

Caren - You cracked me up! We all know how men are distracted by shiney objects.

2O - Don't worry so much about everything you say and do. The best thing to do right now is to work on YOU. Chances are very good that he will come back to the marriage, so start preparing now.