Survivor & Caren:

Thank you so much for your posts today. Today has been extrememly difficult. Your positive encouragement is a huge help.

I did go see a counselor, though. I did it just for me but did choose a counselor who has helped couples through infidelity so she would understand what I was going through. I really felt comfortable talking with her and realized I have been very unhappy with myself for a long time. I also realized that I took a lot of my frustration with myself out on my husband. My husband is a big conflict avoider so I think he found it easier to run away that to tell me his was sick of my personal issues affecting the relationship.

Anyway, I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself. I just miss him so much and want him to do something that shows me he's interested in working on our marriage. He has several friends he could stay with. Why the heck does he insist on living with her?!? We knew each other 6 years before we lived under the same roof! He's known her 6 months and all of a sudden they think they're a happy little family.

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****NOTE******from JustUss**********

Support SUPPORT S U P P O R T!!!!!!

This IS a MarriageBuilders site!!!

a1b2c3d4e5

You know nothing of the Marriage Builder's philosophy, nor of the techniques that Dr. Harley recommends for people to save their marriages. Many marriages far worse off are deep into recovery right now. I suggest you take your "expertise" elsewhere, until you know of what you speak.

"One should remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out (post without the proper knowledge) and remove all doubt" Abraham Lincoln...

But then, you didn't actually "cheat" or have an affair, did you?

SD

A1B2

Your first post to "help" someone else and you throw out a 2 x 12 (((Bonk))). Until 2Optimistic leaves on his/her own we here are going to try an "marriage build". I have seen on this very board marriages recovered from beyond the abyss. As long as one partner maintains hope and keeps trying...sometimes...I repeat...sometimes, a marriage can be restored. Sometimes they can't and we can also assist such posters as they come to that conclusion themselves. You and I can not judge the level of satisfaction or happiness of such restored marriage nor the integrity of the partner that went to ****** and back to save it by whatever means possible.

However, in the end your brand of bluntness may end up appreciated. It's just my opinion that your being brash but it's a public forum and you can post whatever you like regardless of my opinion. Maybe I'm the problem - maybe we need a few less MB clones. Wasn't it Howard Cosell that said - "and that's the way it is". I haven't even read 2Optimist's thread to have an opinion either way.

Act,

Okay I will back off a while. Just seemed to me that the guy was with someone else for four months, told his wife, and left the next day and is showing no sign of wanting to rebuild the marriage. There are no children involved so . . . there are plenty of fish in the sea. Go find another fish. When children are involved you need to try a lot harder because it affects the children too, however in this case the marriage is only a couple years old and the guy is already f-ing someone else??? Find a better man that won't treat her like that and . . . she will be happy when she sends him a picture of her new husband and children in her new marriage.

No I am in no way a Marriage Builders clone but I do indeed want to work on my marriage if the outcome can be healthy. Why do I want to try, because of my son mainly and because my spouse is showing she also wants to try. Her husband though, poof . . . left and now is filing for a divorce, with no kids, I say move on girl and find a better man. It will also help your self-esteem that has been beat down by this slime ball.

a1b2c3d4e5 - Thank you for your opinion but please don't ever try to cousel someone with that type of tact.

My husband now tells me he doesn't want to file the divorce papers. He said he feels horrible for what he has done to me after we've been so close for over 9 years and still loves me. He hasn't said he will come home yet but said he thinks he may need to see a couselor. I now realize he started showing signs of depression in late January- the affair started in late March. The way he has been acting is completely out of character for him- not just from my observation but also from the opinion of everyone who knows him. We went through some difficult times while we were dating (difficulties I created) and we got through just fine so I stay hopeful. In the meantime, I am working on myself. Sure, I'm depressed and feeling sorry for myself but I have to get through those emotions if I want to move on. Maybe he won't come back but I never give up easily on anything. He is worth the effort I am putting out. If he decides he wants to be this new miserable version of himself, I will have to move on. For now, I will fight for him. I also won't forget to take care of myself in the meantime.

PS: Thank you, Justuss, for editing the post by a1b2c3d4e5.

2 op... good for you. You have taken some steps in the right direction, and hopefully have new resolve after getting some positive feedback.

Continue to work on correcting those things about you that might have contributed to the marriage being vulnerable. Continue Plan A, without any Love Busters, and work on filling his Love Bank.

He's already shown his confused state, and you being the steady "rock" for him will encourage him to return.

I strongly suggest you counsel with the Harley's, creators of this site for the best in Marriage Counseling.

Glad you didn't let the negative post influence your direction.

Best wishes,
SD

Now that you shared he is showing signs of wanting to try, I am all for you working on it. When he wasn't trying at all and made no effort to even call you, that is when it is best to try and move on emotionally.

I was in the same spot you were. Pining over a spouse that left and didn't want anything to do with me. I finally moved on 9 months later and was very happy in doing so. After a month of being with someone else my spouse decided she wanted to try. Eventhough she told me during the previous 9 months that I was doing too little too late, I decided to not be so cruel in return to her. I realized that a marriage and a family (I have a son) was worth trying one more time for. I ended my relationship I was currently in, a relationship that met my top 4 emotional needs, and decided to give it another shot with my spouse.

She is moving in on Sunday. I am quite stressed about it, but interested to see where things go.

Trying in a relationship that the other person isn't trying only destroys you more and more and it is not worth it. I didn't want to see you lose everything that you had (he11 you were even borderline suicidal in your posts) for someone that wasn't showing you any respect or love.

Now that he is showing you respect and love. Try your d?mndest in the marriage. But don't beat your head up against a brick wall.

It is a two way street you BOTH have to work on it and show some effort. Sure one will be willing to try more than the other but BOTH have to be trying. Otherwise you are just destroying yourself.

P.S. Glad to hear freedom of speech isn't allowed in these posts. LOL I am just kidding seriously I am. DON'T BAN ME! LOL

a1b2c3d4e5 - thank you for your support. I am a VERY emotional person as you have seen. I'm not giving him excuses for what he did but I have done some pretty destructive things in our relationship and want to fix those. Unfortunatley, he is not as tough a guy as you are. He's extremely shy and introverted and is having a very hard time facing up to what he did. I really think he was avoiding me those first few weeks out of shame and embarrassment. I don't know if he will be strong enough to face it and to face me. He really is a good person who screwed up..BIG time. I have faith he is still a good person and will right his wrongs. He may prove me wrong but I want to take the chance and find out.

I know what you were telling me before was for my own good. You did have my best interests at heart. The things you said may just turn out to be true. A lot of my sadness is that it took this disaster for me to finally take such a hard look at myself- out in the open. It's difficult to face my own imperfections.

I admire you for welcoming your wife back after she left for so long. It is a brave step and I truely wish you the best. Maybe being apart for so long will allow both of you to cherish each other that much more.

a1, do you have some Marriage Builders experience to share? [other than girly little cheap shots about "marriage builders clones?"] I suspect that since 2optimistic is here on the MARRIAGE BUILDERS website she may be seeking information about MB, rather than the personal "insights" of some fella who is so fogged out he doesn't know the meaning of the word "cheat," whose own marriage is a wreck, and has TWO whole, very turbulent, days worth of experience on Marriage Builders! Yet, to the amazement of most, feels "qualified" to advise other newcomers.

Perhaps you should devote your time to helping yourself before you presume to to help others? I mean, if you can't help yourself how can you help others?

2Opt, I am sorry you have had to endure this dissension on your thread, but I hope that you realize that there are many there who do have experience and knowledge with the Marriage Builders program and are supportive of it's very successful methods. I would try and stick with those who are familiar with the MB program and welcome you to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MelodyLane,

Well written. I will refrain from my bluntness for a while out of respect for those going through a difficult time needing some significant psychological and emotional support.

Thanks for being the great queen bee of marriage builders.

2optimistic I do truly wish you the best in your personal happiness whether that is with or without your hubby.

A1, We always welcome freedom of speech here, it let's us know who/where the idiots are...HA! HA!

Mr. and Mrs. Dubya

2 op

How are you doing???? Update????

SD

A1-

I am starting a thread special for YOU.....because I would like to hear your *story* and would also like to know what this particular statement means.


-Caren

2Opt-

Honey....you're doing great.....you see how just a little plan Aing from you is making him doubt his decision?!?!

Keep up the good work darlin',

-Caren

P.S. Don't listen to the nay sayers

I'm not sure what to do next- I think I went too far with my Plan A attempt. When I went to the restaurant Monday, it had a great affect. He broke down crying in my arms. When I said I wasn't ready to sign the divorce papers yet, he said he wasn't either. He said he felt terrible for what he did to me.

I made a card for him that had some cute pictures of us together and basically told him that I believed in him and would not give up on him- no "I love you's" or anything. I took that to him Wednesday. I also wrote a long letter, talking about how I had my first visit to the therapist, how I realized I contributed to his unhappiness in our marriage that made him feel like an affair was the only way out. I talked about how we have been together so long and have made it through difficult situations in the past. Wednesday, I went to the restaurant again and took the card and the letter. When I went back to the kitchen, the OW was standing there talking to him while he was working. They were laughing and having a good time. I just said, "Excuse me, I need to talk to my husband." I could tell he was uncomfortable with me and the OW crossing paths like that. We went in another room and he looked at the card and read the entire letter. He didn't get emotional like the last time but he did listen to everything I had to say and read the card and letter thoroughly. I reached for the letter just to put it in the envelope and he got upset and said. "You don't want it back, do you? I want to keep this."

Here's my problem. He is still not initiating any contact with me. No matter how hard I try, whenever I initiate discussion with him, I start sounding desperate and get back into relationship talk. I haven't stayed strong- telling him I am willing to sell my business and move to live closer to some of his relatives. I just want him to know how hard I'm willing to work to keep us married, but I think he sees it as me being desperate and week. I've told him so much about how I want to fix my behaviors that lead to some of our problems but now I feel I've probably just given him more justification for leaving the marriage - he may feel reinforced in the feeling that it's OK to blame me for everything even though he was the one not communicating his feelings with me. I text-messaged him yesterday AND left a long voice mail on his phone which I think yet again shows weakness and desperation.

To make matters worse, he said that when I went to the restaurant Monday, the waitress who overheard me talking to the host told the OW that I referred to the OW as a b**ch, etc. I never said anything about the OW and told him so but he wasn't quick to believe me. He just said why would the girl lie about that. He finally said he believed me but I'm not so sure. I'm sure she's friends with the OW and they want to believe I'm a bad person to justify the OW actions. He told me not to come to the restaurant unless I call first and come around back. I don't want to play dirty with the OW and I know she will do everything she can to make me look bad.

I'm wondering why I want so badly to fix our marriage when he's not showing any willingness to do so. I just know that the person he is acting like right now isn't really him. It can't be. How can he be so kind and wonderful for 8.5 years and all of a sudden be the devil in the past 5-6 months. Is it really just "fog" or is this the new him? As of today, it has been one month since he moved out of our apartment (a month and a day since he confessed the affair). It still feels like I just found out yesterday. I don't know what to do next.

Somehow we have to get you stronger, and working on making yourself happy. Are you trying to do things to raise your self-esteem? I exercised, cleaned the house, detailed the car, did volunteer work, made a garden, went out with friends, started my own business, joined a women's bible study group, took up hobbies, etc.

I'm trying. I do have my strong moments- I just tend to come here when I'm at my worst. In the first 2 weeks after D-day, I thoroughly cleaned the house, exercised every day, and I already have my own business. I'm seeing my doctor Monday- she's been out of the country all month so I haven't been able to tell her what's going on. I have a history of problems with depression (since I was a kid- the illness runs in my family)but have always been strong enough to get myself through. The fact that I haven't been sleeping at all and feel like I'll gag when I eat for the past month has made me physically very week. Running my business is very physical so I need my strength. I've only been open 12 weeks so I'm still working on getting new clients and trying to cover start-up costs. Once I get some sleep, I think I will be able to overcome my other problems. This whole process just really sucks.