Post deleted by imanotherone

BTW (By the Way), I don't live here. I just woke up, fed my daughter and hit refresh. You posted just as I sat down again. Welcome again. Sunday will be slow but you'll get much more over here.

A Wayward Spouse makes all the choices selfishly for you as a couple during the affair. Once discovered and disclosed at least you now have choices. (Stay or Go) Focusing on you is the healthiest way to either recover your marriage or move forward without your spouse. Thus, in your anger you seem to be developing the Plan though right now understandably you are focused on getting even with HIM and not doing those things for YOURSELF.

It's a little early to be developing a plan. You haven't even confirmed the affair 100%. However, from your post I gather you like lists. Thought I'd direct you to the 180 plan. Just click the link below. Also read up on Plan A.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000476

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - A warning on snooping. Be prepared to hear the worst. If you discover an affair. Your spouse will be in a fog/fantasy land. He will be speaking of you in very unfavorable terms, he will rewrite your history and minimize your importance. Once you confirm the affair seriously consider only monitoring for contact and not content.

P.S.S. - I can speak for many on this Board. Infidelity is a great diet. I lost about 15 pounds in the month of May.

Thanks Mr. W.!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I think you can be 100% sure that there is an affair.

I am wondering after years of marriage counseling, why is there no intimate contact in your marriage?

Also I suggest you get started today, in exercising and making yourself feel good.

I'm sure you realize this is a fantasy and this will never happen.

Unless you are both consciously working on the marriage, you anger will not let you do this long enough for this to occur.

Expose the affair then buckle your seatbelt. Read everything on this site and keep posting.

Susan

Post deleted by imanotherone

I still think there must be other issues. It is just not normal to go without sex for that long.

Somehow, you need to figure out what happened.

Feel pretty hopeless, since years of MC hasn't uncovered more than just that he thinks I've gotten fat, and that I let the kids watch TV too much. Maybe we've just lost the chemistry, or maybe never had it. Too bad for the family, though. He doesn't drink, smoke, or smack me around. Here I was thinking that was most of the ballgame.

Well goodness, girl, you are sure willing to accept very little - no sex, him having an affair, but he doesn't drink, smoke or smack you around.

Why is it that you would think that was most of the ballgame?

It sounds like your H has an important EN for attractive spouse and has lost some respect for you since you haven't worked harder to get back to your pre-pregnancy body condition. He may take it as you not having enough love and respect for him.

Maybe you should print out the two EN questionnaires for each of you to fill out.

Is there also a chance that he has become addicted to online porn or sex chat which could have lead to an A? It does sound like an A. I wonder how much of an EA it is. Do you think that he is more the type to get emotionally involved before he would take the A to PA? Just wondering how attached he may have gotten to this woman or if there could be more than one woman. Wondering if he met her online or on a business trip.

Would he read His Needs Her Needs with you?

It is totally unacceptable that he locks his office door and password protects his computer. After all, you are in business together...I would think all would be open to each other.

Radical Honesty will be an important concept to try to convey to him.

Counselling with Jennifer Chalmers or Steve Harley may be beneficial since they are experts in dealing with infidelity. Do you think your H would phone counsel with one of them. You may want to counsel with one of them yourself first to get direction on the best way to let him know you know their is an A. Without proof your H will probably deny, deny, deny. That is why I would say hold off letting him know you know and get some ducks in a row for yourself.
There may be a way to bug his office. There are businesses that specialize in surveillance equipment. Some are available online.

hi welcome- the folks here are great and very nuturing!
I wanted revenge also- to call the ow and talk and curse her and pull her hair- but it would only show me in a bad light- I have to be the grownup.

Hello again,

My wife and I are also in business together, however, I'm also a tax attorney (no divorce law questions as I don't know). As business partners I see particular problems with your case. I suggest you seek out an attorney now, before exposure. You said you work out of your home so I am assuming the value of the business is mostly his relationships and you play more of a supporting role at home (hopefully you handle the money). Just a guess. Anyway, other than the cash in the bank the business probably doesn't really have any assets. Even if you make tons of money a year, it's liquidation value may be worthless (what would somebody buy it for?). Could your H could just shut it down and start a new company by himself tomorrow? This could make a property settlement problematic. You'll get child support and sizeable alimony (you gave up a career to rear your children). However, what if he later sets up a new Corporation similiar to yours with OW or other relative then pays himself a measly salary. He may be able to then petition the court for a modification of child support/alimony based upon such new low salary. I'm not trying to scare you and maybe I'm way off here but get these ducks in a row now.... You sound very capable but you've given up a lot to have and care for HIS children and need to be prepared.

As Vice President of the Corporation what purchasing authority do you have? Maybe you should go on a moderate spending spree. Buy that new computer you've been wanting, stock up on inventory and supplies, some new clothes or jewelry (which you can always return later) or a paid up lifetime gym membership. Or just pay down the mortgage on the house. He'll shut up after you expose.

If you control the finances and the money. Look into separating your credit cards so you and the company do not further finance the affair. Get your own secret credit card. If you don't run balances on credit cards, start doing it now...pay minimum payments leaving more cash available in the hopefully unlikely event of divorce (maybe you as Faithfull wife get house, custody, all the cash, all the personal property and he may end up with all or most of the credit card debt).

If you don't control the money..get control or a good idea of what is where as of today. If everything is joint check with attorney or bank about how to make it 2 signatures, etc...or just separate it to your own account...not to hide it...just to keep it from disappearing. Once you expose, you don't want it to be easy for him to just up and leave and/or to clean you out.

If he continues affair, it should be on his own non-joint, non-corporate credit card, which you don't pay. (maybe you tell him you're paying it but only make minimum payments). No matter how angry you get, don't be vengeful and ruin his credit as that may make you look bad to the court or just make you both suffer if you reconcile.

Also, look for secret monies or credit he may be utilizing to finance an affair. Has to be more than just a plane ticket. There are accountants that specialize in divorce investigations. Also, run a credit report on him, the company and yourself.

You get to choose the right time to expose - he shouldn't see it coming.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. Marriage Build but protect your backside. Regardless of the outcome you will be a better person for it.

Mr. Wondering

P.S. - I'm not looking to get into a legal discussion here so my questions are more hypothetical. I'm guessing some issues that may be relevant and advising you to seek a competent divorce attorney to hash them out.

Thanks for some very good advice, Wondering! I don't control the $$, but we have a bookkeeper (who's on my side--her husband put her in a bad spot when they divorced). We also have a CPA, and I'm guessing she responds to me. I'm actually President and majority shareholder in the corporation, but you are right...much of the value is tied up in (his) relationships. There is also a patent, that is under my husband's name, to add a level of complexity. I think I like your advice to stay quiet and get my ducks in a row. Hate to say it, but we've done so much work in creating the corporation (10 years) that both of us would probably be inclined to stay business partners, even with the A. Our children's college funds, the house, and other stuff are tied closely. Plus, even though H is being thoughtless about this A, he really wouldn't do anything that would endanger the kids. In a way, that's my trump card. Even through all of this, I don't believe he would let the A cause them to be homeless, etc. (So, as long as I can keep custody of them, by proxy, I'll stay safe.) To be honest, I have more income-earning potential than he does, as a female in a male dominated technical field, with marketing and corporate management experience. Just sucks that I'll have to go back to 60 hour work weeks to get it. I will make a serious (quiet) effort to get a snapshot of the finances, though. It would be much more difficult if I wait until after D-day. Thanks so much for your great advice. I went to RadioShack yesterday, too!

Quick question to all about EN's. Ok, I agree with Trix that H has strong EN for physical fitness/beauty. Let's say I get back into the game and get fit, etc. Aren't I just asking for another A down the road, when I get older and less able to compete with younger/childless women? Seems to me that if EN for physical beauty stays on top of the list for H, then I'm doomed to eventually fail again. What ever happened to those vows of sickness/health, blah blah as long as you both shall live? Is that just BS, and what we really mean is as long as you keep your rock hard abs and 27 inch waist, and no wrinkles? I'm just getting really confused about all this...

1 affair at a time. Get in shape for yourself. When your marriage is restored you can access whether he is a serial cheater or not. A 50 year old man with a 29 year old woman on his arm looks ridiculous. Though that emotional need is not even near the top of my list...I do appreciate that my wife is the hottest 37 year old woman around and when she's 60 she'll still be that way. I expect and anticipate our looks will grow old together.

I believe when and if you do discover and reveal OW that she's really not that hot. I've seen it here over and over, like I said on your other post...he will affair down.

By the way, looks might not be his big need...it may be admiration. 2 kids and a business together... not much time to appreciate his accomplishments especially considering your involvement in achieving them.

No matter what happens in YOUR situation, getting in shape is and should be about YOU...Take good care of YOU, when YOU are at YOUR best YOU will be best equipped to handle whatever path YOUR life may take...Here's wishing YOU the absolute best! ((((HUGS))))!!!!

Mrs. Wondering