Ok, now that's a piece of advice I can use. See, I knew there was a reason I was watching this thread.... Something told me I could get a "kernel" of wisdom from this.

BTW, I think my WS is having the A with a govt' employee in the DC area...should we compare cell numbers? (Just kidding!) In any event...This will be my new mantra: NO LEGAL SEPARATIONS: THE ONLY LEGAL SEPARATION IS THE BIG D!

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

a1b2c3...
agree, agree! Could be something about their lifestyle. My H is merely a much admired consultant in the whole arrangement. My fortune (or misfortune) is that H has NEVER been into quick relationships. I know first-hand he does not feel a connection to women unless they share many hours of soul baring, before the other kind of baring. Many women find that makes him more attractive, that he doesn't like women until he likes their mind. Up til now, I've felt pretty secure, since he doesn't get much long-term repeated access to the same people. Somehow, he had enough access to plant a seed, and his cell records have indicated a growing EA for the past 3 months, without any physical contact. Unfortunately for me, by the time the actual "contact" happens, he's going to be in pretty deep. (No pun intended!) Puts me in a bad spot...I can't inflect myself into their relationship, because they are already connecting on a different plane than we currently have. I guess I'm hoping he'll see the kids, the house, the family connections, blah blah, and see that his roots with me grow deeper. Might take a while for the halo of the A to wear off first.

IM - found you...everywhere. Glad to see a1b2 calmed down and posting as well. This place is soooooo addictive.

What does race and income have to do with anything? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Susan

I like your posts ima.

A1, The only opinions that count are Gods,yours and your wife's. You know what God's is and I can't see your wife's side of it from your post.

Seems to me you are preoccupied with money? Could this be a LB?

I say forget about the poll and put the effort into the marriage. No, it won't be the same Thank God.However,
I do believe you can have a better one. For the best interests of your son, open your heart and mind to working on making it work.

PS you slept with a womem you only dated for 2-3 weeks????
Have you been tested for STDS?
Talk about a LB. Best to do it before your wife comes home.

Since U like bible verses

Ephesians 5:25
Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church anfd gave himself up for her.

Faith05

My XW told me I "cheated" on her when I was with someone after all the papers were signed and we waited on the court clerk to finalize (in NY State it could take 6 months). We had not slept together in the same room for over a year. Had not had sex in well over a year. She filed false papers to get me removed from my home while serving me with divorce papers.......

So...this is not about social "norms" or society...it is about being a human. Why did I do what I did? I was lonely. As far as I was concerned I was divorced the moment I was served. I could not stop it. ******, by law I could not speak to her or I was going to jail. So in the eyes of teh law and God I was unfaithful...I do not care because I am human. That is how I feel about what this guy did. He's human and his wife met not a single EN. She left him, they split their assets, against his wishes. This is not how it works now is it? I know that my church, Catholic, says divorce is wrong....so I am already a sinner from the point of my divorce right??

This gets sticky because now my XW and I have reconciled and are in recovery....it still comes up...that I cheated too...and it's a mute point. There is nothing for us to discuss...

send me on my way---we arent saying we dont get why he did it, or even why it is apealing to someone in that sitch....we are saying that until the divorce is final YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. period. he asked if it was cheating, well yes until you are divorced, to me it is cheating. now ask me if i undersdtand why it happened and why it looked so good? of course i get it and understand. however i, myself, believe until it is finalized, and you properly heal and grieve and work out all the whys.....go it alone. lol

i am also glad A1 you are still posting.....this is a great place if you want to build a solid marriage!

It doesn't matter if it was cheating or not. You need to work on your marriage and I'd start with a good plan a if you want to work this out. Men do not usually leave to go nowhere, so maybe there was something going on before, maybe not. The bottom line? Do you want to be right or do you want to be married to him? Forget the symantics and move on. I am catholic, we don't divorce (we're not supposed to) so in God's eye, it is cheating. But really, it doesn't matter at this point, you just pick up the pieces and move on. She wasn't that great if he wants to come home. Do you still want him?

newjersey makes a good point, and so does send me. First, it's water under the bridge now, and second only the legalese is relevant when looking at the earlier behavior. Pretty clear when W moved out and legal separation happened, D was imminent. Just remember that this audience is much more fine-tuned about infidelity than your typical American. Like I said before, this poll is much less scientific than a true random one, since all of us are very tender about the subject. Do what you need to do to get your Plan A going. If W is coming home, find a good MC to discuss the past and the future, as it applies to the future of your marriage. My gut says you have a lot more chance for full recovery than many of us.

It seems unlikely that she separated bc of an A right after the baby was born. It sounds very possible she had post partum depression.
Why do you think it is so important that you supported her financially? YOu are married and obligated to do that. It sounds like you did not do much to work on the M. Of course she didn't either. Yes you cheated! What do you mean no sex without permission? Guess what? With or without permission, the law says it is adultery. Melody Lane is VERY tough, but listen to her, along with everyone else. Then you will get a balanced approach. In order for you to work on the M, you need to be able to identify what you have done wrong and feel true remorse. YOu both do. Legal separations are bogus, IMHO. Don't be on a "high horse" and don't be a victim. No one forced you to have sex! It was your choice. And what is up with people able to have sex with someone and then just "break it off" with a person without any sadness over it? Having sex just is not taken seriously enough anymore, and that stinks.

I have been called "tough" [or "black and white"] on this thread for simply looking up words in the dictionary. Don't normal folks use the dictionary to get their word definitions? Where, pray tell, do they get their definitions then? Words do have meanings, and the truth is the truth. Don't kill the messenger if the truth is unpalatable to you.

The poster asked the definition of cheating and was angry when given exactly what he asked for. How very strange.

It's real simple. Cheating is another word for adultery, here is the definition of adultery:

a·dul·ter·y ( P ) Pronunciation Key (-dlt-r, -tr)
n. pl. a·dul·ter·ies
Voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.

What is so difficult about all this? Could it be that the poster does not want to accept the truth?

Melody Lane--I appreciate your black and white statements on the subject. You are right, adultery is adultery. Heck, the Bible says that having sex with ANYONE other than your FIRST SPOUSE is adultery. I think that I believe that. And you know what, I am the WW! ML--I just have experienced with you that b/c you don't show compassion to WS, it is very hard to hear your message as a WS. It is black and white. I have no argument there! But in order to save the M, it is vital that both see and admit their part, I believe. I think that it is just as important to be confrontational to the BS. You told my H that he should D me and you never confronted him on his actions, which included at least one ONS that he admitted to. He never seemed to even grasp what that did to me, esp that he kept it secret for FOUR YEARS-even through my confessions, first D filing, and reconciliation attempt. No reconciliation attempt is possible unless both spouses are honest with themselves and the other, IMHO. An A is a very very poor way to cope with pain in one's life and in one's M, but I think it is so important for the WS to feel that the BS understand that it is a coping mechanism for something. Also, D is so darn easy to get nowadays. And once lawyers get involved, it takes on a life of ones own. There has to be hope up until the day you sign the papers. And one other thing, I don't think this couple was CLOSE to D. Otherwise, they would have filed for the D, instead of a separation. I think that they are playing games with eachother instead of talking things out. They are both acting out on their pain....

aao, I am sorry you have a resentment about one of my previous posts or my level of "compassion", but that has nothing to do with this thread and is not my issue. The point is that words do have meanings and using the proper meaning of a word does not mean one is black and white, it simply means they are accurate. If you have a problem with the meaning of the word, then you should write to Mr. Dictionary and lodge a complaint. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is exactly what I am talking about. I said adultery is wrong and that is WAS adultery. You are sooooo offensive, and no one listens when they are offended. There is a way to speak the truth with compassion.

aao, like I said previously, that is not my issue, but yours. You can easily put me on ignore and then you wouldn't have to worry about be offended anymore. Hope you get over your offense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am NOT offended. He was. Just drop it. I think you should stay away from WS until you get over your bitterness. Your posts to WS reek of bitterness. I will ignore you and post to this WS bc I think that I can help him. Hopefully some can look beyond your bitterness and see the truth in what you say.

Like you, a1, I had many viable reasons/EXCUSES for cheating. But, the fact is I CHEATED and so did you. You have to see how wrong you were to cheat and then you and your W can work from there. It is a poor coping mechanism to cheat. Your needs were not being met by your W, but you did not protect yourself against that fact. I so agree with you on the separation issue. My H moved out and it was the KISS of death! You have such a great chance here to make your M a great one. Keep reading and posting!

aao, if it's alright with you, I'll post to whomever I choose, in the style I choose. Since you seem to have such great personal issues with my posts, you should just put me on ignore to save yourself this great anxiety. You can only control yourself, dear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />