Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

(Just thought that needed to be highlighted for you.)

Arrgh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Whether you regret having the relationship for yourself is irrelevant.

He!!, my relationship with my OW was great. We were fantastic friends and world class lovers. Outside of the fact that we completely destroyed two families AND my own integrity, what's there to regret?

My very point is that you should regret the relationship because it DID hurt your wife.

There is a difference between feeling regret and feeling bad about what happened. Regrets says you now wish it hadn't happened and you wouldn't do it if you had it to go over again.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you must feel horrible for meeting and having a good relationship with this other person.

Low

2 long's (I mean Low Orbit's) apology is right on target (it was posted while I was typing). You don't have to beleive what you say. Just say it with belief.

Unfortunately my wife has enough customer service training to know better than to accept "I'm sorry you feel that way" as a true heartfelt apology. Be prepared to explain, with apparent belief the "why" you feel that way, in detail. Women have a sixth sense when it comes to insincerity. Especially if her hammering you is a sort a manipulation to make the last 2 years of her neglecting you into your fault. She will look for weaknesses in your tap-dance apology.

A1,

I sure hate getting in on the end of a thread and reading all the pages to get to here....anyway....

I find the extremely ironic that..""Had I known how she felt I wouldn't have had the relationship because I would have known that my wife still loved me.""

But reading that when you told her about the relationship, she then wanted to come back (jealousy?). If you didn't have the relationship she might still be there!! Doyathink?

Anyway,again, you have been married for 5 or more years correct? So you should be very familiar with the 2 most important phrases a man must use to keep peace in the M.....

YES DEAR!
and
I AM SO SORRY, SWEETHEART!

She just wants to know you REGRET HURTING HER, and that you are truly remorseful and sincerely sorry..FOR CAUSING HER PAIN. Period..no room for arguement here.

I understand you do not want to be labled a WH!! (heaven forbid)

And don't be annoyed by Melody Lane, she is cool and a bright light in the darkness. But don't piss her off because she gets her hackles up and won't let you go!!

There is also a big difference between the Bible and the Dictionary. At one point you seemed to have them confused.

Be nice to your wife. She has been gone a year and wants to come back. (DC is a living ****** in the summer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />) You both can start dating and begin anew!!

Everything is going to be OK!

k

a1b2...
Sounds like you're both very confused about where you want to have the boundaries of marriage/relationship. I don't want to pass judgement on you/your wife's experimentation, since most folks get the "wild and crazies" out of their system before marriage. You both tried to get a little bit of a taste of what else was out there, and maybe curiosity led to stronger feelings. More importantly, if W was at all insecure about herself during pregnancy, your (my words) "poorly defined" marriage my have increased those insecurities. Maybe you both need to decide TOGETHER just what is comfortable for you both. For the time being, though, I'd recommend celibacy or at least fidelity. If she's cruising these sites, too, then maybe she's just as interested in keeping this marriage as you are. Good Luck!

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

No, if you learn to meet each other's 5 top most important EN's then you both can have a fulfilling marriage.

It is unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time. You will have joy and you will have sorrow as with all lives. Some people go from one relationship to another seeking 'happiness'. When they cease to be happy they want out.

Marriage is about commitment. Love is a choice...a decision.

It sounds like you have some resentment regarding your wife waiting until you were really willing to move on before she decided to try to save the marriage. You can both learn about forgiveness. 'Forgive & Forget' by Lewis Smedes may be helpful.

I still recommend try telephone counseling with Steve Harley or Jennifer Chalmers.

There are both BS's here as well as WS's here in various stages of dealing with infidelity and attempting to recover...one way or the other.

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Go to 2nd thread down on the "Just found Out" board and there is a list of abbreviations.

A1
This site is DEFINITELY about making your M better! Once she is back, you can begin to work on meeting the emotional needs. Go back and read all that you can about the Harleys recommendations. You will learn so much and you will have great hope! Get the tape on His Needs Her Needs. It is really enlightening. I am glad to see that you have a sense of humor..........

I agree with Trix, the first step would be forgiveness. You forgiving your wife.

I understand that it would be extremely difficult to go through what you did, finally meet someone who fulfills you and then have your wife want to come home.

I don't envy the position that your wife has put you in, either with leaving or with coming back...after you have suffered so much, and then found someone.

Tough choice, and only you can make it. Yuck.

Good luck with whatever you decide though. And I do believe that you will never be happy with your wife again unless you can forgive and welcome her back whole heartedly.

I am not so much a believer in meeting the top five emotional needs here as others are. I believe if the marriage is working this can only enhance, but cannot possibly bring it back from the ashes.

It's all about choice and forgiveness. And sometimes as hard as it is to swallow, love does die. And like you I would not live in a loveless marriage, right or wrong.

And maybe the feelings will come back after you live together again. It would definately be worth the try in my book, if you can give it all you've got.

And please remember she can always leave again, and so can you. There are no guarantees, only choices.

Sorry...know I didn't help much.

So glad to see you've taken to MB like a fish to water. You've got one of the most popular threads I've seen here in awhile. Apparently when you add a little salt the pot boils faster.

Anyway, I can already see your thinking changing. Saying "I want a fulfilling marriage and I prefer it with my wife" is very healthy thinking. You can only control yourself. Focus on being the best person and husband you can be and let the rest take care of itself. Whether it's with your wife or not.

Continued regards

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

I repeat - you must have missed it.

Go to "Just found out" board - 2nd or 3rd thread down

Act,

Thanks found the list. Holy cow!!! It is as long as the Mississippi!!! Tried to committ some to memory but . . . may still have to refer to it a bit.

Again thanks.

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5

a1...Beware: Swimming Upstream Can Be Hazardous to Your Health...Do So At Your Own Risk...You can't change MB principles on a site dedicated to those principles...principles, by the way that have been proven time and time again to work...Are you just throwing out bait because you're lonely? Careful,step on too many toes and most folks will "forget" to throw you a life jacket...

Mrs. Dubya

P.S. Required Reading for ALL salespeople... How to Win Friends and Influence People

P.S.S. Here's a little friendly advice from a "dyed in the wool" southern gal..."You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by a1b2c3d4e5