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FaithHopeLove04,

Of course I will come back. I will however delete my previous posts on a weekly basis (or try anyway) as my wife would be livid that I share so much information with complete strangers let alone deep 'secret' situations.

I like you, you know that. Your hubby, perhaps I will learn to like him--and I mean that sincerely. Others, well we are just different breeds that shouldn't try to force a friendship or kinship.

That's cool that you are a gifted high IQ person. Never been tested. School, college (though I didn't finish because I decide to ride the wave of my career; never knew it would last this long), work, comprehension, etc. but considering my wife is smarter than I am by quite a margin, I doubt I could say I am gifted. The stress of life lately has been getting to me too and my memory doesn't seem to be too perfect. I am in the middle of a major lawsuit, my mom is still talking (as of a few weeks ago) to the other woman and lied about it repeatedly, I have the marriage and other woman drama, new boss at work that measures pay by education versus contribution to the company so I am having to justify my salary to him, selling of the out house, living in this sh1t hole of a rental and expected to smile about it, etc. But I am not looking for sympathy just stating why I may come off a bit grumpy. LOL

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faithhopelove04,

No biggie, I never re-read these posts so mine is chalk full of grammar and spelling errors--let alone typos. Informal setting and thus I don't stress about making sure all the t's are crossed and i's dotted.

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Believe me, I understand stress. (My ex filed against my petition to relocate to be with my husband and is threatening to file for custody of my 2 little girls.) And yes, stress can have a major impact on your short-term memory. I know it does mine.

Did you delete the post in which you talked about how you liked my style but not my husbands? I went back to re-read something and can't find it. Am I losing it?

Why is your mom still talking to the other woman?

I have a compassion for your situation and for the other woman that others may not have because I myself could easily be marked with the scarlet letter, at least here on MB. I actually keep a good part of my post-separation story to myself for fear of being branded here, in a way that I feel would be very unfair and unproductive. If you ever decide that you value our insight enough or that you need to talk more than you can on a public forum, you would be very welcome to e-mail LH and I personally (if you e-mailed me, I would copy to him and vice-versa) - we have done that before - and then I would share in greater depth, which I think can be really so much better - more helpful and more interesting. It can actually be kinda fun. Just keep that in mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope your having a great night. I am here, missing my incredibly wonderful hubby, who is 26 hours away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
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Sorry but in my situation with my son in DC 50% of the time I side with your ex and would do the same thing if I had the chance to do it all over again. Of course she and my son will be here tomorrow so my situation is a little different.

I deleted all my posts except for those in the past 24 hours. This will be a weekly thing (hopefully for me) I delete the quotes (well actually I probably could delete other's posts but that could earn me an even worse bad reputation).

I won't IM anyone as I feel that you are still a stranger no matter how much I post publicly. Going private opens me up to way too many identity theft, kidnapping, ransom, and other ill-harm situations. I surf the internet about 12 hours a day (less on the weekends) and I have been around the block a few times to realize the dangerous out there. People may seem to be one thing and end up being something completely different. Not a risk I am willing to take with the ones I love.

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faithhopelove04,

Word of advice from someone that has done the long distance custody issues, stay local to your children. They have been through enough.

My wife and I are looking a dropping the the career (yes, the one that everyone thinks I am all hung up on) and moving back to the Pacific Northwest starting our own little $60K a year online business and just chilling versus the very fast paced, corrupt, life of The OC.

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Elle,

BTW, read your posts. Don't nail your hubby to the cross, but watch him closely. He seems cooperative and wanting to back out (he's a guy though and affection and attention from attractive female is tough to turn down). Keep a short leash but be willing to let him run on the beach once in a while (as long as you can keep him in sight).

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"I delete the quotes (well actually I probably could delete other's posts but that could earn me an even worse bad reputation)."

Really? You can do that? How?

"I won't IM anyone as I feel that you are still a stranger no matter how much I post publicly. Going private opens me up to way too many identity theft, kidnapping, ransom, and other ill-harm situations. I surf the internet about 12 hours a day (less on the weekends) and I have been around the block a few times to realize the dangerous out there. People may seem to be one thing and end up being something completely different. Not a risk I am willing to take with the ones I love. "

LOL! That's hilarious to me (though understandable). I am picturing LH and I right now, the evil hackers and identity theives...heehee *evil laugh*.....

BTW - your previous comments about people online looking for money, etc. You must have misunderstood me. Someone sent ME money for a breast pump after I had my second baby. I have had nothing but very positive experiences, though that is probably due to where I have met people - here and a Christian miscarriage support group.

As for you doing the same thing, etc - we are talking apples and oranges. My ex walked away. I begged him not to do that to our family and our kids. He knew the consequences and he made his choices. The OW (my former best friend) was more important (even though supposedly they were not having an affair, they were "just friends"). He gave up his kids so he wouldn't have to give her up. They are little and I have always been their primary care giver. He is military and will be transferred out of this state anyway. Why should I be chained here, to a place that only people like you can afford? You would be middle-class here, no one would bat an eye at your salary like they have here on MB.

Sorry, my soap box...


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
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MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
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"Word of advice from someone that has done the long distance custody issues, stay local to your children. They have been through enough."

They have been through enough, you are right. But they deserve a chance at a better life and my husband deserves to be near his three girls, as he is not the one who chose to break up his family either and he is far more involved in their daily lives than my ex is with my girls. My husband moved to be in the same town with his girls. My ex moved FURTHER away so he could buy a house, when he could have just rented here, or saved to buy a house, or whatever.

Sorry, but I disagree that I should be forced to live in a state in which we only lived for 7 mmonths of our 7 year marriage just because he is currently stationed here. He could go to Alaska next year for all anyone knows.

HE made the choice, I am picking up the peices for my girls.


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
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3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
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a1b2,
morom, eh? ah, the circle widens. wife is a bic...more background. I don't think wife will WANT to confess to the church, not because of the A or her moving out, but because what she perceives as "deviant sexual behavior."
Those of us on the outside (possibly yourself included) don't see sexual experimentation as a sin, but the Book of Mormon may not agree. She may feel more shame from the experimentation and toys than she does of the A. After all, the Bible is full of affairs (emotional and physical), but you don't see a lot of sex-shops referenced. I'd suggest that she get comfortable with her "past transgressions" or at least realize that they are perfectly normal for the human psyche, before she tries to assign blame and deal with other emotions. If I had known you had a BIC, all advice would have been "adjusted" to allow for a woman with her background to be able to face her family with her head held high. She needs to see that she is only human, and humans are curious by nature. If she found someone that she finally felt sexually comfortable with, that she was able to let down the defenses with, it's only natural that her hormones would drive her to try more than jsut the prescribed "missionary position." Unfortunately, Mormon only allows the H to see any variety in his sex life. (By variety, I mean: same story, different face.)

I don't think your resolved or unresolved religeous feelings will impact much in the early stages (except that you are particularly sensitive to those who are strongly "with God.:") You guys have some underlying issues that will need to be addressed for H and W to be happy in their own skin and next to each other's skin.

I find it ironic that we can see other people's issues so "clearly" (or so we think, anyway) yet we need others to validate our behavior in our own.

BTW, I'm haven't received an edited or otherwise comment about my relationship (while I'v noticed you've blasted many others). Not sure if that's because you had no opinion, or mine just didn't get you irritated enough to blast off a come-back.

Best of luck in any event. You either care a lot about your wife, or enjoy jerking folks around. In any event, your thread holds some interesting thoughts from you and all others.

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Thanks, a1. Things have been going very well. I tend to be paranoid because... well... of my own history & past behavior. I excuse not myself. I know how easy it is to get carried away.

The "OW" in our case is cute, but I'm cuter...lol. I used to support myself as a model. Way, way, back in the day! Geez! Scary how young you have to be to do that stuff.

Eeenyhoo. Best to ya. Run out... get some flowers for her... go to Church together... tithe! Tithe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

And return and report. Heck--you didn't have to take the penalty oaths in that temple ceremony... lucky. But your new temple name was the exact same new name that they gave to everyone else who went through on that day... did you know that? Prolly you did, but I didn't until recently. (no, lightning will not strike my computer.) I'm going to stop blaspheming now! For a minute. Or not.

Peace out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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a1,

Now that you've shared quite a bit about both of your religious backgrounds, your two different viewpoints about what you did makes perfect sense.

Being that you're a brutally honest person, this is probably an area where you need the most work. Learning how to communicate w/your W by thinking before you speak, learning how to listen to her (probably one of the biggies) & learning how to avoid those love busters (LB). There is a LB questionnaire that you both can fill out. See if she'd be willing to fill hers out & show you where you could use improvement in communication. This is extremely important. You want to communicate w/her honestly & openly, but you want to do it w/o showing outbursts of anger (AO) or disrespectful judgments (DJ). If something she says makes you angry, by all means you will get angry, that's not the point. But, it's lashing out at her (either verbally or physically) in anger that needs to be heeded. This will withdraw her love for you. Also, being you two see things differently when it comes to your relationship w/this OW, you have to be careful that you validate her feelings on the subject. Her opinions are valid, although you don't agree w/them. Trying to shove your opinion at her will only further push her away. She will feel as if your opinion is superior to hers & that she is being ridiculed for her beliefs.

I guess that's it for now. Good luck today. This is it. Check in w/us & let us know how it's going.


RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
Married for 16 years
DDay on 10/10/03
Reconciliation on 2/8/04
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faithhopelove04,

You both helped the marriage fail. You both chose to get involved in a relationship with each other when you knew distance would be an issue. I don't know if I would have gotten involved with someone that was long distance with children. Sooner or later you would have had to have known that someone's kids were going to suffer because of the need to uproot them and keep them from their other parent.

Millions of fish in the sea and yet you chose one that has children that are long distance from your children. I am not blaming or trying to place guilt, I just really think you should consider what situation you have put your children in. They will now have to be without one parent in their lives (or be significantly one sided) because you chose to be with someone that is long distance or has children that are long distance.

Maybe there is more to it that I am missing.

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imanotherone,

I feel sexual experimentation is fine. That is why I encouraged it and enjoyed it with her. I introduced her to Rated 'R' movies, to porn, to hard core porn, to strip clubs, to vibrators, etc. However she was like a snowball that you roll down the hill and you later can't stop. I created an avalanche. Notice how I say I created the avalanche. If I would not have thrown the snowball down the hill none of this would have happened. How was I to know though that an avalanche would result? Had I know this would have been the outcome, I would have sufficed with missionary sex (though you exagerate; I will go along with it).

She crossed the line from healthy experimentation to out of control sexual aversion. Even Tom Leykis has limits that he says a marriage shouldn't cross. We crossed those lines. I rolled the snowball and the avalanche nearly killed the marriage (and still may).

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imanotherone,

Well in a nutshell, your husband is too hung up on looks and you don't really want to try because you are pissed at him for being so hung up on looks. Does he deserve you? In my opinion, nope. But for some reason you want to stay in the marriage so go for it.

My dad married my mom when she weighed 110 lbs. Now she ways 280lbs and he loves her just as much today (actually considerably more) than he did 28 years ago. They got married when they were 18 and 20, conceived me out of wedlock, got married because of me, and yet they are the most co-dependent, loving couple I know. Not the marriage I want, but a marriage that is quite healthy and full of love--I don't want the co-dependency.

If your husband is hung up on the looks, perhaps he is not the perfect match for you. Your task is to determine whether the marriage can work with you not looking good, if you want to look good to save the marriage, if you are okay with him getting some outside the marriage, or if you just want to call it a day and find some other guy to be with.

Keep in mind that your children will pay the highest price though.

Probably not MB principles so read fast before the post gets banned. LOL

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So, my wife had an EA and I have had a PA (only after 1 year of legal seperation and 2,700 miles seperating us). Wife left me a year ago and moved in yesterday. She is very emotionally distant. No physical affection other than an occassional kiss (which I initiate) and even then it is barely open mouthed and quite short in duration.

She quit her job and moved all the way back from DC to SoCal. Why is she distant? I am not being distant at all. I am trying to get closer to her but honestly it feels more like a forced situation than anything. She is doing what she should but she is not feeling what she should and neither am I. Like we are going through the motions but not feeling while doing it.

Help!!!


WH (after 1 year legal seperation) B: 09/1976 M: 06/1997 Legally Seperated: 07/2004 Wife moved back in 08/21/2005 vacilating between withdrawal and conflict
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a1,

You have just moved back in together after a YEAR. Please give it some time. Yes, it will feel "forced" right now, but I think the BEST thing you two can do right now is spend recreational companionship (RC) w/each other. Have you printed out that inventory list, the RC list, & decided what you two enjoy together & then start doing it? This is how H & I had to "get to know each other" again. It is going to be awkward at first. You're probably going to get sick of people saying this, but it's true, you MUST give it TIME. It's only been 1 day. It didn't take you 1 day to get to the point you're at now, it's not going to take 1 day to get to where you want to be.

It was very awkward for both of us, H & I, when he moved back home. We had to kind of "force" ourselves to spend time together. We filled out the RC inventory & did those things that we were BOTH interested in & devoted the 15 hrs/wk together so we could fill each other's needs during that time. It helped tremendously. Why don't you give it a try? What have you two done together? Can you list what you both enjoy doing together? For us, we invested in a pool table & began spending a lot of our time playing pool together, just ENJOYING the company together.

You have to take baby steps - not try to chew off the entire enchilada in one week.


RBW (me) FWH lostboyz
Married for 16 years
DDay on 10/10/03
Reconciliation on 2/8/04
Son 17, Twin son & daughter 16
4 years of a strong recovery
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LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to Marriage Builder's philosophy 101. I've been following your posts and realized that you are trying to wing this whole "recovery" thing. It might be possible, but if you purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" it will give you a tremendous amount of insight into what you face for the next few MONTHS.

This is a tediously slow process, and it takes whatever time it takes, however, if you apply some of the Principals of Plan A, you may make fewer mistakes.

Plan A, among many other things, is making improvements in who you are, and what you bring to the marriage. Eliminating Love Busters.... Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgements, Annoying Behaviours....while at the same time making deposits in her Love Bank. Bring her flowers when she least expects it... leave her a note telling her how beautiful she is... tell her how important she is to you... but WITHOUT the "I love you's". Show her by actions how much you care for her, not by words... words are cheap and hollow. Think of it as a courtship, and turn on the charm as if you just met, and make a good impression whenever you can. Your TAKER should be put on the shelf indefinately. Your GIVER should be working overtime. And, for crying out loud, don't expect any passionate exchanges of any kind for some time!!!

As the previous poster stated, don't make every day a "relationship talk" day. Spend a fair amount of time doing things you both enjoy, things you enjoyed together when "life was good". Seek a sense of normalcy in your time together. Set aside some time for your "talks", and make those talks safe for both of you. Set some ground rules for the talks, that either of you can call a time out if it gets dicey. Regroup and start again. If you reach a point of impasse, disagree in a respectful way.

A man of your means should counsel with the Harleys. They are the best, and you can afford it. You maybe can't afford not too!

Your early posts indicated that you'd like for this to just work out. Well, I've got news for you. It won't "just" work out. You will need to WORK HARD, with absolute resolve, expecting set-backs and failures along the way, that will be most emotional. It's a roller coaster ride, at best.

Success = A very good plan, a lot of hard work, and a great deal of patience. Hunker down, man, because you are in for a eye-opening experience.

Please do yourself a favor and get the book and read it. Another fabulous book that will give you insight into what your W may be feeling is "After an Affair". It will give you a look inside her mind and give you some idea how much pain and anguish she's experiencing, and how to deal with it.

Your good looks and charm are not going to re-kindle your marriage. It's time for you to "get to work". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,
SD


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Only the original author of a post, forum moderators and forum administrators may edit that post after it has been submitted. There is now a time limit during which post authors may edit their posts.

This thread's originator cannot edit any other member's posts - please do not be concerned about this.

I noticed that the originator of this thread posted that he plans to edit his posts weekly. That is NOT appropriate for the Marriage Builders forums. If what you are posting here is going to offend or upset your spouse, then you should not post it at all.

Remember that this forum and all of the forums on this site are for purposes of Marriage Building, and we'd like to see participants familiarize themselves with and try to work with Dr. Harley's principles as provided on this web site and in his books.

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Well Tempest. I am done then.


WH (after 1 year legal seperation) B: 09/1976 M: 06/1997 Legally Seperated: 07/2004 Wife moved back in 08/21/2005 vacilating between withdrawal and conflict
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I shouldn't even be posting right now because I have other things to do, but LH told me about what happened with this thread and being curious, came to check it out myself.

You said you were done, so you may or may or may not even read this but you said to me:

"You both helped the marriage fail. You both chose to get involved in a relationship with each other when you knew distance would be an issue."

DO you even bother to read what I write before you start repsonding? What are you talking about? You make no sense. Who made what relationship fail?

You know, my XWH chose to have an affair with my best friend. He chose to abuse me emotionally, verbally and sexually. And he chose to abandon his family.

I do not believe I am entitled to pay the consequences for HIS poor choices.

The girls will always have a relationship with him. He'll just have to work harder at it.

There are other things to consider in a child's welfare than distance froma parent who doesn't care enough about them to remain in their lives on a daily basis. There is financial well-being, there is having a good male role model in their lives every day that can pick up the slack where their dad left off. There are lots of things to consider.

If I thought moving would affect them negatively, I wouldn't do it. I know my kids and I know the situation and you don't.

I have given you the benefit of the doubt through this whole mess you created on the boards. Then you come on here and tell me how wrong I am for picking up the peices of me and my children's lives in a way that rubs you wrong because you don't want your wife to be able to do it.

Thanks, a1.


26 years old
2 DD's, 3 and 6
Divorced after XWH's A
MARRIED to LostHusband 7/23/05!!
3 step DD's, 15, 13, 10
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