I have been reading the material on this site for a number of weeks now. Although, I think I may have found it alitte late to save my marriage.

We have been together for 25 years. Over the last three years while working full time in a demanding job, I have been caring for my father who has dementia in our home. Two years ago on my husband's birthday I realized he had formed a very strong emotional attachment to one of my younger and quite pretty girlfriends. She is a neighbour.

I have since moved my Dad into a nursing home and my husband has unsuccessfully tried to forget and get over this woman.

He has refused to go to counseling. I went once by myself but frankly have found this site to offer much better practical advise.

He seems to be going through some sort of mid life crisis. I don't believe they have han a physical affair he just really misses her and has built up this fantasy around her in his head which makes her into someone who does not at all resemble the woman I regret that I know so well.

He has tried to stop seeing her but it is difficult given her close proximity. Occassionally you can't avoid running into her. ( She practically stalked him until he told she had to stop calling and following him around.)

About a month ago, after seeing him talking to her, he admitted that he still thinks about her all the time. He also said that he felt constrained by our marriage, that he wasn't sure that he loved me enough and that he no longer found me as attractive as he should. (I am an attractive well groomed 50 year old but not the knock out I was at 25.)

I have loved this man it seems my entire adult life. Throughout our marriage I have been incredibly suppportive, I have provided strong and consistant financial support, admiration, affection, recreational companionship, conversation, and great domestic support.

Our one weak spot was sexual fulfillment. My husband was virgin when we married and he has never been with another woman. He didn't mention this until last week. I had always assumed that he just wasn't that interested in sex. I think now rather he just wasn't experienced enough to communicate effectively on the subject. He has told me that I have been a fabulous wife, that most men would kill for but he isn't happy - he wants to grab life whatever that means.

After hearing his comments I told him I thought if he truly felt that way - he should leave.

We have been apart over a month now. This week he told his family about our separation not mentioning the other woman.

We own a company together and I still talk to him daily about business matters.

I just find that I really don't believe that this is happening to us. It just seems that the sweet attentive man I married has been abducted by aliens. We have been friends for over 31 years and I am just stunned by his behaviour.

When reality does sink in - the hurt is just unbelievable. Frankly being stunned is much better - numbness is preferable to agony.

It seems I am now on Plan B. Although it is difficult to maintain complete separation he sees me several times a week and talks to me twice daily on company issues.

I have resolved to bring wind down my involvement in his company, and sort out our finances in preparation for a permanent break. Basically to move on with life ... thank god for our dog, road trips and the soothing monotony of housework.

It just seems like such a waste.

Dear paradise,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you are living with all this.

Your post caught my eye as I have been with my H for close to 27 years and married for almost 24 of them. My H was 17 1/2 when we got together and I was just 21. Sexual experience was not our forte. My H has had 2 mini PA's and I think the lack of knowing what's out there tempted/perhaps still temps him.

What's that old saying??: Nothing in life is a guarentee except death and taxes? Feels that way.

You have come to such a great place here at MB. Helped me stay sane when I needed it most.

I don't think you should give up just yet. Keep working on your Plan A. I feel there will come a point when the OW will start to turn ugly to him. She was only meeting one of his EN's...sex. That will tarnish all too soon, when she can't support him in the way he had become accustomed to for 31 years.

Don't be hard on yourself either. A "hottie" at 50 is wonderful! Keep your chin up (to God) and let him guide you.

If you need me, I am here (you can find me also under <Old Newbie's post. Where are you> with my 2 good friends here who like to help also.)

Peace,
holiday

Thank you very much Holiday for your kind concern. I enjoyed the death and taxes remark. It is so true.

Trying to do more of Plan A than I was previously doing hasn't been successful. It is like while he is wrapped up in her I don't exist. No love bank deposits are possible there is a freeze on the account!

I thought that as you progressed in a relationship it would get easier frankly I think it gets harder. Particularly, when you have grown up together as we have - much like you and your husband.

I feel like someone has sawed up a limb but he is showing no signs of anything but a kind of delusional giddiness. He plans to buy a new wardrobe, get an new condo and redecorate it to be a bachelor pad, practically next door to me.

I don't know how much he is seeing this women or if they have progressed into a physical relationship. Or how serious he will be about her in the long run. At one point he was all charged up about one of her girlfriends. Now there is painful irony.

Men do seem to perceive the situation differently. I have had many many opportunities to cross the line and I have never given it a moment's thought because I could never imagine hurting him. He doesn't see that his behaviour is wrong in the least. I am wrong for interfering in his friendship with her. She in turn has been really aggressive with me basically trying to intimidate me into leaving them alone. Which is what I am now doing.

I always thought sex was wonderful communication and I enjoyed it but it never really gelled between my husband and I. I wish now we had taken our awkwardness more seriously and worked it out - because it has to play a role in this.

The largest part of it though I think is the admiration quotient. He loves to be complimented and she speaks in nothing but compliments.

So you are right this does seem to be a great place to go for solace and the opportunity to ramble to people who have been there.

I am thankful I have found it because I think I will need all the encouragement I can get. Before I again feel like a 50 year old hottie with my chin up.

Faith, humour, friends two legged and four legged, work, and I guess the recognition that pain is what gives definition to joy is what gets you through the hard bits.

Ultimately, I believe loving and giving in life are the most richly rewarded activities. They are the skill set you need to be truly happy. Even if for some reason it does not work out - amidst the disappointment is the ability to walk away with the skills to do it better next time.

Dear Paradise,
My husband and I have been together for 25 years and married for 23. I was 17 he was 20 when we started dating. I am so sorry you are here.

Isn't it amazing that the admiration they need is so easy for someone who isn't picking up their dirty clothes, cleaning the bathroom when they 'miss' and all those other wonderful things we do for them? That is something that has really bugged me.

Sorry, that's my vent for the thread.

I do hope that what he feels for her fades and you can work things out.

Paradise,

""I realized he had formed a very strong emotional attachment to one of my younger and quite pretty girlfriends.""

I take it she is no longer your girlfriend. I am curious if you have ever confronted her on this issue. Has he been seeing her since he left?

Is OW married? Exposing to all is a great way to stop the A..if there is one.

I would not be so quick on the trigger on calling it quits. Your H sounds like he is experiencing a mid-life crises or some revelation of mortality. A plan Aing, loving, caring, and understanding wife should be able to draw him back.

k

k

You're welcome paradise...

Yes, admiration is the key to a man (I always thought it was through his stomach, ha!).

As tough as this is, continue while you can giving him the same "compliments" and make up some she hasn't told him.

I was always dogging on my H that "he" never gave me enough compliments and what was really happening was I wasn't giving them to him (holding out so to speak).

Well, I changed it up considerably. I don't fight it anymore and boy has he changed.

I think I must tell him he's "cute" a dozen times a week and he "gloats" and in return he says a nice thing or two back. That's what was missing so much in our long term relationship...the short term lovey dovey stuff.

Don't let her intimidate you. Don't let her know anything you are doing. Keep her out of your business. Like I said, her "halo" will soon tarnish, fall off and hopefully she'll trip over it and your H's fog will lift.

holiday

Hi Krusht,


I agree it is a waste to throw away such a stable long term marriage and I am in no hurry to do that.

When I first found out about the emotional affair. It was an admission on her part. I thought at first that perhaps she was lonely and fixated on him and we could simply tone it down abit and all remain friends. We walk our dogs together - so I simply went out with her instead of my husband.

After several weeks, I had to stop because she was so manipulative, aggressive and intense - I was coming home so upset - I wouldn't sleep. She has suggested that they are soul mates, that she will be handling his divorce - she is a lawyer. I have just kept my head down and ignored her comments - changing the conversation to the weather! Now I simply don't talk to her. If he didn't see her he would call her five or six times a day. Which I noticed quite by accident on his cell phone bill one day.


Mostly, the part hardest to take was how much she seem to want him. He has I believe not seen her for long periods - but she will take whatever crumb he offers. If he is not seeing her, I have no doubt that he wants to.

This is the second time my husband has indulged in an emotional affair. The one before moved into our condominium and joined the same clubs. I have gotten the impression that these women want my life. They are attracted to us by what we seem to have as a couple but they don't realize that I am a large part of that loving generous warm fun environment. The first time it happened I just assumed that it was her chasing him, now I realize there must have been substantial encouragement on his part. I still think that what really draws him to these situations is the admiration.

I will continue to try the Plan A approach during the contact we do have. I have never indulged in love buster behaviour. I know my husband so well, it is really hard to watch him be so attracted to someone else. The saying that marriage is about being a witness to each others' life is very true. I just find it really difficult to be understanding when he is being so hurtful and totally careless of my feelings.

My husband believes I will always be there for him - that I will always love him no matter what. Any mess he makes in whatever circumstance - I will clean up. I just don't think that is true anymore.

I have no doubt there are mortality issues here at play. He has had to watch my father decline from being an incredibly smart man - to someone who needs help with the simplest tasks. It scares him. Whereas what I found amazing was how my father still managed to love so well and connect with people. My Dad was just so popular in our little community....

I have told him he should follow his heart but sort out what it is really saying. - That to throw away what we both thought until very recently was a great marriage is quite likely not going to make him happy in the long run.

Basically, everyone he talks to friend or family tells him the same thing. He is actually resentful of the consensus of opinion. Although there are only a few people he has admitted the other woman to.


Thank you very much for your perspective and for lisening. It really does help with perspective when you put your thought to paper rather than just let them spin around your brain.

I feel your pain, im kind off in the same boat as you are with my wife. I had an appointment with steve that helped alittle. You can read my story on Just Found Out - "Wifes Affair" and also by Plan B letter that stills needs some tweeking on General Discussion II - "Need help". Please look at those and we maybe can help each other through this. Keep strong, as I know it is hard.

Thank you very much Moveforward. I heard a great line on Seinfeld once about the options in life being either loneliness or irritation. All those little habits which just plain mean extra work for the person who has to clean up - are never fully appreciated by the other person until they actually have to do it themselves. Thanks again.

I guess the key to being strong is to remember them as they were before the aliens took over. Despite the fog and weird behaviour - that person is still in there somewhere. While alot of this stuff seems just out and out selfish. Everyone does have the right to make choices regarding their personal happiness and loving someone always involves the risk of being hurt. But frankly the greater risk is not to love at all because then you just never grow.

I find it just plain spooky - how this type of behaviour has such set patterns - irrespective of gender or individual.

A constructive step for your own personal peace I would guess is to ensure that the relationship your wife has with your two sons is not damaged more than need be. I would probably put the most effort into helping them understand that the human condition is fraught with fraility and that though the marriage is undergoing difficulty - she still loves them very much. That would be just good all round and show the kind of calm in the storm attitude that women find attractive.

Good luck. I think I will say a prayer tonight for all those souls out there myself included who are going to bed with tears on their pillows...

The saying a heavy heart is really true isn't it. There are moments lately when my whole body feels heavy. It just like my blood has turned to mercury - every movement is hard. When ever I'm alone I'm likely to cry or shake or just plain howl. I feel like some sorry pup who has been left on the porch all night.

When I read some of the situations described on this site of going through the same nightmare again and again it is beyond my comprehension how people find the strength to cope with this type of agony - such remarkable resilence.

My husband is still in the fog. Doesn't know what he wants. It changes from moment to moment. I am having as little contact as possible. Part of me is trying to get ready to accept it if he chooses to be with someone else. On one of the posts I've read - they suggested just treating this as mental illness - that in effect the WS is delusional and in some kind of fantasy land. That actually helps alot. I have a hard time believing that the wonderful man I married has suddenly turned into a hurtful deceitful person - crazy is much easy to cope with and probably much closer to the truth.

I have wonderful friends - they have been so good to me through this... With more time on my hands I am really begining to appreciate that how irrespective of the heartache and regardless of the outcome I am really lucky.

Glad to read you are still keeping up your humor.
I'll keep checking on you.
You are so cool (in a good way) and have a great head on your shoulders, keep it up!

P_B,

In reading this thread I was struck by something that you might want to consider and that is plan B. Here is why I say that. First, the OW's behavior is a bit obsessive, and given that she plans on handling his divorce she will be pushing him hard to get it done. That will be a huge love buster, and especially so if YOU go to plan B.

It is clear you are still meeting some of his needs by your presence in his life. It is also clear he is in the fog and the A must end before any progress can be made. You have planted the seeds with your plan A, you apparently have been dealing with this for awhile. So do an EXCELLENT plan A for a bit more, BUT start planning to go to Plan B NOW. It takes time to set it up, and structure it as needed. Start to make those plans now. Further, I would urge you to see a lawyer NOW. Get information on what you might face, and remember the OW is a lawyer, so it is likely she will not "play fair".

But, I think for your H to come out of the fog, you are going to need to go to Plan B and withdraw the support you are providing him. At first he will rush headlong to OW, and that will hurt, but once he deals with her constantly it is likely she will mess up and reveal her true character.

There are no guarentees in this stuff, but start to work the plans as described here and you might find him starting to wake up.

Just some thoughts, but please do your homework about legal stuff, plan B, AND areas where you feel you could make a change for the better if the marriage survives his foolishness.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks Holiday,

It is a day by day effort - requiring:

> numerous shoe purchases ( 4 pairs in the last 2 weeks);

>having a marathon movie watching binge of the films my husband would hate and as a consequence I never get to watch;

>not making any meals to speak of - unless you consider eating tuna on a cracker over the sink - a meal;

> spending unlimited amounts of time with friends and family doing all manner of activities often on the spur of the moment - that would bore him silly;

> ultimately remembering that no one is critically hurt or bleeding, there have been no car crashes, no deaths. This is not a lethal or permanently debilitating illness. It is just plain and simple heartache caused by one very silly man who is I guess afraid of getting old ...

Cheers,

P B

Thanks JL,

I have been trying to fashion a type of Plan B which will meet our situation. I have limited our conversations to just business with rare exceptions. I try to avoid seeing him as much as possible. I can't actually not talk to him because we are making joint decisions every day and it has to be conducted in a business like manner. I always return calls.

I have already set up a consultation with a lawyer and last week reviewed our asset structure with my accountant. Frankly, I am hesitant to bring in legal counsel at this point. I am going just so I am clear where I stand with respect to a couple of corporate issues.

I strongly suspect this woman is after our money - if she is successful in getting him to live with her - she will likely get a good portion of it.

There is not much I can do to change that fact and she knows it. Ultimately, I think of money as a number on a page. I can make more. Frankly I would gladly sign a check for everything we have - to wipe the last two years from memory.


The basic unit in every economy is trust. Money is pretend. We believe it has value so it does. Trust is not pretend it is the vital component of every human organzation, situation and condition. If my husband and I lose our trust in each other - we should expect to lose money.

Goodness - late night philosophizing!

Thanks... I will read up on Plan B strategy to see if I can tighten up my approach.

Wow, "I think I love you"(hypothetically speaking). You are truly an inspiration. Seriously.

Have you thought about writing? I think you have great words of wisdom to help others. Just a thought. Are you keeping a journal?

My ideas for you today: #1 Make sure the shoes you buy are pretty and comfortable. #2 Sit down to a pretty table setting and eat the tuna on the cracker. #3 Make sure you keep up on your physically activities. Take good care of you!

holiday

Thank You Holiday,

That is such a nice thing to say. Honestly, I don't feel terrible inspirational, I feel like a middle aged women who is plain terrified she is going to lose the only man she ever loved to someone else. Frankly, when I think of them living together my knees go weak and I want to throw up.

On a more humerous note, yesterday I dropped by with a friend to where he is living temporarily to pick up some things she had stored there and I snooped! He has a silver framed picture of our wedding day on his desk. Several bottles of MY Chateau de Sours bordeaux in the cupboard, I guess for entertaining and two bottles of wrinkle cream standing on the vanity. My 52 year old husband has raided my cosmetic drawer for wrinkle cream! He wouldn't wear aftershave for decades because he thought it was sissy.
I stood there and just roared with laughter. Maybe it is more sad than funny but it felt great to be laughing.

As to your other advise, I have booked into pilates for tomorrow and I am munching away on a fancy cut peanut butter sandwich on Carlye china. You are right it adds a certain sense of style to the everyday.

Cheers

P B

Hmmm, maybe we should analyze this?

Yes, eating your peanut butter or tuna on a cracker on gorgeous china does alot for one's soul.

Great idea taking pilates classes. I began kickboxing a few months ago. Very good for the spirit!

You truly are inspirational,

holiday

Hi Holiday,

I've been watching 'Love Actually' - It is a lovely film. There is a part where Emma Thompson's WS tells her he has been a fool and she replies with something like yes and you have made me a fool too. In fact you have made how I live my life everyday - foolish. That line is really resonating with me right now.

When I first found out about the EA. My husband told me that this friend and I use the term loosely had been coming onto to him since we first met her. That he could have slept with her at any point and that he never did.

I believe he felt virtuous. I stood there and blinked and said: "You allowed me to welcome this woman into my home and my heart. I made her dinner once a week for probably five years. I bought her lovely gifts. @#$% I bought her dogs lovely gifts.

And you knew from the very beginning that she was not my friend and would without question at some point hurt me." This decision to withhold key information was made before his feelings were engaged. Well before we got into the whole mid life angst thing.

I think he failed in the openess and honesty department but there probably should be a protection category in emotional needs. I believe if you travel through life together you should be trying to keep each safe from harm - not needlessly inviting it into your home.

Going through this is just like being on a roller coaster of hurt, anger, humiliation and that - boy was I a dumb bunny feeling.

I'm really getting tired of having such strong negative emotions. I want to be normal again.

Kickboxing is probably not only good for the spirit - maybe it would help me get rid of some steam...

Cheers,

P.B.

Love Actually and that exact scene tears me up everytime I see it. My H watched it once with me and had to put his head down.

The BS feels like a complete fool, yet this is not our fault. I always wonder how that one relationship in that movie really progressed...or not.

Your H is on a "ME" trip. The OW's true colors will show. It's only a matter of time and time is all we have. Hopefully, you will still have a shread of love in your heart when they do and will be able to have feelings for you H to recover.

Off to the gym! TTYVS,

holiday