Journal,

Plan B is completely necessary at this point - but lonely.

I have been thinking of happy moments.

In all of the years we were married, my WS had a knack for showing up when I needed him. Over the holidays one year, I was returning by train up north to meet him to go to a New Year's Eve party that evening.

The train broke down about an hour out of town in minus 20 below farenheit weather. I watched out the window as the conductor, engineer and stewards stood out in the cold with a map - trying to figure out exactly where we were. If I could paint, I would paint only tableaus of men thinking. They look so cute. It was a sunlit snowy woodland scene straight out of Norman Rockwell.

The train got really cold fast. A group of us decided to walk out to see if we could find a road. After a 15 minute hike through the woods we came upon a seldom used country lane.

As I stood stamping my feet to keep warm, my husband's little car came sailing over a rise and he pulled up to showy stop in front of me with a huge grin! Found You! He had been scouring the country side for an hour and a half from the snow bound high roads looking for the train. They knew at the station the train had broken down - they just didn't know where.

I piled in with as many other passengers as we could fit and we went back to the station to let them know where it was and then on to the party. I was proud of his resourceful determination.

Curiously, I think my husband needs me now more than he has ever needed me in his life. Completely wacko, willing to throw away a life he has spent decades building - he needs me to be resourceful/determined - to scour the high roads until I find him again.

Loving through adversity is in a way a definition of what love is or should be. I can't think of a greater test to love than adultery. Those of you out there - who have loved through the pain, deceit and violation - have truly loved ...

PB,
I have not abandoned you.
I will email you.
holiday

Journal,

Sorry I need to vent.... Just got off the phone with the pod person, who is persisting in trying to rent a condo practically next door to me - as a bachelor pad. Would I help decorate it?

I have explained to him dozens of times that it is really hurtful for me to see him with someone else and that it is completely unnecessary that he be so close. Where I would very certainly be running into him and anyone he was with. Unfortunately, I think it is not me that he is concerned with being close to. My needs or feeling don't even register with him.

There are many other very cool places to live as a single in our town. I keep stressing he could be very happy elsewhere.

I see less and less hope for us. I was praying that this would be a temporary mental clitch that he would overcome or get over - it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

I may just give in and let him live where he wants. It will mean I will have to speed up my plans to spiff up our home to sell it. So basically I can get clear.
Very tough day .....

PB,
My H thinks you H is wanting to keep tabs on everyone concerned by moving close to you and the OW. He's keeping his hands in the "mix".
Tell him to go ahead and find a place close by so he can watch how well you will be doing (and you really will).
As far as temporary mental clitch/glitch. Temporary is only how long you can take this sitch. So do the best you can for you,
holiday

Hi Holiday,

Good weekend so far, out with friends most of the time,- dim sum - old movies, today, it is errands, cleaning and putting together a plan to revamp our kitchen. I've started a scapbook of kitchen ideas that I like. A designer friend has volunteered to help.

After our talk on Friday, WS has been calling my friends and letting them know he won't be moving in nearby. That is a relief. I am not sure I really could have coped with that kind of invasive humiliation. He promised to leave me alone for two weeks - no calls - no dog pick ups - only strictly business emails.

He also has been giving my friends a long and hard go of psycho babble. How he needed to find himself and she was so appreciative and receptive blah bhah... How he never wanted to hurt me blah blah. The consensus is that his head is truly messed up and his brains are not going to unscramble soon.


Apparently, life in affair land has sprung a hitch. She has some other man now. She is less keen on my WS but I don't believe she has actually severed their relationship. She has them both on a string. Amazing! Two years ago, she was so obsessed with him and so sure he was leaving me then, she redecorated her condo to meet his taste! She spent the duration trolling outside our front door any time he might be passing through, often in increasingly scantily clad clothing - short shorts in April up here is downright chilly! Perhaps - she just wants what she can't have and when she gets it - promptly doesn't want it anymore. I can understand why this woman needs twice weekly therapy sessions!

I find I have gone from being hurt for two months to plain out and out steamed. After two years of this tacky debacle, I am thinking maybe I will just let go and move on.... Maybe I don't love him enough to stay the course and nor am strong enough to take more emotional pummeling.


I can't say I am certain of anything right now other than I really need to stay away from both of them. They make me crazy, sad, spitting mad and just so tired of the whole shabby scene. If I even see her from a distance, I have a bad day. When I hear his voice on the phone, I mentally brace myself for being hurt.

Hurt just paralyses you whereas anger has a bit of get up and go to it. I have had an easier time now in focusing on work and getting things done. There is alot to catch up on. I was a bit of a mess over the summer - not terribly productive.

I'm getting organized for the trip to eastern Europe with my brother, one of my girlfriends has opted to join us. It should be fun. I am really looking forward to being away - somewhere completely fresh. Everyone says Prague is the Paris of eastern Europe and completely enchanting. Enchanting sounds so good right now! I'm not sure of the exact itinerary but we are working on it - we will likely spend time in Croatia, Budapest and Prague.

So, how was the sushi? I love sushi. I eat it usually once a week - that or pad thai. It must be fun to be treated out to a family dinner by one of your kids - a sweet moment!

Cheers

PB

Good Afternoon PB!
Glad to hear you on a "higher" note!
The sushi was great. My son has been out on his own for well over a year (22 YOA). When he was in college at least I knew he would eventually come home. Tough knowing we only see him once in awhile when his schedule permits. He's a great son.

I am also glad to hear you WH decide to move a bit farther away from you. Good not to have to worry about possibly running in to them every day.

The OW sounds like a peach. I thought the "as soon as he's mine I move on" syndrome was something one did in high school. Sad that some people don't wish to "grow up". Your WH sounds like he might be floating in the same boat with you very soon.

Have you been reading? I just received "Animals in Translation" you recommended.

I hope you continue to have a nice weekend. I can only dream of a trip to Europe right now. Two years until Italy when our daughter graduates!

holiday

Hi Holiday,

I have always wanted to go to Italy too! I love everything Italian, the food, culture, sense of family, wine, history, shoes and handbags, glass, fashion, music, did I say shoes and handbags? I think the real joy of travel is the anticipation. I love planning trips. Whenever I was sick and confined to bed, hubby would go buy maps and travel guides to keep me happily occupied.

Every time I go to Staples to pick up office supplies, I look at the 5 disc Learn Italian programs - I may just spring for it next week. I day dream of renting a house somewhere in Tuscany for a month with friends and maybe doing day outings or may be doing nothing ...

I am rereading - Scandalous Life - A Biography of Lady Jane Digby - by Mary Lovell. It is a great read, the woman really lived - messily but clearly with passion. I am also trying to finish Over the Edge of the World by Laurence Bergreen. It is on Magellan's circumnavigation, I started it last winter and never finished it.

The WS has sent me a long email apology for thoughtless, insensitive and mean behavior? I must know he doesn't really mean to hurt me right?

We normally rent an old ramshackle but roomy cottage during the winter with two sets of friends. We entertain (nothing to sit 14 at dinner every Saturday night), downhill and cross country ski, plus lots of baking/cooking/reading/walking the dogs. I love the place. We have been renting with the same people for many years. They are family, I have watched their kids grow up. WS called them to say he will be sharing the cottage with a group of guys (divorced loser guys) and did they mind not sharing it this year? They called me to ask what was up. First I heard about it. WOW. My life is changing.... There are parts I am really going to miss.

I will need to re-invent.... That's kind of what life is really isn't it - a constant gradual and sometimes not so gradual invention. We live the lives we imagine we can.

I've been reading up on the male mid-life crisis. Damm I wish he had gone for the car. Sometimes, a life that has made someone happy for decades -just doesn't cut it anymore. They have a sense of urgency to squeeze as much living as possible into the short time they feel they have left. Always it is a different kind of living - they walk away from everything they have - searching for more. More of what I don't know maybe just more.

I'm really looking forward to the trip. My brother is an extremely frugal traveller - who has never really seen the necessity for hotels although if pressed he will admit indoor plumbing has its benefits. He has circled the globe many times on a shoe string. My shoulder was quite torn up in the accident -twice weekly physio sessions for the next four months - 45 minutes of daily exercises - or I will need surgery. It is a perfect excuse to get him to spend some time in the cities - not camped out in the wilderness absolutely every night .... I will get to shower some days - Yeah!

Cheers,

PB.

How wonderful your trip planning sounds!

I am sorry to read how painful the accident has left you and all the rehab you are going to be going through. Those are some sour lemons life served up.

I just feel that your H is going to wake up and you'll be in "Tuscany" purchasing a semi "ramshackle" (my Grandmother loved that word...must be an east coast thing) cottage to enjoy with a new set of friends (may I join you????) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I think we must continually re invent ourselves, not for the sake of others, but for ourselves. I would be pretty bored with myself if I was still doing what I was doing 20 years ago (working at a hotel desk in Laughlin, NV...yeeha!).

You are growing whether you know it or not. Right now is your time. So use it!

Aren't you glad you didn't have a mid life crisis? Think of the insurance payments on that Red Ferrari? ha!

My H's mid life (which is yearly) crisis gained us the Harley motorcycle. He then could drive himself into trouble with the A's. It's such an ego thing.

Since his second A (which related to the Harley), the OW must have placed some fear into him. He now only wants to go on trips with me going along (his safety net). His bday card inscription to me was sweet..."Thank you for being there for me all the time." And hopefully I can be.

holiday

Hi Holiday,

It is wonderful to hear how you two have overcome the whole affair thing - gaining a stronger marriage from it. It impresses me to no end. Love is really what makes life worthwhile because it is the emotion which connects us.

Last night, I did another tibetan buddist meditation session - (turned my ipod off this time.) We read a great quote by Stephen Levine in the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche: "When your fear touches someone's pain it becomes pity; when your love touches someone's pain it becomes compassion". Pity has its roots in fear, and a sense of arrogance and condescension, sometimes even a smug feeling of "I'm glad it's not me". Whereas to train in compassion, then, is to know all beings are the same and suffer in similar ways, to honor all those who suffer and to know you are neither separate from nor superior to anyone." I thought this was just a great passage and pondered it all the way home. I like going to this group - very small only four of us - but very cool thoughts...

My hubby got out voted on the cottage thing. Same people are going in as always - WS will have it most of the time I will use it at least for a couple of weekends. I do two really big weekend parties a year up there for old university and work friends. It was always a collective and not really his place to change the mix. The tribe has spoken....

Booking my airfare today - so exciting.... I love going to the airport. Even if I'm not flying anywhere - I like to go and just know I could if I really really wanted to... Sort of like always asking to hear the desert menu and relishing the thought that Creme Brulee exists only a few feet away but never actually orderiing it... It makes me happy to know its out there....

You and yours will be welcome in Italy... It will likely be two years before I get organized. You'll like the mix of people I have great friends.

You are so right, applying your imagination to how you live your life and the person you become is something you do for you....

Getting late, got to walk the dog and go do that work thing!

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

Just back from the beach, the weather is changing here, a touch of coolness in the breeze, most are wearing pants now not shorts ....

It makes me wistful, the beach has been a happy refuge .... with winter coming it means shorter walks earlier... no lollygagging for all hours walking on the shore - lisening to music or reading at a picnic table sipping Starbucks coffee ..

The dog senses it too. I had to carry him to the car today... 43 pounds of floppy passive canine resistance... but I don't want to go home Mom!

I had physio session today, ultrasound waves, electric current and something glibly called manipulation therapy (physical torture would be more accurate).

I wonder if healing your heart is like healing a torn joint. You have to work through the pain... or it doesn't heal right. I think I have to continue to love my husband - little pod person that he is - whatever happens - perhaps only to appreciate the time we had together. If I give into anger or hurt - I won't heal right.

~ ~~~~ ~~~~~

I had dinner tonight with two of our oldest friends. They believe WS is delusional, obssessed with the OW beyond reason (she is his true love), and wound up like a top - in short crazy. They don't see it changing soon. I am advised to get on with my life. Simple words but challenging to do when you have loved someone for 25 years.

It is hard to be the one being rejected particularly after so long. You feel small, embarassed, pathetic. I dread being asked questions about it and the answers even more. This has been on the horizon for two years now - but it still seems so unreal.... like it can't be happening...

How about looking at it this way: Your WS is small, embarassing! and pathetic.
You on the other hand you have stayed the course.
That's what my H meant about "not a date date", just coffee with someone of the op sex. And to place your ducks in a row concerning your business and home, just in case this doesn't blow over or you decide you don't wish to continue on the way you have been.
I think once you know where everything stands in your life with or without your WS you will have a clear place to start from.
Sorry to be so short tonight, just a challenging week so far.
You are in my prayers.
holiday
If we change the way we look at things, the things we look at will change.

Paradise,

I feel your pain. It is difficult. Continue writing here and venting. It is better to write your feelings down and not keep them bottled up inside.

Are you still working with your husband. Do you see him everyday. Are you still partners in the same company.

Innocence_lost

Hi IC,

How are you and your family doing?

I hope everybody is well ....

You're right it really helps to vent and write down my thoughts.

Life holds surprises! It is my WS's birthday on Saturday, it will be the first time in 31 years I will not be wishing him a Happy Birthday, baking a cake and making a fuss. Two years ago, I spent weeks planning, cooking, decorating for a roof top party for 50 people on his 50th. It was a great party.

We are still running the company together - largely by email. I've also hired another staff person, who works with me mostly out of our home and interacts with WS. It is hysterical. He calls her. She calls me then she calls him - very funny. We are having a good year and we needed the help.

I have only seen in him passing or from a distance for the last several weeks. He dropped by on Sept 16 the day after my accident to check on me for about five minutes. I find the less contact the better.

I have been trying to focus on just feeling better. When something like this happens it as though they have ripped out your heart... it is just that painful..

It gets better though. My days are busy, work, beach, dog walking, gym, friends, cleaning, organizing and making plans to spiff up the place before we sell it.

I can only get on with life at this point. I had lunch this week with a old friend who hadn't heard. It was dellghtful. The first normal conversation I have had in a long time. I didn't say a word - I just sat there and enjoyed normal. Next time I will mention it but it was nice to just forget about it for awhile ...

Frankly, someone always gets hurt in a break up. It is possible he may stay fogged for a good long while, it is his choice to make.... and mine to deal with.

I don't know exactly how this will play out.. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

Even the worst isn't that bad. Sitting with friends at dinner last night - I shook my head and said "S*&* happens. I have had 25 good years with him, there were very shaky points in the last two years perhaps but it has without a doubt been a blast. Besides, I have had his best years - whoever gets him now is just getting a cranky, bald, in bed by 10 p.m old @#$%%.

Saturday nignt, I will try very hard NOT to mentally picture how he is choosing to spend his birthday: open a good bottle of wine; and look at happy photos of his 30th, 40th, 50th ... basically remember all the great times.. for about an hour and then go find something else to do...


Cheers,

PB

Hi Holiday,

It sounds like you are having a harry week, I hope it settles down a bit. TGIF soon.

I'm working on my ducks... some are lined up ... some are just bobbing around all wobbly like.. it takes time ...

Honestly, Holiday, I am just not there for any kind of OP contact right now. It's been 26 years since I've dated - I know very few available single men of an appropriate age that I could imagine even a friendly coffee with - we live in a couples world. The only male in my life right now has: a keen intellect: a fun sense of humor: endless patience - (he likes to shop), a 100% loyal heart and four legs! I'm happy with that.

I look like a happily married woman. I look like part of a couple. I am slowing trying to shift that to looking like just a happy woman... It is a subtle difference...

Last night I went out to dinner clad in snug denim, wearing new red boots with the express purpose of it being reported back to the WS. The misery diet works wonders! With my husband, I would have worn, something much more formal - a sweater set or blazer.

One of our friends at dinner last night went through this in her early twenties and told me she stayed crushed for an entire year, lived at home with mom and dad, didn't work and moped. I laughed and said I'm 51 in January - I don't think I'm going to spend that kind of time moping....It has to get better soon.

It sounds like you are having too busy a week to do any reading but let me know how you enjoy Temple Grandin's book.

Cheers,

PB

Hi PB,
Took a little break from sewing...still so hot here in the Las Vegas area.

Would it be hard on you to bake your H a cake this year? How about a cake with a map on it...maybe a hint to find you soon.
Just a little thought.

May I also give you MHO on something? Try not to refer to your H as "a cranky, bald, in bed by 10 p.m old @#$%%". Perhaps that is what he thinks you really think of him and now the OW pumps his ego in the other direction. (Did I make sense?)

Hope you have a wonderful Friday,

holiday

Paradise,
Take it from someone male and trying to get back to a normal existence also, there are plenty of available men out there your age that would love to just spend some time with someone like you. I'm not talking about just to satisfy their need for SF either. I haven't been on a date in 28 years with someone other than my EXWW. I know what you mean by it being a couples world I see it every day too.
Whether we are BS's or just divorced or still single we feel the same, on the outside and looking in. Once my EXWW made it eminently clear that she was not interested in any form of reconciliation I felt like I would never again hang myself out there to be that damaged again. Then a strange thing occurred last week. An acquaintence from one of my recreational activities showed some interest in me and I asked her out. She shocked me and said "what took so long".
I think your dressing up and changing you outlook will have this same effect on your life. Others will notice and something strange and unusual will happen to you and your life will brighten up as mine did. All it took for me was to have that one date watching our favorite football teams play and dinner together. Noting more happened and I don't need anything more right now. Just to be in the company of someone who likes you and to be able to have fun with someone other than the ex meant a lot to me.
Maybe this is a false recovery of sorts for me but it sure felt good. You sound like you have started down this road already so let go of the steering wheel and see where the road will take you.

Holiday- Its cooled off up here in Reno so it should start to get better down there in Lost Wages soon. Too bad the cannon came home to Reno last week, it looks better painted blue and silver anyway!

Paradise,
I just read the rest of the thread and realized you were not divorced yet. In no way do I think you need to have an affair of your own. But maybe an evening out with someone platonic would help and your WS might get wind of it too. A Divorce Busting 180 plan maybe?

Dukhuntr

Hi Holiday,

LOL, your right as always... flattery will get you everywhere ...

It is hard. Plain hard... to sit with old friends and try to chew your food while they tell you how head over heels in love your husband is with a former friend. You just want to choke, cry, throw the dinnerware around, or politely excuse yourself to go throw up. I try instead to be funny.

I sat at the beach tonight... thinking I've lost.

Sometimes in life you come up against someone who is smarter than you are. This gal is absolutely dysfunctional but very smart. Worse yet she understands my husband better than I do - because she see him exactly as he is.

She manipulates his weaknessses. The other man on the string I will bet donuts is a closing technique... to twig his competitiveness ...

I don't see him as he is. I see him as the best he can be. I always have. That why our marriage was so easy for me. In choosing to believe in his strengths and ignoring his weaknesses I have made strategic misjudgements... She hasn't.

My friends told me that there is no way I can use the cottage this year. How, I could I stay in a room where they have been together... They are right of course. I can't. She is walking away with my life.

The last time I had such a crystallized realization I was not as bright as I thought I was; I was locked out of a hotel room standing in the corridor holding a VERY small handtowel, wearing glasses nothing else and lisening to the bath run inside.... Never lean out to place something on a room service tray - unless you're wearing a bathrobe at least!

I have to hunker down, do a great 180 and Plan B and hope she mucks up...or that at some point his heart will discern the difference between love and manipulation.

For the duration, your right again this is my time to explore, reinvent, grow and do whatever helps me keep it light. Today that meant going to the beach twice. The dog and I are going to have chicken soup for dinner and watch Jimmy Stewart in Harvey...

I hope it cools down for you. Have a great night!



Cheers,

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments.

Life is a journey isn't it. One minute you look around and you think this is great and poof it shimmers and disappears.

You sound like you are through the worst of starting over and on the climb back to normal. I bet it is a great feeling. Companionship and sharing are two of the big pleasures in life, and I'm happy you have connected with someone that brings that alive for you again.

One of the reasons I think infidelity is so hard to deal with it - is there is no more profoundly personal blow to your self esteem. It has to top the charts for that.

Rejection is always hard to deal with but when it breaches the connectedness that is a marriage it is just a !@#$% to get through.

I do feel like I am wandering around missing an appendage, I do look in the mirror and wonder if she is that much prettier, sexier or whatever.

In a way having this happen, later in life makes it easier. I also know who I am, what I am capable of, how as yet there has been very little I have been handed that I could not make better by just being patient, thoughtful creative or trying hard.

At some point in the future, I will be wearing my new red boots and making some guy laugh over coffee - but in my heart of hearts I'd really like it to be the same guy I have been making laugh for the last 25 years... he always gets my jokes!

Cheers,

PB

Paradise,
I can't imagine a guy who would walk away for from someone who can express their thoughts and emotions so well. Your writing skills and the way you express yourself are captivating and eloquent. You also have the patience to be a MC or IC for a living. Not once in all of your posts have you ever taken anyone to task or snubbed them in any way. I read some of the replies and I would have been hard pressed not to respond in kind. You on the other hand turned the table on those posts and did it in a way that made them "enjoy the journey".
I hope you continue your journal and consider expanding on it. I for one would be first in line to buy the complete story no matter what the outcome. If I were to guess I'd say your WH is in over his head and if he has an ounce of sense he will be back with his tail between his legs wondering what was in that infidelity cocktail the OW was serving.
I am wishing the best for you and just say the course you have chosen it's the most straight forward and rational approach I have seen in all of the lurking I have done these past few months. It's certainly not the easiest but it may be the best I've heard. It's not for the faint hearted thats for sure. But from the sound of it you are more than up to this task. I know I fear for your WH should you really get angry with him. I cant see him staying up with you verbally , mentally or in any capacity.
Hang in there we are all rooting for you.

Dukhuntr