Journal,

I can't sleep so I thought I would journal ....

I really miss the dog. It is amazing how a 43 pound bundle of fur can change the atmosphere in a room to homey and alive just by being there.

We sleep together, he snores, and sleeps diagonally so as to take the maximum amount of space, on his back - four paws in the air.

Sometimes at night, I sniff his paws, they smell of seaweed if we have been to the beach. They tell me of his travels. I love dog paw smell.

I think dogs can smell exactly what we have been eating, doing, where we have been, our health issues. I suspect, they even know when you last had sex. I had the begining of this conversation with a friend at the beach last week. We were holding onto each other laughing at the thought of what if humans could do that. If you could sniff someone and think "Oh lucky you - so it was this morning and oh my not with your wife." It would certainly knock the PA business back a step.

In Temple Grandin's book Animals in Translation she has a great section on how when humans and dogs got together, both species brains shrunk - a sign of domestication. We domesticated them. They domesticated us. I mean if aliens landed and saw me walking behind my dog picking up poo - who would they think is the dominant species.

I believe my dog is as smart or smarter than I am about some things and I pay attention to him now. He intensely disliked the OW, wouldn't let her touch him, barked at her all the time. He was definitely trying to tell me something.

Last week I was in a park sitting on a bench with the dog, when another dog we know joined us. He refused to leave. He does this all the time. He sits all meek like in front of his owner but doesn't budge. His owner apologies, says he never disobeys him, that he must really like us.

I looked in that old dog's light brown eyes. "You sly old thing. You smell defatted chicken broth with a touch of garlic and basil on my dog's whiskers. You know he is 8 years old but has perfect teeth (Electric toothbrush-poultry flavored toothpaste! Takes a few months of patient training.). You can see he has alot of fun - it shows in how he moves. You are thinking - yep - she the one Dad. I will bet donuts - that dog's owner is single. His dog is trying to tell him something.... How funny! When he gets put on a leash and trotted away he always looks back...I always smile at him... you sneaky old thing."

They are shrewd. My dog picked me - not the reverse. I was going to adopt a little beautifully groomed cocker spaniel in the cage beside him. Every time I went to pet the cocker spaniel, my dog would groan. So I went over to pet him. He had been starved and beaten for 18 months, weighed all of 20 pounds, a little skelton, completely shaved, except for his head which was a white puff ball. He looked like the dog from Mars Attack. It took me over an hour to convince the WS that this was the one - am I ever glad I did.

Now I think we pretty much have some kind of telepathy going. I find it most poignant when I see him with his Dad. My WS will bend down, the dog jumps up puts his paws around his neck and furiously face licks for all he is worth - tail going like a band. Then he looks over at me... as if to say "Trust me Mom ... Dad is still in this Pod Person, I can smell him....

There is a great website called petfinder.com - you type in you postal or zip code - what you are looking for and it does a geographic proximity search for you.... very handy if you are looking for a great friend.

PB - We have had a daschund since my daughter was 2 (she's 11 now). He is such an integral part of our family. Looking at pictures/video of my family over the last 10 years you see him everywhere. People love him, he is a calm sweet dog that will do anything for a treat. I have never owned a dog for this long, he truly is like our short son (that's what we call him sometimes). He turns 10 this month, I can still remember the day we picked him up. He was so scrawny and shook for a week straight, we thought he was defective!

I love the way he tries to guess my moves, he'll take off walking into a room he thinks I'm heading for. Then he'll come back out with that cute little "where did you go?" look on his face.

I know what you mean about smell, sometimes when he's laying with me, watching TV, I catch a whiff of his doggie smell and it makes me nostalgic. The one thing on him that doesn't smell so good is his breath. I tried the electric toothbrush, I got tired of wrestling him. He clamps his mouth shut and makes it hard to get open.

My family will be heart broken with it's the little guy's time to go. My son will only know him as an older, cranky dog. My daughter loves him tremendously, she will be crushed when he is gone.

It's funny how comforting their unconditional love can be in trying times.

Good afternoon,

On the subject of our wonderful canine friends...our little puppy of 12 1/2 years is not doing so well. We had gotten her from an animal shelter when she was a puppy who someone had abandoned on a busy hwy on Memorial Weekend near the river (Colorado River) in 115 + degree heat.

Shes a cutie. We think part pom and sheltie. She has been so good to us all these years, but when we moved to this new house 2 years ago, the two sets of stairs are taking a toll on her hind legs and God forbid she couldn't go up or down those stairs to follow your every move.
We try to keep her comfortable. Vet thinks she might have congestive heart failure as she coughs and hacks alot.

On a more pleasant note...I always thought paws smelt of Fritos! or corn chex, ha!

I hope the rest of this beautiful fall day is good to all of you,

holiday

I've got one!

He will kiss the hand that has no food to offer; he will lick the wounds and sores that come in encounters with the roughness of the world... When all other friends desert, he remains.

- Goeorge G. Vest

Hi Holiday, Dukhuntr, familycomesfirst,

Well it is 8 hours until I either fly out or cancel. Last night my Dad was doing better, eating, resting comfortably but not moving around much - still pretty much confined to bed. I am going this morning for another visit. I still haven't made my mind up on whether or not to go or cancel.

Hope you have a great 10 days if I go and if I don't go .. I'll talk to you soon...

Cheers,

PB

If you go, I will continue prayers for your Dad and that you have a safe and wonderus trip!
Peace,
holiday

Hi Holiday,

I hope you are well. Cooler there?

Well, it could not have been much more last minute, but after much discussion, I did eventually go. My Mom basically was not going to let me stay if she had anything to do with it and she has lots to do with everything! She is very tiny, but on a cellular level - there definitely are steel atoms in my Mom - tough should have her picture by it in the dictionary.

Your prayers must be working.. because Dad has been looking gradually better each day. I have been saying prayers for your Dad too - for him to be healthier and more self aware.

I have been learning these beautiful sanskrit blessing mantras. I say them daily - misprouncing them terribly - but I am sure all is understood. I find praying to be a very calming practice.

I have a spifffy new cell phone that is set up to let me take calls where ever I am in my travels - I can talk to Dad each day.

The dog is with Daddy.

Interesting day... a quick jaunt to the beach... a long visit with Dad ... then home to speed pack... 15 minutes ... then out the door. Caught my flight, missed my connection.. stuck in Newark for a 24 hour delay! Yowser..

So I have lots of time on my hands. I may try to do a little sight seeing in Manhattan before I fly out. I love the Metropolitan Museum of Art - probably one of my favourite places in the world. Or I may just loaf about. I believe loafing is an entirely under-rated activity. I particularly like loafing after someone has brought coffee to my room - to me that is decadence!

I immediately fell asleep on the plane as soon as I sat down. It has been a tiring week. Lots of driving, long days, stress, worry, high and lows with Dad, plus a heavy work week.

Odd you know - you never know what is going to happen in any given day. Here I sit in Newark, when I should be on my way to Paris. Eating tuna sandwiches with another waylaid traveller, a dance therapist from Switzerland.. talking about Indonesia...to find that he was visiting his sister-in-law who practically lives next door to my Mom.

Life is just an interesting circle...

Cheers,

PB

PAradise,
I'm glad to hear you are going. Now you can "let go of the wheel" for a good long time and enjoy yourself. It figures your would find a handsome(I'm sure of this) and foreign "fellow traveler" to pass the time with. Although I have never seen you I'm sure between your looks and the wit,and charm you posess you don't sit too long by youself in a public place. Enjoy the attention and take some solace in that if WH doesn't dislodge his head from his [censored] there are other roads for you to travel.

I have been thinking about your comment on perspective regularly. All of the things a WS puts us thru are emotionally damaging and stressful but we always need to remember that life could be worse. A good friend of mine went in for treatment of what he thought was a bad back. He is a Dentist and has regular back aches. This time it was particularly constant and more painful than usual so he went in to see a real ortho Doctor. He has pancreatic cancer and has become so sick now he cannot eat. They cant start chemo either. Now they have sent him home to spend his last days with his family. He is amazing. He is planning the celebration of life for himself. He has made everyone promise no funerals and no wake of any sort. He wants a big party to remember him by. I have many fond memories of hunting, fishing and parties we shared and this would match his life perfectly. His nickname in our group was Dr. FUBAR. An acronym for the condition he usually became after a day of hunting or fishing. We will all miss him dearly.In reference to perspective I would much rather be where I am than where he is. I would not want to be his spouse or his children either. He set a very high standard as a husband, father and friend.

Have a wonderful trip and enjoy all you can!

dukhuntr

Holiday,
We haven't heard much from you lately! You must be really working those fingers to the bone! I hope all is well with you and the H. Any other signals lately? Hopefully it was just a bad day for him and you got the wrong feeling from his words and actions. Men do that a lot and if you don't ask he probably won't voluntarily tell you what was up. Take it from someone who has learned a lesson in communicating the hard way.

I tried to deal with my problems on my own and not worry the EX. She sensed the problem and when I did not share the issues she felt left out and pushed away. All I wanted to do was spare her the worry when she could do nothing to help. Not the right wat to handle things on a R. A hard way to learn a valuable lesson!

Have a great weekend!

dukhuntr

Hi,

Well after 42 hours in transit, another 2 hours ¨searching for the right charger for my cell phone, another 4 hours of walking around because my brother would not let me go to bed too early - to ensure I would be on the right sleeping schedule. I got to go to bed. I was practically vibrating I was so tired.

Prague is beautiful. It is old, rich with history, and a language which neither of us understand - even alittle.

The metro is magnificent, with the most incredibly scary escalators -I have ever been on -extremely steep-fast- kind of like being on an amusement ride without being strapped in.

It is great having the phone. I fretted all the while I was in transit, but Dad has been doing better each day. This should be a great trip. I usually only get to spend about a week with my brother every year - so to squeeze in an extra 9 days with him is a treat.

I am sitting in one of many cyber cafes in Prague, the keyboard is different so please excuse anÿ typos. We plan to spend most of this trip in the city because I want to make sure I am in areas where there is good cell reception -¨no cycling.

Funnÿ the places you find yourself. Standing on the Charles Bridge, getting a business call and politely telling them now I will get back to them on something. Our world has just amazing technology.

Got to go... we are on the move to catch a tour... hope everyone is well...

Cheers

PB

Hello everyone,

I had the most enjoyable Friday evening reading all your posts. I felt like I was reading a page turning novel, except I was one of the main characters. I can identify with so much of what you are posting on this thread. I have been talking a lot to my sister and brother and feel as though they are tired of it. My sister in particular is quickly losing patience for what she sees as my obsession with WS and the meaning of his actions & words. When I read on this board I find that I am not crazy and my feelings are validated.

My quick sitch: WH (together 23 years)EA/PA I believe started in Jan '05. Confronted him 4/05, he denied it, moved out 5/05 - still denying, need space, just want to be alone, promise you'll always be my friend, etc. A month later he filed for divorce. He is confused and not sure now if its the right thing but he is still going full throttle with this OW. He tells me he loves me, but we are getting a divorce. Go figure. I am trying to find a job, a place to live, etc. etc. etc. Some days I am great and feel I will have a fabulously happy and fulfilled life and other days I never want to get out of bed. The loneliness can be excrutiatingly painful. Anyway, I'm chipping away at it all and am glad I have company for the ride.

Paradise,
As I started to read your posts, the first thing I thought was oh, he'll come running back in no time. Sybil has nothing on you! I really cannot imagine the charade continuing for very long, especially when he gave up someone like you. I guess that's what is hard to comprehend. Here are all these loving spouses posting on this board. We all realize we have been human and made mistakes in our relationship but we still dig down deep and find infinite love in our hearts to patiently wait for our spouses who have just about destroyed us in their (IMHO) selfish quest for fulfillment. As Dorothy found out in the Wizard of Oz, the answer is within and we all have always had it. We need look no further than ourselves to solve our unhappiness.

I love Frank Pittman and thought he summed the situation up pretty well in this comment:

After 42 years of working with over 10,000 couples in various states of crisis, I can confirm that divorce has already become increasingly popular and is now considered not just normal but the expected and perhaps inevitable final chapter of marriage. Divorce is considered, by the media, by the TV and newspaper advice giving "experts," and even by many of the professional therapists, particularly the youngest and least experienced ones, to be the treatment of choice for mild depression ("I’m just not happy,") for unpleasantness ("I felt verbally abused") and for sexual attractions to passing strangers or casual friends ("I must not be in love with my mate.") All baby boomers are sure they deserve an ideal partner and when they discover they don’t have one they know they should be free at any moment to dump this imperfect one, put the kids in storage, and go back to the perfect partner collection for another try.

I imagine right now my husband thinks he plucked one from the "perfect partner pool". Time will tell. Although, to be quite honest, I live in fear that he did and I'm history. Anyhow, I admire all of you for your grace, honesty, and love. May it be returned to you tenfold.

Hello shattered, nice to meet you. I'm sorry to hear how your husband is acting. Sounds like a mid-life crisis, like PB's husband.

You sound like a very nice person. Your husband must be crazy.

I know what you mean, too many people are just giving up these days. They throw in the towel way too soon. I hope that doesn't happen with me and my H. We are happy now, who knows about 5 years from now. I know how things can change.

Anyway, I wish you luck. You'll get lots of great support here.

Hello Family Comes First - Good Name! It is nice to meet you as well. I wish you and your husband all the best in your recovery.

Shattered, I'm glad you found the forum, and welcome.

Would you consider that you in Plan A right now?

NTL

Hello Shattered,
Sounds like your WH and my WW read the same novel. Seems to me that telling the truth becomes painful for them at some point in an A and all manner of stories spew forth. From your post you seem to be handling it almost as well as paradise. We all have the painful days and how you deal with them is different for all of us. I hope you dont spend too many days in bed but remember that's up to you now. Go out and treat yourself to something you have been putting off or just never had time to do. Glad to have you here, there are some great minds posting here with truely insightful thoughts. Use them to help you as I have and enjoy paradise's journal. It's going to be published someday if we have our say!

dukhuntr

Hi Everyone,

I was thinking today my WS thinks life is a buffet and would just like to order another dish. They don¨t necessarily want to end the relationship... they would just like another course. that is not on the menu.

Sorry you are here Shattered. I think sometimes you will never really know the reasoning behind their actions. Probably because they don't either.

Enjoying Prague immenselz, it is just a great place to visit.. wonderful music, food, beautiful vistas, a verz livelz place. We went to the Reduta Jazz Club last night, Bill Clinton played his sax there once. The place was full... every seat taken..some were even dancing1

Tonight it is an Organ Recital in one of the many very beautiful churches. We have been out early day, walking, doing the galleries, sites...museums... interesting place.

Travel is great when you are hurting. It takes your mind of things. You are surrounded by new things, sounds, smells... and there is no time to dwell on what is bothering you.

Sorry got to go...¨

Cheers,

PB

Pardon the typos = very different keyboard

Hey guys,
You are going to love this one from the EXWW. I have been avoiding all contact with her and on Friday the day before my birthday she e-mails me. Basically a nice birthday wish. I thanked her and she responded with some stuff about our kids that needed little to no attention at all. First contact other than about the kids in 45 days.

Next thing I know she is in a full rationalization of why she she started her A and then she tells me I would have done the "same thing if I were in her shoes". Right down to the part where she said "I must have been craving attention more than I thought". Happy birthday huh! Well I got mildly aggitated(grinding my teeth) and I did a full description of how I felt about the OM, his morals and his ethics. Today I am getting e-mails from her friends telling me to grow up. She told them I went off for no reason and got nasty with her. All I said about her was I still loved her and I would always be nice to her. And that I still held some hope that we might be a family again.

Can the fog be so thick as to confuse disrespect and venom directed towards the OM as directed towards her? Can a WS be so focused on the OP as to take OP criticisms personally? It certainly appears so to me. It doesn't make sense but nothing in her A has so why should this be any different I guess. Weird part is it hasn't upset me near as much as I would have expected. I am starting to feel detached from her and sorry for them both. Maybe a sign I just need to stay as far away from them as possible and let their house of cards come down without my input at all.

Wish me luck I am starting to enjoy listening to her rationalizations. Each one is new and different and it is fun to nit-pick the discrepencies in each new version.

dukhuntr

Hi Duck Hunter,
Happy belated birthday! It's interesting that she contacted you for your birthday. I bet she spent a lot of time thinking about if she should call, what she should say, etc. That means something, you are still on her mind. The rationalization is just the guilt. I think it's the only way they can come to terms with the person they've become. I also had some choice words for the OW. I hadn't really said anything about her before but suddenly I was feeling a lot of anger towards her. It was our anniversary a few weeks ago (or would have been) and we were together to discuss some issues. I told WH what I thought of "her" and her morals, etc. and that he should pass that on to her and say happy anniversary for me. He also stuck up for her and said something to the effect that I can't blame her for what happened. Oh yeah, she's just an innocent bystander in all this, right? Anyway, I figure I have to keep my comments to myself about her because it just backfired into him having to stick up for her and I certainly don't want that.
I feel for you and I can feel the love you have for your wife. Lots of people get divorced and remarried, you never know. Hang in there.

Have I been doing a plan A or a plan B? No. Well, maybe a half baked Plan A with intermittent LB's. I guess I don't have a lot of hope but I want to have hope. I'm just afraid it might be emotional suicide to start pining away for him in the hopes he'll come back. But the more I read here, maybe I should try a firm Plan A. But then again, when I try to act that way, I feel like I'm just making this all so easy for him to carry on his affair and eat his cake. He has told me many times he wants to "be friends" with me. I figure that's his guilt, he won't have to feel bad about what he's done to me. So Plan A confuses me.

What do you think of this. I got a card in the mail from WH today. It was kind of a support card I guess. Said I know you're having a tough time right now, but there is nothing I can say to take that away (oh yes there is!). It went on to say so let's talk about how wonderful you are . . . what a strong person you are . . . you will make the right choices with whatever life hands you. Then he signed it Love always. What the? This was a printed card, not his words. I feel like the other shoe is about to drop. I want to think that this card means something like he's still not sure about what he's doing, etc. but I don't know. Do wayward spouses that have filed for divorce usually send you support cards for pain they're causing you and sign it "Love always"???? How do I respond? I didn't tell him I received it yet.

Hello,

Hope you are all well...sorry to be MIA. Very busy weekend and now with H in school and home almost every night (first time in over 22 years as being a firefighter has kept him away 24 hours at a time). I'm now cooking bigger meals etc and not too much "me" time lately.

PB...glad to see you writing from abroad. How wonderful to wake up each morning in a beautiful place. (Hey how about naming your journal...book..."Writing from a Broad" with no disrepect of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.)

DH...happy belated birthday! Hmm, the wife, wow. Can't quite figure that one out. And why do her friends feel the need to "save" her (stick up for her) to date?

Shattered, welcome...sorry to see you here, but I hope we all can help each other in some way.



I don't think so. Sounds like he's being pressured in some way and is still very confused. Does the OW know he's sending you cards? I doubt it. I don't think I would respond to it. But continue your firm plan A. I don't think it's showing the WS that you condone the A, just that you are a person with a great heart.

holiday