Writings from a Broad,

Hi Holiday,

I love it... great phrase. I'm sitting in a cyber cafe, drinking a very large expresso. Cold here, I actually have on my pyjama top under my zip up fleece, mid 50s. We have a small bag syndrome in our family - never travel with more than a very small satchel - mind is the size of a briefcase. The end result is that there is not alot to choose from if you get the weather wrong. Reminds me of being a kid, something I would routinely do, wear my pyjamas under my clothes, they are cozy and it makes you feel like you have not really gotten out of bed yet.

How long is hubby in school. I hope you get some me time soon.

Dad is doing well,his voice was really strong and normal last night. It is great having the phone, it allows me to relax.

I'm enjoying my time with my brother. He is mÿ big brother so prone to being a tad 'organized' shall I say. He is very bright, speaks five languages, chess master in his teens.. the only areas where I was able to best him were sports and whistling. Poor man just can't whistle. All through our growing up together, whenever he was being bossy, I would just smile at him and whistle... still am...
Let me take that back, he is sitting beside me at another terminal... counting on his fingers... not good with numbers my bro...

I've been missing my dog terribly... not hubbÿ..just the dog.. Prague is a great dog city. Dogs go everywhere, shopping malls, offices, hair salons... Opps a dog just walked into the cyber cafe ... at first I thought he was on his own... but he did decide to bring his human.

They are very family oriented. The city shuts down after midnight.. metro closes...Children are the centre of things here.

Music is very big .. particularly classical music.

I'm very glad I decided to go.. I've not shed a single tear since I packed my bag...

Take care...

Cheers,

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY..

I hope you had a great day. It makes me hope things may look up for you two...if she still remembers the important dates.

Dissing the OP is a lost cause. It does more harm than good... far better to not to think of them at all. Truth is that it takes two to tango..

It is refreshing to be away. I have virtually stopped thinking about all the sad stuff. So much better not to be trying to understand something which is not rational.


I watched an inflight movie on the way out in french which translated to 'The Beast Rising'. It was the story of my life. Hubby leaves nice long term wife for new bit of fluff. It ends with the wife writing a stage play and being very successful... She reinvents herself... there is a lesson there.

Opps my brother has finished and is sitting with his satchel on his lap giving me long pointed looks.. I've got to go..

Kid sister's lot in life to always be running to catch up


Cheers,

PB

Shattered,
Keep up on the plan A as long as you can hold out and feel good about yourself doing it. Plan B is rough for the first few weeks. NC is harder to maintain than you can imagine. When it gets to the point you just can't resist the LB's that's when you go to plan B. Hang in there and emulate paradise, she doe's this with style and class. Your card and my e-mail are signs that our WS's really may still have a conscience and take it as a sign there is hope. Granted they may just feel some need to show us some sympathy to feel better about themselves.

I have given up trying to figure out what my EX is thinking when she does this stuff. The fog they are in doesn't allow for much logic. Take care of yourself and pay attention to your life and let your WS sort himself out.

dukhuntr

Hey Holiday,
I have been wondering how you are doing. Sounds like your hands are full and your schedule is really booked up. I think back to those days in my life and miss them. Everyone is so busy life seems to find a natural and even balance on its own. It's those times when one spouse or the other is idle and the other busy that create tensions and LB's IMHO.

Yes my EX's friends that remain feel some weird compulsion to defend her at every opportunity. Mind you there are only two or three that feel this and all of them have had divorces in recent years. They seem to feed off of one another in a defensive mode. I have always hoped one of them would encourage the EX to look at what is going on and think. None of them will associate with the OM that I know of. All of them have told me they beleive he is all wrong for her and just want to be there when he dumps her. She was there for them and they feel the need to return the compassion. Not one of them has ever had the fortitude to tell her this stuff straight out though. I think they have a better understanding of her emotions than I do and wont diss him for fear of alienating her like I have.

Take care and don't be such a stranger. I have missed your posts.

dukhuntr

Paradise,
You sound truely happy and stress free. Good for you! And from what I hear you are not "at the wheel", your brother is. Live it up and don't miss a single opportunity to do anything. Thanks for the birthday wish it was a great weekend with the kids.

My dog is all worn out and beat up from hunting 5 out of the last 10 days. Poor thing is out of shape from inactivity while Dad was in his funk. She was so tired at one point I could not coax her out of her kennel even with dog cookies. She was in the back of the truck and was afraid if she got out I would leave her in camp one afternoon. Too tied to move but afraid to miss a hunt! I have enjoyed watching her do what she was bred to do more than anything else this season. Watching her work is a thrill all its own and she has matured into a teriffic retriever.

I know what you mean about dissing the OM it did not help me in the slightest. I have never done it before and I should not have this time either. It gives him more credibility than he deserves. I just lost it when the EX suggested that I would have done the same thing she did if I were in her shoes. She e-mailed me yesterday and said she wanted NC now with me. I simply said that was what I requested months ago and I was fine with that. Shortly after that is when her friends started chiming in. Who knows what is happening! I am just going to do my own thing and try to be more like you in the way I go about life. Live for now, not what life was before. I even went down and got some info on Scotland and Ireland. I have always dreamed of going there to play golf and visit the single malt scotch distilleries I enjoy so much.

Have a great time the rest of your trip and keep the journal going! This could be at least one chapter and maybe two by the time you are back.

dukhuntr

Journal, ¨

Just landed in Cesky Krumlov, a truly beautiful world heritage site - postcard quaint.

Travelled here by train, on a sunny crisp fall day. We are staying at a historic inn and looking forward to a walk about and visiting the local sites.

Being away has been great for my frame of mind... it reinforces what you sometimes forget... that it is a very big interesting world out there...

Scotch and golf... sounds like the makings of happy memories... go for it dukhuntr..

Checking out... pun intended..

Paradise

Oh, it sounds beautiful...you and your words.
Hope the weather stays nice throughout your journey...

As for H paramedic class...it's for the next 8 months. He took another test today and is ready to give up. We sat and I read him his books today. He has always had difficulty (since his school days) with reading comprehension. If he reads aloud or with someone reading he retains alot more information. He wanted to be tested for AADD (?) but is in fear that that will be something frowned upon in the future when applying for promotional tests etc.

Oh well. The stress level will remain in our home for sometime. This is when I worry about him the most...when he doesn't feel confident in himself. He was talking about a trip to CA for a meeting (we have invested in stocks with a genetic testing company) to hear the latest information. I told him, unless I was going with him, I felt it wouldn't be a good idea. He agreed .

Off to finish making dinner,

holiday

Hi Holiday,

It sounds like you two have set up a strategy to deal with away or stress related temptations. I'm glad... who needs more complications.

I!ve spent alot of time trying to remember things prior to an exam only to know I will immediately forget them afterwards. I always found writing things out to be helpful... also explaining them to someone else.... is good too.. it makes you express the info in a way that helps you understand...¨

It is really beautiful here but nippy... Enjoying both the time with my brother and the sites... I lucked out in the brother department... he is a great guy... a truly nice person...

He has actually been trying to give me compliments... not a behaviour I have ever seen from him... I guess he thinks I need them right now ... very sweet..

Getting away has been great... it just helps to be forced to think of other things... I!ve spent way too much time this past summer thinking about - just awful stuff.

I hope you enjoy your road trip...sounds like it will be fun.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

Awoke with a start this morning around four a.m., I dreamt I heard my WS calling my name. It was so loud and clear... spooky..

I read for an hour..then turned off the light and lisened to my current favourite K.D.Lang album..then promptly got weepy ... so I dressed and walked up to the castle around five thirty a.m. Streets were deserted.. sat up on one of the benches on a high stone bridge and waited for dawn with my camera ready.

This is a just fairy tale setting. Incredibly beautiful... Enjoyed the dawn with a very shy Japanese couple ... who sat huddled together in the chill ... our breath forming clouds of vapour in the air.

Healing is a funny process.. there are moments when I think I am completely over it. Then other moments where it is so completely fresh. The pain, bewilderment, disappointment are like it just happened yesterday.

I still do not understand after truly loving a woman for twenty five years how you can suddenly decide you are not in love any longer. I know my husband really loved me. I have absolutely no doubt of that. I suspect I will never understand what happened to that love.

I am not sure what is happening to the love I have for him either right now. It seems to be spiraling slowly down into the realm of memory. The kind of reverie, you need to shake yourself out of because it no longer appears to be part of today's reality.

Even through the darkest phase
Be it thick or thin
Always someone marches brave
Here beneath my skin...

have a beautiful day!

Paradise,
Yes we all wonder how a WS can turn their back on their former life and love so quickly. I myself have asked her that over and over. I don't think they know what changed for them. Dr. Haley is right in that we are all wired for an A. Given the right set of circumstances and an OP with lower morals than what I call "a normal person" any of us could stray. I like to think I am above that but maybe I have never had the right combination of circumstance and OP in my life. I know I beleive I would never be able to actually do this, but I never imagined someone I was with for 28 years could either.

I think once your have crossed the boundary into an A you have to do so many mental gymnastics to rationalize what you have done that the love and respect for the BS has to be locked away and ignored. Simple problems in the relationship have to be magnified to emense proportions, important dates and events trivialized. All manner of thought has to change to allow for the emotional and spiritual pain you are inflicting to be made meaningless or less important to you. All emotion and energy are transferred over to the OP in huge amounts and over a short period of time. I have a theory that this just does not leave room in their emotions for the BS to receive any consideration and certainly not any simpathy. WS are in the mindset that the old relationship is dead now that discovery and exposure has occurred. Their focus is now squarely on the OP to meet all their needs. And all we can do is wait and see if they can suceed.

I myself find it hard to beleive someone could replace us after such a long marriage. I felt a connection to my EXWW that was as clear and strong as ever even during the first eight months of her affair. It is going to take a very giving and focused individual to fill these roles and keep the A alive. That is our hope , that the OP really is the shallow, incomplete person we see them as and the A will lose it luster and rational thought will return to the WS.

I hope all goes well today on yur trip. You sound wonderful and light hearted until you speak of your sich. Being in such a wonderful setting would inspire some reflection and that's not all bad sometimes. Keep it positive because you are still an articulate and wise person who will come out of all of this better off no matter how it ends.

dukhuntr

Hi Holiday, ¨

What a lovely poem. Thank you.¨¨

How are you doing... Sounds like between running your ebay business, your family and your home, it has been really busy.

Life is like that sometimes. There are just big chunks of time or years where it is difficult to feel like you get any time for you. Either work, family or other priorities are running large.

When I was really booked up. I would often stay up late a couple of extra hours or get up earlier by a couple of hours to read, or poodle about - just so it did not always seem like I was absolutely having to be somewhere or do something I couldn't really control. Of course the end result is you just get really tired -not always the answer.

Now I have more time than I have had in decades and it seems to stretch out to the point where I have to plan to fill it up. I like being busy but busy takes focus, concentration and discipline. My focus, concentration and discipline pretty much tanked this summer. I suspect that will improve as I mend.

Travelling in Europe has been a very interesting experience. As I sit in Cesky Krumlov, I am only an eight hour train ride through the Austrian Alps to Venice. Everything is so close, incredibly diverse and rich with history. There is a patina to life here of ages past that you can practically touch.

Wishing you a great day with your family and friends.. with hopefully at least an hour for you to just be.

Cheers,

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

Thank you for your thoughtful perspective. We are both living a very old story ... One that is being played out somewhere virtually every second to someone. It helps to know how other people cope. To know that others find it as difficult to deal with as I do..

Life is such a subjective experience. I would love to hear an uncut unedited version of my husband's viewpoint. I suspect I would both laugh and cry.

He has been telling people, that we both agreed to end the marriage, we both were finding it stale, we will continue to be each other's best friend, we will continue to work together and oh he has met someone new who is delightful.

My husband always was one of the most direct, honest people I have ever met. Never any icing on the cake with him, just the straight goods. To hear that he is lying like this makes me just shake my head.

I believe triangles are difficult for all three parties. Often the OW is hurt, humiliated, used. The WS has to practically deconstruct themselves to live with their dissonance over their actions sometimes. Other times I think the power of their wants just floods away all reasoned thought. The BS well we feel plain hurt, abused and out and out dumb or any combination of the above.

Triangles suck... With that less than clever thought I will sign off and catch up to my bro who wants to hike the hills today.. I will look around with open eyes, glad to be here, alive, vertical and breathing.

Every experience you have - bad or good has elements that you can learn from to make your life better, you better...

Cheers,

PB

PS...PB, poem from "Constantly Craving"...my KD Lang favorite!
Have a great day,
holiday

Journal,

Funny, how when you live with someone for so long, you use their brains to store info. I had to give a little talk before I left for my trip. I found myself driving around close to but not at where I had to be. I ended up pulling over and calling my WS to ask for specific instructions.

His brain holds all my finding places info, all mechanical skills and understanding. Pumping gas is a relatively new life skill for me. I am a 50 year old woman, who until very recently never pumped gas. It just magically appeared in my tank. If I was running low, the maybe five or six times a year I would just go to a full service bay and smile. Easier for me and an absolute treat for the dog... a legitmate cause apparently to go into a barking frenzy with his tail pounding out a fierce crescendo.

One day last summer, driving down from up north in a teary fog, I managed to pull up to a diesal pump had the nozzle in my car before I realized what I was doing. Fortunately, it didn't fit. I then promptly felt like a complete fool, pulled up to a correct pump, and locked the keys in the car, on a very hot afternoon, with the dog inside and a long line of weary gas hungry travellers lining up behind me.

I stood there, set my timer on my watch and with a full adrenalin rush, ran around until I had found a coat hanger, and screw driver, I had the car door open in four minutes. My husband would have done it in 90 seconds. When it did finally swing open, to my dog's delight, I thought hey I can do this.

I will have to start doing things I am really bad at. I have for example never checked my oil, don't know how, never changed a tire, don't know how. I can paint, wallpaper and change light bulbs that is about it. Fuses would be a challenge.

Amazing how there are such distinct divisions of labour. In our household, I ran the finances, did all the cooking, cleaning, kept the social calender, all gift buying, household purchases, clothing purchases. My husband maintained the cars, bought the hi fi equipment and all sporting goods.

One day he called me like 8 times maybe three or four years ago, to find out when I was coming home from work. When I did get home, there was a beautiful mountain bike hiding in my kitchen bestrewn with ribbons... I knew if I kept typing eventually I would make myself smile...

I too have a similar situation as you. My dad has advanced Parkinson's Disease(in a nursing home)and my oldest daughter has personal problems(that I can't mention). I thought this would bring my husband and myself closer together. Instead, when I needed him most - he betrayed me, had an affair with his secretary - whom he still works with. It's been 4 long, cushing months. What is "mid-life" crisis - an excuse for cheating???

My husband's OW looks older, has been "around the block" many times with people in his office. I know if people would find out about his affair they would think he's crazy - she's a nothing - but yet he was involved with her emotionally and sexually. Men look at me and comment to my husband how attractive and lucky he is. To him, it didn't matter.

I was married and divorced before I met my husband and also had several failed relationships.For 20 years he has held this against me - for I was not a perfect wife to him. We have been married over 18 years with 2 children. So, he told me he wanted to even the score (with women). I was completely faithfull to him, always, and treated him like a king. Yet it wasn't enough. he OW listens to all the nonsense the man gives her, just so she can be with him. The OW always wants what she thinks you have. Your betrayed spouse, I know, doesn't see her in the "real light", real situations - if he did, he wouldn't stay for a minute.

He never wanted to talk about anything or communicate with me. He would pick fights with me so he would have an excuse to talk to the OW. Sometimes, husbands just refuse to talk to the wife - I found this out. The OW preys on this.

We're trying to work things out, but it's very hard because he works with her. I couldn't leave my husband because I love him - so I'm putting up with his nonsense for now. But, with all that is happening to me, the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I guess we're all in the same boat?

Hi Soooohurt,


I'm sorrÿ that you are here. It must be devastating to live with that kind of situation day to day.

It really is a hard call, when there are children involved. Do you stay and allow it to go on in front of you and bear all the hurt from it fresh everyday. Or do you cut and run.

I'm lucky in some respects, with only a dog to be concerned about. Plus I'm not dependent on my husband financially. For women who are trying to keep their children fed, clothed, schooled and give them a normal life - it must be incredibly challenging.

The program on this site has seemed to work for many. The choice is to I guess suck it up and do a plan A as best you can manage it. Or ask him to leave and adopt a Plan B.

If you post your story on the General Questions section, I am sure some of the veterans would be able to give you sage advise.

Personally, as I have a low tolerance for pain, I would ask that he leave the job, never have contact with the woman again, and start the program outlined here for improving marriages. If he responds with a no - I would ask him to leave - in a nice calm fashion - saying look it just not something I can live with. He has to make a choice at some point. Allowing it to go on with your knowledge is just not going to make anyone happy in the long term. Frankly it is really bad for your self esteem.

It does not sound like the OW will make him happy. It is also true that allowing him to cake eat, will not make him happy either. When you hurt someone else, it is unavoidable that you also hurt yourself.

Notwithstanding, the cheating aspect, when this happens clearly there have to be issues within the relationship that require caring attention... work both individuals have to do to make things better. While it is easy to be harsh with the WS they have a perspective too... which has some merit. This coming on top of other problems... is tough and his timing speaks volumes.

Good luck... I will remember you in my daily prayer...

Cheers,

Paradise

Journal,

This is the last day, Ï have with my brother until next summer perhaps. We are back in Prague...to do another concert, walk about, and just general lyming.

It has been a great trip. Alway interesting sharing digs with others for a time. You learn about how they live each day. For example, to my utter surprise, my brother likes to have long hot baths while lisening to opera... booming strains of Verdi and clouds of billowing steam ... exit with him when he is finally finished in the bathroom.

Always alittle sad to see the end of a holiday approach. This is the longest vacation I have taken in probably eighteen years. I am going to do more very soon. When you do get away ÿou wonder why did¨I wait so long..

Thanks Paradise Blue,

Yes, I am living it over and over every day. I try so hard not to, but I know the OW is in the background. I can picture her face, her voice, everything and I can picture them together - only imagine what things they did together. Believe it or not, my husband even invited her over to our home on Memorial Day for a picnic while he was having the affair. What a slap in my face - double hurt!

My husband insists things have to take time to transfer her. She is in a union and has been working in his place for many years. According to him it has to be done right or it will "blow up in his face".

I'm trying to give him a reasonable amount of time to get her transfered. But, what is a reasonable amount of time? What if he can't transfer her? He WON'T leave his job. Do I just except this? I love him.

I was working before my dad went in the nursing home. I can certainly go back to work to support myself. But, I can't be without him. It's not that I need him for financial support - I need him because I love the jerk! I want to believe him. I honestly think he has nothing sexual or physical to do with her. But still, them working together just constantly reminds me of them being together in the past.

One other thing I want to mention. Now that he had an affair, he is not trusting me. I never was unfaithfull to him, never. But lately he's checking my e-mails and questioning me on everything. This is another thing that is driving me crazy. Is this normal???

Sooohurt,

You are going thru what all of us are living and yes it does get easier to live with. It does not ever become acceptable. My EXWW is stll with the OM everyone thinks is totally inappropriate for her. He's only a few years older than our daughter, wants his own family, etc. This does not make it any less real or painful for you or I. Nor does it make any sense for us. I have struggled for 7 months to put logic to it and you just can't.

Somehow, someway these OP's fill a need or are an escape for our WS's. The fact that they are not as attractive, financially secure, committed, ect., only makes it more difficult to understand and accept for us. The reality is our WS's still feel a stronger connection to them than us. Here's our challenge, how do we reverse this and put their emotions back in our favor? Plan A is difficult because it's all one way at first. You are the only one working on your marriage and he is more concerned about himself and the OP. As long as you are not doing a bunch of LB's hopefully he will realize you have been been there all along and do still care for him and you are the reality in his life not her.

I know I am not the best example of applying the MB principles but I never found this concept and site until I had done all the wrong things already. I wish I had it to do over again, I would still be married and would have a much better chance of recovery than I do now. Hang in there and let us help you thru the bad days, there will be many.
Patience and solid nerves will get you thru this. Paradise is as good an example of this as I have seen in this site. Look inward and improve yourself and let the rest run its course.

We are all hoping the best for you however it turns out.


dukhuntr