Holiday,

Thank you for your good thoughts. We're trying and I think my husband is too in his own way.

If you'd like you can keep posting on us under (sooooohurt and stop the drama) in the recovery section.

I will contact god help me, when I get a chance.

Journal,

I went to a party last night. An orange and black charity do that I decided to go to at the last minute.

Very spiffy scads of black and orange decorations, fancy martini bar, people decked out like Halloween kiss candies, very good band. I sat with two girlfriends... they drank red wine. I nursed a corona. I like beer, in my set I am the only woman who drinks beer. I can remember the day I learned to like it ..standing on the dock at the cottage, a very hot summer afternoon, I had just got up on a slalom ski ...first try... it was cold and tasted wonderful.

It was the first time I had gone to a large do solo so to speak. It felt weird. We only stayed a couple of hours. She is being tested for early onset Alzheimers..She tires easily these days. There is fear in her eyes and dread in mine. It is a horrific disease.

On the way home I stopped by to visit Dad. He was sleeping, I sat by his bed remembering. I can remember the exact moment I got turned on to shoes. I think I was nine, my Mom asked my Dad to take me shoe shopping. I picked out $50 italian brown alligator pumps- low square heel - adorable buckles.. I wore them home with surprising foresight for one so young. My Mom flipped, you could feed our family of five for a month on $50. However, because I had worn them they couldn't be returned. I loved those shoes.. I wore then till they shredded.

I awoke to my husband's voice this morning. He had called last night as I was heading out? He wanted to know how the party was? We had a normal conversation.

I saw him very briefly this week. He looked at me precisely the same way he would look at the OW when we would run into her - with heartfelt grief. It must be hard wanting more than you can have in life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The beach was glorious today. Jean jacket warm, golden sunshine and slowly fading oranges and reds on the trees. Plus it was windy so big waves were being ridden by wetsuit glad windsurfers and kite surfers. ..just a beautiful day.

We did our normal walk. There are play activities at certain points in the walk. It is like a doggy fun circuit a mixture of ball tossing, swimming, barking at waves, running after other dogs, sniffing, digging, chasing sticks, and jumping up on Mom leaving large pawprints to beg for biscuits.

It was the chip wagon guy's last day to be open. He works seven days a week for 7 months then flys to his home town..200 miles south of Athens to spend the winter. There is a large picture of it in his window... azure blue water and crisp white stucco buildings. I wished him a happy holiday. His departure always saddens me - it heralds the end of warm weather.

Journal,

Rainy here today. I'm at loose ends this moring. I have been reading many of the threads in this forum. They make me sad..some move me to tears.. so much needless unhappiness.

I find at times, I'm hesitant to post replies. My marriage seems to be dissolving before my eyes...it makes me feel unqualified to offer advise.

Although, after weeks of reflection, I believe I have come up with a third point.

Love makes sense. It makes more sense than anything else in this world because it supports a true reality. The more I observe the world and those in it, the more I believe the buddists when they say no one is separate from or superior to anyone else. All sentient beings are part of a whole.

Love is the feeling of being part of that whole. It is your connection to a fundamental truth. Everyone may be at different points in coming to an understanding of that but they are still part of us and we are still part of them.

It makes sense that we all have givers and takers, at a different level, when we give we give to ourselves and when we take we take from ourselves.

Keeping that thought foremost helps me alot. I find it much easier if I focus on that kind of perspective. It washes away the anger, resentment, hurt, loneliness, any sense of inadequacy. It brings a kind of calm peace.

Even at its most painful.. it is better to have cared for someone else. The connection allows you a glimpse of the big picture.

Paradise,

Yes, it does seem that reading too much on this site will bring you down and discourage you. I have felt that myself. I think that others like myself appreciate your posts more than you will ever know. You have a sense of self we all wish we had more of. So don't ever feel you are not helping. You have helped me become more self aware and stronger just by being yourself and expressing it so clearly through your posts.

Holiday is much the same, a normal and caring person that can communicate her feelings and insights without judging or sugar coating what she feels. A BS like myself needs people like the two of you to bounce their fears and problems off of. I need people like you two because I just can't see talking and writing about this stuff with my parents or friends that have not been thru this. And take some comfort and pride in the knowledge that I really do put value on what you and Holiday have to say. I hope you keep posting and don't ever get discouraged about your situation. No matter what happens in your M you will come out better than ever. For me you represent a role model all of us should aspire to become. Still committed to your M and not a doormat for the WS.

Have a great day!

dukhuntr

Hi Dukhuntr,

Thanks again for the moral support. You are right. Talking to people who have been through it or are going through it helps. If only that they understand the emotion involved.

I am cutting out early to-day to help a friend get ready for the deluge of little goblins. The dog is dressed in a top hat and tails. He won't look me in the eye. Grim forbearance is in his every motion.


Happy Halloween Everyone!

Cheers,

Paradise.

paradise_blue and dukhunter...

When I have found myself at my lowest..your posts bring me back.

It is very peaceful to read through your archives here.

Thank you for the self-less sharing. You both make a difference.

I did not dress my dogs today..being of a bulldog type, I figured they were costumes within themselves.

God Bless you both,

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Come on in and talk to us. Talk is therapy for us too. Give us some background on your situation and let us talk to you during NC. This is painful and hard enough with someone to vent to and lean on occasionally. Doing it alone is self abuse and torture.

Thanks for not embarassing your dog like paradise. Poor thing, I feel bad for the dog. It cant voice it's protests and standing there looking all mopy and forelorn only makes paradise revel in it's misery even more! I bet if the dog had hands the costume would be out on the beach with the other washed up floatsam. I can hardly wait to hear about it's santa suit at Christmas. My dog gets all bent out of shape when my daughter ties a kerchief on her neck. Looks too yuppy for a hunting dog and she scratches at it constantly. Yet put her neoprene hunting vest on and she's all jacked up and ready to go!

On a more serious note I will be here when you are ready and although I think you are too kind about my posts, I will listen and respond to you as best I can.

I will be watching for your posts.

dukhuntr

Hi Duckhuntr,

LOL, no santa suit but he does have reindeer antlers that strap under his chin. He was a very big hit with the kids. Down in Annapolis on July 4th weekend, I dressed him up in a American Flag peaked cap and kerchief. It was definitely over the top, but in our travels I counted over a hundred smiles. It can't be that silly if it makes so many people either laugh or smile.

Last Christmas I bought my sister-in-law's hefty chocolate lab a frou frou collar. Looks like a little tutu you wear around your neck. She's a lovely dog with soft brown feminine eyes and a hind end you could serve tea on - the frilly collar just adds to the blend.

There were wonderful costumes out last night. The best was a young teenage girl who came as a fully set table. She had a coffee table contraption with hole for her neck and a plastic flower arrangement on top of her head. China, glasses etc all glued to a halloween tablecloth. Kids have great imagination.

I have a long list today. So I best get back to work. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Cheers,

PB

I considered dressing up our weiner dog. While shopping the other day I saw a trench coat that would have fit him perfect, I was going to make him a flasher. I decided against it, he hates when I even put sweaters on him in the winter. He has like no fur on his belly, so he needs it.

Paradise,

Has the dog recovered from his emotional tramatizing last night? I felt for the dog. He had no choice in the matter and I'm sure if his voice could be heard it would have said "stop the insanity".

I spent the evening waiting for the munchkins to appear and they never did. I have been in my house for 22 years and all of the kids that grew up with mine are too old now and all of my neighbors are still the same. Great for me , but no new families to renew the trick or treat force. So I spent the night watching football and horror flicks. Funny thing though I couldn't tell you a thing about the game. I spent most of the night thinking back to the same night 24 years earlier when my ex was in labor with my daughter. We were still at home timing contractions and answering the door to the trick or treaters. I was in a near panic. Racing back and forth and fraught with worry. When we finally went to the hospital it was a huge relief to me. At least there was someone there that knew what they were doing. I spent the rest of the evening holding her hand thru the delivery and febily coaching her while watching a Frankenstein movie between contractions. I still remember trying to cheer her up by telling her I wasn't sure what was more frightening, Frankenstein or her during a contraction!

I hope my daughter has a wonderful day today it will be her first birthday with her new adjusted family situation. I made her favorite ravioli dinner Sunday night with my parents her boyfriend and my son. I have tried to keep up on the semblance of family for her and I think has worked to some extent but I know she is feeling the difference. I'm not sure what the EX has in mind I just hope she has the presence of mind to make an effort to recognize the occasion.

I went back last night and re-read all of your early posts again and I have a question for you. You were friends with the OW same as I was friends with the OM. Do you think as I do that this has made it more difficult to accept and deal with for us. Not only did our WS's abandon us, but so did someone that we had chosen to befriend? For me it makes me feel twice as foolish. I did not see the warning signs in my marriage and I was fooled into trusting someone else that did not value my friendship. Obviously we liked both or we would not have associated with either party. I am starting to think I could have handled this much better if I did not know the OM or would have never found out who it was. I know I wish I had never gone looking for them when I found them. The image I have of them when he opened the door to that room at Tahoe will haunt me forever.

I hope you are well and the dog recovers soon. Take him to the beach and give him a couple of extra treats today he deserves it.

Thank you Dukhunter. I hope I am helpful in some way.

Hope you all had a nice Halloween.

Still pretty stressed here with H's classes and exams right now.
We also purchased 800 sq ft of tile to be laid (by me with H help) by Thanksgiving...woo hoo!

How did the duk huntin go? We were feeding them in the lake by my SIL home this past weekend, and I could only think of DH! ha.

PB, has your H gone silly? Wanting your paint chips so he can "recreate" his home away from home? I would need to tell him, hit the hardware store buddy! (In a nice way of course.)
Perhaps you may suggest a female decorator....hmmm, perhaps in her 20's???? Only kidding. Just wish your OW would just disappear and give him a chance to truly reflect.

Weather is getting cooler here. Still out from the gym (tore the muscle under the rotator cuff of my left shoulder). I can only run and some very light weights for the past 3 weeks...makes me a bit depressed.

Have a wonderful Tuesday,
holiday

Hey Holiday!

Thanks for fattening them ducks up for me! Beautiful birds aren't they, tasty too if cooked right. I actually had bad weekend hunting. Seems like everything that could go wrong did, including my shotgun. I had to stand and watch as my hunting partner shot all the birds. For the first time ever I managed to wear out a part and break the thing to the point it would not shoot(my shotgun that is). It was still enjoyable but not the same. I saw a pair of Canvasback drakes(males) for the first time in years last weekend and just seeing them was a thrill. A little frustrating but still a thrill.

Missing out on the gym must be the same for you as me missing a day in the marsh. You just don't get those endorphins going. I have been talking to my friends down there in LV and they want me to come down soon. Sounds like it might be cool enough now for a northern boy like me to survive it. My friends BIL is a fireman also and so is his step FIL(retired) The FIL has a house done in firehouse decor and style. Concrete floors, institutional kitchen, all the memorabilia and a full scale bar to boot. A great place to have parties.

Yes, you are helpful and always caring so don't stop posting. This forum is only as good as the people who use it and you will always make it better. Have a great week and I will let you know if I decide to visit Sin City again. Maybe I can buy you and the H a drink to celebrate him passing his exams.

Journal,

Dad passed away about an hour ago... On my way to spend some time with his body and arrange funeral...

Paradise,

My thoughts and good wishes will be with you today. I know how much he meant to you and how much you loved him. He knew this also and it was a blessing for both of you. I am very sorry for you and your loss today.

Oh Paradise,
I am so sorry. Nothing can really prepare us for such a loss.
My prayers will be with you, your Mother and your Father tonight.
God bless,
holiday

Journal,

Dad died around 4.30 p.m. our time yesterday. When I sat with him the night before, I thought his eyes were very different. Pupils very large, sort of looking straight through me. It took him a while to recognize me. He said only I love you and missed completely the ridulous spectacle of the dog in costume.

He died yesterday quite quietly. Just before he died a music therapist had sat by his bed and played her guitar to him. He was clapping his hands weakly in time to the music. That's life one moment you are clapping your hands to a song, the next you're gone.

The chaplin said a few words, the nurses prayed around his bed.

I find beauty in all faiths but the one closest to my heart is buddism. The buddists believe the spirit does not leave the body right away - not until your skin goes a grayish hue.

I requested a buddist monk come say a final blessing. The dog and I waited seven hours for her to appear. I made several cups of tea..lisened to a rousing card game going on in the lounge outside ... and mostly remembered why I loved him so. It may be my fancy, but I thought his face changed during those hours, his eyes opened a little wider. I sat and wondered what he was seeing.

When the Lama arrived..she had come straight from giving a course and was wearing a sweatshirt that said 'Kindness is my Religion'. She had a six month old sheltie in her car - utterly charming. And as it happens out of the blue also one of Canada's foremost Lamas. She said she knew she would have a call today... and that whoever she was called to would be a very gentle soul. We prayed together and talked. She is visiting India in December for a special service being held by the Dali Lama. She requested a small amount of Dad's ashes to bring with her to be blessed...wow.

After she left, I said the Lord's Prayer one last time. I found it really hard to leave him. The dog had been quiet most of the time. Around 3.00 a.m. he got up and had a huge happy scratch on the linoleum. He does that when things are good. I took it as a cue to say good by... kissed Dad on the forehead ...then went back and kissed him again.

My husband heard first from the hospital he went directly to my Mom to sit with her. She didn't want to go to the nursing home. She didn't feel up to it. When I arrived it was really late. All three of us hugged - too tired to talk.

I'm back home now.. about to fall into bed. Earlier, I went for a long walk by the water to just a spectacular dawn..running into a neighbour who has been diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. He and I joked and laughed about dying and death. I gave him Dad's lucky hat which I happened to have in my bag it reads - No Surrender.

I am going to miss him so much....

No Surrender.

What a nice sentiment to take from all of your pain, though it may be selfish of me.

You and your Mother are in my prayers. Your father is now up and moving and doing all of the wonderful things that made him whole on this Earth before. I hope you envision this and smile.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Oh man PB, my heart goes out to you. I was holding my mom's hand when she passed away (she was only 46 yrs old) from cancer. No matter what their age, it's always hard to lose a parent.

Many hugs to you.

PB How are you doing today?
You are in my thoughts...
holiday

Paradise,

We are all thinking of you and wishing the very best for you and your mother. Take care and god bless.