Eibrab,

No spanish required I have completly put those thoughts behind me. Well actually I have killed all the brain cells that harbored all of those thoughts. Too much fun at the game and tailgate yesterday.

I actually thought to myself that my feeling of missing out on the trip of a lifetime was similar to what my EXWW must have been thinking when she allowed her A to happen. I chose to stay and keep my job and career, she chose to go with the A and start down a new and different road. Once I had this thought it was much easier to deal with missing out. That and a whole lot of beer.

Thanks for the offer and for caring.

I do hope that any contribution I attempt here is not considered an imposition. In this entire mess of mine, I have found so much useful information and so many kind souls, with some not so kind... but none refects anywhere near the compassion and "realness" of the posters in this thread.

Today I hoped Paradise's day was spent in reflection and peace. In reading here, I feel very close in train of thought as to what dukhuntr posted about your H. I do feel reality will find him. I wonder where you will be when it does.:-)

And Dukhuntr... I did ask the Mexican gentleman who works at the farm here, a few words regarding duck hunting and such. He was kind and ultimately very afraid that I asked. He's been wittness ro my latest attempts at trap shooting.... and the many clay pigeons who have flown to freedom at each of my turns.

Blessings,

Eibrab

PB, glad all went well yesterday for you and the family.
And glad to hear your space alien attempted to be less of a body snatcher than usual.
As far as checking out your WS's new pad...well, I would have done the same thing. This might make me think of how much he is not the man I was married too and/or this would help me to start moving on too, if I chose to. Either one is rough but I think paradise you will make it. You have such inner strength.
I hope you sleep well tonight. Think of a fresh start tomorrow morning. Keep your Dad's memories close.
Prayers,
holiday

Eibrab,

Yes we are real and I think Holiday and paradise are as grounded as anybody you could hope to talk to. Use them to help you through the rough times, I have and it really helps to have caring and compassionate people to listen and vent to. I think it helps even more when we get off of the WS topics and get into other areas to move your focus to. Paradise's travels get all of us thinking again about resuming a more normal and well rounded life. Holiday is so busy with her home business you get to thinking about all of the things you could be doing at home and just don't have the energy or motivation for. Most of all you just get a sense of decency from these gals that is refreshing and personaly satisfying to me. I will be forever thankful I have found them and that they took pity on this poor idiot and talked to me.

I will always try to pay this forward to anyone who seeks my thoughts or just wants an ear to bend for a while. Have a great day!

Thank you DH. You are a kind spirit too!

I haven't been on MB too much since the start of my H's classes. Now laying the downstairs tile and sewing my craft.

Sooooo , Eibrab, how may I help. Sorry to see you here. There are just too many of us.

This month for me is d-day month. November 29th is the date I actually found out via the phone bill, but November 12th is the day the OW's phone call came in and my suspicions began. My H "was" (hopefully,) very good at hiding all of this from me. Had she not called his cell phone late that night (this also happened with his first PA), I may have never known. So this month has had it's ups and downs as well as last month, reliving the night in October he tried so hard to get away with. But we are working on it. I will have to say he is extremely "loving" this past few weeks. Only at times can I take it all in (sad, I wish I could just roll over and let the love cover me...), perhaps next year.

Eibrab, Holiday and Paradise,

I have been posting back and forth in the General Questions forum with some MB'ers who have been divorced and recovered. If I am to do what they suggest, I am going to need a tremendous amount of encouragement and support from you guys too. I need to be completely dark with the EX and all of her "friends".

I have tried to start withdrawing from her and just can't seem to do it with any conviction. I still love her and I guess I always will. So instead of trying to ignore those feelings and emotions, I am going to take the dark, dark Plan B route and try to sustain the love that is left long enough to allow the A to run its course. Hopefully when it does my light will shine thru the fog. I just hope by then I am not just her next best option and will be able to tell the difference.

All of you have read my posts what do you think? Am I being too optimistic here? Could there be a chance she could come back and confront the biggest issue she has ever faced? I am reaching for straws I know, but if there is a chance I want to give it the time necessary to come out. She has been with him for 16 months now if she was at least honest enough with me to tell me the truth about when it got physical. I don't have any idea when the EA started, but they have worked together for 5 years. I felt our relationship change almost two years ago when her hip started acting up before the surgery. I attributed all the changes to the pain her hip was giving her and not to the fact that she was discussing her fears and anxiety with him instead of me.

I almost wish she was reading my posts so that she could see how sincere I was about wanting to reconcile. I have always been a person who sees things as black and white. I don't ever put much into a grey area and she knows this. She, I'm sure, believes I would never forgive her even after several letters to the contrary. I think every time I have busted my plan B it has been to point out the fact that I do still hold out hope for us as a couple. And to bust on the OM of course. A definte no-win to be avoided at all costs from now on. I also need to bury the hatchet as far as the OM is concerned. I still have running thoughts as to what I want to do the next time I run into him. None are pleasant and many will land me in big trouble with both her and the law.

So you guys have your work cut out for you! Keep me dark and non-violent all over the internet. Good luck and start the posting I am a hopeless schmuck and I know it.

Dh...hmmmm, I need to ask you this: Do you really think you want her back? I mean, the new person she has become?
Sometimes we get what we wish for, but did we really search deep down inside ourselves and find the answer?
I don't want to mislead you in any way, but I would feel at this time, after 16 months of your torture, I would need to move on.
Funny, or should I say sad...I have a strange feeling once you truly get on with your life and meet someone new, she will be right there panting for you to take her back...Murphy's Law.
I will try to help all I can.
Peace,
holiday

Holiday,

You are right as usual. I don't know why I still have this morbid desire to at least give it a chance again. Maybe its because I feel guilty I never saw this as it was happening. Maybe I am just stubborn, like I said I don't know either. I do know I had a vision of our future together and I just can't seem to give up on that yet. I feel in my heart that she is a better person than how she is acting right now. I truely believe the OM has taken advantage of a weakness in her and is exploiting it to the hilt. She is also a stubborn person and hates to admit mistakes and own them.

I am not to the point yet that I am ready for a relationship anyway so I am just going to do my own thing and see what transpires. I think you are right on the money about how just about the time I do find someone else she will be at the door. If that happpens I will be at a point I can say I gave her every chance to come back and I have moved on. I am definitely not there yet.

Thanks for being honest with me, I am still confused and somewhat angry over the whole thing and don't trust myself and my own judgement regarding her yet.

Hi Eibrab,Holiday and Dukhuntr,

I hope everyone is well. Holiday it sounds like being busy this month is a good thing. Sad memories are always difficult to deal with.

Sorry I have not been posting we had a technical problem with our modem. Just got it replaced today.

I am spending a couple of days working on my home with my brother's help. After see the WS's brand new pristine space, our place looks like it needs work. Funny when I was walking through it - there is no indication that it is set for a couple - only a swinging bachelor. I believe he has become a bit like a bee that wants to taste all the flowers.

Wandering through looking at the view, the balcony the way everything looks... I thought to myself. The man has changed channels. He was watching me an amalgam of cartoons, family programing, house and garden and the food network for 25 years and now he has defintitely switched to SEX TV!

I'm still focusing on staying positive.

Dukhuntr, I know how hard it is to stop loving some one after so long. I don't think you do have to stop loving them. I think it is very healthy to recognize all the good times. Statistically, you wife behaved wonderfully for the majority of your marrriage right. It is important to remember that. I think it is also important to face to-day's reality without getting all bent out of shape... angry and bitter. Anger is a wasted emotion. It gives you nothing back.

I've got to go. My brother and I are taking Mom to lunch...

Cheers,

Paradise.

Great to hear PB you are in good spirits.
Hmmm, sex tv??? Did your WS happen to have a medical check up prior to his getting together with the OW?
The reports now say men don't go through just one midlife crisis, they may go through as many as eight!
Scarey.
Sex tv sounds like he's making sure he's still got it (whatever "it" was). I wonder if the OW has got her own set of troubles brewing.
DH, yes anger is hurt all twisted inside of us. It's better to deal with the aftermath of hurt vs the aftermath of anger. And I agree, anger is a wasted emotion. Wasted energy.
Enjoy your afternoon,
holiday

Hi Guys,

Can you tell its been a bad week all around? No hunting trip, big repair bill on the heating system at home, and some billing deadlines I am struggling with at work. And to top it off I seem to have fallen back into a major funk again. I will be normal again soon, so don't give up on me yet!

Journal,

A pleasant day, I got up early to do some house painting ... then off to the beach with the dog and my brother. We had a really nice leisurely lunch with Mom. She is looking frailer and smaller. The spark she always has - just didn't seem to be there today. It is going to be tough with Dad gone. There will be a gaping hole in our lives.

Funny how you can be a living breathing man making a joke and only a few days later, you are a small pile of ash in a bronze urn that looks like three antique books and would make a great door stop! Life is so fragile and transitory.

I have been thinking about people I have loved that have died. I had a friend die on her 60th birthday. I am still mad. No one should die on their birthday. Funny, when she was 48 her professor husband became obsessed with a student and basically asked her leave. She packed a few items in the car - drove across the country and started a great new life. She let him have everything. Even though, she reinvented herself completely. I don't believe she ever stopped loving him. I met him at her funeral. I thought she was so wasted on him. In fact though I think she was wasted on herself - she never really got just how great - how funny and how classy a lady she was. My husband was really fond of her. At one point, I told him you are doing exactly what Ann's husband did. He said no - there is no comparison.

On the plus side, seeing death face to face, makes me value each day more. I am ready to stop worrying about yesterday and concern myself with today and tomorrow.

dukhuntr...

I read your post and the need for support last night and have attempted to answer you several times today. Nothing quite "fits" for me here.

I suppose I feel so unqualified to offer any advice that might help you. I wish I could be so gifted with words, so that you could skip (in a manly fashion, mind you) away from the computer and feel as compelled to look towards tomorrow as Paradise is in her last sentence here.

I know we will all get to that point. My situation is different. I think each of our "healings" will be unique. I just hope they are complete.

I feel as Holiday. There must a be a lady dukhuntr out there somewhere with a heart of a true person and the looks of that tall blonde woman on the Sunday morning hunting shows...

I'd think a man with a newly restored heating system in his home would be a hot commodity.

:-)

You are in my prayers.

Eibrab

Holiday..

I appreciate your offer of help... I will ask for it in time . :-)

Blessings,

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Thanks for your concern, it is appreciated and also for the words of encouragement. I'm not sure why I have all of these mixed emotions over the EX. You would think that after 8 months of seperation and all that she has done to show me she is finished with me I would be in a better place by now. IC helps but I have never been one to give up on anything easily. It's the OCD of an accountant showing it's ugly head again. That and the fact she keeps giving off these signals to keep her foot in my door every chance she gets. That is the part that creates my indecision.

I know it's just her way of keeping her options open and I should not allow her to make me an option, but I am just not strong enough to do this yet. Everyone around me has told me the same things you and paradise and Holiday have about opening myself up to other relationships. I hear all about how I would be a "great catch" for someone else and all the good qualities I have to offer and how much I have going for me. At the end of the day though I still do not feel this about myself yet. The self respect and confidence have not yet resurfaced after all of this.

So instead of going about life in a way that would attract someone else to share in my life I dwell on what could have been and on my own insecurities. I know I look forward to the day that I can look back and say I did my best and it just wasn't going to happen for us. I am just not there yet. Paradise and I discussed how hard it is to give up on your vision of the future. Maybe that is not the right way to think of it. Maybe you did not give up, more likely the WS did not share that vision and wanted something completely different. Accepting that theory is difficult because you believed after all those years that you shared the same dreams and goals in life as your spouse.

For now I will be here talking to good people like you and paradise and Holiday and working on regaining that self assuredness and confidence that will look appealing to someone else. I would enjoy having someone other than the dog to spend my time with. The kids are busy in their own lives and relationships so I don't see that much of them lately. I talk to them daily but getting together regularly is not easy.

Have a great day and I hope you are well!


P.S. - I have seen the blonde on that show and if you have an in with her or someone like her, by all means hook me up!I can't imagine a better boost to the self confidence than sharing a sunrise in the duck marsh with someone like that.

Hey PB. I hear ya about your dad. It was a strange transition for me when my mom passed away. I kept expecting a phone call from her. It was hard for my mind to get itself around the fact she was gone, she wasn't getting up in the morning, making coffee, getting ready for a busy day ahead. She went from being this young looking vibrant woman to someone who looked like a concentration camp victim. She was always concerned about her appearance, never left the house without makeup. It was sad to see her stop caring, I knew she had given up. She just kept getting sicker and sicker. It only took 2 months from the time she was diagnosed to pass away.

I am also sad that my D doesn't really remember her. My mom loved that little girl so much. One of the first things she said to me when she was told her cancer was terminal was how it broke her heart she wouldn't see her grow up. I wonder sometimes what their relationship would be like now. I think she would have really enjoyed being around her. She was a cool mom who loved fashion. All of my friends always liked her.

When they leave you it does leave a huge hole in your life and in your heart. I want to tell you I am amazed at your strength. You have had a lot on your plate lately. Thank heavens for your doggie, and your brother, it seems they have been a great source of love and strength.

Hi Familycomesfirst,

I am sorry for the loss of your Mom. Even though time passes - there is still that aching place in your heart and sense of yearning for all the memories you still wanted to share with her. It must have been incredibly hard to lose someone so young and so quickly.

You are in my prayers...

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I believe I am returning to normal, although alittle lost without Dad. However, oddly enough, it is losing Dad that has made me really shake myself and get a grip. Life is far too precious to pine for what you don't have while not truly appreciating what you do have.

As humans go.. I am definitely blessed. Wasting away over a man, who my brother describes as pleasant enough but not even remarkable. ...doesn't make sense does it.

What does make sense is to start living again ... like I mean it....

````````````````````````````
I still talk to my Dad. His remains are not far from my desk. When I finish work for the day. Or particularly before I go to bed I always say 'Night Dad'.

I think when we lose people to death, mishap, another woman, another man, a change of heart, the urge to polinate! - there is a part of that person that remains with us. Some of my best parts are from my Dad. I'd like to think that after a 25 year relationship - there would be parts of me that come directly from my husband. Though I'm not sure what?

Letting go is easier if you know that there are things you get to keep. Memories, habits, phrases, ways of looking at things that just melt into you... that you never really give up. I know I will continue to miss my husband on a daily basis. I know that the pain won't stop. However, I can choose how much of my time and focus I care to allocate to it. Pain is part of life. It is what makes us aware, alive, in tune.

Frankly there is just so much out in the world that is interesting, much much much much more interesting than being broken hearted.

Paradise,

The thoughts in your last post have convinced me you missed your true calling in life. Writing should have been your career! Beautiful and encouraging at the same time.

Has the dog been in IC since Halloween? I haven't heard much about the him lately. He's probably keeping a low profile so as not to inspire new and more creative costume ideas from Mom.

You are an inspiration to all of us who read your posts. You seem to be able to look thru all of the hurts and emotions and get right to the core of the issues better than anyone I have even heard. I know I would be much better off if I could emulate you better. How you choose to cope with life's setbacks and losses defines you as a person. Your true personality comes out during all of this and can't be hidden or walled off. Your's has risen and shone brightly giving all those around you a sense of calm and rationality.

Hi Dukhuntr,

Thank you for the compliments. I believe you are not giving yourself enough credit. What you are going through is actually a very harsh experience. Everyone mends in different ways and at various speeds. I believe you have come a long way from where you were.

At present the dog does not appear to need therapy. Don't laugh a friend of mine once took her wheaton terrier to a doggie psychologist. The poor mutt was biting the cleaning lady. The psychologist would not see her and the dog without her husband being present. He had to interview the entire pack!

I have been running around all day dealing with alot of paper. Looking forward to a nice rum and putting my feet up...

Cheers,

PB