Hey Paradise,

I'd like to think I have come a ways from where I started but it only takes a little nudge and I seem to slip right back. Yesterday I had lunch with DD, and she used the opportunity to tell me something I knew was coming just not this soon. She said she feels she needs to be more supportive of her mother and that means socializing with the OM. She said she didn't want to make her mother hide that part of her life anymore.

Even though I knew it would happen sooner or later I still harbored a hope she would make a statement for me by continuing not to see the OM. I didn't handle it very well and said some things I should not have ever said. Nothing hurtful to her just not what she needed to hear from a supportive father. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think of my kids being influenced in the slightest bit by this "boy". I finally came to my senses and told her to do whatever she felt was right for her, but it sure hurt doing it. I fretted over her all afternoon and apologized twice and made her feel even more uncomfortable. I think this has made me feel even more loss over the divorce. Now I feel I have let my kids down even more.

I was feeling good before lunch, I had just left IC and he had hit on something that made sense to me finally. I asked him what his read was on my EX. He said he had only seen her twice but from what he got from that and what I have told him he sensed she was exhibiting sociopathic tendencies that were present our whole marriage. The use of the credit cards and hiding them, and all of the entitlement things she has done since. It fit with what I have seen for our whole marriage. Never owning her mistakes, always something or someone else at fault. He said he does not believe she has any guilt about the A. I have felt the same thing for months. It hit home with me and I did feel better for awile.

Well I am leaving work early today to start a long weekend of hunting with the dog. Maybe it will recharge my attitude. Sounds like you are getting back to normal yourself. Hopefully you won't have to go to group therapy with your dog after the psycological torture you put him thru! Maybe some rum in his kibbles would help? Just a thought for the dog on my part. Have a great weekend!

I read Paradise's thoughts and feel like I have just added to my literary prowess. I can't think of anything that I have come across in written word so eloquently and understandably "put".

:-)

And dear dukhunter, Holiday is so much more qualified to understand what you are going through. I simply feel your pain and care.

I do think that these partners we have chosen in our lives do go through such a sense of fog. It hurts even more when we see our own beloved children being dragged into it. I read through most of the posts in this thread, but not all..and have noticed that your ordeal was so very fast for you. From acknowledgement to finality. We are similar in that respect for many reasons.

I find myself at different points of the grieving process in my situation depending on the day, the time, the mood or simply something that "triggered" it.

You children, no doubt, love you and respect you. How you handle them or their views in any given moment will be both admirable and forgiveable depending on the circumstance, and maybe even both.

As far as your WW feeling any guilt. She may. Someday it may come out. I would venture to guess that for both you and Paradise, those well-deserved emotions of guilt from each of your WW's will become quite evident when they finally see the two of you moving on with your lives.

Funny how those we love can play games with us and maybe not even know they are doing so. We're all guilty, I suppose.

On a deeper and more fascinating note... :-)
I had woman once who claimed to be an animal psychic come to my barn ( I make my living in the agricultural industry ). She was there for another venue and simply walked through and stopped in front of a particular horse's stall. She spent a moment with him as if in therapy, and turned to me and said.. He'd like to be called "Silver". It seems that she insists that this poor horse felt that everyone constantly made FUN of him due to his name and he thought he deserved more respect.

I gave it great thought. Truly...and I assure you that there were no indications of that animal's name anywhere to be found... But I started to call him Silver.

He acted proud. It was minimal effort on my part to ease his insecurities.

So, therapy may exist for costume wearing dogs. Then again.. if the dogs (or horses for that matter) actually tell us they need professional help.. We might be the ones in need of much more than they... lol

Btw, the horse's barn name was Ugh. Just Ugh. Short for Ugly.. and he was.

Be careful this weekend, Dukhunter.

Walk on the beach for me, Paradise... and Holiday, you can lay your tile by yourself *grin*..

Thank you all for being here.

Eibrab

Journal

The beach is fast transforming from sun drenched sand to a bleak windswept landscape inhabited only by the warmly dressed. However, those few hardy souls still provide good company.

I ran into a friend of mine today. She had heard but not in much detail what happened to my marriage. I said simply some men get silly in their fifties. I really didn't feel like saying anything more. I have no desire to be negative. Ultimately, a good measure of the happiness you can find in life comes from respecting other people's wishes. My husband has made choices I find hard to respect but I believe I should try. He must want this reinventtion of himself very badly to throw away so much.

I am dogless this weekend. Worse yet my brother leaves at 5.00 a.m. I will be left to my very long, many page list of things I must get done. Almost nothing on the list has any semblance of fun to it. The most appealing item is second coat of paint on laundry room!

My brother and I dropped off my Dad's ashes to the Lama tonight. She sat and talked to us for a very long time. I find her intriguing. She is 66 but has the energy and spark of someone much much younger. The Lama tried to make it clear in her comments that we are all connected. All one in a way. You cannot hurt someone else without hurting your self. I worry about my husband. He is living without thinking. That can't be good

They shave their hair. It strikes me as both practical and fetching. I am quite sure I have spent at least a full 365 days fussing, combing, washing, braiding, colouring, blow drying, curling and straightening my hair. Now I suspect the time could have been better spent. I've often thought that all hair care expenses for women should be tax deductable as a productivity incentive. My hair must link to a higher function control panel in my brain. Bad hair day... very little worthwhile gets done.

We met a friend of his afterwards for a quick drink. They were having an animated conversation, so I chatted with the lady bartender. She has a 16 year old son going to his first rock concert tonight-heavy metal. She is worried. She described a moshing pit, a place where the kids jump up and down to the music so violently - that sometimes bones get broken. Ouch.. I started to worry. She is from Newfoundland, her island charm is still intact.

I wandered home alone... stopping in the stores to pick up a few things. All the Xmas decorations are out in full strength. I have been dreading Xmas... but I think that is very poor spirited of me. I have always loved the holidays. I get right into it. There is no reason not to love it now. It will be different for sure.. perhaps there will be sad moments when I think of all the memories of my Dad and my Husband. Last year I made a sit down dinner for 20 people and three dogs. This year it looks like it will be 8 people and 2 dogs. I will make all the same dishes I do every year and the poor dog will wear his antlers.

I am spending Xmas at the cottage this year. My husband has agreed to giving me the first four weekends of the season. I will do my regular round of entertaining and then decamp for the rest of the season. He will stay with family in the area for the first month. I am really happy about it.

I looked at myself in a full length store mirror tonight. I don't look heart broken, just a well togged out, nicely groomed middle aged woman with clever eyes.

I wonder who I am some times. I am no longer a wife. within a few years I will no longer be a daughter. My key roles have shifted. What I seem to be changes with my attire. This summer I wore denim alot. I had people I have worked with for many years walk by me without seeing me. Without a suit and briefcase - apparently I am unrecognizable.

It is interesting how certain people come into our lives and leave a stamp on who we are. They change us. Others come into our lives without ever really seeing who we are - they relate only to what we do or what we have. I think there is alot of joy to be found in really trying to see those around us. When I was younger I use to ride a bus to university, I often sat there in awe of all the human knowledge, understanding, and memories that would sit around me at any given moment.

HI Eibrab,


I will happily walk on the beach for you.. fully dressed..hat, mittens and thick socks.

It is a lovely place in all the seasons to contemplate life. Something about waves, the continuity of their motion, rising falling lapping into the sand again and again that calms the spirit.

Plus there are magical sunrises and sunsets. I think bearing heart ache is eased very much by nature. I suspect your life on a farm has solace that would not be available in a city home.

Ugh... to Silver..there is a lesson in re-invention for us all. Thanks for sharing it.

Speaking of animal stories, I have friends who live in an island community. Their neighbour had a dog who would walk over every morning to another neighbour's home and wait outside for their cat to come out. The cat would flounce into the yard and two would walk the neighbourhood together for about an hour. They would return to their starting point and say goodby until the next day. This went on for years. One day the dog showed up at the cat's house in the afternoon. He laid down and died in her yard. The cat would not let anyone touch him for hours afterwards.

Love is all around us....

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I watched Something Gotta Give this week with my brother it had a wonderful line. " Schmucks are people too you know". There was also a reference to Mr. Midnight. I think that is how I will refer to my WS - Mr. Midnight.

I believe there is alot of sense in that line. We are all people - schmuck and nonschmuck alike. I think Mr. Midnight is making a mistake with our lives... yet I can't be sure. This may be his shot to really live life the way he probably has wanted to for a very long time.

What makes me sad, is that it means that many of the things I valued as very important - are definitely not important to him. We had a huge gap in perspective that escaped me completely.

I have spent most of the day cleaning to various types of music..Roy Rogers to Annie Lennox. When I miss my Dad I put on Roy Rogers.

I don't think most men understand the theraputic benefits of cleaning. It is very relaxing particularly if you don't have to deal with clutter. Wiping, polishing, washing clear surfaces is very soothing. Odd snipets of conversation float into my memory.

The OW once told me she thought my husband and I appeared to be the most happily married couple she had ever met. I didn't pick up on the 'appeared to be'. I should have I guess. Perhaps we were just a challenge she couldn't resist.

Given the huge smiles she flashes me I believe she is happy with the current circumstances. Awkward dealing with people who enjoy your pain. To me that is a true sign of disfunction.

Sadly, I can't envision myself with Mr. Midnight anymore. There are flashes of him in my mind and heart that are very appealing.. waking up from deep sleep ..face all crumpled..winning at anything always vibrating with energy. He was nice to be around then.

Now he is a complete stranger who is not nice to be around. Not that he is rude or anything, it is just difficult to be around someone - who when faced with a choice - didn't choose you.

Hi Dukhuntr,

I read your last post several times. It made me sad. I don't think you are letting your kids down. I do think you are dealing with a really big change in your life that is one of the toughest out there to come to grips with.

It looks like your wife has moved on. You can continue to hope for a reconciliation but you still have to live in the mean time.

I would take up new interests. The nice lady you asked out not too long ago. Why not ask her out again.. dinner and line dancing! She'd love it I am sure. It doesn't have to be a heavy romantic thing. You just need a friend right now. I would bet she would be delighted to lisen.

The dog gets defatted broth over his kibble.. he hasn't developed a taste for rum. Although I have! Pusser's British Royal Navy Rum...my favourite!

Cheers,

PB

Paradise,

Thanks for listening and the good advise. Yes the EX has definitely moved on. Now she is in the process of moving the kids along with her. I need to let that happen for the kids. Holding them back would be strictly selfish on my part.

I'd like to think my daughter is bright enough and honest enough with herself not to buy into the rationalizations being thrown out there by the EX and the EXMIL. I would be disappointed if she felt she had to buy into them so she could feel good around her mother. Nothing I can do to control this other than be myself and not let her throw her mothers excuses at me. DS still really dislikes OM and has told me so frequently as of late. I assume EX has his sister working on him too and this is his way of letting me know.

As for that friend I went out with, she is having some medical issues and has told me she just doesn't feel up to dating or even just hanging out together right now. I have offered to help in any way I can, but she is real independent and wants to take care of herself. I think this is what attracted me to her. She lives her own life and makes her own fun. EX usually waited for me to come up with something to make her happy. I know I will never be with someone again that looks to me to make them happy all of the time.

As for line dancing, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! My dancing abilities are pretty much limited to a nice two step and if drunk enough some other stumbling in general. I went to a Salsa lesson recently with another lady friend that needed a partner and I was terrible. Absolutely no rhythm or timing to speak of. She was really nice about it but I was BAD! I have played baseball and football and all of the other sports kids play and done really well at all of them. You would think that dancing would fall into place for me but no, I think that gene is missing in me. I enjoy it but I definitely do not excel at it.

Reading you journals gives me a nice sense of calm when I am feeling bad. I hope they do the same for you as you write them. I feel better today after a couple of days of fresh air and friends and family out hunting. Bloody Mary's with Mom at breakfast and Whiskey or Scotch on the rocks before dinner. Dad says I have hooked Mom on the Bloodys and is jealous. His diabetes prevents him from enjoying more than a sip here and there and he wants more. I have never had Pusser's rum I will look for some and give it a try in your honor.

You sound wonderful. I envy you in your ability to think and do what you know is the right thing for you at any given time. This takes a really strong person and I wish I had more of you in me. I have a vision of you in my head now and it is clearly in a business suit with briefcase. It fits with how you write and think. I bet spending the summer in denim was a complete release for you and very healing also. I wonder what the WS's thought of this? A complete change in appearance and attitude? Next time you need to get a point across to him and want to make it clear you mean business show up in the suit again and I guarantee he will sit up and take notice you are serious.

Take Care!

Hi Dukhuntr,

Actually, I think doing things you are really bad at, provides far more distraction than just about anything else. Doing things you are good at doesn't require the same focus or concentration.

I plan to get handy. I am the least handy person you are likely to meet. However, there is a challenge to improving -particularly when you are truly awful at something.

I plan to follow Holiday's example and learn how to lay tile. I would definitely like to install some moldings, refinish some marble, try some fancy faux paint finishes.

I have spent the evening cleaning out some of my bookcases. Apparently I own a 124 cook books. I use to read them at night to help me fall asleep. Cookbooks and bulb cataglogues are perhaps the most peaceful bedside reading that I can think of.

I find cleaning relaxing so I have been working at clearing out closets, decluttering, all worth while projects. Right now amidst so much change, I find it reassuring to be putting things in order. If anything I will at least end up with freshly painted neat closets. Plus which you find really great stuff. I've just come across a charcoal portrait of the dog. I forgot we had it done after winning it at a slient auction. He looks fabulous! I've put him in a place of honour - moving some of Mr. Midnight's trophies out to make space.

I just have this need to stay busy. It coincides with a time when I actually have alot to do: to organize my home for sale, wind down my involvement in our company, organize family matters and rethink my livelihood.

I have set up my mountain bike on my trainer - in my office. I am training for some longer distance cycling trips. My brother is doing a cycling trip to Cuba in February, I may or may not go.. but I thought it wouldn't hurt to be in shape to do the distances should I want to. I am looking forward to snow.. then the dog and I can go cross country skiing.

Typical things people do when they have been jilted I guess.. but they do seem to help...



Cheers,

PB

Hi paradise,

You need to remember who you are talking to here. I used all of my hyper-energy to clean my entire home of all visible signs of the EX by the third week she was gone. I also managed to rid myself of two truckloads of junk that went to the dump. I saw the floor of one closet for the first time in 20 years that week. You could tell by the difference in the paint color between the walls above the junk line and those below.

From there I moved on to the basement and went to town there also. The EX was great for ideas and starting projects but dismal at the finishing and clean-up. For example she painted the walls on the stairs to the basement while I was hunting one weekend two years ago. She said she wanted to put up crown molding at the ceiling line and did not paint where that was to be installed. It's still unpainted and waiting for me to finish now. As I said great ideas and starts but a poor finisher. Same as our marriage huh!

Challenges huh. I think I just stuck my hand up for one of those this week. Our duck club has 126 members and is run as a farm corporation. The treasurer is retiring from the board to relax and enjoy hunting more now that he is retired from his career also. I volunteered to take over the position(unpaid of course)and just got back from my first meeting. Four hours it took to talk about all the crap we deal with. This does not include the time I am going to spend each month writing checks, meeting with the bookkeeper, issuing new stock certs, etc every month. I don't think I need to worry anymore about dwelling on other stuff too long.

I think you need to make sure Mr. Midnight's trophy's find an appropriate storage area to compliment their significance to you. Do you have a septic tank? How about a dark, musty spider infested crawl space?

Alrighty then, I hope you are treating the dog to some special attention these days. I am off to hit the hay. I am working out at 4:30am with some friends that do call if I don't show by 5:00. Nothing makes my son grumpier than a 5:00am wake up call!

Hello,

Hope you are all well.

Still tiling and now repainting the family room. What a chore! Hopefully this will all be completed prior to Thanksgiving company.

PB...I just love the way you write. I can't tell you that enough. I am sorry to read that your WS is still a schmuck (love that movie, must have seen it 10 times by now. The way Diane Keaton's character crys as she types kills me.) Have you seen the movie As Good as it Gets? Very deep messages there also.
I am now reading a book called "Love Must be Tough" by Dr Dobson. It was recommended on another post here on MB. Very interesting.

This past week (H home alot more since classes than in 22 years) my H has been nit picking at me (which not until this past weekend did he even notice), to the point that our daughter and I smile at each other each time he does it. When he is stressed he complains about the "little things". On Saturday after major tile work, I finally broke down and explained to him I couldn't tolerate it any longer. He fought back for a moment and then, for the first time in years, he whole heartedly apologized. Amazing. Not that he is inconsiderate of my feelings, just in the past we always wrote things off like a joke. His apology gave me the warmest feelings of love for him in a long while.

The book I am reading describes your dealings with your WS, PB. Setting him free which you have done. That is what I did after my H's second A. I basically told him I couldn't live with him if I could no longer trust him and he would need to make every effort to prove I could trust him for the rest of our lives together. If he chose to continue on his poor path, it would be without me. So now he works on us everyday.

PB, why do you think your H hasn't asked for a divorce? How long does he think he can go on this way? How long does he think you can go on this way? You are always in my prayers.

DH, RE: your WS...

This sounds just like my H's oldest sister. She has been married 3 x's. She has A's to end the marriages. She even had an A, two days before her second marriage. She went through intense counseling near the end of her 3rd marriage ($90,000.00 in 1999 for a 9 week inpatient stay). They found her to be a sex addict. I feel today she is a mentally unstable. To her, everything she does is justified. (She has also been in at least 6 law suits that I know of.) Everyone else is to blame for her unhappiness in life. Strange, when the nieces and nephews were small they all called her Crazy Aunt Pat. I think she is a narcissistic sociopath. Scarey.

Have you read anything on this personality disorder? She used to run her CC up to buy items to impress other people in her social circle. My 3rd BIL almost lost a business he had created for 15 years before marrying her. After 4 years now he is happily remarried to a wonderful lady.

I always tell myself that we can't control other people. They cannot control us. We only have control over ourselves.

I think for both you and PB, there is someone out there just waiting to find good people like you two.

Peace,
holiday

Holiday,

Thank you for the vote of confidence. I am hoping that things will start to turn my way soon also. All I can do is control myself at this point. You hit on the same theme my IC has been pounding me on. He even gave me a sheet to read repeatedly about this issue. I have to let it all go and concentrate my energy and focus on my own life rather than looking to fix someone else's.

Crazy Aunt Pat, not something to aspire to is it. The EX's brothers and their issues have given my kids the same sort of outlook on them. The kids love their uncles because they have been there for them their whole lives but they sure don't respect them. I think this is what is eating my daughter up so much. Her mother had lived a model life until her A. Seeing a "good person" make such a bad choice in life is tough to swallow. Watching her live that choice is even harder. I am not sure what the kids perception of all of this is anymore. The kids have so much going on in their lives on their own that I'm not sure this is that big a deal for them anymore. I think they would love to have the family together again but I don't think it is at the top of their priority list anymore. Or at the very least they just don't want to think about it anymore. I am looking to do the same myself soon if I can.

I am at the point in all of this that I wish I had not gone looking for her when I knew she was with him. I think the trauma from that ordeal has made this harder to recover from. I truely wish I could have just sat at home and waited to see what she decided to do knowing I had discovered her secret. I know she probably would have lied and said she was alone and I may have believed her. Denial on my part but I think I would have had less emotional damage to deal with. Accepting the reality of her choice in this the key to recovery for me. She is piloting her own plane and has the controls now. I am no longer her co-pilot helping plot her course in life. Nor am I any influence on her whatsoever. Finding contentment with this and letting go is proving harder for me than I ever comprehended.

It feels good to me just to hear about you H showing you the respect and affection he did. I know it must have made you feel good about it too! There are good people out there for all of us, finding them and then keeping the R strong and alive is the challenge. Sounds like you have a handle on this, so keep it up! It gives the rest of us hope that we can get to a similar place in life again some day.

Hi Holiday and Dukhuntr,

Holiday,

I knew you would be doing something very productive. Although, it is hard when you are doing it, think how nice it will be when all the tile and paint work is done and you get to sit back and admire it.

I am also really happy you are having warm feelings of love for hubby. I can't thnk of anything that would make tile laying more appealing than warm feelings of love.

Dukhuntr,

I vote for letting go too. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do.. it just is harder doing it than saying it - isn't it. It is helpful to remember this is a one day at a time kind of scenario. Each day hopefully alittle better than the last.

Everyone I think in the end formulates their own remedy for healing. Mine was lots of time at the beach...lots of time with the dog, family, friends .. alittle travel and shoe shopping. Writing the journals really helped too, I can look back at some of the entries and remember just how much I was hurting ... compared to how I feel now.

Even my appetite has returned, for the last four months I really haven't been eating. I had no desire to cook because every thing tasted like sawdust. Yesterday I made a grilled cheese sandwich and it tasted like heaven.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

A long very busy day, which has culminated in a very bold move. I threw out my sofa - tonight. I gritted my teeth and just did it. Now I am in writhing agony. I loved that sofa.

I have stood in a variety of different furniture stores over the last three years - credit card out attempting to buy a new leather sofa. Every time I actually laid the card on the counter, I would get a vivid image of my dog's hind end hunched in the air, tail wagging fiercely, front paws digging in a blur of speed and energy, ears waggling side to side.

When my dog is happy he digs either in my bed or in my couch. The cushions fly about the room to a rhythmic ripping of fabric.

My sofa was refinished perhaps four years ago.. it looks like it has resided in a frat house for say the last 20 years. It is a tattered shredded gloriously comfortable place to be. The dog and I curl up together to watch TV, the three of us - dog, sofa and me - a symbiotic union of cozy home life.

Next week, two of my friends (who design) are visiting my home. Although I did have a slip cover that shielded visitors from most of the gory horror. I thought I better just get rid of it before I had to face their looks of shocked disbelief - head shaking - This won't do - kind of reaction.

The truth is my dog is very obedient. If I told him not to he would stop digging in the couch. It just that it amuses me so. I love to watch him go for it... My husband never understood the entertainment I derived from watching his nightly attack on the upholstery. Oh well....

So now I will go buy a leather sofa .. that I will slipcover so the dog and I can live on it and when company comes we will whip off the slipcover so that for a few hours - a perfectly intact leather sofa with nary a scratch is on display for visitors. Make sense- not really?

Journal,

Funny, how you can think you are pretty much over something then it turns around and bites you. I find if I stay really busy, and I have as little contact with Mr. Midnight as possible - I don't do too badly. I am a productive functioning person.

Tonight he stopped by with an employee to pick up a big screen TV. I will use my Dad's which is smaller but suitable for the amount of time I watch TV.

I watched him load it up and pick up some tapes and DVDs. The hardest part is saying good by on these occassions. After 25 years of always kissing someone on parting... it feels so awkward to be standing there, three feet apart...giving little waves to each other.

He called me last night - to complain. He had washed his cell phone, locked his keys in the truck and wasn't sleeping well. I lisened patiently wondering what he was feeling.

HIs family continues to call regularly. My MIL wants me to commit to her that I will be there when as she describes it - he comes to his senses. I am non-commital. I don't think he is crazy anymore. I believe he is actually doing what he wants to do, which is something few of us really do in life.

On the plus side, it frees me up to do what I want to do. I just have to discover what that is...

Right now, I think I will watch As Good As It Gets, I have not seen it in awhile and it is one of my favourites. The dog and I have just had a nice roast beef dinner. No sofa yet - so we will be stretching out on a camping air mattress.

I find I really like looking at rooms from views I don't see very often. When I was painting my closets I would sit and look out at the room from inside them. In my office I often get up and sit across the desk in a visitor's chair so I have a fresh perspective. Lying on the floor on my air mattress will give me a slightly different perspective. It can't hurt.

Paradise,

Just imagining the dog attacking a couch does bring a smile and chuckle. My dog likes to attack shoes, ones that are tied to feet and moving preferrably. Imagine a 70LB lab grabbing ahold of your tennis shoe and shaking her head like a great white shark while growling menacingly. My son loves to do this with her and that's a riot to watch. It's when an unsuspecting guest mimics this behavior that the fun really begins! You may want to have two couches from the sound of it.

As for letting go, I seem to have gone thru a life change last week. I was grumpy, irratable and upset all week. I think it finally settled into me that I have to go forward with the assumption she is gone and live for myself. Until then I had always felt like I was waiting for her fog to lift and come running home to me. That is just not going to happen. Even if the fog lifts it not going to happen that way so why live like that?

I still think about her and what has happened much of every day and I hope that starts to clear more soon. For me it's been eight months now of constant thoughts of what if's or how or why. I think my breakthrough on this has been to look back at my marriage with my IC and see the traits in both of us that led to this. Her non-confrontatiional avoidance of telling me anything that would reflect poorly on her or anything that she felt would hurt or upset me. Her issues with entitlement and the inability to accept faults. And really with my own ways in which I developed all of these activities that did not include her, and how I was more of a parent than a husband in regard to bailing her out of her credit card problems.

Understanding yourself and what you could have done better makes you think about the whole picture instead of just the betrayal itself. I know I did some things I should not have and that I was not the model husband. At the same time I know nothing I was doing or not doing entitled her to have an A. I really believe she had a weak moment and let something happen and now is too deep in this to feel she could recover what she had. IC would be a godsend for her but she is just too stubborn and proud to open up and let someone else in on what all has gone on in her mind and with the OM. The problem is that she can't bring herself to believe that I would do anything she wanted to make this work if she would only agree to NC and to MC. Accepting that I can't control her or get her to do any of this lets me feel I can let go now. I can't make her do anything she is not willing to do and I can't shame her or coerce her either. If she wants it she has to do it on her own and all I have to do is decide at that time if I still want the same thing. As you said easier said than done, but I am very close to being there now. I know I would no longer let her walk right back into the house as I would have a month ago. No way , no how.

Well I am taking the kids to Dollar night at the cantina tonight. Dollar margueritas and tacos. Music and drinks and food with the kids, should be a fun evening. Throw a couch pillow at the dog for me tonight.

You both sound very peaceful today...as Martha says, "its a good thing".

You both now have the time to explore the "real" you.
I hope you both will continue to know how special each of you are in God's eyes and of course, in mine too.

As Buddha says...Everything is in the process of changing.

As I always say...There is nothing more consistant than change.

Change is eventually good...it's a good thing.

Peace,

holiday

Journal,

One thing I do miss about Mr. Midnight - is his heartbeat. He is a runner and has a very slow heart beat. At night I could lay my ear against his back and lisen to a reassuring thud dud ..........thud dud...........thud dud. It would slow me down just liseing to it and I would often drift off to sleep to that measured beat. I've tried lisening to the dog's heart beat but his is very fast and he drools on me when I try to get close enough to lisen. Normally these days we sleep back to back. The dog's head on my pillow. I can feel when he falls into deep sleep. His body stiffens for a moment. There is a medical term for it which I forget.

The dog fell asleep while I was reading in bed last night. He was dreaming with his eyes open. Dogs eyes have a film - a sort of a second eyelid - that when this happens really makes them look like devil dogs. His lips were twitching with muffled barks, his legs moved back and forth chasing someone I'm sure.

I think being newly single is hardest late at night. The house is quiet. The bustle of the day, phone calls, activities has abated. One is left alone with one's thoughts and in my case a dog that snores....

Paradise,

I think just being home alone at any time is the hardest part of being "newly single". There are so many reminders of the life you shared with someone else there with you, even if you have cleaned out pictures and other more visible objects. It does get easier and I had to think back to remember what you are feeling because I haven't had that feeling in a month or two.

That's funny, me telling you something to look forward to! After I wrote this, I had that thought come almost instantly to mind. It is different, you have to admit, for me to be telling you something positive to look forward to. I am the one who has been the needy one lately. All negative and dour. I feel free and relieved this week though. I hope it's not just a lull in the mental storm. I am ready for some peace in my life.

The dream the dog was having was of a demented woman chasing after him with a set of tie on antlers and a collar covered in bells. She was singing "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer" and sloshing rum from a large tumbler as she went. I would say he was running from a devilish Mom not imagining he was a devil dog.

Hi Dukhuntr,

LOL, We all have our nightmares, I guess. The dog really doesn't mine the antlers that much. He gets lots of attention when he is wearing them. Some years we go to the local Santa parade and Christmas fair, the dog in full reindeer regalia. He is a big hit with the kiddies.

At night, we have a major play session. The dog has a big basket of toys on the living room rug. What he likes best is for me to sit there and take out each toy one at a time and show them to him. I think it makes him feel toy rich.

Occassionally, when I try to weed out the truly ratty ones, he will retrieve them from the garbage and carry them back over to his basket and drop them in - looking at me sternly. Don't mess with my things Mom!

Cheers,

Paradise

Paradise,

You know I am just ribbing you , right? Your dog lives a life most people would envy I'm sure. I am just in a good mood and I hope to get you into one also. Do you know the words to "Grandma got run over by a Reindeer"? That is an image that has me ROFLMAO. Paradise inebriated and chasing the dog with the antlers spilling her favorite rum the whole time. Think about that and tell me you don't start laughing a little!

Humor and fun have a definite place in our recovery and I am starting to recover my sense of humor. You had best watch out now! I used to spread the ribbing around the office at work and I got it back tenfold. I came in one morning last fall to my office completely covered in tin foil. Everything was covered including individual pieces of paper in my in basket. They even took the switch plate off the wall wrapped it and put it back. Not a crinkle in any of it either. It had to take several people hours to do this. I know it took two of us two hours to take it all down!

I believe Holiday will love the thought of you and the dog I have described and I can hardly wait for her to chime in. Have a great day tomorrow!