Grandma got run over by a reindeer, coming home from our house Christmas Eve, you might say there's no such thing as Santa...but as for me and Grandpa we believe!

I love that song. My kids and I used to sing it all the time (still do).

All is well. Going to tile more today (don't you get sick of hearing about it?...I get sick of laying the darn stuff.)

I am sorry about your "new single" lives. But I have a feeling something special is coming each of your ways.

holiday

Hey Tile Girl,

Tell me you at least got a good chuckle out of envisioning paradise, the song and the dog. It would be so out of character for her I thought it was hysterical.

Special for me would be to be able to feel content and satisfied I did the best I could to make things work. I am so close to being there it bugs me now when I go a step backward. It's because I recognize it now for what it is, a waste of emotion and effort on my part. If it is going to happen now it's not going to be because of anything I did or did not do, it's going to be her that does it. I just have to live like it's a new beginning for me and look ahead instead of over my shoulder at what she is doing. I don't think I have to learn to dislike her or write her off completely in my future. I just can't go on pining away over her and holding on to the hurts she has laid on me.

Have fun with the tile and grout and don't forget to get the best sealer you can to protect your hard work. Have a nice weekend!

Journal,

The dog and I are exhausted. We had dinner with friends tonight and then went Christmas shopping. His taste never falters, but my feet got sore.

I tried on some clothes tonight. I ended up buying the same skirt I bought in the summer just in black. I have consistent taste. The dog is an interested companion on such occasions, although he does cast a curious eye under the doors of other women's changerooms. Alittle pair of twinkling male eyes suddenly appearing out of nowhere - can startle the unsuspecting.

Later, we curled up together to watch Briget Jones - The Edge of Reason tonight. It is funny funny movie. The dog got two helping of beef soup kibble tonight - to celebrate the commencement of the weekend. While I sipped a cuba libre.

Friday nights are tad more peaceful these days. I still miss the dinner making ritual of chatting while chopping, cooking etc. Often now, microwave popcorn is my entree of choice. Oddly I find when I shop I still buy Mr. Midnight's favourite treats. Somehow they end in my cart without me noticing it.

Many of the little rituals of married life stay with you somehow...

Paradise and Holiday,

I am totally blasted as I write this, Don't know why just seemed like the thing to do tonight! Made a pass at a woman at the bar we frequent and pissed her off totally. Not smart but I at least know it. Is it something about being a man in a predominately male bar that turns you into an A******? I didn't think we said anything bad she just got up and said she was sick of us and left.

Alcohol is not a proper outlet for me right now! I need to stay sober and lucid. I hope you both had a good day and I will talk to you both on Monday. Going to reduce the bunny population in a friends alfalfa field tomorrow. Good night!

Ewww, DH you sound like my BIL...he takes care of the "prairrie dog" pop every year...yuck.

Drinking to the point of perversion in the bar you "frequent" doesn't sound like a good thing (go to another bar for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).

You probably just weren't yourself and had you been she probably would have loved to chat with you. But, basically, I believe girls in bars aren't the kind of girls that you need right now.

We should both be at PB's house sippin cuba libre's with her and letting her chop and cook to her heart's delight just for us!

Is a cuba libre a rum drink. I think I have heard of that...sounds delish!

Finished the tile (minus the kitchen which is another 300 sq ft after company leaves next week). Too much to do and not enough time, especially with 3 guests coming and staying 5 days.

I think H and I will hit a movie tonight. I haven't been out (other than to the grocery store or the local hardware store) in over a week.

Have a nice Saturday evening....and PB, I love Bridget movies too. Have you viewed the English movies like Pride and Prejudice? Or Emma? Or any movie with Hugh Grant or Colin (my favorite) Firth?

holiday

Hey Holiday,

I would be happy to chop and cook for you. It is so much more fun to cook for other people. I really enjoy entertaining. However, when it is just me - I am inclined to eat whatever is handy while standing over the sink. Tuna on a cracker anyone?

I am a big Jane Austen fan - she was so observant of people -she understood them in all their humanity. In particular, I believe she just nails down what it is like to be female. For men trying to understand the fairer sex, there can be no better primer. When visiting England a few years back and I stayed in Bath and sat in the Assembly Room ballroom admiring the two enormous exquisite chandeliers she would have danced under. I squinted my eyes trying to see/imagine them dance gracefully, moving to and fro across the floor.

I have all the Austen movies in their various editions. The only book she wrote that hasn't been made into a movie was Lady Susan. I loved Sense and Sensibility with Emma Thompson and Pride Prejudice with Colin Firth - the pond scene - yummy! Persuasion is very touching, it was her last book, and then of course Emma with the marvelous Gwyneth! Just great entertainment where no one is shot and the scenery is so beautifully detailed. I can watch them again and again. They calm me.

I was out at a wine tasting tonight. Mr. Midnight has the dog. It seems quiet here without him. Oddly, with the dog in tow, I still feel as though I am part of a couple. Without him - I am definitely solo. My three friends and I go back some twenty years. I am doing an album just of our photos over the years - so many great memories together.

When Mr. Midnight dropped in for the dog with 15 minutes notice, I was on way out and just smiled and kept going. It still feels weird to me. It is like my husband has disappeared. There is walking taiking body that looks like him - but it is not the same man - at all. It is hard to believe that you could be best friends with someone for close to 31 years and that their personna could just vanish!. If he had been lost skiing in some crevasse or sailing, I would be marshalling all of our resources to find him again. With this, I just work every day to accept it without acrimony.

You are tile liberated now! Way to go girl, I will be following your brave example soon. I am trying to find a tile laying seminar near me. Home Depot is one of my favourite stores right now. They have classes and seminars! I lisen with rapt attention.

I have ambition to replace the tile in my foyer, install new cabinet doors in the kitchen and perhaps countertops - plus I think I will paint just about everything. A complete change of decor, it will keep me busy at night.

Although the dog is not impressed by painting or housework.. he appears not to understand the merit of either when we could be at the beach instead! He lies on the marble floor, head on his paws, with sad reproachful eyes that follow me about the room. Occasionally there is a sigh and a very audible huff!

I hope you enjoy your date with hubby... and have lots more warm feelings of love...

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I washed out my Dad's toolbox, this afternoon. Old screwdrivers, pliers, many things I don't know the name or use of... but which I am determined to learn about.

I had a little cry. I miss him. I know I will continue to miss him every day. It is incredibly lucky though to have had someone in your life for so long who could consistently understand you and always wisely give you what you needed - to grow. With Dad it was usually just a question.. a way to subtly shift your thoughts to a more open balanced outlook.

Even now as I neatly put back each item.. he is giving me what I need. The tools to improve my circumstance, what more could I ask for.

It has been a lazy day.. lying about reading most of the morning. Harry Potter and a Goblet of Fire by J.K. Rowling for a second time before I go to the movie! Now that is a great story - a single mom on assistance who wrote in a tea shop during the day so she had only to pay for heat in the evenings when her daughter was home. Who is now richer than the Queen of England! And alternately the Wisdom of Forgiveness by the Dalai Lama and Victor Chan, a great wise book that is actually quite entertaining.

Soon I will get ready to go out to a friend's for dinner. She is a 45 year old dentistry professor, who today for the first time in her life is cooking a chicken! I have had frequent phone calls for instruction. Every time she calls I laugh when I see her number displayed but I am carefully polite and helpful. I know I will have a hard time not giggling during dinner...

Hi guys,

Made it back from the barren wastelands of Northern Nevada with most of my brain cells intact. It turns out there was a birtday party this weekend at the ranch for one of our friends. Must have been 15 people up there in all manner of trailers and campers. Had a huge bon-fire and drank well into the night. I can honestly say I did not think of the EX or any of the usual garbage until late this afternoon on the trip home. What a nice change. It may have been because of all the things going on and all of the different people involved, all I know is I enjoyed every minute of it. I managed to stay semi-sober the whole trip too!

We cut up and vacuume wrapped 5 lambs today before we came home. The ranch is an actulal working ranch running several thousand sheep and almost as many cattle. The owner is the fourth or fifth generation to be running the place. He was a fraternity brother of ours and is just a simple hard working rancher and as good a man as you could ever want to meet. His wife is just as nice and a city girl who chose the life and has adapted wonderfully to it. We bought the lambs from him and he helped us cut them up( and helped drink the beer).

I may need help with recipies on some of the cuts, when you buy the whole lamb you get some things you would not normally buy. Shoulder roasts for example. I know about the chops and legs, but a lamb shoulder? How about the riblets?

Holiday -

Good job on the tile! Is H duly impressed? I would be.
I hope you had a good night at the movies.

Paradise-

I know what you mean about cooking. It just seems a waste to go to all of that trouble for yourself. Grabbing something easy and fast makes more sense for me too. Cold cuts and a handful of nuts will do nicely when all else seems like too much work. Now with a whole lamb in the freezer I may have to breakdown and figure out some new and more involved cooking skills.

Have a good night!

No, no no you two!
Always make something special for yourselves especially at dinner time. And never eat over that sink PB! If you make too much, save it for lunch the next day.

We had a nice time at the movies and our daughter came along. We went to see, PB...Harry Potter. Very good movie, but my daughter always tells me the books are much more powerful (she is my little bookworm).

Glad to hear you remained semi sober DH...and had a great time. Hope to hear of some great dinners with you lamb!

We drove to Bullhead City yesterday afternoon for a pre Thanksgiving dinner with my niece and nephew (and x SIL whom I still love very much). Was wonderful.

I hope you two have a wonderful Monday. I am off for my daily jog and then hitting the sewing machine for a day of catch up.
Peace,
holiday

Hey Guys,

I have come to the conclusion that the hardest thing for me to deal with now is the connection I used to share with the EX. If I was having a bad day or just felt like talking I always had her to turn to. Now you guys seem to be where I turn because friends get sick of hearing your woes and just have a full plate of their own to deal with.

Not that I mind talking to you but I do feel this loss the most right now. Over 28 years of building this trust and friendship you come to rely them instinctly and don't realize how much value you placed on this connection until it is no longer there to turn to. I am being completely dark with her now to try and keep some feeling alive for her deep down inside. As you both have told me contact with her is still toxic for me and I do seem to get better if I don't see her, hear about her, or talk to her in any way.

I fight the urge constantly to quiz the kids about how she is doing or what she is up to now. Paradise, I don't know how you can be so closely associated with Mr. Midnight and keep your composure as you do. Speaks volumns about your resolve and personal strength. I think I would be completely off my rocker by now in your sich. All of that leads me to believe that I really will look for that type of relationship again someday. I know if I find someone to trust and connect with again, I will be much more careful to guard this trust and make sure they put the same value on this as I do.

Eibrab- you have been thru the same thing, is this something you are missing too? I just can't seem to feel completely relaxed and confident in myself yet. A sure sign for me I should not be out looking for anyone new in my life yet. And when I do I am afraid I will be so gunshy about trust I will probably run off someone who could have been that friend and companion.

Starting to ramble here so I will get back to work and be productive again instead of a space cadet.

Hi Dukhuntr,

I am not so sure about my resolve and strength. I was in the process of unloading my car just now and the OW walked around me several times... trying to start up a conversation. I ignored her completely.

Yet she still made me so angry I am shaking. It was all I could do to move my stuff and get out of her way before I really lost it. A couple of our other neighbours were standing there - an audience so to speak.

What's worse Mr. Midnight made off yesterday with my emergency breakage item. I have nothing of meaning of his to break right now... and boy do I need to break something.

Frankly, I think I should move sooner rather than later. I really can't take much more humiliation. I think I am making progress and then I am reduced to a shaking crying bundle of rage in probably under 5 minutes.

I know it is illogical. I know this whole situation is predicated on a choice Mr. Midnights made. However, it is just hellish to live day to day and never know when you are going to have your nose rubbed in it.

````````````````````````````````

I actually dug out Mr. Midnight's wedding band, he stopped wearing it probably 10 years into our marriage because it caught on something and almost caused an accident. I was contemplating flushing it down the toilet.

I am calmer now. I can not stay really mad for that long. It is just exhausting. I did not flush Mr. Midnight's ring down the toilet.

The moments where I am so close to completely losing it yet manage to hold onto my composure - are small victories. The speed with which I can shed the anger, the hurt and return to a balanced outlook shows my progress I thnk. This is just so tough at moments.

The buddists believe that our enemies teach/benefit us much more than our friends. Learning to be compassionate towards someone who for whatever reason means you harm suggests that you are grasping the big picture - which is that we are all interdependent - sort of one canvass. As much as I would like to smudge her portion, instead I have to discipline my self to be understanding of her particular problems. By doing so, I gain big time and immediately, because that understanding will rid me of emotions that harm only me and no one else.

Sorry for the rant... I'm off to make a cup of tea... and coax the dog out of the bedroom. He doesn't see Mom that mad very often.

PB

Paradise,

You have absolutely nothing to be humiliated about. What she did only proved to your other friends what kind of person she really is. I'm proud of you! I'd be willing to bet the other friends are too. They can see for themselves what she was doing and I'm sure they were appalled and afraid of what she was going to do next. You have taken the high road in all of this so keep your head up and held high. She's the one with all of the bad karma and moral ambiguity going thru her head.

I've been in your shoes and did not handle it anywhere near as well as you remember. I'm the one poking fingers into chests and where did it get me? Nowhere fast, thats where. Let this get back to Mr. Midnight and I think even he would be floored by this and not too happy about it either. Let the friends do the talking for you. Be your usual poised and confident self. Get on the bike and go for a long ride on the trainer, all of the anger will disapate faster. Even better go put the dog thru ****** again and get him dressed up in a new holiday outfit. Or you could be really evil and sign the OW up in every online porn site you could find tonight and sit back to see how she likes all of her new mail. Then let her figure out how she got signed up for all of this. I don't believe she would ever think of you doing something like this. More like Mr. Midnight doing some swinging bachelor research on her computer!

I know it sounds easy for me to say but I am speaking from experience. EX and her freedom tour of the town with OM while we were still married felt like a nose rub too. Having him stare at me from across a parking lot while EX pushed me away to protect him in front of my friends was exactly the same feeling. I wish I could have done as you did and ignore the whole messy scene and gone home without the big confrontation that ensued.

I will be home all night checking back to see if you want to talk some more. I wish only the best for you and I hope you are okay.

Hi Dukhuntr,

I have opted for tea and belgium truffles - so far four - my nomal ration for a week. I may stop counting.

I am lisening to a very mellow Norah Jones album - feels like home. It is an odd life isn't it. I find posting here helps immensely sometimes because I am open about how I feel. Without the normal reserve I have with anyone other than my closest friends. I simply would not talk about this with very many people. There must be a fair amount of Brit residue in my DNA.

Thanks for lisening...

Dogs are so sensitive. I brought in my bags, stomped about the kitchen... didn't actually swear or anything..although I did slam some cupboard doors ... and the dog heads off to hide in the bedroom. He has come out, had dinner and is now sitting on my feet.

You know walking around another human being several times with a large smile is hardly criminal. Under the circumstances, it is perhaps insensitive. What is bad behaviour I guess, is Mr. Midnight's choice to create and leave me with this mess. I have no doubt he will move on from this OW to someone new and quite likely younger still.

I think everyone has a right to end relationships if they don't meet your needs, but to end it by chasing after one of your wife's friends is just tacky. I think I will be able to banish the anger and the hurt but the disappointment I believe will linger.

Cheers,

PB

Hi paradise,

The joke may be that I have no idea what a truffle is! Is it animal, vegtable or pastry? You can see my redneck showing here can't you? Any joke I have heard recently comes from a construction company environment and is not suitable for this site. I have a very poor memory for jokes anyway and always screw them up. The only one that has stuck with me recently is one about a blonde receptionist. It stays with me because of the resemblence to EX. It goes like this:
Q- How can you tell your blonde receptionist is having a bad day?

A- She has a tampon behind her ear and her pencil is missing!

I love that one! I even asked EX if she had lost her pencil recently during a conversation. Of course she didn't get it but I got a chuckle out of it. Strange how we can get a jolly out of something so stupid. As I said earlier it is easier to talk here than with anyone else. They have nothing to compare the depth of our hurts to unless they themselves have been in this sich. My closest friend recently, the one who takes me to the ranch, has been thru this, and he has been my biggest supporter. He is keenly aware of how hard this hits you and how low you can get. I have been to the Giants games with him, hunting several times and to his home at least once a week since D-Day. I hadn't seen him this much in the last ten years combined. Goes to show that there are good people out there that have been thru this and want to see you make it too. He is hapily married to a second wife that is a wonderful woman. The coinsidence there is that she went to school with Ex and I. She has been right there for me too.

So what is a truffle?

Hi Dukhuntr,

Chocolate! Very very good chocolate. Oh the term can also mean a kind of mushroom considered a delicacy.

I was driving in the country tonight on some very dark roads. When a bunny ran in front of my car. I braked and slowed to a crawl behind him/her (I can't tell with bunnies from a distance). It ran in front for quite a while, my headlights highlighting its fluffy white tail. When it finally darted away into a field ... I thought of your weekend ... lucky bunny.

You're right. There are times in life where our friends really come through for us. I think we have to come through for us too. It is a process all right...

I am trying to think of something funny that will make us both laugh. Give me a moment...

Cheers,

PB

Paradise,

I got a laugh just from you last post! I imagined you talking to the bunny in Elmer Fudd's voice telling him to be verrry carefulll you waskkally wabbitt.

Chocolate is good and on a night like tonight calories are non-existent. Your girlish figure will not be affected by these calories in the least. Anger and emotions will burn all the calories, so enjoy them without guilt!

P.S. - We don't shoot the cottontail rabbits unless we are planning a meal out of them. They are really good eating bunnies. We only shoot the jackrabbits with the big ears and long legs that breed like mice and become a vermin to farmers trying to make a living off the land. Plus they are the main food source for Nevada's coyotes that also take a heavy toll on our friends lambs during the spring when the ewes are birthing. Reducing the food reduces the coyotes for next year at the same time.

Hi Dukhuntr,

When I was younger, I had a gift for mischief. When I was probably around 7 or 8. I put a very large cricket up my Dad's pant leg when he wasn't looking. When it started to move about - he promptly jumped out of his pants.

Unfortunately, at that exact moment, my Mom was having her entire ladies church group in for tea. She was really mad at me for a very long time. My Dad thought it was pretty hysterical.

I can still remember my Dad's panicked dance about in his underwear and the shocked looks on all those women's faces.

I hope this makes you smile. I am going to have a quick bath and go to bed. Being so mad has just completely tuckered me out.

Cheers

PB

P.S. I know what you mean about the connection though... so many shared moments.. shared emotions ... shared thoughts.. it is like a woven mesh of joined existence.

Paradise,

I knew there was a hint of deviltry in you. I bet you have been at the keyboard all night registering OW in all manner of sites. Rest well and remember you are the only one in this mess with Midnight and OW that has a clear conscience. Allow youself some peace with that thought and I will be checking in on you tomorrow.

Journal,

I had some spare time this afternoon - so I have been reading various threads on this site. There are remarkable stories here - testiments to the strength and adaptability of the human spirit. Women raising their husbands - OCs - tales of hope and forgiveness.

Couples overcoming enormous challenges to stay together. I do believe staying together is the harder option. I am barely coping with the little contact I have with Mr. Midnight - I can only imagine how difficult it would be to try to start at square one again.

I am ashamed of myself for getting so upset last night. As one very wise friend said to me this afternoon. You have no business allowing someone else to poison your good nature. She is absolutely right of course. I either I have to move or I have to be able to ignore the OW on all levels -easier said than done.

Ultimately, it is his decision not hers that caused the mess. I need a reality check I think.

Paradise,

I've been waiting to see if you would be here today. I hear that you have regained your composure and you sound much better!

What is there for you to be ashamed about? Did you do something other than be victimized by the OW? Yes you let her get into your nuggett but who in this world could have been strong enough to go thru that and not get upset or angry. The Dali Llama himself would have had anxiety over this himself. Cut yourself some slack here and get back on track. It's only a small step back down a long trail of success you have achieved. We all live in reality and you are the last person in need of a check up. You have already seen this for what it was. A cheap shot at you from the OW, out of spite. Or is it out of frustration that you have been such a model of consistency and resolution? Living her life of immorality and day to day stress has to have taken a toll by now. Maybe you have seen the first sign of weakness on her part.

Don't let her change a thing in you or your dealings with Mr. Midnight. She is a bump in the road for both of you waiting to get run over one way or another. You have way too much going for you to let her affect how you live your life from now on. Maybe you should hit the road again soon for another recharge in attitude. Tahoe is beautiful right now and I will give you the VIP tour anytime you want. I owe it to your for educating me on what it is to be a real woman and for keeping me sane and out of jail these past few weeks we have been talking. Weeks, or months now? I will have to look back. It seems like weeks doesn't it?
All I know is I have come to value your outlook on A's and life in general. It would hurt me to no end to hear that OW could do anything to dampen your spirit or change the outlook you have on your life and what is to come for you.

Stay strong and focused, you are the rock Mr. Midnight and OW are spinning aroud. Don't let them get you to spinning too!