Dukhunter..

I feel so unqualified to answer your question as to whether or not I feel the same as yourself and Paradise. I read here every day for the inspiration that the two of you and Holiday offer. I am very much the same in so many ways, but also very different in the turn of my life's events.

I never truly shared my story here. I only sought refuge with a small group of people who I think would be the finest choice to find myself on a deserted island with. I wish life's distances would allow me to hunt a duck with you, lay some tile with Holiday and most of all walk the beaches with Paradise. The shorelines are my passion. I would wish to retire to Hawaii and run a small charter fishing boat for the great marlin or rent rooms in small cottages off the coast of Nova Scotia. I did some work outside of Halifax once. That is God's design there. But, I dwell in a four-season state and today I was freezing..

In a nutshell..may I share ?

I married the first man to hold my hand. He is a bit older and a very different personality than I... very powerful in his mannerisms and confident to the extreme.

After many years of a very one-sided marriage, we parted briefly. My split from my H was similar to your's Duk. Very fast and trainwreck-like (said with the utmost of respect). We farm together, and I have my own sideline business of the horse "thing", so I never went far. We continued to see each other consistantly. We have two dear children, a daughter 13, and a son 9.

At a point where it seemed to work for both of us, God took my hand and brought about the most amazing of reconciliations. If you had told me that I would be back amongst a life where I was a "hired-hand" and completely bowled over on a daily basis, I would not have believed you.

And here I am . :-) Not totally a bad thing..

During the reconciliation, my H started an A with a local married woman. A very loud, brazen, immature sort. I failed to see it for what it was worth until it was at a full-blown war that got very ugly in my attempts to save my family. God was with me. He gave me strengths to endure what I don't feel any human being could go through on their own.

After some much deserved family time in Hawaii, my H sat me down at a point where I truly felt the affair had been over for almost a year and shared with me that he had failed both myself and my children and that in a short "comeback" attempt from this OW, he found himself facing me and telling me that this OW was at the time 5 months pregnant.

Granted, she was and continues to be married.

This is my story. The OW's H and I became friends during the affair but do not have contact now. It seems the OW pulled every trick she could to win the "prize" (said lightly in Paradise fashion) and after seeing that I would stand by my H's side, she fashioned a perfect marraige once again with her H.

The tragedy continues in that this woman has a severly handicapped child and was told to never have another. And she chose to do this. I do believe it is a choice... there are measures that even cheaters can take.

DNA was done, my H carries this child on his health insurance as his "part". I don't know what comes next. There is supposedly no contact with any parties. I have reason to believe this OC is handicapped as well. I'm not sure how my prayers in this have been answered...but I have faith that God knows what he is doing.

You ask how I feel ? My H is a better man. He is very different to the kids and I. I for once feel like this man truly loves me..I, however, feel a bit lost.

I hope that I fashion myself after Paradise. I pride myself in maintaining class and dignity and I'll be darned if I ever let my outward appearance reflect the inside. I suffer in my own mind constantly. I am like you all here...Constantly searching.

Is he here because he wants to be ? Is he nice to ME..or to the idea that another human being would go through such evilness to stand by his side.

What will come of this all ? What do the folks in this small town think of me?

The month before this child was born, I was featured in a national magazine for my profession in a wonderfully written article that should have had me soaring to new heights.. What did I do? The same thing I have done in battling this A for almost two years now... I hid. I ran from the phone calls, I returned none of them.. I let others dig me a hole.

I want out of that hole. I may be happy now, but funny thing, I'm not certain of it...like you, Dukhunter. We are where we are in our lives... Is it so bad?

God Bless each of you..

Eibrab

PS through my whole ordeal, I never stooped to any undesireable levels.. Paradise, I am so proud of your demeanor in your "walk-around" yesterday. She isn't worth your time..and I'd advice you not to tell Mr. Midnight. He would not believe the words from you... His finding out her true self in other ways will come back ten-fold in gracious rewards towards you in his eventual returning to his senses.

Hi Eibrab,

Your story is poignant, sad, full of pain, loss and surprisingly beautiful and hopeful... because your marriage made it through the fire. With faith and your considerable strength I believe you will find it worth the sacrifice in the long haul.

On a positive note, just think when you are wheeling hubby around in the nursing home - you can prop him in the corner, with your cups of tea in front of you and say: "Dear what was her name?".

I am impressed with you more than I can say. You should be proud of yourself. I can well imagine what small town life must have been like when that kind of horrid little drama is underway. Everyone feels so sorry for you. Do you not just hate that?

I know there is a lot of pain associated with the OW forming a permanent linkage in your life with the birth of a child. I've had bent out of shape thoughts about whether or not I would be able to handle that very well. My OW confided in me once that in her next relationship she planned to get pregnant - no matter what. Then I was gobsmacked by the truth that it is evil to want to wish away some one out of existence. I am not sure I would be able to face it as you have done.

I found this summer the beach was my salvation. It just seems to heal me everyday. Now with the weather turned cold it is harder to spend the same amount of time there - I miss it very badly.

From everyone I know who is horsy, they are animals which provide excellent company. I like that thought. I like to think of you on your ranch amidst the excellent company of many animals who adore you....

You are in my prayers,

Cheers

PB

Eibrab,

Wow! You need to chime in more often and talk to us about how to cope because you have been thru a Katrina sized storm and come thru batttered and bruised but intact.

I'm not sure why you have doubts about what other people think of you because you have done what we all wish we could accomplish. You have earned the trust and respect of your H and kept your family together. If the other people in your town are like me they too will see the courage, honesty and determination you have shown and admire you, not look down on you. Sounds like you live in a rural area where these traits are valued and you have exhibited all of them in bundles. In my opinion this is where you turned the tide with your H. He sounds like a man who makes you earn his respect. Once you earned this he knows what he could have lost and is placing a much higher value on your R. I work in the construction industry as a controller. I have either worked for or known several men cut from the same cloth as your H. I have learned never to tell them they need to do anything, you simply suggest what you believe is a good course of action and let them mull it over. They make all of their own decisions. Once you have earned their respect they will stand by you and support you even when they think you may be wrong. You are there with your H.

As for feeling confident and secure about yourself you need to let yourself shine in the limelight a little. You have earned this, both in you personal life and thru your work. Bask in the attention from H and from other sources such as the publication. Pride is okay in small and measured doses and you have much to be proud of. If you ever come to Nevada I would gladly take you and the H duck hunting or anywhere else you wanted to go.

Thanks for thinking of my ramblings as inspirational, I know those thoughts are mainly for Paradise and Holiday but to be included with that company feels good to me. I come mainly to vent and seek a calming and more spiritual outlook on life and they provide it. You have been very supportive yourself so keep posting, you have a wealth of experience and understanding to offer. Someday we will all again feel confident and relaxed in our own lives no matter how it turns out with our current or former spouses. Talking here to good people like you, Paradise and Holiday will only help us get there sooner.

Journal,

I have a nice view from my desk, tonight there is a half moon hanging in an inky black sky. It is quiet here. The air is cold enough to leave your face stinging if you are out walking long.

I am reluctant to go to bed, although really tired. I don't think I slept last night.

I have been reading Eibrab's last post several times through...thinking it really is amazing what an open heart can accomplish; keeping a family whole, a business intact, a marriage together. Her story is powerfully insipiring.

A marriage is really a marvelous idea when you think about it. It is a ready exchange of emotion, understanding, love, honesty - founded on the recognition that the other person is so important that you want to spend your most precious resource with them - your time.

In Shall We Dance, there is quote about the purpose of marriage is so there is someone to witness your life. I think it is more than that, it is so there is someone to share/create a life with.

Yesterday, Mr. Midnight told me I was still the person he cared most about in the world. I told him actions speak much louder than words. It must be horribly confusing to be the WS. I don't envy them.

My Dad used to say that it is an art deciding what to view as important in life. Should someone's mistake define them forever? Will I live the rest of my life - thinking of a man I use to love profoundly - as Mr. Midnight? Ouch!

On the plus side, it is probably much more pleasant to the ear, than many other names/descriptions I have strung together in my mind over the last four months. say for example - lying, fox faced tweasle - ( a cross between twit and weasle)!

I would say his major card in the hole right now is that the dog still really loves him. He has been talking about a cute neighbour's little wheaten terrier alot though. If he blows it with the dog ... yowser!

Eibrab and Paradise, you are both truly very classy ladies.

E- I am glad your H is treating you kindly these days. I know you must be wondering when the rug is going to be yanked out from under you again, it's only natural. You probably have a little PTSD going on.

P- I'm sure your H still loves you. I definitely think this man is going thru a mid life crisis and felt an overpowering urge to see what else is out there. I doubt there is much you could have done to keep him from doing what he is doing. I still think someday he will look back and regret it, deeply.


Anyway, with that said, I hope you both have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Holiday, Paradise, Eibrab, and evryone else,

I am off with Mom and Dad to my brothers home in Oregon for the Holiday. I hope all of you have a safe and happy Thanksgiving. Wish me luck, Dad's eyesight ain't what it used to be and he refuses to let anyone else do the driving. 6 hours of hiding my head in a pillow to follow soon.

You all will be in my thoughts on this day of thanks.

paradise, DH, Eibrab (I wonder what that means?) and FCF...
(I know PB enjoyed her Thanksgiving a month or so ago, but hope you will still have a marvelous Thursday), Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

I am "thankful" to have found such compassionate friends here with you posting. I am thankful that even with what life dishes out we remain positive in the long haul.

My little sister and family are here for the next few days, so my posting may be limited.
Making ravioli and ham for tomorrow. Dips and cookies etc (I feel full already).
Peace,
holiday
PS...



This is the best medicine ever. And like karma..."what goes around comes around" (perhaps that is why she was circling)..

Thank you for the holiday well-wishes. I pray for the same for all of you, and Dukhunter's safe return home as well as his eventual re-emergence from his pillow.

Eibrab is backwards for Barbie. I shamefully refuse to give up the haircolor I was born with. It may be vain, but us ladies can get away with it. *grin* A few years back in the height of my seperation from my H, I tried to immerse myself in an on-line game. My character was a short, blonde dawrf. I came to be known as a fun person to play with when no one was seriously out for valor, as I would usually proceed to get everyone's character killed. I called her Eibrab, backwards for Barbie, as she looked like a short, prissy version of me. I don't proclaim to be a "barbie" lookalike, but when you come from an existence full of sweat, dust and coveralls, any attempt at wearing lipstick will earn you a nickname or two.

FCF, I wonder what PTSD is. I am certain it describes me no matter what the meaning.

I am thankful for the respect that you all seemed to share in my story. I have been humiliated ten-fold in sharing it. I am so grateful for a kind soul's sympathy.

Paradise, the sorry feelings you write of... they've never come. Only one person in this whole mess of a town has ever been bold enough to approach me. She was, herself, a complete male basher, so she relished in it. Everyone knows.. I would have felt better to discuss it all at times.

Having my dear daughter come home from school in tears as a friend has mentioned it to her, walking through the school where the OW's mother works and having her completely run from me after having been cordial friends and sitting at my son's athletic events have been more than I think I can handle at times.

It does help to have my dear boy score all three touchdowns at a little league football game where most everyone present had attended a SuperBowl Party just this past year. The same party my H lied and snuck off to.. At the OW's House.

He's been the man I've wanted since he told me. I know he played the fence a bit during it all even though not directly seeing her anymore simply in case I would have ran. I think he is exactly the man Duk described. He would have been even more shamed to have been left alone in this. He might have settled for this shell of a woman simply to escape people's jeering. I worry that I was the easier choice.

Sometimes, when the mood is unbearable, I think maybe I should have been more brave in venturing out as Paradise and Dukhunter have....

And then something happens... even something small, that tells me that I just may be where God has plans for me. Reading here keeps me strong... on the days when I fail I try to remember that I am not alone in having lost trust for the one dearest to me.

I think you all here are stronger than I.

I've not had the courage to through out a couch. :-)

Happy Thanksgiving,

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab,

I think of strength as fluidity, the ability to adapt and master challenges without causing harm. Sometimes when you don't really feel strong - you are being very strong merely by surviving intact no worse for wear and without bitterness.

I think the fact that you have kept your family together is a sign of real strength. When you have to deal with an OW face to face - it adds another layer of conflict - raw hurt and humiliation on all levels.

Life is full of trials big and small and with each the potential for victory...even the crushing pangs of loss and regret at the rash disposal of a dear well loved piece of upholstry...can be overcome. You are a beacon of hope.

The dog is chewing on my feet, biting and pulling off my socks as I write this. We have a big play session every night and I believe he is telling me that it is time to play...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I took the afternoon off to take Mom - Christmas shopping. After much perusing, we finally slumped into leather couches to eat pecan icecreams and debate what we had forgotten.

Shopping with my mother is always an interesting experience. I bought her a new ensemble for christmas dinner -very rich looking red chinese patchwork top and black pants. She is getting smaller by the minute it seems - a very frail looking lady with great hair.

I took a cab back to work - and ended up with a cab driver I always dread getting. He studies witchcraft. On his dash there is a book entitled - Practical Witchcraft. It always makes me want to giggle. What exactly does that mean; spells for vacuming, doing dishes and motor mechanics. Is there impractical witchcraft? I never ask.

His conversation is always 'out there'. I say very little, nod and leave a huge tip. I am a non-believer but prudent nontheless - no hexes for me thank you.

Very snowy and windy here... miserable walking weather... although the dog loves it. He proudly leans his whole body into the snowy winds - tail ramrod straight - face fur flying in all directions. He looks back at me as if to say and you wanted to stay inside....

Hey Guys,

Made the trip in one piece and am now sick from eating too much. The six hours drive turned into eight but it was still enjoyable. We stopped at a huge widlife area and did some duck watching. What a surprise huh? Hope everyone had a nice turkey day!

See you next week.

Journal,

In a way Mr. Midnight is an excellent name for my husband. I shouldn't really call him my husband anymore.

A husband you can call when you have had a car crash just because it is a harrowing experience without stopping and thinking - no I can't call him - he might be lying in bed with her.

A husband you can throw your arms around when you have had a parent die - and sob into their chest because you really need too. Not merely pat each other on the back awkwardly - hoping you won't smell her perfume.

I find I am angry lately. I shouldn't be... the person doing all these things I find offensive is really someone I have never met before - a complete stranger.

I worry if I stay in this horrid situation.. I really will end up hating him. It all comes back down to what my friend said to me this week. "You have no business allowing someone else to poison your good nature."

Hate and anger are very bad for you. The buddists call them afflictive emotions - aptly named - they are an affliction we put on ourselves - that makes only us suffer.

I have to lighten up - laugh at this situation - poke fun at it and most of all move on and let go.

Journal,

I decided to head out for a road trip with a couple of friends, for the weekend. Going somewhere, anywhere always makes me feel better, I have been grumpy the last couple of days and I don't like being that way.

So I have packed my little bag. The doggie is staying with Daddy. He looks glum... he knows all the signs of a trip... particularly when none of his kibble has been put in the bag. What I usually do first to assure him he is going along.

Journal,

Made it home, with my wallet somewhat lighter, but spirits renewed. Funny how the simple action of just driving somewhere else always helps me regain my balance. Two friends and I headed south of the border to do a little christmas shopping and basically kick around.

Came home with new boots and a wonderful book by Matthew Kelly - The Seven Levels of Intimacy -The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved. I started reading it in a Barnes and Noble, sitting by a nice fireplace drinking a Starbucks Grande Mild and could not put it down.

Its main premise so far is that all our relationships should be predicated on helping the other person, friend, husband, wife, daughter, father, son, neighbor, brother, sister alike to be the best person they can be and they in turn should share that goal as a common purpose to help us become the best person we can be.

It relates to old fashion values, patience, kindness, forgiveness, courage, faith, loyalty, generosity and love. Developing your emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical well being in a constant journey of balanced improvement.

Simple but very compelling common sense. He touches on interdependence - our illusion of independence - and generally offers a quite intriguing discourse.

I know how my father, mother, brother, friends (face to face and online), co-workers and various pets have taught me marvelous lessons. I have spent some time trying to think of how I helped my husband become a better person and vice versus.

I think maybe we lost sight of what the purpose of our marriage was. I thought love, companionship, homelife, family summed it up but it doesn't. Does it? If you are not growing then the reverse is true...

Although I found the breakdown of our marriage incredibly painful. There is a lot to be learned from it. I think I will try alittle every day to see it from outside my own perspective .. from his ... from her's.. heck even from the dog's viewpoint.

One of the values of intimacy in a relationship is that it keeps you honest...There is someone who says wait a minute that's not right.. it happened this way. I'd love to hear my husband's "Wait a minute. ..

Hey Paradise,

I have been worried about you all weekend. You sounded really discouraged and down and I did not have the time or computer to write to you. I hope you really are better after your expedition. What is it about shopping that soothes a womans soul? Is it some sort or ritual bonding that goes on while looking for the right pair of shoes of the perfect blouse? What is it, because we men have no comprehension of this phenomenon. An overwraught and distressed woman goes into a department store and emerges a dynamo full of life and enthusiasm. Men can do do this but it usually involves at least one or more scantily clad women and some alcohol.

I stayed in a motel in Oregon this weekend because my parents stayed with my brother his family. I used the time to finish Dr. Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs". I really did learn from this book about how I contributed to my own problems. I did not spend enough time or energy in conversation with my EX. I know I took our married life for granted way too much. I placed way too much faith in our years together and did not simply sit and talk to her near enough. At the same time I realized how much she had withdrawn from spending any recreational time with me. There may be more merit in what she has said about drifting apart than I want to admit. It does not mean that her A was the way to handle it, it just means I can see how we got to the point it could happen. I had a great holiday and I was dreading it. Maybe I am finally getting a handle on myself and can go forward instead of dwelling on the past and what is gone.

From listening to you last week I wonder if it's time for you to really cut off all communication with Mr. Midnight and the OW. Finish the business ties and distance yourself from them as I have and let time sort things out between you. I know I have done nothing but feel better and think clearer since my last communication with the EX. I know you still have deep and lasting feelings for Midnight and why not guard and protect what's left of them by not letting either of them lessen these feelings any more.


Have a wonderful week and I will be waiting to hear what your thoughts are on getting into a serious plan B with Mr. Midnight.

Eibrab,

I am glad I did not know what your your other name first. I had already formed a visual image of you before this revelation and it does not fit a "Barbie" mold in any way. I had pictured you more like Angelica Houston's character in "Lonsome Dove". Frontier horsewoman, ladylike but tough enough to make it in a "mans world". I still think of you this way when I read your posts. No hint of the doll character in there anywhere.

I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving with your family and said something special to make the day a memorable one for all. You have much to be thankful for. Your H is a good man and he is lucky to have you. I thought of my EX during our prayers at dinner that night and for the first time since D-Day I prayed for her to have some peace in her new life. I have been hoping the opposite for eight months and I think I have finally seen the light. Continually hoping the worst for her and the OM has been dragging me down, not her or him. I can only control myself and my thoughts, so why not direct them and myself at more positive and productive things. Makes me feel less than inteligent to think it has taken me over eight months to get here, but I know I finally have made it. If I were one of your horses and it took this long to get me trained and ridable I would have been to the rendering plant I bet. I would have ended up in paradise's dog's kibbles and bits.

Talk to you soon!

My goodness, I'll second that!

Hey Guys,

I have a question for you gals. I told you about my daughter wanting to support her mother more and how she felt she needed to start socializing with her Mom and the OM to do this. Now after I told her how I felt about it she seems to have backed away from me lately. I simply told her I felt she could support her Mom all she wanted because she earned this. I did go on to ask her though how the OM has earned any of her support. Did I go too far here? Would this push my daughter away? It may just be me and my insecurities but I know it feels different with my daughter now and she seems to find reasons not to see me now.

How would you guys handle this? My daughter is very bright(CIS degree) and very independent. No one would ever say that she conforms to anyone's picture of how she should act or what she should do. She has always been very close to her mother and this has really been hard on her emotionally. Should I just let her do whatever she feels is right for her? I know it was selfish of me to ask her since D-Day not to ever be around the OM, but it sure felt good when she was doing it. Do you think she is staying away from me because she is going out with her mother and OM to basketball games and dinners and is afraid I will find out?

Just one more thing to worry about post divorce huh! This is what makes all the effort and emotional pain of plan A and Plan B worthwhile IMHO. You don't have to deal with all of the other stuff that comes hand in hand with the divorce papers.

Hi Everyone,

Someone sent me this today in an email and I thought it was worth sharing...

Charles Schultz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.


Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.

Cheers,

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

Sorry, I know how hard it is to accept that the OM has any place in your wife's life much less your daughter's life. However as hard as that may be to accept you have to at least not discourage it.

Whatever is going on between your wife and you should not negatively affect the relationship either of you has with your children. I believe you should be encouraging your daughter's love for her Mom, it is important to both of them for their long term happiness - if that entails her socializing with the OM - that is just a detail. Would you seriously want your daughter's relationship with her Mom undermined - out of disregard for the OM. No Way!

That doesn't mean you have socialize with him. Personally, I would ask to be kept out of the loop about any details on these outings but would definitely encourage both kids to stay in touch with and be supportive of their Mom too.

My life is less complicated. However, I do tell the Dog that his Daddy still loves him.

I'm glad you had a great week end. It sounds like you had fun! Happy to hear it! You were right my little session with my OW got me down last week. Alittle road trip, out to a friend's for dinner tonight and with some perspective I don't know what I was so upset about.

I think your Plan B suggestion quite wise. I just can't be around him, lisen to him talk and watch how he behaves - without losing heartfelt regard and respect. That is a shameful waste of good emotions that took many years to build up.

Cheers,

PB