Dukhunter and Mrs S.

My name ? lol. I can dream to be voluptuous and doll-like, can't I? The "Lonesome Dove" reference made me stand a bit straighter and proud. How nice of you to think of me in that way. My life requires me to be a bit on the tough side, but gloves still allow me visit the neatest of Vietamese gentleman who will decorate my nails with fun things that my daughter and her friends always admire. Paradise, Holiday and Mrs S. might find the humor in allowing this man to monthly take my hand and tell me how beautiful and lovely I am and how any man whould be lucky to have me... All of this as he proceeds to call his boyfriend before he tells his next "nail lady-in-waiting" the exact same romantic lines.. *grin*..

It's worth twenty dollars to me for the moments of grandeur, until I go home and have to throw a bale of hay.


Blessings,

Eibrab

Dukhunter,

I must thank you for your kind words in referring to my H as a "good man". I must tell you that I almost never hear those words in reference to him. I think he truly is. He hasn't always been, and my mind wanders to the points where he was his worst, but reality brings me back and God is working.

I fear so much that he is judged by this latest ordeal which brought me to all of you here and that possibly no one on the outside can see the positive changes that have been brought about. I worry that the company he kept with an OW who has caused so much commotion and heartbreak in my and my children's world will forever be used in his valuation to those on the outside. I suppose that is not my cross to bear, is it ?

And, I also suppose that I am where God feels I should be and the feelings, doubts or insecurities, that I continually keep to myself are the works of the evil side of things. Do you find me silly to feel that those feelings may be the truth and I am the one in denial?

On your question, dear Dukhunter... may I offer all honesty and realism here ?

I read your post last night and really gave it some thought. However, my first and initial reaction seems to be the strongest for me. The OM and your Ex are a new "aspect" in your daughter's life. Newness holds fascination. I do not doubt that it is a huge focal point of the OM and your EX to keep your daughter fasincated with them and therefore ease the feeling that they have in anyway done any wrong. If they continue to have the "blessings" and interest of the children affected by this, then they can lessen their own feelings of guilt.

Please don't look to yourself or your daughter to blame. She's simply accepting attention that is "new". Of course, she and her mother are close... but here is a new element added. I would think it will lessen with time.

I think that your daughter being able to see you moving on at this point, even if that is truly not in your heart right now, would be a big factor in her not fearing to be around you. Not that fear is the correct word.. but if Mom and the OM are seemingly "happy" and you are dwelling, she'd be wise to seek out the positive and retain the feeling of "fun". Make sense?

I am a child of divorce. I could relate so much to your daughter here, but the one thing that stands clear is that at the times when my father tried the hardest, I reacted the least.

I would hope that you can remain calm and go about your duties as the good father that you are and your daughter will remember the dignity that you found yourself with in handling what her mother did.

I pray for you, Dukhunter, just as I do for everyone here. I know what it is to feel lonely, even when you are surrounded. I know what it is to feel like your children are your world and they are "your's"... Not something needed to be shared by the man who has brought you so much pain. In one HUGE lack of judgement in my whole ordeal, my H took my young children out shopping and to the movies with the OW. All of this, as this woman's own handicapped child was hospitalized and her H was at home with the other child. While this may be less of a time frame than what you are facing in the OP spending time with your children, I can assure you.. that even young children have minds of their own and they will be able to filter through the good and the bad, if you done your job as a parent well..

And I believe you have. :-)

God Bless you. Be strong and allow the time needed for all parties to find their place. We never know.. the place each holds now, may not be the place they hold in a month or even a year from now.

Now, tell me again how lucky my h is ? *grin*

Eibrab

Paradise,

Well everything with my daughter is getting really heated up despite my best efforts to diffuse it. Now Ex has asked her to come to the house and get the Christmas stuff. This put DD further out on the edge with her emotions. She was edgy before and now she is upset and touchy about everything. I called my BIL and had him come get the stuff and take it to his sister. It's just stuff in my opinion and nothing to cause stress or discord over. EX got almost all of it. All I kept are a few of the ornaments the kids made me when they were in grade school and sent all the rest.

Why would Ex keep putting her children in the middle of all of this? She knows how much it hurts them to be put in this position. Still so self involved and wrapped up in OM to care? I just don't get it. Then I get upset and the kids see it and they feel worse. I have to learn to drop the racquet and not return her shots as she sends them out.

I do believe you are to the point you need to get really removed from Mr. Midnight. You sound like you are back to where you were before the confrontation with OW. This is only going to get better and better with NC. I also believe leaving the business stuff fully in his hands will be an eye opener for him. You provide a stable and reliable support system for him in that regard and he will face an additional challenge in life of finding and training someone to fill that roll in the business. Reality will set in for him here in a big way.

Distance for me has allowed some clarity in my thinking to slowly emerge. I see more of how I contributed to our problems and I see how much she had removed herself from our marriage. When you have built up this image of your life together over so many years you don't look at the small issues that start to add up and create bigger ones. Denial becomes a habit and a protective screen you never look behind. An A destroys this screen and makes you look at all of this stuff you either didn't want to see or chose to ignore. It's not an easy thing to think back on and accept in yourself and in a truely good R both parties would be openly discussing these things and actively working on them. In my case we chose to ignore them and never talk about them and it has caused all of this pain and grief now.

What really bothers me most now is how easy it seems for her to turn her back on our life together and move directly into one with the OM. Never once has she given any signal or sign that she was willing to work on getting back together. She stayed with me and kept her A a secret for eight months. She was still providing active and I thought mutually satisfying SF. And even after D-Day she did not want a divorce. But after all of the Plan A stuff I did and now Plan B she continues to make these decisions that send me notice she is done with me. I know I could not have had the fortitude to walk away from what our marriage was without giving it at least a chance to work again.

Paradise,

I LOVED the email you shared. Thank you.. how very true. I am fortunate enough to so some traveling and judge horseshows. There is always a small child needing reassurance. I try to seek them out, and have at many times had some of those same children seek me out years later and thank me for the kind words or encouragement. It takes so little for us to make a difference in other's lives. Thank you for reminding me. I never want to forget how much I might mean to other's. Even a stranger. I told my daughter once, that one of my favorite things was to smile at strangers. It makes me happier.

She thought I lost my mind. I'm trying to raise kind children.. the oldest one, at 13, is a challenge. The younger one will relocate caterpillars to a safer place in a rainstrom if he thought he could make a difference.

I, too, was worried for you after the run-in with the OW. May I share, that I find myself in almost a complete "breakdown" of sorts, when I even see the woman who holds that place in my life simply driving down the same road as I ? I affects me for days, and I hate it. It takes away from ME.

It's hard. I know at this point, we are different. You are being strong and venturing out to a huge world available to you, but rest assured, it still bothers me to the point of being obsessive.

It's not fair that our worlds have been tormented by the selfishness of others.

I hope you know that we are here for you..and that your grace is an inspiration to me.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Dukhunter,

If you all can bear one more thought from me... your rendering plant reference gave me a much needed laugh.

Maybe I am more patient with the people in my life than I am with the horses. But.. I can use whips, chains, spurs and other unmentionables and still be loved by the horses. Unconditionally by most.. Others take a bit more scratching behind the ears.

Sometimes if we even look at the people in our lives funny..we have to scratch them for longer than what seems worthwhile.. LOL

Blessings,

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me about my daughter. Yes it just irks me to know he will have any form of impact on her life, good or bad. Selfish on my part and she can see this too. I've never been the perfect father, never tried to be perfect. I just do what I feel is right and set an example of how to live and deal with other people for my kids to follow. I know now that keeping the kids away from him was a tool I was using to put a wedge between the EX and the OM. I can't do that anymore. It puts them in the middle again and it's me doing it.

Yes I feel your H is a good man. He has seen what has gone on and made a decision based on what he thinks, not on what others will think or say. He saw you and what you were doing and telling him and realized his life was with you not the illusion the OW had created. My EX won't admit this yet and does not want to hear it any more either. She has put the blinders on regarding our marriage and the past we shared and refuses to look back. I have lost a lot of respect for her in this and that is not something you can regain quickly. Your husband found this for himself and admitted his mistake and is doing everything he can to make things right again. As I told my EX at one point before the D, it is going to take a lot of courage from both of us to make things work again. Your H is showing his courage. My Ex is still running away from hers. Sometimes I wish I could use your whips, chains and spurs to change that in her but, I know in people you can't control their actions as you can with a domesticated animal. People are not that smart sometimes.

I have been e-mailing with my daughter all day and I think we have come to an understanding about what I can ask of her and what is out of my hands. She has flat out told me she is an adult and can see who she chooses. In no way am I going to influence her on this and I can respect her for this. She is perfectly capable of seeing for herself what is right and wrong and I have to accept that. She is wiser than me about all of this. She is also fed up with all of the posturing between the EX and I and just wants to be left alone. I can't blame her , I feel the same most days.

As for the feelings of doubt and insecurities haul them out for H to see and hear. I just finished the MB book "His Needs, Her Needs" and it talks about open and honest communication. It also talks about conversation. Something I let slide in my M and look what happened to me. Sit down with your H in an open and honest conversation about these fears and doubts and I'll bet he responds better than you could ever imagine. I know I would have listened if the EX had brought these kinds of issues to the table instead of keeping them to herself. As a man I think I am pretty typical, if nothing is being said I'm assuming all is good and well. Now I know better and I will never allow myself the luxury of assuming these things again. So get out the whip and chains if necessary and talk to the man!

P.S. Save the spurs for recreational uses only, and I don't mean just with the horses either!

Hi Dukhuntr,

It must be really tough to have to deal with that added level of complication children bring to these situations. I believe you love your daughter very much and that you still love your wife very much. The easy conclusion would be that you would want both of them to be happy. If this is right, you will try your best day to day to eliminate discord within the family.

The problem with intensely painful situations is that they put you in a loop. Your thoughts just circle around and around because it fills you up with such aflictive emotions; anger, hurt, pain, jealousy, disbelief, remorse, bewilderment. It is just so easy to go around and around... It leads nowhere....

I think you answered your own question ... I agree drop the racquet...ignore all shots ...focus on your end game which is to help the ones you love be happy. If you do that - in the end it will make you happy too.

Cheers,

PB

Hi Eibrab,

I like to smile at strangers too. Particularly, ones who look like they are struggling. I try to mentally send them encouragement. I have no way of knowing if any of those positive vibes register but I think it is good practice.

I think the differences we see in others versus ourselves are largely illusion. For in all ways but the most randomly superficial, we are the same. Once you really get that, it makes it so much harder to be ungenerous, judgemental and unkind. As you so astutely pointed out... everyone needs their ears scratched.

You are right, I was thrown off kilter by how strongly I reacted to the OW last week. I just didn't expect that after four months, she would still be able to make me cry at the drop of a hat.

I almost find her betrayal harder to understand. My husband is a middle age man, who has never been with anyone but me. I can see that after 25 years - you just might get curious. I think as men get older, lovely young women start to look straight through them. They become invisible. For an older man, it must be such a charge to have one find him desirable.

Whereas she was my friend. We saw each other every day for six years or so...talked...laughed...I often cooked for her. I looked forward to spending time with her. If she had fallen in love with him slowly - sort of unawares. I would have had an easier time with it. But to know she tried to seduce him from the get go... just made me ill. I wish Mr. Midnight had not shared that information with me. I felt so much more violated.

Nonetheless, I don't believe that one spell of bad behaviour defines you. Mr. Midnight and the OW are far more than their actions indicate. To keep my balance I try to remember that. When we are angry at people we see them very narrowly... we look at their bad behavior only and skip .. the remarkable bits.

I hope people do come to recognize that your husband changed for the better - learned from his errors. Magically the best part of your story is I think that he will truly come to love and appreciate you as you deserve.

What a lovely thought to go to sleep on...

Cheers,

PB

Paradise,

You can definitely tell how my mind has been working, can't you? Round and round with no end in sight. It's the part of me that just refuses to give up that fuels this. Being the obsessive compulsive accountant that I am, lends itself to this type of thinking. I have been trying to bust out of this cycle and just about the time I think I am there something comes up and the wheels start spinning in my head again.

It's these times when I like to come online and talk to you and Holiday and Eibrab. You all seem to be able to clarify my thoughts and just reading your posts slows the wheels enough to calm me down. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate all of your insights and suggestions. Everyone's been caring, considerate and straight-forward when needed.

I took the kids to dinner last night and we had a good talk and all is as well as can be. The kids are my life now and I do have to clean up my act for them as well as myself. Helping them be happy is a wonderful way to express how to run my life for now. They can't be really happy watching me be a mess. I didn't start out very well last night, I had one or two too many drinks and they were worried about me getting home. That has got to stop! DD actually called to check on me later in the evening. She was laughing when she did it so I don't think she was that worried but it still said something to me to watch myself better.

As for making EX happy I am going to continue my version of Plan B as strictly as possible. This in itself is a contribution to her happiness. No one to remind her of her A and the fallout from it anymore. She keeps to her protective friends and her co-workers that have to deal with her. Her life now revolves almost exclusively around the workplace and the OM that works there too. If she stays in that small world she feels safe and protected against any form of judgement from anyone else. This has got to be eating her up inside. She used to be an outgoing and active person. Now she is holed up and guarded at all times. Not the life she envisioned for herself I'm sure. I'm not even sure how I could make her life happy if I wanted to. She doesn't know either. Said so in the birthday e-mail I got with the rationalization for the A.

Well I hope you are doing better yourself! How about a long journal entry on your shopping excursion and the way in which it rejuvinated you so well.

Dukhuntr,

From what I am told, getting over something like this takes at least a couple of years. So we are both still in the early stages.

I wholeheartedly agree with doing a Plan B. But I do think there are appropriate things you can do that would make your wife happy, namely:

1) encourage the kids to spend time with her, love her and be supportive of her. That is different than being supportive of her choices. From the sounds of it she was a good Mom - face it - they still need her;

2) let go of any ill will you hold towards her or the OM. This is a tall order isn't it. But we both know that it only hurts you really;

3) focus on getting on with your life. I don't think if she cares for you that she will want you unhappy either. I do believe given the tenure of your marriage together. She has to still care for you in some part of her heart. Look for positive growth oriented stuff to do - that captivates you. That can distract, intrigue, spark your curiosity - leave you interested and feeling better. The world is a wonderful place when you really look at it. Or look at ways to train how you think...

For example, I am really sick of thinking of both Mr. Midnight and the OW. If they come to mind, I look at my watch and give myself 15 minutes to dwell on it. Then as a penance I make myself go do something I am not terribly fond of. At home that may mean scrubbing the toilet, at work it could mean any number of drudge items. So far this strategy has been working well.

Chin up... it has to get better... Ultimately, I think these kinds of challenges if handled right pose the opportunity for us to become better at any number of things. My toilet bowl cleaning capability is already on the rise!

Paradise

Paradise,

I have told the kids from the very beginning to support their mother and I always make sure they are spending time with her. As for ill will I have let that go in her regard, the OM is stil on my Sh** list and will be for a long time. He is much the same as your OW in that he was a friend and continued the friendship thru the eight months their A was still a sceret. Let me buy him dinners and drinks when we went out as a group during the A and everything. A scumbag will always be a scumbag.

The fact that the EX fell for his advances is mindboggling for sure. All he said to her was he had feelings for her. Does not speak well for her or for our marriage. I keep hoping the 15yr age difference will catch up to them but that may be a fantasy on my part. It is truely hard to quit caring for someone you have spent your entire adult life with. I can still remember her having to buy the champagne on our honeymoon because I did not turn 21 until four months later. She had just turned 21 herself. The waiter who carded me will never forget either. His tip went from substantial to miniscule in a hurry. Funny how your mind thinks back on stuff like this isn't it.

As for doing other things I have been very active as you know and it helps but at the end of the day you still have to go home and face the reality of it being just you and the dog. Not that the dog is all bad, she is just not much on the conversation side, and her breath leaves much to be desired. My IC made a similar suggestion for getting out of the dwelling. He said to think of it as handing the OM a 20 dollar bill every time I did it. That works pretty good too.

I know I should feel free to look for someone else to spend time with but I know the baggage I am packing is still a pretty heavy load and it shows. I am still in love with her and it frustrates the heck out of me that that feeling just does not want to go away. So instead, I have relagated myself to single life and the hope that someday a miracle will happen and someone, EX or otherwise, will come to me and open the door to the happiness that is to come for me. Hopefully the door will open soon I am growing tired of looking at the closed door.

Dukhuntr,

Maybe the answer is to accept that the present is hard but look to a brighter future! They say time heals - it just can't do it overnight!

I am enjoying myself tonight. Diana Krall's new Christmas cd is on the stereo. I am wrapping gifts for my brother and his family. I have no eggnog - but coffee is doing the trick for now.

I may even bake tonight. I like Christmas. I will clean, decorate, bake and do all the things I normally do. I spent part of the afternoon - organizing christmas dinner and my entertaining for January. I am really looking forward to being away over the holidays.

I agree embarking on a relationship before you are ready - spells trouble. Somehow, I can't believe that at some point your wife won't be gobsmacked by all the accumulated intimacy she is missing.

Eventually, I believe the OP is at a disadvantage. Affairs start off pretty hot I suspect. They are wrong. It is exciting. But when the two of them are dealing with just life... it has got to be a bit of a let down. Maybe you are right on course. Staying positive with the kids and keeping busy - while keeping faith - that in all those years together there will be memories that will bring her home...

Cheers

PB

Hi All!
Have missed you.
Been very busy with the holiday past. My sister and her family came to stay 5 days with us. Just getting my house back to normal, oh yes, and now going to tile the kitchen (well maybe).



DH, about your daughter. She loves you very much. She loves her Mother very much. I think she is just torn about the sitch. And each time she is with her Mom and the OM, I am sure the guilt is unbearable.

My nieces went through the same sitch with each of my SIL's new husbands. They had Dad's and birth Dad and Mom's significant others. Very confusing. I think her pulling back is probably her way of not giving you any painful details (which you should and probably don't anyway, ask for).

It will all work out.

As for PB...paradise, I agree with DH. It might be time to really sever the ties of your marriage. When you write about Mr M...I picture a man happily skipping from one household to the next whenever he needs anything to perk himself up. He comes for furniture, the dog, decorating ideas etc. But never anything concrete, allowing him to keep you in his "dream" process without any consequences. Just a thought.

As for my H and I we are well. Today is D DAY. I almost forgot the date. Last night I just wasn't feeling emotionally right. I told my H that living here after moving from the most beautiful little place in my life makes me still so sad. I was very content living with my beautiful 100 year old ponderosa pines. They would sway only at the top and while relaxing in our spa late at night on cold winter nights, the moon would peak though their branches. Just thinking about them can make me cry.

But, then I told him, where ever we were so long as I was with him I would be alright. Paradise its so true about what you are reading in your book. I was just thinking to myself that that is how I always felt I should live my life. I also feel that if reincarnation were true (a possibility), that I must have been awful in my previous life for me to try so hard to do well by others in this life.

Peace,
holiday

Hello Holiday,

I knew you would appear again after recovering from Thanksgiving. Yes it is a challenge to change the dynamics of family after a D. Everything and everyone has a different view of their life now and finding that balance takes time and patience. In my case having the change thrust upon me and not liking it makes it harder for me to see the bigger picture with the kids. Still thinking too much about what happened to me and not enough about them.

I had what I thought was the perfect family and perfect life going before all of this. I had just been recruited to a new job that was my "dream job". I was putting money away for the first time in our 24yr marriage, DD had just graduated from UNR, DS had a good job and was happy, and everything was just rosy in my life of denial. I should have seen the signs and chose not to or was so self absorbed in my little fantasy I missed them completely. Shows what men are capable of rationalizing to themselves!

I hope the tile work goes well and you are ready for Christmas with your crafts. I'm gald to hear your family came together. I spent the holiday with my family too. I dreaded it and it turned out to be a great time. Family is a wonderful thing to fall back on and they will always be there for you. I wish my kids could have been there but hey had a good time too so I guess it worked out for everybody. DD went to New York City and DC with her SO and my son stayed home to be with his GF and his mother. Missed them but it turned out good.

Have a great week!

Paradise,

I am starting to have my doubts about EX and if it would be good for either of us for her to come back. May be just my insecurities talking but I am having serious doubts pop up in my mind about it ever working again.

First and foremost is I have never been able to tell if she was upset or being less than truthful with me. Even after 28yrs together I could never tell if she was upset about something or hiding something or lying ever. The credit cards she used to build up and hide are a perfect example. Three seperate times in our marriage she built up huge balances, overlimits and non-payment issues all in her name only and each time I found out it was the same. Huge fights followed by a plan for recovery and a big make up. The third discovery is after D-Day when she was intercepting the mail so I would not find the new batch of cards.

The A and her deceptions and lies to keep it a secret are a different issue and one that I think I could overcome in time. I'm not going to say it would be easy for me given the way I found them but I really believe this is just a symptom of problems between us as spouses. These I believe I could overcome given a willing spouse.

Lastly, she has become very judgemental in her own right over the past few years. Good friends that have been there for us for years have become bad people for little to no reason I can see. This took place before the A and I don't think it had anything to do with the A. She has always said I was the judgemental one but I have always given people the benefit of doubt and never labled them as bad for minor difficulties. I can count on one hand the people in my life I avoid at all costs as bad people. She has dozens now and building. Now it seems that once someone has crossed her in any way they are bad people. This includes people I respect and admire in my life.

All of this is what has started to creep into my thoughts lately and makes me spin those wheels even harder. Maybe this is how you start to lose the love that once existed for another person. Maybe it's just me seeing the stuff I have been in denial about for a long time. Being alone allows for a lot of reflection and doubt to appear when you need it the least.

Journal,

Just back from a long walk with the dog, we were out a couple of hours, walking in heavy snow. We went down to a nearby yacht basin and back, I was hoping to see Christmas lights. Every year, many of the boat owners who live on their boats, put up wonderful displays of Christmas lights. It is one of my favourite winter scenes. It must be still early, only one boat was decked out in brightly coloured lights. I was lisening to Santana - hot music - cold wet winter weather.

Life with the dog - is filled with important little rituals. He just had a shower. He walks ever so slowly into the shower stall, head down, profound reluctance in every step. Throughout the judicious sudsing with tea tree liquid soap of specific problem areas - paws and privates - there is constant complaining - a sort of deep in the back of the throat mumbling. "You really should not be doing this. I am going to call the SPCA on you. Hey Don't be touching me there! Really Mom!."

Once I finally turn off the tap. Things improve immensely. Getting towelled down is apparently alot of fun. He runs into the living room - blind under an enormous bath towel bumping into the same pieces of furniture he always does.

Then it is off like a shot to go dig in the bed and in the process get the sheets really wet. I give the same yell I do every time - Get out of the bed Blue!

Now we are settled down with a cup of tea and peanut butter toast. He has his on the side - just a spoon full - which he takes forever to slowly lick off - enjoying it with the air of connoisseur. Before bed, he will get his teeth brushed, alittle emu oil on his paws to keep them from cracking and it will be the end of another pretty good dog day!

I am sitting at my desk with only a lamp on - the room is fairly dark. Light splashes over a pile of fabric swatches. I had dinner this week with a girlfriend and her husband - who design - we picked out fabric and wall colours for my bedrooom. Basically cream, chocolate and a sort shiny pewter, I like it... traditional but classy. It means I have to lug back the linen I bought earlier to the store but everyone changes their mind sometimes.

Beside the fabric is the book, I have been reading "The Seven Levels of Intimacy" by Matthew Kelly. There are wonderful sentences in it. The one that has been running through my mind all day is

"At the root of every solution to every human problem is a virtue."

It is so true isn't it. Virtues almost seem out date, quaint, old fashioned, redundant these days - when in fact they are our most powerful problem solving tools. Patience to allow others the time they need for whatever. Humility to be able to admit your errors and learn from them. Generousity to recognize that by giving to others you really give to yourself.. Forgiveness to recognize that we all make mistakes. The list goes on...

Life is about becoming the best person you can be - developing both your abilities and virtues. It is more than just a series of moments - cause and effect reactions - a wet dog digs in your sheets - you get pawed up rumpled wet sheets! It is a journey into self and worldly awareness.

Paradise,

That journal entry may be your best ever and the most insightful too. Remembering these virtues and applying them every day will lead us to a happier and more fulfilling life no mattter the circumstance in our lives. The fortitude to appy them consistently is our challenge. Some days it's easier than others but if you can remain consistent life will become a lot more even keeled and satisfying. I loved this post!

Journal,

I have been dreaming of Holiday's ponderosa pines and spa all day long. It is freezing up here. Longing for places is a bit like longing for people isn't. They have left your life...you are just left with the memories and in my case a whole pile of stuff.

Mr. Midninght hasn't actually taken his things. Only a few clothes ... he is buying everything new. However, I still have to deal with all the left over baggage. I have been packing it up. I don't want to throw things out without him looking at them. So instead, I am just folding clothes into boxes. I had to laugh when I tackled the bookcases. He does not have any books - just car magazines - every one published on the planet I think!

I think it is hard separating... but I honestly think it is harder staying together. I don't envy having to look at the calendar with dread and think "oh this is the day last year I found out".... that has got to be hard..

I couldn't sleep last night. The bed seemed as large as a foot ball field. We have a king size bed. The dog and I still sleep on my side. Mr. Midnight's side stays unwrinkled. Last night I could not get comfortable.

I have the TV on tonight. It feels lonely on Friday nights somehow. I had a couple of invitations but with no sleep -decided to pass. A program called Ballroom Boot Camp is on. Participants have 5 weeks to learn to dance and compete! No one is very good starting out...

I have been trying to focus on going forward. I believe human thought is creative. If you think it. It is the first step to making it happen. Everything starts with a thought. That is why keeping your thoughts positive is so important.

I am trying to imagine a new life. Whenever, I think of a new life I think of windows. I have changed jobs every five years religiously throughout my career. I would tell Mr. Midnight, I just can't look out that window anymore. I need a new window. Standing on the street this week in a slightly different part of town. I think I may have found a window. A large beautiful window..looking in on a new place to live....

Journal,

I spent the morning on the phone and the afternoon at the beach. Clad in fleece lined jeans, thermal underwear, fleece turtleneck and many layers, the dog and I walked our normal route at a relaxed pace. Large white swans were asleep in the waves, looking like chunks of snow bobbing gently along.

I like looking at tracks. Today there were duck tracks, many duck tracks. They look like two triangles laid side by side at the bases. I like ducks. Mr. Midnight and I watched a family of ducks grow up over a summer once. When they are young they play duckie games. Hide and seek with Mommy, hopping games on steps.. they are full of fun and mischief. I stopped eating duck that summer - couldn't swallow something with a sense of humor.

I really like beef. I have firmly avoided getting to know any cows.

There aren't very many people at the beach these days. The trees are bare and it is a windswept grey and brown hued landscape. Everyone has pink cheeks from the cold and wind. The dogs are as frisky as ever.

I took a great picture today of a friend's hound who climbs. He was 15 feet in the air -up a horizontal tree trunk -looking down at me, head cocked to one side, as though to say " My you look small from up here".

Before I left for the beach, I had a long talk with my MIL. It is hard. They want me to come to parties, dinners, etc and I really can't. She is worried. I am not sure there really is anything to worry about.

In a way this is an opportunity for Mr. Midnight to grow. I know now, I made his life too easy. I catered to his needs, financially supported him throughout the marriage to a ridulous degree, and accommodated his every whim. I thought I was creating a happy life together. I think instead I created a very spoiled 53 year old man.

My MIL is well aware of his weaknesses that is why she is so worried. She is afraid he won't do well without me. I think she underestimates him. He never exerted himself because he didn't have to. I think he is quite capable in his own right should he choose to be.

I am getting ready to go out with a friend to see Pride and Prejudice. I am looking forward to it. I dress with care and get "made up" for outings with friends these days. They take it as a good sign and they worry about me less.

Stops me in my tracks sometimes at just how lucky I am to have friends who worry about me....

Paradise,

You're killing me here! Not eat duck? Blasphemy! Outrage!
Your missing the boat here, ducks are tasty little critters. Even as a consumate duck connessiour(sic)I see your point on little ducks. As sportsmen we do more for the little ducks than any other entity in existence. Ducks Unlimited is dedicated to making sure they are around for each new generation to enjoy. This group is made up of almost entirely hunters that want to see the resource flouruish and grow. Besides you probably never got to eat wild duck, or did you? Farm raised duck is no different than chicken is it? Besides, remember Ted Nugents most famous quote,"You cant grill it till you kill it". A motto to live by in my book.

All of this is said after just finishing cleaning this weeks batch of birds. I had a nice weekend with my Dad and the dogs. He has an 18mo. old lab and we are training her to hunt with my dog helping out. Watching these dogs do what comes naturally to them is almost as fun now as shooting the birds. I know my Dad enjoys watching his dog more than the shooting! I don't think he would hunt anymore if it weren't for the pup. She made a really long retrieve on Saturday with a little help from me and I thought my Dad was going to burst in pride when his dog came up with that bird. My dog had no clue on this one and the pup sniffed it out like a champ.

I'm glad your friends have come thru for you. I don't want to think where I would be without mine. I see you are keeping busy writing and that is good. The more you post the better you seem to think things thru and get yourself into a better frame of mind. How are you doing these days, really? Everything okay up there in Canuk-land? I will be checking back regularly tonight so if you want to talk , type away.