Hi Dukhuntr,

I am well. Thank you. I was out with at girlfriend to watch the chick flick of all chick flicks tonight. I counted only two men in the audience! There were points in the film where there were very audible group sighs to be heard. Although I still like the Colin Firth version better... more flow to the conversation.

I am glad you had a good week end. Have you ever entered the pup into hunting trials - doggie competition for retrieving? She sounds like she would do well.

Sorry about the duck comments .. although they are all true ... I suspected you would voice some heart felt protests!

You are so right on the friends! Where would we be without them? Not even a thought I would want to contemplate.

Opps The dog is whining for a walk. I hope you enjoy your night or what is left of it! I've got to bundle up in many layers so as to brave a very cold wind tonight...

Cheers,

Paradise

Hey Paradise,

Dad entered the pup in a trial already and she took second in her class at a local event. Took a higher toll on Dad than the dog and I don't think he will do it again. He was a nervous wreck. Dog did well but Dad found that it was not for him. You think he would be used to watching sports by now. I played baseball and football for years and did very well and played on several really sucessful teams and so did my brother. Watching his dog perform made him much more nervous and antsy than watching us. Go figure!

I am glad to hear the weather is growing colder up your way. All of those Canadian ducks and geese should be here soon and the really good hunting begins.

I sent the EX a second plan B letter last week with a special emphasis on not using the kids to be the go-between for us. After using my daughter to get her Christmas stuff last week I wanted to make sure she got the point this time. I think it really helped me organize my thoughts and calm me down. I have noticed a big difference in how much I have been thinking about her and OM. A lot less on my high horse and more sympathetic to her side of this mess. Also way more focused on my work which I need to be right now. Our company has over 900 employees right now and I just lost two of my key bookkeepers. One to an audit suggestion to streamline the system and another to major surgery. I get to pick up all of the slack for the next 6 weeks. I will be nose to the grindstone all thru the holidays and I think this will be good for me. Less time to dwell on what will be missing.

I hope you don't dress the dog to go out in the cold. Dogs I think relish the changes if given the opportunity. We hunted out of my boat yesterday and the dog preferred to stand in the chest deep water next to the boat. Even I had to shake my head at that one. I hope your evening is going well and you are content and happy.

Hi Dukhuntr,

I did actually try boots on the dog last year. The cold is really hard on paws. He resolutely refused to have anything to do with them. He is a long haired beaded collie poodle mix - looks like a large fluffy stuffed toy. He is one of the smartest and toughest dogs I have ever had despite his poofy looks.

I am glad your Dad gave his pup a chance to compete. I think working dogs are happier.. just like usually working people are happier.

Not dwelling on the past does make you feel better doesn't it. Letting go is usually the answer. I think with time, long term spouses who divorce can be friends, largely because there is no one else who shares the same terms of reference on so many memories.

Keeping your mind and heart open to her side of things also helps with perspective. It is the starting point. Even though you may have a different future than you envisioned - you always have the same past. It is hard walking away from such a big chunk of your life and having no one to talk to who remembers when. At some point, you two will be sitting and talking about old times. You will have wiped the slate clean with forgiveness and come to understand yourself and her better in the process. What a nice thought!

Sleep well. The dog and I are trundling off to get ready for bed. I think I would be wise to open the bedroom windows. He had turkey soup for dinner...

Cheers,

Paradise

Hello Paradise,

I enjoyed our exchanges last night. I hope the turkey soup didn't ruin your evening with the dog. You just never know what sets them off in that regard. For mine its the store bought chew bones my kids love to give the dog as a special treat. She parades around with these for a couple of hours showing everyone her new present and then devours them in nothing flat. Them we get to deal with the aftermath for the next couple of days.

I had a terrible night after we finished posting. I think I have a flu bug and I have been in bed ever since and still feel really run down and tired. Tis the season I guess. Can't bring myself to eat and ache all over. I think the dog sensed this too. She always sleeps on the floor next to me. Cooler for her and more room to strech out. Last night she she jumped up in the bed and curled up next to me. It was like a giant bed warmer that snores. Thank goodness she doesn't have a bone now or turkey soup.

I wonder where Holiday and Eibrab have been keeping themselves? I miss hearing more from them. I guess everyone is busy these days getting ready for Christmas. I think once I decide to put up what I kept it might take me 15 minutes or so to get ready and put in place. I just don't have the desire to make a big deal out of it this year. It used to be my favorite holiday and now I just can't seem to get into the spirit.

I am going back to bed now and see if I can't shake this stuff off. I can't afford to miss any more work than today.

Talk to you soon.

I'm here, I'm here...
Not much going on this past weekend. Hubby had the sniffles mid week through the weekend.
Your posts are wonderful.
PB, you are moving forward so graciously. DH, get some chicken soup!
I will check on you both later,
holiday

I'm here, too ! Everyday.

I have found more peace reading here than in any other avenue during this whole ordeal of mine. I may not chime in, but the smiles you all bring me are therapy for my soul.

Dukhunter, I wish we were neighbors. I'd bring you soup and let the poor dog out. I hope you feel better.

And Holiday, you are so kind, but I'm not sure "graciously" is a big or impressive enough word for Paradise.

Thank you all for being here. I'm glad I found my "fix".

Blessings,

Eibrab

Hi Holiday,

I hope you are doing well. I know this is an emotional time of year for you... deep hurt can leave you feeling very sensitive to certain triggers. Maybe some personal pampering is in order.

I visited with a friend tonight, drank a rum & coke and helped her make a Christmas present .. a dark blue lampwork necklace for her niece. We were both in low gear - no sparkling conversation to be had... but companionable busy silence can be even better sometimes.

I'm home to clean a bit before bed and organize myself to start baking this week.

I was watching a TV program last week, which interviewed kids who had lost their parents. One lad looked into the camera and said the best advice he was given was " to go on living".

I think he is spot on...and it applies to all life's traumas.

Dukhuntr, I hope you feel better. I think you are wise to play it low key over the holidays this year. Not every Christmas has to be a big deal. It sounds like you need to rest up. Next time you are stuck in bed feeling unwell, take out those Scotland brochures; thinking about going somewhere is a great remedy in itself.

Cheers,

Paradise

Baking....me too.
I make wonderful pizelle (okay, PB that is an italian waffle cookie, with the flavor of anise...black licorice). We have a fire dept shift party with an Italian theme Wed night.

Hubby has been down since he has been unable to work any OT (what we depend on for extra things...like gifts at the holidays) due to being in paramedic school. He gets himself so sick, literally (he likes to pay everything cash and doesn't want to use the old credit cards for the past 10 years...honorable).

Since I don't have a "real" job anymore, I feel I have let him down. He likes that I am home everyday and that I take care of him , our daughter and the house. Ebay only brings in a little.
I have been asked to "day care" a soon to be toddler (she'll be 9 months should I decide to do this) full time for a girl who works at the wonderful quilt shop I frequent.

My home is no longer "child proof", we now have stairs and a pool. I am used to taking off and doing things with hubby when he is off, but while he is in school I wonder if taking this on will help or hurt us.

Well, only a moment break here from sewing. I will look for you later. Sweet dreams...I will pray you get a better night's rest,
holiday

Hey Guys,

Sorry I haven't been keeping up today. Been asleep most of the day and on the couch out of it the rest of the time. I hate being sick to my stomach. Seems to have subsided now and I feel better but still tired. Not even hitting my six team parlay after tonoghts game has lifted me up. Christmas came early though. 50 to one payoffs are good for the soul too. Might even have won the local pub pick six pool too! That will depend on if anyone else hit six and the tie breaker.

Maybe a sign my luck is finally changing! Hope ypou are all well and it's nice to hear from you Holiday and Eibrab! You all sound well and busy and that is good. I'm going back to bed now so I can function somewhat at work tomorrow. Don't believe that a flu shot will prevent the stomach flu! I just had mine a week ago and still got this gunk. I would be at the tavern celebrating if not for this stuff! Even the dog is shying away from me right now. I think the strange and awful noises I have been making have her spooked. I don't blame her I would be spooked too!

Journal,

I went into my storage locker tonight, to find a scarf. Not just any scarf, a very badly knitted striped scarf I made my Dad when I was 8 - my first knitting project. It was made of very cheap polyester yarn, and has been virtually indestructible. He wore it faithfully to the exclusion of all others - for 42 years. Somehow tonight I really needed to find it. To make sure it had not got lost in packing up his things.

I wonder what the sum of a man's life is? What did my Dad leave behind: A great old desk, a 1912 Royale typewriter, chlidishly fashioned neckwear, many pages of wonderful words full of keenly balanced perspective and lively humor; a family he helped create, nutured, protected, and joyfully valued above all else.

I think my Dad's greatest gift was that he could really see things. He always knew what was the right thing to say, to do, to feel, to believe.

He had a relaxed grace. He laid and defused bombs for the entire length of the war - pretty much always at the front and often in advance of any troop movement.

I believe he must have had a truly exceptional autonomic brain. (It is the part of your brain that takes over in life threatening moments. It has a differrent sense of time. When things that are actually moving very fast appear to you in slow motion - your autonomic brain has kicked in.)

His heart beat would slow in emergencies. Some years back, he was driving with my brother and his girlfriend, when she fell asleep at the wheel. They ran off a mountainous road and rolled several hundred feet down a steep incline to land upside down on a very narrow ledge, beyond which there was a two mile drop.

With everyone hanging upside in their seatbelts and the car balanced precariously on its roof, my Dad who was 72 at the time, talked my brother and girlfriend out of shock,and had them get out of the car slowly one at a time. He got out last.

His collarbone was smashed by of all things a first aid kit. My Dad would never allow us to leave heavy objects loose inside a car. At speed they can kill you. It must have been tucked under a seat. I still lock my laptop in the trunk, belt my dog in a harness - out of drilled into me habit. I wonder what would have happened when I was hit by that cabbie, if my dog had not been belted in.

My Dad thought being considerate of others was perhaps the most important rule of living well. He pulled the sheet over his head before he died.

There are times when I miss him so much it is hard to breathe...

He wouldn't approve of me staying up late, typing away in my pjs with a very silly looking scarf wrapped around my neck. He would pat me on the head and say "Go to bed. Everything will be just fine - Sprout!"

Paradise,

I hope you are really taking those last few words you wrote to heart. I know how I would be feeling if I had just lost my father. I think you are on the right track here in envisioning what he would be telling you right now if he were able. Live like he wanted you to live. Independent and self sufficient. I know you know how to do this now you just need the determination to heed the words.

I wish sometimes just to retreat from life and hide from the things that still haunt me from the A. When this happens now, I try to think about all the things I have to look forward to in my life. Grandkids, winning the lottery, meeting someone else that will once again take my breath away when I am with her. I know any or all of these could happen, I just have to be there when they do. You need to think along the same lines when you think of your Dad and Midnight. There are many, many things I am sure you have to look forward to even if they are different from what I see for myself. None of them depends on anyone other than you.

I'm sorry if I sound preachy I just felt you needed a little pep talk after reading your last post. I do know I have a new question for you. I want to know the background on the nickname "sprout". No connection to the Jolly Green Giants little buddy was there? Go do something tonight that lifts your spirits up and gets you going. Maybe it time to torment the dog by dressing him up again, I know that makes you giddy and playful. And by all means if posting to us demented souls brings you down take a break and get away for a while.

Have a wonderful evening!

Hi Holiday,

We could do a cyber cookie swap! I will dig up my favourite holiday cookie recipe (Sorry for the pun) and then I could try my hand at your pizelles. Do you like cranberry?

Next week I am going to an in the flesh cookie swap. You bake 8 doz of your favourite cookie and then take home 8 doz of other people's favourites. Brillant idea. We do it every year. This year I will likely do the three ginger cookie and chocolate orange peel. Yum!

I have a friend who runs a daycare in her home. It works well for her and she has a generous income from it. She is allowed to care for up to 6 kids without a formal permit. The big advantage at tax time is you get to deduct a portion of your household accommodation expenses. It does really tie you down though and it sounds like you would have to do some child proofing, particularly with the pool.

It seems in life when you have time you have no money and when have money you have no time. I grew up on modest means, we still had great Christmases. We made our gifts, always had a good dinner and it was fun just being together.

However, we also did not have a television, so I never knew what I was missing. My father ordered a TV when I was around 7, wasn't impressed with it, sent it back and he never bought another one till many years later.

With all the hype, it makes it harder for parents I would bet. I think being able to spend time at home with your family is more precious than anything the income from an outside job would enable you to buy. Nowadays we seem to trade life for stuff. You spend all your waking hours working for stuff - that you have to keep clean, store, and evenutally throw out. You end up with no life.

Opps my dog is whining at his toy basket (which thank you very much he likes to keep full of stuff - materialistic puppy)... I better go amuse my furry pal!

He is relatively easy to please at Christmas - a plate of turkey and he is happy!

Cheers,

Paradise

Hi Dukhuntr,

Have you recovered from the nasty microbes? Sounds truly awful, all the stress you have been through must have taken its toll on your immune system - lots of sleep, fluids and no worries.

I have been watching movies tonight - great movies. Manna from Heaven, a very corny but funny funny story set in Buffalo and Mondovino an interesting look at the wine business - more than worth renting just for the scenery shots alone.

The dog and I dined on hot dogs. I like mine with saukraut, he perfers his without the bun.

All in all a low ebb day...

Cheers,

Paradise

P.S. I am not sure where Sprout came from. It just always was my nickname.

Not much time today....yes, we can swap cookies recipes anytime!
Hope one day to hand pizelles to you in person.
I will chat with you soon.
I love cranberries!!
holiday
Hi, DH!!

Was that a confirmed Holiday sighting or a figment of my demented mind?

Hi Holiday!

Paradise,

I see that you are still on the same single person diet I am on! I have gained most of the weight I had lost back thanks to fast food and quick meals at home. Well that and I can't seem to get my lazy butt back into the gym. I just don't have the motivation right now to be dedicated like I know I should. It just seems that sitting on the couch or on a bar stool has more appeal right now. Don't know which I prefer more. Duck hunting is the only physical activity I can get excited over.

I am feeling better now just can't seem to sleep well yet. DD had the same stuff and complained to me today of not being able to sleep. Weird flu for sure. Doesn't help on the emotional front to be sick and dwelling this much either. It's been a bad week in that front. Too much thinking and not enought doing. I did get a call from the huntress I told you about a couple of months ago. She is feeling better and wants to get together for dinner and a movie. Normally I would be excited and anxious. Right now I am nervous and unsure if I want to go.

This is someone that if I were to write out a description of the perfect companion for me she would fit the description like a glove. She hunts, fishes, shoots, reloads her own shells, owns her own home and lives alone with her dog and she is as cute as a button to boot. It is almost too perfect if you know what I mean. Ex had none of these interests and I fell for her hard. Since then I have been a firm believer in opposites attracting and that hasn't seemed to work permanently in my case. I'm having a hard time believing my luck could be this good! After our last "date" she told me it felt comfortable and natural to be with me and wanted to do it again and just has not felt well enough to call. She found out she was allergic to some meds she was on. I felt comfortable, relaxed, and had a great time with her, so her offer is very appealing to me. She is just a really nice person and made me feel at home with her after just a few minutes.

I think this is what makes me so nervous. I am torn between wanting to hold out and see what happens between EX and OM and having the opportunity to spend some time with someone I feel so comfortable with who could be special for me. What do you think? Am I just making too much of dinner and a movie? Nothing romantic went on in our first meeting, and I'm sure nothing will on this "date". I am just a mess and I know it! Maybe that is my clue to keep it simple and do my best to make sure nothing comes from this yet. Is that fair to her?

I'd love to hear your opinion and Holiday's and Eibrab's too so get to posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dukhuntr,

I think it is a hands down.. "Go for it". Dinner and a movie is pretty harmless. You can take things as slow as you like. Importantly, it will take your mind off the negative memories. Given the scope of your common interests, I would say at the very least you two will be great friends. You really cannot have too many friends.

I am glad you are feeling better.

Cheers

Paradise.

DukHunter,

Oh Yes! What a nice diversion for you to go.. Paradise is right, this may be a wonderful new friend in the making.

I'd have to seriously wonder about the reloading the shells part.... Would it be a deal breaker ? Don't you think buying them already packaged and ready to go from the local WalMart, as opposed to time spent, is the wiser choice? :-)

I know you must be terribly worried about the "what ifs". As in what if this is the night the Ex will want to talk ? What if, by you not being home, readily available, she may not come back around ?

I was there at one point. I understand. You do not seem a weak man to me for this anguish... and I hope that you will know in your heart, that if your Ex is going to come back to the world that you two have lived, the fact that you are out making new friends for one evening is not going to spoil her plans. I do wonder, due to your rather charmed description of this lady friend, if this one evening spent making a new friend might just spoil your "plans"..

During my "alone" time, I did not take advantage of meeting anyone new. I was where you were. I can't say now that I am sorry for it, as the unknown isn't worth the worry... but in my low times here (of late often created in my own head), I do question if life may be easier had I started anew. Without the old pain, or the old frustrations or the... well, you know.

My wish for you, is that you never question... that you live enough to be certain, that you do not drink too much on this "date"..and that you leave the dogs at home.

Just this time. :-)

Blessings,

Eibrab

Holiday and Paradise,

I cannot make cookies. I am simply horrible at them. I burn them. I mis-shape them. I eat the batter.

I have no fond memories of making cookies with family or friends.

I am guilty of buying bakery cookies, re-packaging them and offering them to my children to seek any amount of adoration that I can squeeze from them.

I have also hidden the last cookie in the house in the freezer, so that I can dunk it in my coffee when no one else is looking.

I am a cookie loser.

There is so much in my life that I am trying to overcome.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Thanks Gals,

Okay it's official, I'm going to go and have fun! No worries, just be me and enjoy it for what it is. And as for the reloading that is a skill that I admire. I do it too! Although lately I just buy them, no time, and even less concentration. Don't want to blow myself up.

And the dogs will have nothing to do with this. A nice dinner in a restaurant downtown by the riverwalk and the theaters are right there. I am looking forward to it now. I talked to my best friends wife tonight at the UNR basketball game and she echoed your sentiments. We used to go to these games as couples and even she said it was time for me to get out. I did have a bunch of what ifs floating in my head and I know it was just some left over confidence issues troubling me more than the chance of this blossoming into romance. I will be on my best behavior, one glass of wine and that's it. Don't want to give her the right impression just yet, do I?

Thanks for getting back to me I really appreciate you gals and your kindness. It helps to have a female friend other than your 70 something mother to talk to about this stuff.

Eibrab,

Easy girl, I know that we all have our challenged areas. How about a gentle start?

Paradise's Peanut Butter Cookies... Only 4 Ingredients.

1 cup Peanut Butter - Chunky or Creamy your call
1 cup sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon baking soda

Preheat oven to 350F Grease baking sheets with butter!

In one bowl with an electric hand mixer beat sugar and peanut butter until combined well. In another small bowl beat egg lightly with fork. Beat egg into peanut butter mixture with baking soda until combined well with mixer or fork. Or ignore above and dump everything into bowl and mix.

Eat Dough - Yummy

If desirous of venturing further, with a soup spoon, goop up bits of dough. Roll into balls. Place on greased cookie sheets about 1 inch apart. Flatten with fork to about 1 1/2 inch diameters. Bake in oven -10 minutes - until puffed and golden.

Time cookie cooking - by walking to barn, giving Silver/Ugh a kiss on the nose and scratching both his ears, walking back to kitchen. No diversions or detours allowed!

Cool on cookie sheets 2 minutes - transfer to wire rack or plates to cool completely. Eat at least two while still warm. Keeps five days in tin. Will not last one day.

Hey for a woman of your strength, intelligence and humor - this is a .......cookie walk!

Cheers,

Paradise