Hi Dukhuntr,

Thanks for the encouragement.

Rereading that post, it does sound alittle down doesn't it. I really would love to be able to go dark. I just can't until I have tidied up my involvement in the company. It would not be prudent for many reasons.

While I talk on the phone with him - as necessary. I see him face to face very rarely. I can organize around it. Days where I have no contact are always much happier.

It is a whopper of an adjustment.

I am glad your thoughts have turned happy. It makes it so much easier doesn't it. Focusing on what you can't change is like nursing a grudge - that festers and pains only you - until you let go.

On a very happy note. A service man has just removed the shipping bolts from my washer. It spins like a dream now. Front loading machines are full of concrete to help them balance, it took both of us a good 15 minutes to pull it out far enough to access the back. Now I can do laundry at will..... Wow what a treat...

I hope you are enjoying your day ...


Cheers,

PB

Paradise,

I am still a little worried about you. Are you really okay? I know you have clean clothes at last and that is a blessing for you and those around you too! You're last post while encouraging still doesn't inspire me to believe you are in a very happy place right now. If that is true get what is bugging you out there and lets talk about it. You have never been one to keep things inside and let them fester before so don't start now.

There is no one out there that owes more to you than me and if I can help you in any way you know I am there for you. You have sheparded me thru a nightmare and out the other side with your wit and common sense. Hopefully I can return some of that in a way that will help you too. I am no where near as intelligent or as eloquent in my words but I do care and I am capable of listening as well as anyone. If you would rather do this off the board we can exchange e-mails thru the moderator.

If I am just overreacting let me know that too. Sometimes I am a little dense when it come to reading a woman's emotions. I will be checking back all evening to see whats up with you so get to typing.

Hey Dukhuntr,

There is naught to worry about. I am fine. For the most part, I genuinely feel I am coping well. During the day it is always easier, the phone is ringing - life is busy. At night it is harder. I go out more now than I did when I was a teenager -or I entertain in - four nights a week at least.

Tonight, we went to see Memoirs of Geisha - a definite chick flick with breath taking scenery. Then we told stories over a late Thai dinner. One of my friends is German, she is a gifted raconteur and mimic. She made us howl with laughter.

When visiting her sister in Germany this summer, they went to a spa in Bad Oeynhausen. European custom dictates you go nude into the saunas and pools. Her north americanized sensibilities balked at the prospect of spending a day with her sister and brother-in-law naked... too much information!

There was an impasse.

Her sister refused to allow her to wear a swimsuit, (everyone would stare at her if she wore it) so she finally opted for a towel instead. The towel worked well. Except in one pool, where she dove in only to find it was icey cold. She was stuck... she shivered, teeth chattered and turned blue until there was an opportunity to get out - modestly.

I sat looking at her tonight with appreciation for the person she is. She was wearing a grey pearl and murano glass necklace I made for her this winter. It glinted in the candlelight. She is a widow, a keen observer of people and she enjoys every day. I believe she still misses her husband - yet never looks at his death as a loss rather his life with her as a gift.. a glass half full thinker...

It has been a fun day. At the beach this afternoon, there was a wet suit clad kite surfer. He was having a blast, taking 30 feet leaps in the air and going like stink across big waves. I love watching them fly across the water. It looks like so much fun. There is something I can add to my list of things to learn to do.

I hope you had a good night. I believe you underestimate yourself Dukhuntr, no one reading your posts would think you lack eloquence. I thank you for your caring thoughts.

I should sign off. I have paper work I need to get done for tomorrow. Plus dog is sitting by his basket of toys whinning which is my signal to get down on my hands and knees and play with him...

Cheers,

PB

Hi Paradise,

Okay I see where you are. Getting back into a life built around your friends is good. I know mine are very important to me more so than ever. I don't think I will ever let them get so far removed from my life again. When you have a long term and seemingly stable marriage friends are what you squeeze in when you can. That will not be the case for me from now on. Friends are there for as long as you return the friendship. Nothing more is expected and when you need them they offer so much more than you could ever expect.

I will stop worrying and just keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you too will soon find that frame of mind that will allow you to feel happy and light again. You have been staying pretty close to home lately, isn't it time to hit the road again and "let go of the wheel"? You sounded so full of life and excited when you went on your trip to Europe. Maybe the Tropics this time? Sure would beat the heck out of the frozen tundra wouldn't it? Sand, surf and fu-fu drinks with little umbrellas. I have a picture of what I think you look like in my head and you have one of those drinks in your hand on a lounge chair under a palm tree with a cabanna boy close at hand. Really big sunglasses a skimpy bikini and a big smile on your radiant face. I think you need to book the trip just so I can see how close my mental picture of you is to reality. E-mail me a photo from the resort with the caption "Eat your heart out- Paradise".

Pleasant dreams!

Journal,

Well I just spent an hour with Mr. Midnight, on paperwork and sorting out some of his stuff so he can move it out. Always an experience I must say. I haven't seen him since my Dad's funeral really - except in passing maybe once or twice.

He wanted me to give him three teacups. I did. I have many beautiful teacups. What does a 54 year old man want with teacups?

He offered me the chalet this weekend - his plans have changed. "Oh by the way, there will be a female friend of mine staying there Friday night. She doesn't get along with her step mom - so she stays elswhere until her Dad is home. She is a Level 3 instructor and Level 2 coach" - a better skier than I am! Right!

He has signed up for a cooking course. He wanted bakeware! The man has never baked anything in his entire existence. He says he finds his own cooking very uninventive! It is boring apparently. I agree. He only knows how to over boil potatoes and char burn pork chops!

I find it really uncomfortable being in the same room. He doesn't seem to, he was happy, giddy, very friendly and upbeat. I stood there and wondered if I should be trying a Plan A approach and ended up only being polite and helpful -such a strange situation - so surreal really.

I asked for my key back. He wanted to keep it. I agreed on the basis there is so much company paperwork here - that logically he should have access to but only for a couple of months longer.

He is taking a marble coffee and end tables. Even though he mentioned they were not "our" taste. I wondered who the "our" was?

I found him staring at me alot tonight. He wanted to say something. I am not sure what.

It is my week for men behaving badly it seems. A casual friend's husband made a pass at me. It is enough to make me think very ill of the so called stronger sex. Where are their brains - exactly? Oopps I think I can guess....

Creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy, creepy....

Time I think for a very long dog walk. Dog just had a chili/kibble dinner - his favourite. He has chili face. It was a very mild chili - but I will sleep with the window open!

He doesn't understand what is happening between Mr. Midnight and I, although perhaps he does. He sat right next to me the whole time his Dad was here. He kept looking at me with a question on his face. I looked back thinking I wish I knew the answer.

Hold on there Paradise!

Don't go and put the bad judgement, poor decision making, and improper behavior all on the male side of the equation. I have living breathing proof of the same behaviors from the female side you know! And where would she be thinking from? It's definitely not between her ears!

The dog sat beside you because he could smell skank. The bottom feeding attorney scent must be adhering to Midnight. Males can smell that from quite a distance you know. Some are attracted to it, others repulsed. Shows me your dog is as refined as you are. What is his name by the way? All of this time we have talked about him and not once do I remember hearing his name.

Since you have had contact with the alien tonight do something special for yourself tomorrow. Something that will take your mind elsewhere and keep it there. The days after an encounter are always the toughest for me. The encounter itself is never too bad, it actually feels pleasant sometimes. It's the aftershocks that do the damage.

Safari Girl has asked me to join her at another Hunting convention at the Casino she works for. This one is the FNAS convention. Not sure what FNAS stands for other than I know they support wild sheep. I think she feels this type of entertainment is a more relaxed way of getting to know me. She has really put the brakes on with us. She said she felt like I wanted to go too fast! I haven't even laid a hand on her - honest! All I did was to invite her to go with me whenever I had something fun to do. Maybe twice a week the past couple of weeks. Basketball games and an evening dinner with friends to be exact. She passed on both. Would that scare her? Women are strange and wonderful creatures. I just would not ever want to live in their head for more than a few seconds. Too much going on in there for us simple men.

Have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Journal,

I have been for a very long walk. It is mild here tonight. Dog and I had coffee out... talked to several people in the park and have come home the better for the fresh air.

I have had an epiphany of sorts. I know my husband still loves me.

Yes he is still very much an alien [censored] in a state of high confusion and on the run from being a grown up, but the love I have always known, relied on, flourished in - is still there.

I felt it tonight - 100%.

He kept standing too close, leaning against me while I worked at the computer, his eyes never left me once.

Curiously enough, I think he is jealous. He thinks I am seeing someone. I am out alot. When he calls there is always background noise. He doesn't ask. I don't say anything.

When I asked politely and matter of factly for my key - his body language was expicit - I could have just as easily punched him and gotten the same physical response.

I find I am relieved. I love my husband. I always have.

Now, all I have to do is be patient, cool headed and positive. All things I am exceptionally good at. I am going to really relax and enjoy the next few months. I will redecorate to my taste, throw out everything I don't like and calmly wait for him to realize it too.

On the plus side, I might just get back a husband who can cook - whoa!

Hey Dukhuntr,

Sorry about the male bashing. It has just been that kind of week. The appealing thing about men, is that when you do understand them - there are rich rewards to be had.

The dog's name is Blue. He has one blue eye and one brown eye and is mighty handsome.

I am in a good mood. I am glad you have a woolly fun outing planned. Did I herd you right - wild sheep? Surely, anything to do wild sheep will be a hoof!

As for a picture of me in a skimpy bikini - no such luck! This is a cyber world. I could closely resemble Winston Churchill and it would be very inappropriate and unkind to excite your anticipation.

I may though - just opt for a few "Fu Fu" drinks. My brother plans to haul me down to Cuba for a week. He has a two month cycling trip planned for the island. It is one of my favourite places, rich in history, wonderful people, great rum and smoking jazz!

Whew, I have got to go to bed - long tiring day!

Cheers,

Paradise

Ohhhh Paradise,

Winston Churchill??????

That was an evil way to kill a perfectly good fantasy I had going. Here I had you all glammed up and lookin good and you go and ruin the whole image with one sentence!! Not a nice thing to do to a friend. And why not a bikini? From all you have said I bet you would look great in one. Nothing more beautiful than an elegant 50+ woman that can pull off wearing a bikini still. I would bet a large sum of money you could pull it off, and I have never laid eyes on you.

I will expect no less than two cuban cigars in return for ruining my image of you. Cohiba's if possible in the glass tubes please. And I hope you choke (non-fatally) on a drink unbrella while in Cuba to boot!

Wild sheep are the Bighorn variety that are native to many areas in different species. Not the kind that make sweaters Paradise. These live in the highest and most remote mountains and are quite elusive to hunt. Thus the attraction and the high cost of hunting them. Not a game for the physically challenged or the average income Joe. Wish me luck tomorrow, Safari Girl sounded excited to see me. I hope she missed me and feels a little different about spending time with me. She did also invite me to watch the Super Bowl with her and her friends on Sunday. A good sign? Tell me what you think.

Sleep well!

Hey Dukhuntr,

Sounds like you have a great weekend planned, I am glad, half the pleasure of life is looking forward to things.

I have had a productive night. I have been plowing through paper work with good speed - to the sound of "Careless Love" by Madeline Peyroux - a simply great CD.

When I finished, Blue and I curled up together to watch "In her Shoes" a new rental release - I had wanted to see in the theatre. I enjoyed it. Shoes! How could I not enjoy it! It was an excellent family film. One scene made me tear up... because it reminded me so much of my Dad.

Cameron Diaz is luminescent. She gives a great performance.

It had a wonderful quote from e.e. cummings:

"here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) "

Such beautiful words, I going to have to buy an anthology of his work. I have not heard a more elegant expression of the interconnectedness of the human experience.

Last time I was in Cuba, I did buy cigars - Double Coronas by Hoyo de Monterrrey. They are still sitting untouched in a humidor. No one I know really smokes cigars. I run with a very healthy crowd. My Dad smoked cigars. Although my Mom made him stop probably 30 years ago. I love the smell of cigar smoke.

You like everything that is bad for you. I am sure Safari girl will have you into tofu, kale, lean cuisine suet free salami - and a smoke free snuff free regime before you can say Pork Rinds! Truer yet I bet you will like it .... I think when a woman invites a man to meet her friends - it is always a good sign....

Cheers,

P and B

Happy Super Sunday Paradise!

It does seem that I have developed some rather bad habits and tastes doesn't it. Before my marital woes I was a very boring individual in that respect. My only vice was the cigars that I enjoyed while either hunting or while walking the golf course. Now I have several more in addition to cigars. Your post got me to thinking about that and it probably is a mini rebellion for me to start all of the bad behaviors. I had given up the snuff 5yrs ago and I bet I didn't average a drink a week before the EX's A.

So far the weekend hasn't gone as well as I hoped for. Safari Girl met me Friday at the convention and had lunch with me. 45 Mins into the trade show she said her goodbye and went back to work. Kind of a let down for someone who took half a day off to meet her. She is being very reserved with me and has a major wall up. She semi made up for it yesterday by calling me to come meet her and a couple of her friends while they had lunch. They had stopped at my hangout to eat and thought of me so they called. The local tavern I frequent is called "The Stagger Inn". Aptly named to boot. Good bar food and a tradition for some of us locals. While I was there I asked her friends if it was me or just something that happened to her . They confirmed it was her and her independence created by being hurt by previous SO's. That sure relieved me, I was thinking it was me. Surviving an A sure does create some stubborn self doubt and general lack of confidence. We'll see how she treats me today when I join her and her friends at the Super Bowl party at her friends house. It's her oldest and best friend so that does make me feel like she is interested and wants her friend to evaluate the new guy. Best behavior for DH today!

What are you up to this weekend? Are you a football fan at all? MY guess would be that you and Blue are planning an outing in the outdoors and there will be very little football in your day.

One final bit of trivia from Reno for you today. I just finished reading the paper this morning and something caught my eye you would enjoy. In the back of the front page this morning in the court actions, the EX's OM was listed in the DUI convictions. Did some jail time and got a hefty fine to boot. Couldn't happen to a better person! I think that made my day! EX's brother went to court last week and got a 5 day contempt of court sentence for showing up to his DUI trial drunk and blowing a 1.7 in court. All of this just makes staying away from her and her family so much easier.

Hello Paradise and Dukhunter...

As always.. I am keeping up with the reading. I often have quite a few conversations in "my head" to share with both of you.. getting them down in cyber-print is another story.

I do think that many pots of coffee could be consumed if we were all ever given the chance to "hash" it out in person.

I came home from a sunny vacation, and had to head out West to attend some recertification seminars for some of the licensing I hold in judging horseshows. It was a "who's-who" of my world, and I should have been awestruck. With the past couple of years that I have had personally, I still try to maintain the climb up the professional ladder, though, at times, my "gusto" is lost..

Know what I learned first and foremost?

I missed my family.. Of course, my children.. but their father as well...A whole lot.

It was a nice feeling to know he felt the same, though he'd never admit it.

I hope yesterday is never my best day. The future has got to be "it" for all of us, don't you think ?

Paradise... your post about loving your husband and his feelings for you.. May I share in it?

I believe that all of us here realize how complacent we can become in marriage, and that we truly tend to lose, not only ourselves in it, but our spouses as well. Other things take priority.. It did for me. I know it has for all of us, and we are now aware of it..

Hindsight is such a horrid thing, isn't it?

But, in reading your post, I had a tear in my eye and a warmness in my heart. What a wonderful individual you are to even simply "look" for that love in this man - and, you know, I have been where you are.

I understand.

The moment in this mess of mine that I realized how much I truly love this man of mine was a turning point as much as the moment I realized how much he cared for me.

That doesn't come along very often in this lifetime, I am sure.

Stay strong. Don't clue Blue into everything as of yet. Maybe, just maybe..time is on your side.

That is my prayer for you.

Now Dukhunter... a bit of advice for you - though you might not deem me worthy of it, as I am no expert on dating..lol

When I sell a horse.. to maintain my reputation, that is very important to me.. I disclose all it's "vices" up front. More often than not, I don't want a horse with any vices in the barn..

You gave up snuff 5 years ago... (admirable, I've gotten into trucks on the farm with coffee cups full of the remnants from the workers here - oh, the nausea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ).. and you say you have developed a few more?

Kick them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.. and only keep Paradise's words as your "crutch"... There's no need not to show this Safari Girl how dependable and controlled you are.. I think the SuperBowl party is a great step for a seemingly "gunshy" woman.

You're doing well...

I'm proud of you.

I hope I can make you the same of me.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Oh and Dukhunter...

On the "Reno" news..

I have had similar observations regarding the FOW and her H in my life.

I try to be such a good person... but boy, does some reading put a skip in my step.

Shamefully..

Eibrab

Eibrab,

I am proud of you already! For someone just to have endured what you have and to have the enthusiasm you do is nothing short of amazing. You sound so good it makes me feel good.
I will be where you are soon!

I just came home from cooking Safari Girl dinner at her house. We had a long talk about the two of us and I am walking on air right now. She let me know where I stand with her and it's way better than even I could imagine. She thinks I am pretty special because I have been willing to go so slow and still be as attentive and friendly to her. I think making her dinner and letting her sit back and watch helped even more. All she could do is shake her head and laugh when I did the dishes and cleaned up her kitchen after dinner. Or maybe it was the foot massage while watching the movie I'm not sure. All I know is suddenly she is saying all the things I thought I'd never hear from her.

It's not like anything physical has happened yet but she sure let me know she wants to keep doing things with me and wants to see where this might go. After being single and happy for seven years this is big for her. She is very sucessful in her career and has a boatload of close friends that watch out for her. I think I passed the Super Bowl inspection with them yesterday.

As for the bad habits, I do need to start dropping some of them. Snuff is first on the list. I did not dip around her tonight but I have on other occasions. Usually only when she smokes. She has a couple a day and that's it so I try to only do the same. The drinking part seems to have gone away all by itself. I never drank that much before and since becoming more independent and confortable being single I only drink when I go out with the boys again.

As for the reading I have never wished the EX ill will. I will always love her in some way or another. I spent too many years with her not to. We grew up together and watched our kids grow up too. As for the OM it did warm my heart to see that karma can be a bitc*. Maybe the what goes around is finally coming around? Two other people who read that called me today to make sure I saw it. Their first question was whether or not the EX and the OM were still together. I think my telling them I had no idea was a let down. There may even be a pool going with my friends as to how long she stays with him. At this point I don't want to know what is going on, all I care about is how things between her and the kids are.

It is nice to hear from you and even nicer to hear how good you sound! Don't be such a stranger. Stop by and drop us a post more often. And if you happen to hear from Holiday we would all like to hear how she is doing.

DukHunter...

I hope you didn't take offense on my "vices" advice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I truly only meant that you should have a whole new healthy you for this wonderful new life you are trying to experience. We ALL have vices..lol

May I ask you a question for a man's point of view? You have shed some light and have been right on target regarding my H before. I could use some insight.

We are doing well. We are not perfect. Most of the faults probably occur within my own head. I think sometimes the memories of the pain hurt far more and far longer than the actual pain, don't you?

My H is very involved in the small town little league. FYI, the majority of the work that he does for them, I actually do behind the scenes. I look for no credit there, this is "his" thing.

Some of the other people involved in this were related to the A he had with this local MOW. "Party" friends, if you will. I suppose there is a possibilty that I will be uncomfortable with these people for the rest of my life. I, too, thought these people were my friends and cared for my family as well.

I have never approached, nor harrassed nor questioned any of them for their role in anything.

For the longest time, H did his best to keep me away from any of the "outward" dealings with these people. I was seeing this start to change.

When I see ANY of them, I simply smile and say hi. I am never rude, I promise you, but I have no further words for them. How can I?

Last night, I overheard H asking a local woman to take over a duty for this organization. He never asked me. This would involve becoming more closely associated with these people in a working fashion... which I sort of have been.

I feel and felt badly that he did not ask me...and I did not handle it well. The end result of this was, his anger at me for "snubbing" these people and my "inability" to be nice to any of them.

Mind you, we are talking about probably TWO couples out of the whole mess. The rest of the small town probably think I am a saint or simply stupid.

I have a dear friend who thinks he doesn't want me around these folks for a reason... No, I do not think there is contact with the OW...

Think like a man here.. is it me? Do you think he might be ashamed of me in some way in all of this?

You know Dukhunter, I just can't bring myself to have a conversation with these people. Respect is lost, but I am never rude.

Must I kiss backsides to gain their favor, simply to please my H?

Hmmm.. think with me if you will.

And, BTW.. I am envious of your new "start" and the specialness that comes with it. I'll bet you're walking a bit faster these days..

Blessings,

Eibrab

Morning Eibrab!

No offense taken. All you did was to point out what I know I need to do too. Everyone has something they need to address and deal with. Having friends encourage you to do those things helps.

Paradise and I had a conversation a while back about what you have just asked me in regard to your husband. I have a theory and mind you it's just what I feel, that WS's have a different perspective that influences how they do things and react to different situations. I think shame plays a bigger part in their actions than we can appreciate. And I am not talking about him being ashamed of you. He is ashamed of what he has done to you and to his family. My first thought in regard to what you described is that he wants to shield you from these people as much as possible. The less you interact with them the less you are liable to hear any more of the details to what all went on. The more you hear the more shame he will feel and he has enough of that to deal with already.

No matter how much you have talked to him about what you wanted to know there is always something more out there that could come up and cause more grief for the both of you. He knows this and I think you do too. I don't think you should worry about it because it's in the past for you two now and you should be looking more at the present and to the future. Besides from what you have said about these people you are 100% right in being cordial and thats it with them. I seriously doubt anyone who knows you at all thinks you are stupid. A saint yes, stupid never.

I do think if it bothers you that he snubbed you you need to talk to him about it in a positive way and let him know you would have done whatever he needed. Let him tell you what his thoughts were. I did the Little League thing for many years and so did my EX. It was hard enough to do when we had a strong and solid relationship. I can't imagine doing all those same things while recovering from what the two of you have been thru. He may be just trying to keep some time for the two of you open during the season, I would.

You have an opportunity in your hands right now to make your marriage stronger and better than ever. Patience, an open mind, along with a willingness to have honest and caring conversations will make this work. I know how much you have been hurt by all of this but you have the chance to do what the rest of us only dreamt about so far. Don't let your old hurts stand in the way of the of making things better for you and your family.

Dukhunter...

Can you tell I was sitting on my hands just waiting for your words of wisdom ? I feel like I've just "pounced" on you..

I feel badly about the way I handled this. I feel worse about the way HE handled it. He got very mean with me...and it turned to insulting me and seemingly protecting others. That's simply not fair.

I do understand what you say about "keeping" me from these people. Possibly the FOW would have had to be dealt with in this position as well. But, to insult me in regards to my demeanor stings. I even had an idiotic moment where I posed to him, that possibly he might even like to offer the position to FOW as she seems to be less embarrassing to him.

You may admonish me now. I deserve it. Sometimes, being so good all the time really sets the tone for a stupid outburst at a moments notice.

Truth be told... I really don't want the position. Honestly. It would have been nice to graciously turn him down. I enjoy being behind his "scene" making him look good.

Lord knows he needs it in this community... though I will be honest, there has been a time or two (last night being one) where he has told me that I am the only one causing embarassment. He isn't.

Pompous.

We are doing well. Sadly such a trivial things brings back so much old pain, and your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I truly don't wish to "misbehave" - and I mean that in a mature fashion, not like a squashed child..

Thank you for caring..Your insight is a gift to so many here.

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

Don't feel too bad about all of this. Learn from it, so the next time something like this comes up you can meet it head on and in control. I can't say I blame you or your H. The wounds are still open and will be for a long time. It doesn't take much to inflame them again. Each time it should be less and less traumatic though if you see it for what it is, re-establishing trust and respect.

His shame fans his temper because he doesn't want to look at it that closely any more. Your perceptions of being snubbed are in large part caused by you feeling a lack of respect. All of these were created by the A and won't go away on their own. Time and patience are your friends now.

And yes I agree with you he is being pompous saying you are causing the embarassment. Just don't tell him that! A man's ego is very fragile, believe me I know, he needs to be confident in himself to be any good to anyone. I know it can be hard to do for you since you did nothing wrong yourself, but giving him the luxury of of building some ego when it's not deserved may help you in the long run. Same thing goes for horses doesn't it? They may be even smarter than most of us men. They get fed, groomed and sent out for stud by simply doing what they are told on a regular basis. We men could learn from a good horse sometimes!

And by all means you need to build on your ego too. You have been the rock that kept things together. You have every right to feel a sense of pride in yourself and what you have done. Showing your feelings and wanting to be respected is okay. Now be the smart one and do it in a way that builds on the relationship, as opposed to creating conflict and moving back a step or two.

DukHunter...

How in the world did someone such as yourself end up where I "am" ?

You seem to have so much more control. If I could only be so strong..

This really frazzled me. I have become a rock - very solid. But to have him say to me that I am unkind or even rude really got to me.

Might be a trigger I suppose... In hindsight, during the A, everytime I did something he didn't like, he'd say to me... well, OW would never do that or say that to me.

Maybe I was waiting for the comparison again.

I feel so "judged" by all of this...almost as if it defines me. My goal should be to show others just what I am made up of, don't you think?

I truly thank you.

Eibrab

Hello,
I have tried to read to get up to date.
It looks like you are all getting along well.
PB...how could Mr Midnight not still be in love with you? He is so lost.
DH...you are staying so very strong!
E...sorry your H doesn't always remember how much pain you have endured through your marriage. I think one day he will come around.
My H just finished his mid term. Very stressful 2 weeks studying. He is holding in there.
We celebrated 24 years of marriage on the 30th. Had a nice dinner.
I am planning a trip to visit my sick friend Terry. He is now awaiting his 3rd agressive chemo treatment. He's hanging in there.
I haven't been to MB in a long while. The little group I was posting with decided to end our time with MB so as to move forward in our recovery. We still email, but not as often as we used to post...there's an emptiness in my heart, but I understand that sometimes "rehashing" and "bashing" are negative energies.
I will check on you all here and if there is anything you need, just ask.
You can also email me at [email]sncento@yahoo.com.[/email]

Peace,
holiday