Paradise,

You kill me! It's called a float tube and you wear neophrene waders. The difference being the waders only come up to your armpits vs a wetsuit that goes to your neck. I'll bet she is a flyfisherperson like me. I have two such tubes. One works better in rougher water the other is more comfortable to fish from. It is a good workout to flip around all day in a lake and catch fish too. You should try this sometime it's very relaxing and peaceful to bob around even if you are not catching fish. And yes you can take a nap in one of these very easily!

How was your weekend? Mine was very quiet and relaxing. Went out with Safari Girl Friday night and just talked and had a few drinks and a late bite for dinner. I think I am just an experiment for her. Just to see if she likes having a "companion" again. I just don't feel a sense of any real attraction on her part. She got real defensive and standoffish when I told her I really enjoyed spending time with her and was starting to think about her more and more. She referred back to when I told her I wanted to go slow and just have fun. Women confuse me. It's not like we have anything physical going whatsoever. A few kisses and hugs and that's it. So what spooked her? Is it wrong of me to want to feel some affection and hear some encouraging sentiment back after two months of dinners and dates?

I like Safari as a person and I respect her for her career and what she been through, but how long do I go on giving not getting much back from her?

You have been reading and soaking up everything you can lay your hands on haven't you. When do you find all of this time to read? The excerpts you have posted here are really insightful but they seem to create conflicting thoughts for me. As the simple idiot I am the last thing I need right now is conflicting thoughts running thru my head and creating stress. I know you are determined to try and understand Midnight but is this really possible? I think I have accepted that I will never understand why my EX has made the decisions and choices she has in the last two years. This frees my mind up to think about other pursuits and just to relax for a change.

Do I want her back as she is now? In a word, "NO". Too many feelings of entitlement on her part and not enough respect for the rest of our family and friends. Plus there is still the issue of trust. She is still not entirely truthful with anyone about anything. She and the OM have still not told the rest of their co-workers about their relationship. In an office of 12 where they socialize as a group every Friday afternoon over wine in the office and regularly on weekends outside of the office, I find this hard to believe. But I still talk to some of her co-workers who have known from D-Day and they are shocked to hear it's still going on from what they see at work. Shows that EX and OM really don't feel all that good about what they are doing doesn't it.

Well off to bed, I have our auditors coming in tomorrow to start their annual fun fest. I feel like a waiter when they come in. Get me this and get me that all day. It's the only part of my job I absolutely detest. They are really nice people but I think of them as morticians and medical examiners examining the dead. Nothing productive or beneficial is being paid for. Only a comfort level for the bankers.

Journal,

A, very busy day. I took my brother to a spinning class at lunch. We biked side by side at one point, I was siinging along with full gusto to Tina Turner's " rolling down the river..." peddling as fast as I could to keep up with my brother's furious bursts of speed. While he smiled shaking his head.


He went camera shopping in the afternoon. While I worked. Later, we took Mom out for dinner to an swishy Italian place. She looked great - beige beaded boots, funky turquise top - great hair do and as always - perfect nails. She was in good form. She loves seeing my brother.

I looked at my little family over a round of tartufo, thinking how much my Dad would have loved to have been there. I really missed him tonight.

I have been thinking of Eibrab bulldogs all day. I can picture them very clearly with that hand mirror. I wonder what a bull dog thinks when he looks in the mirror. "Geez, I certainly don't look like Mom, I must take after Dad." Or conversely, "Aren't we the cat's meow, no wonder we get away with so much..."

Hey Dukhuntr,

You are right of course. Understanding people when they make out there choices is a very hard thing to do. Perhaps it is better not to attempt it.

I am glad you are getting over the divorce and moving on to explore a new life. I would give Safari girl lots of lead. A couple of months is not a long time when courting a woman.

I think Eibrab was spot on the money with respect to your daughter's internal dilemma. It is a terrible thing to love two people who no longer are on good terms. Time will heal all.

Belly boat must be the Canadian term, she is angles for artic char in a far north icey lake. I get a fantastic smoked salmon sent down every Christmas.... Yum!

I hope you enjoy your week.

"How many auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it."

Cheers,

Paradise

Thank you, Paradise, for acknowledging that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.. there were two bulldogs here in Ohio who helped fend off three attackers to allow their already physically beaten owner (he had to make it to the house to let them out) to flee to safety. It was all over the news yesterday. Our male, Sarge (Sargeant Handsome in reality) perked up with great interest each time the story came on..as if to say that he'd have done it the same way.

His sister, Maisie (both neutured and spayed responsibily, I would assume in-breeding in an already "suspectly handsome" dog would be even more of a crime) and I both knew much better.

She'd have had to handle it. It's us women here who clean up the riff-raff. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have spent time reading the materials you have shared here and mulling them over. At this point, I could be an "auditor" and discuss the great significance of each one.

I think it's amazing how some people understand human nature.

You are one of them.

My best to your brother..

Blessings,

Eibrab

Journal,

I can't say I was looking forward to Valentine's Day. However despite my misgivings, it has been a good day. I did another spinning class with my brother at lunch.


Afterwards, we had a quick bite, quietly munching down salads while reading the paper. One of the co-creators of Curious George was murdered in Orlando - a home invasion. It made me very sad. My Dad used to read me Curious Gearge books at bedtime.

My brother went on to see some of his old university buddies for the afternoon and evening. I went back to work and then took Blue to the beach. It was snow free and every shade of brown and beige imaginable.

I stood and chatted with a scottish friend whose 14 year dog has just been diagnosed with cancer. He lost his wife three years ago and the thought of losing his dog is making him very sad. I am adding Flo to my list of people/dogs I pray for. She seemed unaware of any problem and nosed my pockets hopefully looking for treats.

I also ran into my friend John's wife, also recently diagnosed with cancer. He had a stroke after his first chemotherapy session. She looks haggard and pale. Illness takes a horrible toll on everyone.

Later on I met up with my scrabble buddy to do a movie and dinner. It was her birthday last week. She was sick - so we celebrated this week.

We saw the Pink Panther - very funny. There is a hysterical dance scene in it - worth the price of admission alone.

Afterwards, she was hungry. So we went to dinner at local Thai place I freqent often. The food is good - the decor austere. The waiters all have little blackberries they enter their orders in.

The room was chock full of couples. I wore red tonight, red sweater, red boots. I melded into the decor as the room was very red. Bowls of red roses submerged in water, red balloons, red hearts scattered across white table cloths.

We went with the special three course dinner. Our passion fruit rum cocktails arrived with a rasberry liquor heart drawn on top. Each successive course was presented with a heart of some description. There was only one other table in the entire two storey place that was not a couple.

Last year, Mr. Midnight and I went out to a Morrocan restaurant. We sat cross legged ate lamb and rice and watched belly dancers. It was fun and quite lively. I really missed him tonight. I wondered what he was doing. Knowing I am better off ignorant.

Prayers for Flo..

And many, many others..

Happy Valentine's Day.

Eibrab

Hi Paradise and Eibrab,

Well it's my first V-Day at home alone in 29 years. Weird part is I'm looking forward to spending the time alone and with nothing to do. Actually I have to prepare for a membership meeting for our hunting club on Thursday night since I volunteered to be the new Treasurer. NEVER VOLUNTEER should be something I could remember. I have done this type of work for various non-profits for years as a volunteer and I should know better by now! Lots of work and very little appreciation.

Safari Girl couldn't get together today because of an intense desire to workout. I think it's a sign that she's really not that interested and time for me to back off entirely. I'm going to go quiet with her and let her decide if we go any further.

Happy Valentine's Day to both of you! You both are sweethearts in my book and deserve the best from all those around you today!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just because...

Eibrab

Hi All,

I hope everyone is well.

I have been out of town for a few days. We had severe storms which delayed my return. Plus I've had lots to do. No time to contemplate life or shoes for that matter.

I am off to one of my night classes... I will check in later tonight.

Cheers,

PB

Hello Eibrab and Paradise, and you too Holiday!

I think we are all doing pretty darn well since this is the first time since I can remember we haven't been on the board at least daily. I know I am doing great! I hope all of you are too.

Safari Girl and I had a heart to heart Saturday and she has told me just what I suspected. Not romantically interested but still wants to go and do stuff together. I'm okay with this, as a matter of fact it makes things easier. Less pressure to conform to her ideals and expectations. I certainly won't be picking up all the checks when we go out any more. We'll see how long it lasts after that. I suspect not long! If I want to go out with friends we share and share alike when it comes to the bills. Not Safari Girl, in two months she hasn't even offered yet.

I took an old girl friend to a basketball game last week and she makes nothing compared to Safari and she grabbed a check I was trying to pay. I never noticed this until that night. Strange what you ignore when you are semi-enthralled isn't it.

How's you brother liking the frozen north Paradise? Bet he hasn't been riding his bike much huh? You need to start training for Cuba soon don't you? Maybe you need to do a training trip to Las Vegas to ride in a better climate and to visit Holiday. I am headed down there in March to go with my friends from LV to spring training for the Giants in Phoenix for a few days. I can't wait to see them, this will be a blast. 10-12 of us that all played baseball together in High School or College are all going together to eat, drink and be idiots again while watching our favorite team gear up for the season. Come on down and we can all get together one night and completely ruin the mental image we have of each other, plus burn some brain cells too!

How are the horses doing Eibrab? Given your talent for judging I bet you have been to both Reno and Las Vegas for a show or event at some time or another. I have a friend who's husband runs Ranch Harrah's horse business here in Reno. They do several events a year plus we have the snaffle bit futurity and other horse shows here too.

Have a great week everyone!

Journal,

It has been a really busy week. Between hosting my brother, talking to the wee hours every night, going to and fro with family and friends and trying to stay up to date on work, I have not had a moment.

My brother is now in Cuba, cycling and I will join him a little later - probably the first week in March. I am looking forward to it. Going somewhere, particularly somewhere warm is always exciting.

We have been in the grip of harsh cold weather, heavy snow and high winds - very dangerous driving.

One night last week, I was on an eight lane highway around midnight, with only the dog in the car, in the worst wind storm with white out conditions I have ever been in. You could see nothing but blowing snow and yet you knew traffic was all around. Scary.

There was a multi car pile up on the other side of the meridian, with perhaps ten emergency vehicles and their flashing lights. It shed enough light for me find an exit and get off.

We found a near by hotel to hole up for the night. I was happy to be safe and sound, sitting in a holiday inn express with not even a tooth brush. The next morning I watched the weather channel report that tractor trailers were blown of highways and even a train was blown off its tracks.

Blue likes staying in hotels. It is fresh sniffing. He looks up at me as if to say, "Excellent choice I didn't like the smell of that storm either...".

We have just finished a play session though he doesn't seem to think it is over yet and he is sitting by his toy basket making the most pathetic, whiney, "...my heart is breaking mommy" sounds.

He learnt to whine from another dog quite late in life. He is now an expert. I can't lisen to the tormented sounds of doggy suffering very long and I always capitulate. He smiles at me when I get up to do his bidding.

Last Saturday night, I gave a dinner party for very old friends. One of whom has recently taken up guitar. My heart sunk when I watched him bring it in. He is very serious about his music.

I sigh, knowing it is going to take every fibre of my self control not to burst into giggles... His singing resembles at best a cat with his tail caught in a wringer and his strumming is only slightly better.

He manages to clear my living room completely. Every one decides to go for a walk suddenly. I sit with his wife and smile encouragingly - willing the dog to start barking and put an end to the caterwauling. The dog seems to find it intriguing and sits quiet.

I take frequent sips of wine. It is impossible to laugh and swallow at the same time. Eventually I know I am not going to hold on any longer - and make my self busy in the kitchen.

During the clean up in the kitchen - someone referred to Mr. Midnight as the man I used to be married to. I blinked.

```````````````

We are just back from a lunch time walk. Blue prances when he walks... a confident jaunty dance like trot that says so eloquently - "All is right in the universe..."

It is sunny and cold. There are a few big flakes of snow floating haphazardly in the air.

The weather just changed. Now there is thick snow flying yet it is still sunny, sort of like a sun snow shower...

I sometimes think about the desert where Dukhuntr and Holiday live. Such a different climate, hot, dry, sunny. I think I would the miss all the green we get when winter does clear. I like having four seasons. There is more footwear required. One wears coats alot. I like coats. There is constant change one day to the next.

Hey Paradise,

We do have four seasons here in Reno, just not the deep freeze you get up in Canada. Las Vegans will say they have a winter but its relative. I dont think they have seen snow in years and if the dogs water bowl freezes outside everyone goes out to see the ice. Today in Reno started out at a balmy 17 degrees on the way to work and hit 38 this afternoon. Holiday would be looking for the National Guard to help if that happened in Lost Wages.

I'm glad you had the time and common sense to get off the road that night. No schedule or comfort of home is worth risking life and limb for.

I would have blinked if I were you too! It comes as a real surprise when friends show how little they really think of and are aware of other peoples situation in life. I used to be guilty of the same thing. We get so caught up in our own little world we fail to realize what those around us are going thru. My EX clued me into this way before I recognized it in our friends. She is very fond of telling me that my exposing to our friends didn't mean anything because they don't care about our personal lives in the slightest. I have found this to be true for the most part. Only my true and closest friends seem to be able to comprehend what has happened and keep up with the changes in my life.

Have a pleasent evening!

Hey Dukhuntr,

Thanks for the moral support. Today it was very balmy here too. We are having very weird weather, warm, deep freeze, warm...

I was served with court papers today. The accident I was in last fall, resulted in the other driver being charged. I have to testify at a trial this summer. At first I thought I was getting served divorce papers and my heart started to gallop.

Dog is with Daddy and it is very quiet here tonight.

I am pondering life - sitting at my desk - surrounded by things I should do.

I read an excellent quote over the weekend...

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly. Henri Bergson.

That really sums up life. For all its ups and downs, it is what every one is trying to do - to the best of their abilities. We are creating ourselves endlessly - moment to moment - thought to thought.

It is why our thoughts are so important - they are what makes us who we are for that few seconds of time. We can be funny, generous, kind, courageous, loving - so many wonderful things ... just by trying .. just by thinking.

I can even be sleepy. Which is what I really am right now. I hope you and yours have a great night.

Cheers,

PB

Evening Paradise,

Change is our existence these days. I feel I change my thoughts and perceptions on a weekly basis. I go from anxiously waiting for the new and brighter future to occur to re-hashing the events of the past year, to just trying to get thru another week at work. This week has been a week of reminiscing about "the old days". Happier times spent in what I considered a strong and happy marriage.

I think that the one year anniversary of D-day coming up in a couple of weeks has put me back a little on edge. I have spent a lot of time thinking about all the things that have changed for me and for my kids. Probably not the best way to keep the progress going on my own personal recovery. I feel the worst now about all the little adjustments my kids have to endure and will have to cope with from now on. That will be difficult to adjust to for all of us. I wish it didn't have to happen but it's there and we need to learn to make the adjustments. I still have a recurring fantasy that comes back on a regular basis in which EX figures it all out and comes running home. The only good part about it now is that I know it is a fantasy and will never really happen.

I had an exchange of e-mails with her today regarding our last joint tax return. She still managed to slide in a jab about not exposing her indescretions or the OM's. For someone who says she doesn't care about what people think or say about her she sure puts a bunch of effort into telling me not to tell anyone anything. I think it embarrassed her when OM got his DUI and she heard I told one of our friends about it. I just can't for the life of me figure out how those two have kept there little A going thru all of this. They still haven't felt good enough about their relationship to share it with their co-workers even. Maybe that keeps the excitement in the A for them. They still think they are fooling the people around them.

I'll bet the court server scared you! Have you and Midnight ever discussed an end to this "seperation", or "estrangement" or whatever he considers it? I know you have the patience of Jobe but this can't go on forever can it? Somewhere or somehow somthing or someone has to draw a line in the sand, don't they? I know people have lived out the remainder of their lives in seperation but is that something you would be willing to do? I know you still love Midnight and believe in him, but "what if". It does not sound like you talk enough to get a feeling for his thinking these days. I guess you don't have to do anything soon but maybe it wouldn't hurt to start thinking about putting an end to the status qou.

Everytime I start to get all moopy and re-enraged about the A now I pull one of your thoughts out of the back of my head to quiet the demons. You really have been a teriffic influence on me and on my recovery. I hope that I have done some small measure of the same for you and that you will let me continue to bounce things off of you now and then.

Give Blue a good belly rub for me and sleep well tonight.

Journal,

It was a busy and interesting day. I hosted a business function tonight. Many people all dressed up, juggling glasses of wine, plates of appetizers, saying hello.

I always find I relive my life at these events. I run into people I worked with sometimes 20 odd years ago in a variety of connected previous roles.

Only two people in the room knew I had separated from my husband that definitely made it more relaxing for me. My husband arrived very late in the evening. I rode back with him because he was also dropping off the dog. It was like a thousand other nights we chit chatted about who and what. Except now he drives away to go back to his very swish bachelor pad.

I don't know what will happen with my marriage - nothing is really clear. There are times when I think I have a handle on the direction it is going and other times when I don't.


``````````````````````

I ran into the OW this morning - the same big smile and cheery hello. I resolutely walk by, silent, neutral and frankly no longer interested.

Sometimes, I think we are just bags of chemicals. Occassionally there are unforeseen fissions/reactions that no one can predict but leave a lasting mark.
`````````````

Mr. Midnight phoned. He has just had an accident, a dump truck drifted into his lane. There is some slight damage to one side of the car. He was talking on the phone while driving and didn't notice the truck starting to wander. He is very lucky to be unharmed. He sounds very grumpy and annoyed.

It is just plain dangerous to talk and drive. I remember one of the few times in our marriage when I really lost it. He was eating with a plate in his lap using both hands for knife and fork and driving with his knee. He couldn't understand why I took the meal away from him.

In trouble, I was the first person he called.

`````

Just a few jokes that were posted over on fortysixty... hopefully to make you laugh...


A Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to
forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

```````

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but
still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared
and yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............


"We're down here .....


````````````

Pharmacology News

In pharmacology, most drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the generic name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Rx drug industry has been looking for a more descriptive generic name for Viagra than sildenafil citrate (how much fun is THAT?). After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered, but rejected, were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

In other news, its manufacturer recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

It should also be noted that over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. It is believed that as the population ages, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them.

`````````````

A ROOSTER NAMED RALPH

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money."

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

````````````````
This might be an old one...

Married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but, before he
leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will
have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment,
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regrets what he had done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check
for $250.00 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because, when I rented
the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It has never been occupied.
2. There was plenty of heat.
3. It was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found
out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and
that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size but, if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full, or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Journal,

Well I made a list of 10 things to get done this weekend and have accomplished only two. Instead, aside from catching a film with a friend, I have spent almost the entire weekend curled up reading and going for long walks with the dog.

He likes this kind of weekend. To his mind it was perfect with a minor exception of me giving him a castille soap bath last night... He grumbles and grumbles but he is puppy perky afterwards.

I reread a couple of books which were really helpful earlier: Surviving an Affair by the Harleys and When the One You Love Wants to Leave - by Donald Harvey.

I think the best point the Harleys make - is that if you don't do a good job of meeting each other's needs - you will be faced with the same amount of work after going through the painful rituals of divorce and multiple marriages - in having to learn to meet some new person's needs.

Now I am immersed in "Mind of Clear Light" by the Dalai Lama - an excellent read. I bought it yesteday. I was sorely tempted to also buy two other books - one on why slow has merit and the other which argued that too much choice actually dimishes the quality of life. Intriguing arguments..for another day.

One of the key concepts of buddhism is impermanence. Everything has an ending. I find relief in the thought. It means that is is unlikely I will go on indefinitely in pain. Harvey makes the same point. When you are low -you think that things will stay grim indefinitely - it isn't a realistic viewpoint.

Someone called me from California this morning around 7.00 a.m. - looking for a marina. When I hung up - I had visions of blue water, palm trees and sailboats, while staring out at a snow and ice bound streetscape. We are back in a deep freeze. Everyone is bundled up and scurrys to get out of the cold as fast as possible.

I thought about going out for a diner breakfast this morning. I like eating breakfast out. I sit in a nearby diner reading the paper, while Blue looks at me through the window sending me telepathic messages to save him at least half of the back bacon. Instead it was coffee and toast at home.

I going try a new yoga class this morning and then meeting a friend for lunch and we are going to a beading class. Not exactly a wildly exciting agenda...

Hi Paradise!

Glad to hear you are well and enjoying being home. I have not read 'Surviving an Affair" yet. Is it helpful and worth the read? I'm doing pretty good right now but the one year mark that is coming up has my mind spinning a bit lately.

That and I had to come out of the darkness to do our taxes for last year. I wound up having the first rational conversation with her since D-Day. No emotion on my part but I asked a bunch of the questions I wanted to hear her answer. She did a pretty good job of keeping her emotions in check too. She finally quit returning my e-mails after 2-3 exchanges and I think some of the old EX came out and she just couldn't talk anymore. Usually I go into a deep funk after talking to her but I felt energized this time. I discovered a few things about our relationship that I never knew. She has been hiding a bunch of her family's issues and problems from me for years. She even told me that the credit card problem I thought was hers was actually her brother. Seems he hit everyone in the family on their credit cards and by forging checks. Same stuff he went to prison for. I had always blamed her for a lack of restraint on this and she was just protecting her brother. Still not a good thing but it does give me a little more faith in her character. And it does explain how she could become so resentful of our life together. Being held accountable feeling resentment from me for something you did not do would empty your love bank.

I feel now that maybe we really are better off apart right now. She said she is coming to realize how deception and lies have changed her and she feels better about herself now in that she says she is being completely honest and open every day. Maybe someday the person I have known for 29 years will come back to being herself again. There is still and underlying currrent of anger and entitlement in her words so I know she is not there yet but I feel there is hope for her now. She did manage to throw in a few pointed remarks about exposure again so I know that has been more effective than I knew before.

Have you ever really exposed Midnight's A to anyone outside your family? I know some of your acqiaintances just think you are divorced, so why not expose to a chosen group of his friends? At least you won't have to "blink" at misperceptions as often in the future.

Well off to shoot in a charity sporting clays shoot. Nothing closer to hunting than this and I have been missing the excitement of being outdoors and hearing the sound of gunfire.

Hey Dukhuntr,

I hope your weekend was fun. I enjoyed mine - without the sound of gunfire!

Going through the first year anniversary of all the heartache will be tough. I am sending you wishes of strength and most importantly balance.

Surviving an Affair is an excellent read! Very insightful perspective.. it helps you see the situation from the WS's viewpoint too.

You are right I am starting to gear up for Cuba. I have been giving myself audio spanish lessons. These will be very helpful if I have to buy melons - unsupervised. I also have been thinking about what to take for my week long jaunt.

My brother and I have been having a smallest bag contest for a long long time. When he arrived in to see me in transit to his two month cycling trip - he had his bike box with just his bike in it and a very small gym bag size duffel. He nonchalantly laid it at my feet. I was crest fallen.

When he was asleep I peaked inside. It was half full of spare bike gear that you cannot buy down there -worse yet!

Happily he has just sent a long list of things he would like me to buy and bring down. I am grinning ear to ear. For myself, I may just go down with a large bag of stuff to give away (consumer goods are scarce there), a toothbrush, 1 guidebook and some quick dry underwear! I can probably fit it all in my purse! Yippee!

I have been reading the posts on the fortysixty forum. Very interesting group virtually all women like me who have lost their man to a MLC/OW/Whatever! The reactions range from not being able to get out of bed to ROTFLMAO humor!

Mr. Midnight is leaving for a 10 day skiing trip to Colorado, he leaves the day before I get back. So I can look forward to almost three weeks of being completely dark.

There are times I really miss him and other times I am quite content on my own.

One of the books I read last weekend described losing your spouse by them being pulled out of the marriage by another person, being pushed out by their needs not being met or being put out because of abusive behaviour. It is always harder when you are the one being left. Yet it can be for the best too.

From the sounds of your recent posts, I think you will find that you will develop a very full vibrant new life. Two years down the road, it won't as traumatic and you won't be alone!

Sleep well and give the lab a big hug!

Cheers,

PB

Hello there Paradise!

I don't know about celebrating D-day but I think even this year I know I will be fine no matter what happens next. This time last year I wasn't so sure. I don't think I will ever be able to think positively about that day. I know how much I valued my marriage and my wife, and my best friend. I think I will always wonder what all went on to get us to this point in time and I wonder too if she thinks about it. Wouldn't it be an incredible and enlightening experience to live inside the WS's mind for just a short while and learn what really went on and feel the emotions they felt. From our perspectives we just can't get get a handle on their thinking or their emotional state of mind. EX even said that to me last week. that I will never understand. I think she is 100% right about that.

I think after really listening to her last week the fact that I have all of the interests I do like golf, hunting, fishing, softball, etc, and that she didn't participate in any of them was a big factor. She said it again last week, I had all of my stuff and she felt the kids didn't need her any more and that she wanted something for herself. She was never outdoor oriented and her hip prevented active participation in most sports, so now she is still into spectator sports only watching a younger model in action. From what she said this is all I could gather. She felt she needed to change her lifestyle and get away from the same old cycle we were in. Not what you or I would choose I'm sure but it is her choice and and her life. I'm okay with this I think, now. It's really hard to accept the manner in which she chose to get to this new life but I hope she can find some happiness this way.

My dog's name is Jaime Lee. after my favorite actress. Plus we needed a name that fell in line with Jessica and Josh my kids names. All J's. Once we had named the kids we figured why change the pattern? Jaime is a bit sloppier and certainly smellier but just as loving and loyal as the other two. She's in warming my bed as I write this. I will have to lift the comforter to move her over enough to get in in a while. She hates to be disturbed after getting all comfy in my bed. She usually pouts when disturbed and goes down to the floor groaning loudly the whole time. Then with a heavy sigh and a bump to the side of the bed shes lights out again.

Two weeks in Cuba with what you can pack in a handbag? If there is a woman alive who can pull this off it is you Paradise! Anyone else and I would say not a prayer! Is Blue going to doggie jail while you are gone or will Midnight be charge of walking him? Don't forget to stock up on doggie bath supplies for when you come home. I'm sure he will smell of skanky-poo when you pick him up. Nothing that a good de-lousing wont cure.

Have a great evening yourself.