Hey Paradise,

Just a qick note before getting some much needed sleep. I should have tried the shopping therapy sooner! I still feel revved up and happy from last night. I'm not sure if it was just the shopping or the time I spent with my daughter. I suspect more the latter.

Sleep has been hard to come by lately. Weird dreams that wake me up and some insomnia too. Nothing related to marital problems or the kids in specific, but a general restlessness. Last night I slept soundly but it felt like I only slept a couple of hours when it was eight. Tired all day at work too! Been really productive at work lately thank god. Don't have time to spend dwelling there any more.

You haven't said much lately about what your plans are for limiting your contact with Midnight. Are you moving forward with getting out of the Business? A legal seperation? I think you may need to do something here in regard to protecting your interests from a MLC in the spending area.

Where has Eibrab disappeared to these days? I hope all is well with her.

Pleasant dreams.

Journal,

I had a productive day. Tonight, Blue and I went for a long walk and ended up sharing a hamburger on a bench. It has been fabulous weather. I wore sandals.

We came home and organized to be ready for another road trip this weekend. We are going to the cottage to entertain friends and then give it a final clean before our landlady moves back in for the spring. Blue wags his tail and smiles at me, when I tell him our plans. He loves the cottage!

I took a big step today and wrote my husband's new address in my address book. It gave me a weird feeling. I have been keeping it on a scrap of paper.

In a way, it is a kind of acceptance. When I had a drink with a friend this week, I jokingly described him as slipping the leash and scampering around the neighborhood.

It is considerably more than that. He has created a new life, a new persona with a new home, furnished with new furniture, a french audiophile sound system, and complete with a new wardrobe. The only thing he hasn't bought yet is a new car. I can't wait for that bill!

He has made new "younger" friends. He spends very little time with any of our old friends these days. Plus of course, he has a new woman! Although it could be plural!

We are polite - co-operative. We have a rough agreement on who gets what. I have made no major legal moves - other than to organize. I am still waiting. I have not given up yet.

The first real date we ever had. He waited outside a pub in -20F weather for 3 hours. I had forgot about it completely and when I did remember and stopped by not expecting that he would be there. There he stood, practically frozen solid.

We went inside and I asked him "Why at least didn't you wait indoors." He just shook his head and said, " I wwwwas wwwwwworried I'ddd mmmmmiss yyyooouuu."

I can't quite give up yet. I am worried he will wake up, remember that I am waiting for him, show up to find me gone and I will miss him.

I've been reading <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ..

I tried to respond to Duk's shoe shopping therapy, but my computer said no. I really hate arguing with this thing.. It usually wins.

Yesterday my "baby" turned 10. It's a hard realization for me. I always wanted more.. maybe that is why the current year of my life has been so hard. Another child, but not mine..

Today, I conquered a beast in my home that has plaqued my son for most of his now 10 years... A bedroom with small flowery-like wall-paper.

The battle was long... I am bruised and battered, but my dear sweet little guy is now surrounded by a 10 year old selected greenish pattern and a bass fishing border.

It's a good night here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tomorrow may be even better... A crate arriving from Vegas should bring a new male partner for my lonely female tortoises... I'm told that he is friendly and rather handsome. He'd better be.. I certainly don't wish to add to the ugly portion of the world's tortoise population.

I tell the ladies just how beautiful they are everyday. I truly think they believe it.

The archery continues.. I have found that I even dream about it... H seems quite proud of me. I find him checking out websites for a better short-draw bow for me...

I told him.. I don't need the top of the line equipment. I just need to aim better.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I thank God every night for this thread and the words and people in it... New shoes, bookstores, a dog who steals socks.. each post brings me closer to the good that is in people.

I'd like to help you wait, Paradise - as long as you wish.

I'd like to help DukHunter find the life he deserves and the courage to put down the can of snuff... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for being here..

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab,

Such a lovely post! Having your family together and under one well decorated roof is a huge blessing.

I hope your romeo is up to the task. The female heart if a fragile thing even in turtles.

I went with a friend to a demonstration pole dancing class today. Very wild! It does look like it is great for upper body toning. We giggled through the whole thing. They had one section on Walk Like a Woman With Intention! Intention to what... I have been practising rolling my hips as I pack.

Just loading the car for a quick getaway... off to do Mom's shopping .... then we are on the open road!

Wishing you happy and at peace.

Paradise

Paradise,

You never cease to amaze me! Pole dancing?????? As in a pole on a stage? As in a strip club pole dancing???? If so I am booking a flight to come video tape the next lesson because I just can't picture you doing this and I need visual proof that it is happening! Not that it is bad, it's just so out of character for the sophisticated and proper all business Paradise I have come to know and love.

If you won't let me come and do the video, get a video capable phone and have a friend get 60 seconds of this and e-mail the event to me for posterity's sake alone. I love it!!!! I will forward a copy to Midnight and he can turn to a steaming pile of goo just thinking about it. Eibrab can bring Mr. Turtle and the girls and get a jump start in her turtle farm.

That makes my day! I don't think anyone will be able to wipe the smile off my face for a long time today. Have a great trip and I will talk to you next week!


P.S.- this is for both of you - I am down to a couple of dips a day on the snuff and well on my way to quitting already. Thanks for the support.

Dukhuntr,

It is done fully clad, mostly to the sound of giggling. In our group there was a real mixture of ages and it was fun. I am happy it made you smile.

However, I really like to spin. It is simple. The music is usually great and it helps clear your mind. I use to swim alot - for me it has the same kind of flow.

Great news on the snuff! We all have addictions, it just works so much better if you get addicted to things which are good for you. Or at the very least don't cause harm.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

It is very late. I just got in and with many trips have fully unloaded the car.

I cleaned out our cottage tonight and left it pretty much in pristine shape. I always find this a sad task. Blue and I go for one last long walk down to the beach and along the quiet streets as a parting ritual.

Technically, I had already moved out midway in the season. Though as no one was using it this weekend, I thought I would do one last weekend of entertaining.

It was lovely sunny spring weather. I had up a nice mix of people, including four dogs of various sizes. It went by in a blink.

In the process, of packing up Midnight's gear, I found a note scrawled in lipstick on a napkin from his new skiing buddy. The gal I spent the weekend with earlier in the season. It was of a very personal nature .....

Creepy...

Journal,

I came home tonight to a wonderful flower arrangement, a dozen pink roses, 3 white hydrangeas, baby breath and ferns. It was from a young couple, who are neighbours, I entertained them over the weekend.

They have had a very trying year. Their first baby was born without knowing how to suck. She was hospitalized for months. Only now is she home with a feeding tube. I wanted them to have a weekend where they were waited on hand and foot and were able to recover from all the stress.

They really enjoyed themselves, they brought the baby, two dogs. They slept into 11.00 a.m Sunday morning, except for waking early for a feeding. It was the most sleep they have had in months.

She is a lovely looking girl. Perhaps one of the most beautiful women I know - inside and out.

I made her a pink murano glass necklace that looked great on her. We watched movies, went for walks on the beach. The two of them ate more of my cranberry pancakes and lemon cake - than I thought humanly possible.

He likes science, so my other friends suffered through watching "What the Bleep Do We Know" - a second time. He has read many of the books by the featured scientists. We had lively conversation.

Journal,

An up and down day, my computer picked up a bug yesterday, it took me almost five hours this morning to rid myself of the nasty pest. In the process I upended a grande starbucks coffee on my newly shampooed rug.

Blue brought me socks. Sensing I was grumpy, he robbed the laundry hamper and jumped up on my lap with a pair of workout socks in his mouth as though to say " Mom, come on, it can't be that bad, here have a sock ..."

The day improved.

We went for a nice walk tonight up to one of my favourite book stores. I took a look at the " The Happiness Hypothesis" - an excellent book.

Jonathan Haidt, points out the 3 main advantages of severe stress. 1) In rising to the occassion, we discover traits and abilities we never knew we had. It alters our self image and often improves self esteem. There is even a term for it post traumatic growth. 2) Our other relationships tend deepen as others reach out to us. This is so true. I am closer to my friends now than I have ever been. 3) Our priorities shift to a more fundamental paradigm. True again. After reflection, work is really not as important as I use to think it was. I find people now to be far more worthy of my devotion and energy.

At dharma class yesterday, there was discussion on the illusion of reality. How each of us have a very subjective understanding of the world all wrapped up in what ever story we tell ourselves. There is no "out there" objective truth really. Everything is subjective. Nor is there justification to say that my view is better or more correct than someone else's. I often wonder how Midnight views our situation, what is his story on it. I believe it could be equally valid.

I am looking forward to a quiet night of housework. Putting things in order I find calming when so much of my life is in flux and frankly a bit of a mess.

Journal,

I don't think I slept last night. I have been sitting at my desk watching the dawn rise through a big window. It is spectacular free entertainment.

Blue is disgruntled. When I don't sleep. He doesn't sleep. He likes to sleep.

It snowed last night. There is a sprinkling of white everywhere. The streets are waking up. People are starting to trundle off to work.

Earlier I was reading some of the stories posted here and GQ 11. It is disheartening. So much sadness that is so unnecessary.

Funny how we all find a reason to justify whatever it is we do. Just after Midnight told me he was in love with someone else. He complained to a friend that I had only called him three times during the week following his departure. Making it sound like I was neglecting him?

I really think he envisioned moving next door with the three of us staying friends. Cozy.

They get in this blissed out crazy state. Where nothing they say or do makes any sense at all.

Accepting that is hard. I want my world to make sense.

Journal,

Just got off the phone with Midnight, we talked for two hours. I received his visa bill and cell phone bill today. Yikes. Plus he has just joined a very very pricey club where the OW is a member. Thousands and thousands more ...

For all the world, it is like I am talking to a child. One who does not accept responsibility for their actions. In fact one who does not even acknowledge those actions. I swear, if he could blame all the spending on the dog - he would!

It is not just that he outright lies to me - it is that he is very clearly lying to himself. Some part of him knows the truth but it is very deeply buried under layers of fantasy, ego and sheer delusion.

I am going to sit down with a divorce attorney this week and hire someone to help me wind down my involvement in the company and take over when I leave.

He told me tonight that I should be dating and getting on with my life. I believe him.

Oh Paradise... when you do. Things will change. I know they will. Either you will find someone deserving of you, or Mr. Midnight will be harshly jolted from the fantasy life that he has surrounded himself in.

This goes back to DukHunter and I wanting you to "shake" things up. For you, as well.

A few posts ago, I went to bed mulling over your reflections of missing Mr. M while you tripped over his belongings. Something hit me during the night, and I've not been out of bed since to offer a hug to you.

Oh my... but whatever is going around had better keep moving to some other location. H has fed my horses, the kids have spoken to the tortoises, and the dogs keep climbing the stairs to make sure that I am still breathing.

This morning... I feel as if I may truly make it..lol

Please know, that even in moments (days!) of inability to type.. you are in my prayers... God is working on people in your life.

It just may be "you". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

PS I'll be sure to share my male tortoise findings of last week. You'll sleep better tonight knowing that not only one, but two found their way here...*grin*

Paradise,
You don't "know" me, but I stumbled on your thread awhile ago while going through my own sordid saga (WH leaving me for old high-school girlfriend).

I simply must tell you that your posts have been an inspiration for me. Your calmness, wisdom, and humor have given me a model for how to respond to the biggest trauma of my life.

You appear to be a gem, and your husband appears to be a fool. I aplogize for intruding on your thread, but I have decided that going forward in my life I will no longer be shy about offering compliments to people I admire. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best,
Hoopsie

Paradise,

I am truly sorry it has come to this point for you. I was hoping that with all of your positive thinking that sooner or later Midnight's fog would lift and your shining light would show thru like a beacon. It doesn't seem to be happening for you and I wish it were different.

Who knows , maybe heading this direction and taking these steps will make him sit up and think with a different appendage for a short time and some rationality will appear. I know it doesn't make things any easier to do but I think this is the right thing for you at this point in your life. We will be here to listen and lend an ear any time you need it.

Things for me continue to spiral downward. EX and I can no longer even speak about the kids with any civility. After asking for help last week and being turned down we exchanged some heated e-mails and now she is threatening court action because she is afraid of me and "does not know what I am capable of". If she takes this step here in Nevada I will lose many privledges I am very fond of including my rights to possess a firearm. No hearing , no trial no nothing. This would stay in place 6-8 weeks until a hearing in family court could take place and I could refute her accusations. Doesn't seem fair does it. Life is not fair so we just have to deal with the bulls*** and be ourselves and let the rest of them swirl around us.

Keep doing exactly what you have been and don't let this change a thing about you. You are a pretty special person and should never let anyone or anything change that.

Peaceful thoughts and happy times are ahead for you no matter what comes of all of this.

Hoopsie..

What a nice post to read... and so very, very true.

So sorry you are "here" as well... but glad to know that you can appreciate and share in Paradise's ways of thinking.

She is truly a blessing to so many.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

DukHunter..

Can I comment ?

Stay calm..and no more emails. Just stay away.

I have a dear friend who is a family law attorney practicing in two states. Though, he never betrays with names, we do discuss cases, as he knows my interest. What your fears rest in here would be difficult to prove, learned through a similar situation last summer with one of his cases, unless you out and out lost yourself and verbally threatened...especially since you have been seen so much publicly (bball) without incidence with the "offending" (used lightly here) parties.

If you did get animated in an email, then may I ask is a bow considered a firearm ?

A VERY big hug for you,

Eibrab

Journal,

It is a gorgeous sunny day here. I have not been productive today - just going through the motions - vertically occupying space.

A long time ago, I asked Midnight what he thought love was. He didn't reply. In fact, he huffed at me for asking a silly question.

It is not a silly question.

Love is not just a feeling. It is a decision to live in a manner which values someone else's happiness as important or more important than your own and to act accordingly, clear in that purpose and with the utmost honesty.

I love Midnight. I always have. It means I want him to be happy. If he was not happy with me - then everything else falls away.

I asked him last night - if he was unhappy before we were embroiled with the OW. The answer was no. We both agree that for 23 years we had a very happy marriage.

I asked him if he thought he will be happy going forward with his choice to explore life as a bachelor. That he didn't know, he doubts he will ever find the same connection.

My husband of 23 years was cheap (I'll be frank), unassuming as to his appearance, loving, considerate, faithful, honest, helpful, kind and quite modest.

Now he is seems the opposite in every regard, a little human land mine set to self destruct. It worries me.

Mentally, I still find myself looking for the access latch that will allow me to defuse him. In the war, my Dad lived daily with bombs for many years - setting them, defusing them. There is always a safe way to go about it. It requires a calm methodical approach - or in this case my marriage blows up. Worse yet, my husband's appealing character may be diminished - by a confused tangle of guilt, disappointment, recklessness and projected blame.

Today I started by simply telling him, I never wanted him to be unhappy. It is not what I want now. It is a sly tactic using the MB principal of 100% agreement. No one ever disagrees with you wanting them to be happy!

I have to let go of all the hurt, the recriminations, the anger, the sense of unfairness and just remember that this is still a man whom I love and want to be happy with me or without me - regardless

Dukhuntr,

Sending steamed emails is not going to help your cause. Nor in the long run does it make you feel any better, and it clearly makes her paranoid. No one benefits.

I know how angry you feel - trust me! Let it go. Just let it go. Remember and be thankful for the good times and move on to now. You're living in the past. You are addicted to your past and in the process ignoring your present and making more difficult your future.

Let it go.... Your children are too old to be manipulated by your Ex. They are still young enough where they will learn by your example.

As Eibrab says - Just stay away.... Buy shoes. Go hunting. Play golf. Take the dog for a walk. Let it go...

Cheers

PB

Eibrab,

I am so sorry you are not well. Hopefully on the mend now? Thank you for thinking of me despite being under the weather.

Sending you healthy thoughts,

Cheers,

PB

Hoopsie,

I am so sorry you are here. However, it is a good place to be given your circumstance. Sharing your experience with those who are enduring the same trauma - helps ease the pain. You are not alone, others care and most importantly understand what you are going through..

Wishing you well and happy...

PB