Paradise and Eibrab,

It's starting to sound like a choir around me these days. Like when some tune gets stuck in your head and its all you hear. My parents, my IC(who I went to again for the first time in a month), my attorney, and several of my friends all said exactly what you guys did. STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!!

I'm dense, but you think I would have learned by now. I loved her with all my heart and letting go is proving a difficult challenge. My head screams to cut every tie to her and never contact her again but I just can't seem to do it with any conviction. Dough for brains is my only excuse. IC said things about her I can't even believe in an attempt to get me to put some space between me and her. If it were up to him we would be back to public floggings I think. My friends are not even that nice. I'm just not that way about her, I still want to see her live well and be happy. I just wish she could do it where I didn't have to witness it.

Paradise, I think our respective WS's are running parallel courses now and they really have left us in their wake to sink or swim on our own. From reading your posts all of these months you are light years ahead of me of terms of being ready and capable of sailing off on your own. Happiness will find you wherever you go from here and life will be full of new places and people who make your life brighter. Just let it happen for you!!!!!!

While you are letting this happen just remember to share your perceptions and thoughts with those of us who have some catching up to do in this regard. Send some of that beacon light you have been shining on Midnight our way and help us to be as strong, self sufficient, and caring as you have been from day one.

Eibrab all you need to do is get well and be the same as always. Thoughtful, compassionate and sharing. I may need to learn to shoot a bow better too. I will be asking for your help in that area if the EX follows thru on her threats, we'll just have to wait and see how things go.

Have a good night all.

Paradise and Eibrab,

As I wrote the earlier post I kept thinking back on my e-mail to her that caused the problems. I am going to to reproduce it so you can tell me if it sounded threatening in any way. After asking her to help me re-connect with DD she responded by saying she would not help. She said I was becoming more and more like my father and doing all the things he did that I never liked. She said I was being selfish and all I cared about was myself and that was all I ever cared about. she finished by calling me a selfish bast***.

My response was as follows:

Dear EX,

Selfish is sleeping with two men one after the other and only telling the one not supporting you.

Selfish is doing this for eight months and never feeling guilty enough to either stop or to leave our home on your own.

Selfish is letting the kids and I nurse you thru your surgery and rehab for eight weeks and then repaying us by sneaking off to F*** OM.

Name calling is not very becoming on you and it is the first time since D-Day you have resorted to this. I have too much respect for you and our years together to go there with you. Go back to doing what you have proven you do best, lying and adultery.

Duk


Well, I know I didn't need to say all of this again but it sure felt good when I sent it. Be honest and throw any 2x4 you think necessary, I deserve it.

DukHunter...


I had a bad day yesterday, too. Saw the OW at a distance, almost needed binoculars to do so.. and the old feelings came back.

Maybe I was just exhausted from being ill. I don't like the feeling that comes over me at those times. Dare I admit that it's almost a loathing or hatred. I never thought myself capable of that. I have never approached or bothered this woman.

Sometimes I wish I would have. Just once. Maybe these feelings wouldn't linger... I think this is you, too. It lingers because you just want to throw some dirty "punches".. Not physically, but dish it out as well.

Boy, do I understand...but where do we go from here that makes us any better of a person than they are if we act that way?

Paradise and her words of wisdom... how easy it would be to turn off this computer and think her to be fictional. How can anyone handle themselves with such grace and honor at such times? Even the dog has barked and growled at bookstore "triggers", for pete's sake..

Yet here remains a person hurt such as we have been, and not allowing herself to be held captive to the extent of the outside world that we are. I said once before, that possibly God is using her to heal many.

So no more communication. Let her initiate any, and just be short and sweet in response. It'll make you laugh hanging up the phone or signing off the email to know that she will be left wondering what is up. Enjoy that.

And the target shooting will suffer for my past few days and loss of strength. I did, however, order a new Mathews Switchback XT with black limbs.... they couldn't get it in pink.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your email was a dig.. but not a threat... I'd think you were fine, though the absence of a law degree on my wall shouldn't give you total faith here..

I hope today is good.

Eibrab

Today, I will live by those words. No visions of another woman will enter my mind in any negative fashion except to critique an outfit or her outlandish clothing sense.

While I was not feeling well, a new Mexican couple moved into the barn apartment with their infant. It's a precious thing. I have stayed at a distance yesterday for health's sake. The mother does not speak any English at all.

Today, I am going after the coziest looking sleeper that I saw a week or so ago in the nicest shade of yellow. We're going to help this new one adjust to life up North. In the past, the children of workers would follow me around most of the day. We taught each other so much. I heard the new baby's cries from down in the barn last night.. and I wonder what the lessons here are.

Today I will thank God that new babies are such a blessing to so many, in many different ways.

Thank you for the mantra, Paradise.

Eibrab

Paradise --

After reading Hoopsie's post, I am compelled to write also. I, too, have been reading your posts all along. Many times I have wanted to post to you, but frankly, did not want to change the flow of the conversation with my ramblings.

Paradise, I hope that you know what an inspiration you are to many, many people. Hoopsie and I are just a very small fraction of those who are inspired by you.

Your postings bring me such a feeling of calm. As I am sure they do to many of the readers here.

Please by comforted by the fact that your writings have reached the hearts and souls of many wounded people. I simply can not compliment you enough to say what an impact you have had on my life and I am certain, many others.

I can only speak for myself, and I have wanted for so long to let you know what joy and inspiration you are.

P.S. Hi Dukhuntr - I think you are terrific too !!!

Sincerely, Carnation

Journal,

It is late.

I went out for Thai food with three girlfriends tonight. Later we went to a concert, latin jazz. It was fabulous.

The place was packed - standing room only. People danced where they stood.

The warm up group was african. One of the band members lost his entire family and many of his friends in the Rwandan genocide. It happened 12 years ago tonight. He looked out at the audience and quietly talked about it. How the world watched and stood by while millions were slaughtered with machetes.

He played a long sad solo on sax - then changed the beat and asked people to stand, dance and remember life was precious and meant to be celebrated. What more fitting response to senseless barbery? Every person in that hall danced like they meant it.

Earlier in the day, my hairdresser who is Iranian told me she is flying home this weekend. She had to buy a special kerchief to wear or she wouldn't be able to get off the plane. It has to cover her foreheard.

An 18 year old girl recently died in her homeland. She was wearing her kerchief too far off her face. When told to adjust it she just shrugged at the police officer and walked away ignoring him. He shot her dead.

I wonder at human cruelty.

Blue is complaining loudly, I have been out tonight. Returned to take him only for a short walk and now he wants attention.

He is sitting by my side - whining so loudly it is an out and out wail "YOU MIGHT HAVE HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT BUT I SAT HERE BY MYSELF - BORED - NOW I WANT TO PLAY BED BUG! (I roll him up in the duvet and tickle his stomach. He jumps and prances around blind under the covers - barking - to culminate in a furious dig.)

NOW MOMMY!

I will be back....

Hi Carnation2,

I am sorry you are here. Sharing your thoughts and experiences I think can help heal the wound.

I find the journaling clears my mind - settles my emotions. I can track my progress and it soothes the pain.

Wishing you happy and well...

PB

Eibrab,

You should try writing down your angry thoughts about the OW.

I sometimes start a post by writing an angry sentence. Then I look at it. Know that it is wrong. Erase it. The process seems to take it away.

I do the same thing at the beach in a way. I stand and watch the waves and try to let them wash the anger out of me. I always feel better for it.

I read a quote funnily enough by Winston Churchill today:
" We make a living by getting things, we make a life by giving them".

I am mad at Midnight because I gave him so much and in turn he has hurt me deeply.

The rub of course is that it is not really giving if you have expectations. Winston's right, by giving I created a great life that I enjoyed and shared for a long time.

It was in no way a waste. It was not unfair. It was my choice and a smart one at that.

Write down your angry thoughts. Then crumble them up and throw them away - maybe even watch them burn. It will lighten your heart.

Cheers,

PB

Paradise...

Thank you.

It is a such a good feeling to find those who understand... not only our difficulties, but who we are. I am grateful.

I found something on General Questions II here entitled "For when you have a bad day" by ForeverHers... I hope you have a moment to go there.

I know this must have been written with you in mind.

Please play with the dog tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Blessings,

Eibrab

Eibrab,

That was such a lovely post by ForeverHers, I pasted it here....

Thank you...

PB

ForeverHers
Member


Reged: 05/01/02
Posts: 4729
Timely story for days when things seem bleak
#541219 - 09/06/02 07:25 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



A daily inspirational message I thought some of you might enjoy as much as I did. And thanks to those who have been "through it" and are still around helping others.

Love Island
============

Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings
lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others,
including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island
was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
So all the feelings prepared their boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve
the island paradise until the last possible moment.

When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was
time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked,
"Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and
gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a
beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please."
"I can't help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will
damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, "Sadness, please
let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I
just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please
take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he
didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love,
I will take you with me." It was an elder.

Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the
elder his name.

When they arrived on land the elder went on his way.
Love realized how much she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked,
"Who was it that helped me?"

"It was Time", Knowledge answered.

"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

Author Unknown

Have a GREAT day. You owe it to yourself!

Journal,

Life just flowed this weekend. I made no plans and I couldn't have planned it better. The phone just kept ringing. Timing and logistics worked perfectly.

Jane Austen once said "Friendship is life's finest cure for disappointment in love." As I stood beside a very dear friend, watching a fashion show today, I smiled in agreement.

My friends are a great blessing.

There were children in the show - four tots around five years old. One was a cute little asian girl with big eyes and waist length hair. Her Granddad, (I suspect) sat front row centre and would clap and grin ear to ear - whenver they announced that children's wear was next.

He was blind.

His grand daughter fell carrying a big plastic ice cream cone. She hit her chin. It must have hurt. Emotions ran across her face, the urge to cry, momentary panic. Her eyes flew to her grand dad, he was sitting perfectly still - a smiling beacon of love and pride.

She quickly got up and walking like a little queen, caught up to the other tots. Coming back down the runway, just as she was about to exit the stage with her back to the audience - she put the troublesome ice cream cone on her head and did the cutest little wiggle walk I have ever seen.

I was so sorry her grand dad missed it. Then maybe he didn't.

Love lets us see. Who we are. What we are. It shows our heart what our minds hide from it. That we are all pretty much the same, different appendages of one thing - irrefutably connected.

There is a wonderful blurb in the beginning of "Love Actually" that talks about love being all around. That when the twin towers were attacked - there were no calls of revenge or hate. They were all of love. When you have minutes to live you think only of those you love with love.

Yet when we think we have the rest of our lives... we waste it with anger, jealousy, hate, .... boy what a waste of time.

Midnight always thought one of my most appealing traits was that I could never hold onto anger. I would find it too tiring and would have to let it go.

He would get me mad and then vacate, happy in the knowledge that when he came back two hours later I would have forgotten about it and be happily engrossed in something else.

The anger is what I find the hardest to deal with. I have never been this angry for so long in my life. It is tiring. It makes my mind heavy.

Blue is whining again, pawing me ... saying "Let's play the slipper game tonight." (Take two sloppered up slippers. Toss them simultaneously. He grabs one, I grab the other. He lets go of the one he has and goes for the one I have. I drop mine and grab the one being neglected...) It is a circular kind of game - much like life!

Journal,

We had a peaceful day. I took Blue to the beach. We went to see Mom, took her clothes shopping. This is usually fun. Mom and I wear the same size shoe and fit the same size clothing. We like the same things. Often deciding to switch purchases at the cash. "No you take the pink. I'll take the coral." Blue is a patient shopper. He sits quietly offering no opinions.

I bought crop jeans by Simon Chang - they have embroidery down one side - a peacock, flowers, birds -very spiffy. Mom bought Ralph Lauren cotton tops and fancy underwear (bright pink).

Then we went to lunch. Sipping on a milkshake, I lisen. She talks. She is 81 and trying to look 71. I am 51 and trying to look 41. We laugh. It is all relative.

She is still saving money for when she gets really old!

She has no intention of going in a nursing home. She plans on dying in her own bed. She says Dad is with her alot. She feels him near.

I have been really missing him. It has been five months.

My scottish friend was at the beach with his fourteen year old dog Flo - she is a Briard. A very old breed that came to France with the monguls in the 11th century.

Flo has cancer - tumors. His wife died not too long ago. Now he is faced with having to put down his dog. He can't do it. She has trouble getting up once she lies down. He lifts her hind end up tenderly.

Eventually she won't be able to walk.

She always smiles at me knowing I carry fab treats - chunks of freeze dried beef liver - puppy crack! I give her a couple. She inhales them and grins. Blue frowns, and start barking/complaining so vigoruously - I have to move on. "Boy Mom why do you have to give away my treats!"

It is quiet here. Blue has had dinner - beef soup over kibble. I have had dinner - a bowl of fresh rasperries with whipped cream. The day is winding down.

I have been trying hard to live in the moment. When you do, there are always lessons to be had. Walking on the beach this morning, I was thinking I could learn alot from that five year old tot yesterday. How to take a fall. Look to love for support, then find a way to make the whole thing funny. She was a very smart little girl.

There is a wonderful blurb in the beginning of "Love Actually" that talks about love being all around. That when the twin towers were attacked - there were no calls of revenge or hate. They were all of love. When you have minutes to live you think only of those you love with love.

[/quote]

Wow, Paradise.... Only you could put such a good spin on this. I have not ever heard this mentioned in this way. Thank you so very much for sharing this...

Once again you have brought calm to a storm... it is really no surprise that your phone rings off the hook !!

Dear God, Thank you so much for sending your angel, Paradise, to MB to show us the way...

Carnation

Evening Ladies,

Sorry it's been a while since I checked in, I had a big weekend. Golf,two fundraising dinners for different species of wildlife and a trip to the duck club to clean my boat, the garage and all manner of offseason to-do's. I'm beat!!!!

Paradise, your last couple of posts are the first time I can remember you ever saying you were angry with Midnight. I hope you are realizing this yourself and are making the effort NOT TO GO THERE!!! It has taken you months to talk me out of this realm and believe me it does not help in any way and will become obsessive if you let it. I really disliked her, hated the OM and was loathing myself by the time you and the IC started to break me out of my self pity and anger fest. Don't give up all the wonderful optimism and positive thinking you have been living on the past year. All of us who read your posts see the wisdom and plain old common sense of your thinking. Especially when compared to our scattered and downright muddled thoughts. Get back into the Dharma and Greg class, see the Wally Llama or whatever you need to do to stop doing this to yourself. Midnight is the confused and self damaging individual not you.

We need the Paradise we have listened to and admired for so long to continue to be our vision of what we as BS's should be. Strong, self confident and independent, patient, understanding, and most of all forgiving. You can't really say you have forgiven if you are angry can you? Believe in you own post when you said "all of the anger, jealousy and hate is a huge waste of time".

Carnation, it's hard to ever tell someone we're glad to have you here with us but you seem fit in with our little group just fine. I for one enjoy your posts and thoughts. Especially your appreciation for Paradise, she is something quite special to all of us. Join in and bounce whatever you want off of us. Nothing is sacred or out of bounds here.

Eibrab, I hope you are completely well by now. Seems like every year the newest form of flu bug is harder to shake than the last. Feeling sick only makes dealing with emotions that much harder and drops your patience level to next to nothing. I will be sending healthy thoughts your way and sending a breath of cold air with it to fog your binocular vision. Maybe you will miss the OW next time and save yourself the grief.

Life is taking some funny turns these days for me. I ran into the Huntress I was dating on Friday night at the Bighorn Sheep dinner. All she could do was apologize over and over for not calling me. She said she didn't want to involve me in all the drama she has had in her life recently. Her mother passed away, she found out she was allergic to a medicine she was on and all manner of garbage in her life. She said all was good now and wanted to see me again and planted a big kiss on me out of nowhere. After regaining what was left of my composure, I sputtered out whenever and she ran off. Today the lady who owns the house cleaning company I have started using called and set me up on a blind date with her friend for tomorrow night. I'm petrified!!! I barely know this woman let alone anything about her friend.

What is starting to sink in for me is that if someone who barely knows me feels good enough about me to set her friend up with me, I can't be as hopeless as I see myself. Plus someone I had writtten off as not interested really just didn't want me to get dragged down by her issues. Not a big thing, just something to make me feel a little better about myself. That is always a good thing!

Have a great evening all!

P.S.- No visit from the local sheriff yet so maybe EX was was only firing a warning shot across my bow this time! Not going to do anyting ever again to give her a reason to look to the courts for a way to hurt me.

Journal,

I think my good humor is returning.

My Mom called me today to complain that her new underwear didn't look right under the tops she bought. She wants me to take her out next weekend so she can buy "you know some of those special inserts that improve your cleavage!" I was at lunch with someone and after I had hung up, I was overwhelmed with helpless giggling.

I couldn't stop laughing and I couldn't explain why I was laughing. I can't tell a business associate that my Mom wants me to take her shopping for falsies. I just looked at him and eventually choked out - "family joke".

You can think of me sometime next weekend, trailing after my 81 year old Mom while she searches for breast enhancing padding!

This has been a recurrent theme in her life. In her late teens she won a beauty contest in our town, but lost the title after it was discovered she had stuffed her bra with Kleenex. She never forgave the girl who snitched on her.

It is a little known family scandal. If she ever knew I was writing this type of personal information down on an internet site, she would box my ears with her walker!

Life can be so funny sometimes.

On the way back from the beach this morning I stopped to get gas. I had pulled up to the pump and I was just about to get out, when a big Mac Truck pulled right up to my front bumper. I looked up at the driver, then back and realized if I backed up it would allow him to pull into the first set of pumps. I could use the second set.

Obligingly I backed up and he moved forward. He kept moving forward so I kept backing up. When I stopped and jumped out I had moved back too far and the hose wouldn't reach. He was still not close enough to the center diesal pump that he needed.

I looked at him. I looked around there was no where else for me to back into. So I jumped back into he car and started to inch forward again.

He didn't budge.

I beamed good will and humor at him, with a melting smile made just a little bit sign with my hands, followed by a scooting motion.

He covered his face. His truck mate started to laugh. Eventually he peeked at me through two fingers and put it into reverse backing up several feet.

From a distance I bet it would have looked like my shiny little car was pushing his huge truck.

With no wasted motion, I gased up, paid at the pump, and vroomed off with a wave.

Your attitude affects everyone around you. If I hadn't cajoled him into seeing the humor in our situation - he would have lost the opportunity for a smile. In fact it could have led to rude words.

Smiles are so much better than rude words.

Hi Dukhuntr,

Meeting your huntress at a big horn sheep do; it sounds so you! Throw in the big sloppy kiss and you are on safari boy!

She is a hard to catch prize, wiley, oft misunderstood and formidable when cornered.

The kind of animal you have to understand intimately before you can get close enough to bag them and ever be able to mount them ....err on your wall of course.

It is a skillful exercise in observation, tactics and patience! You have many resources, a life time of hunting expertise, razor sharp instincts - she is as good as yours.

Sweet dreams...

PB

Wow Paradise!

Was it the Dharma and Greg line or the Wally Llama that set off your sense of humor tonight? Whatever it was it worked! I'm glad to see both the humor and the slight hint of sarcasm. You spirits are returning in bundles.

Bagging and mounting are way down the list for me in my priorities for now. I would much prefer to to feel safe in trusting someone outside my circle of friends and family first. Bagging and mounting will have to wait a while. Doesn't mean I won't be refining my skills as a "hunter". Just means I will be practicing catch and release for a good while longer. Observation and listening will be my weapons of choice in this hunt. Skills I seem to have let atropy for too long and not practiced enough as of late. That and learning when to keep my big mouth shut at the appropriate times.

I hope you can sense how much we all think of you and how much we wish only the best for you. Take care of yourself and your mother, you deserve to be happy, it will come to you if and when you let it happen.

Dukhuntr ~~ Thanks for the warm welcome. I will only post if I feel I have something to contribute. I could never add more than I get here ~~~ never.

Once again, I walk away from JFO a wiser person.... *your attitude affects everyone around you* -- PB, I am a couple of years older than you, but have so far to go to reach you, I do feel that I am getting closer.....

carnation

Journal,

I am prograstinating. I have many things I should be doing; my Dad's taxes, my taxes, sorting out my kitchen cupboards overfull of condiments - the leftovers of my winter entertainng - huge scads of company paper work.

I feel like doing none of it.

I have spent the last four hours trailing around with my designer friend looking at hardwood flooring, kitchen cabinet resurfacing, light fixtures and granite countertops.

We have poured over her new floor plan for my space -looked at paint chips, window treatments. There are myriad of decisions and expenditures that I feel too befuddled to deal with right now.

I have more work to do - in untangling my finances from Midnight's before I want to undertake any big ticket spending.

However, you go no where without a plan. We now have a plan - a new look that over some months or perhaps even a year or two - will eventually materialize.

She is a strict task master. I have a schedule of things to get done. She has a file on my home, full of articles, clippings, pictures, notes from conversations.

I feel like a pet project. I am a pet project. She can't single handedly heal my heart but she can and will make sure, should I choose to be miserable, it will be in a very stylish setting!

Friends are wonderful.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been pondering the power of planning. My friend walked me through exactly how great my home could look if I was willing to go to the effort, expense and inconvience necessary to get there. She is an expert, who with very little apparent effort pulled together a look I would never have achieved on my own.

I like knowing the potential of things. You realize you have a choice. You can live like this or you can after some months of chaos live like that.

I have been seriously thinking about hiring a life coach. They are a combination of cheering section, strategist, psychologist and friend - who help you come up with a plan to discover the potential in your life - to realize your choices.

Every life has enormous potential - mine included.

I need to make some decisions. What am I am going to do with the next five years of my life? Where will I live? What will I work at? What will be my key goals? How long will I wait for Midnight?

Sometimes when I read some of the posts in the forty sixty forum - I get cranky. There are many many nice women, who abandoned by their MLC hubbies aren't really living their lives. Lonely and sad, they are not really trying.

Trying is so important - it means you plan, you discover potential, you delineate choices, you appreciate the precious nature of this living, breathing, moment.

Paradise, do you post at the forty six ? Sounds like those gals could well use some of your calmness and wisdom.

I have read some of those posts too, and agree with you on the tone over there.

Perhaps they need another outlook on their lives. We are very fortunate here on MB for all the excellent advice we get. Sets the tone and gives a plan, direction ~~ hope.

Sounds like they need some of the same over on forty six. If you are up to it ~~~ they would benefit greatly from you posting...

I personally think that redoing your place would be a great way to *own it*. Make it new -- like the new you. Just a sugestion, dear.

Carnation