Hello Paradise,

I like the analogy, it fits the feeling and the emotional state of turnng the corner on a new life. It is hard, but you know what, new relationships and shared experiences will fill the hourglass faster than anything else. Not just romantic relationships, everything- new people, new places, and most of all rediscovery of the joy in simple things done with old friends.

You have weathered the hardest part, the withdrawal from the comfort of the old relationship with Midnight. Yes we both would rather it be different, but it's not our choice yet. And I say yet because I believe we both will face that decision sooner or later with our wayward souls. Now is the time for you to live like you mean it. Carry youself upright, confident and self assured just as your new role model and lookalike(HA!) Winston always did. You have so much going for you, it would be criminal not to share that wisdom, friendship, and good nature as much as possible.

Besides it sounds to me like Blue has figured this out already and is scouting out the field for you. Follow his lead and let him guide you to some new friends and a happier life.


Have a nice evening and dream of the future tonight!

I'm sorry if I'm intruding, you all seem to know each other well. I was initially intrigued by the title of overcoming the pain. I am invariably caught between pain too overwhelming to contemplate or rage too seething to diffuse.

I am grateful for all of you sharing your stories of survival to the moment and having the strength to overcome what surely must be the most difficult of circumstances. Even the day to day discussion is elevating my outlook on the future for me and my WH.

I hope and pray I will arrive someday somewhere close to where you all seem to be. Thank you for sharing.

Hi APL,

I am sorry you are here. Luckily you are in excellent company amidst a little group of souls who well understand just how hard it is to deal with the hurt and harder still to deal with the anger.

I am working on Midnight's paperwork, tax stuff and the like.. it is not putting me in a very happy mood as I can well imagine what he is doing as I write this.

Alas, it has to get done. Blue has just had beef stew over kibble, his teeth brushed and a shower. He is in fine fiddle running around scattering my piles of paper that were neatly stacked around my desk.

Saying come on Mom "Let's play." Hopefully I will be back in better humor.

Wishing you well and happy...

PB

PB- thanks so much for the encouragement, it is direly needed at the moment.

Is it normal to want to rip his b***s off at the same time he is romping around the house with the kids like nothing ever happened? He doesn't want to talk about it anymore, wants to move onto "more positive things- don't dwell on the negative". Piece of cake right?

I think I want a dog, at least they're loyal. I'm so angry with him that he has placed me in a situation where I can only see blackness. I have lost my positive light, my laugh, my lightness in life. I can't stand the negative person I am, yet continue to torment myself with negative thoughts.

You all talk about 1yr, 2yrs, 5yrs after how is it possible to breathe for as long as that with this pain? I just want to feel safe again. I am so sad.

Journal,

It is really windy here tonight. My office windows are rattling. I have been really productive. It feels good.

To disengage my finances from Midnight's involves weeks of work, I find now I am in the mood to get it done.

I plan to go to France in late September with my brother, I want to sit down on that plane and know - my separation agreement is signed, my involvement in the company has been completely wound down, my home is fluffed and my next career move finalized. All things that take time, thought and steady effort.

Sorting through paper today, I found birthday cards from Midnight, he usually signed them "I will always love you". He will always love me. Just not enough to make it faithfully through a life time.

Adapting to change has pluses and minuses. Sometimes it is lonely. Blue is great company but he doesn't talk much. He does however appear to like everything I like. An ideal trait in a male companion.

For example, we both like:

hotdogs; long walks in all kinds of weather; swimming; sunrises and sunsets on the beach; running; hiking; canoeing; dogs; spending time with friends and family; road trips, playing a wide variety doggie games and dining out (he never brings his wallet)!

apl,

The anger is much harder to get rid of than anything else I think. Writing a journal helps - I find when I write down angry thoughts - I see them for what they are - out of perspective confusion.

Easy to say - let it go - hard to do. I spent alot of time watching waves willing it to be washed away. It seems to come back regularly.

Being angry is natural. Staying angry, nuturing the anger all the while knowing it diminishes you, lays waste to your enjoyment in living - is your choice. Very much your choice - you cannot lay it at his door. Once that thought is really in your head - and you truly know you are the one responsible for how you feel. Letting go becomes easier.

Also no marriage is perfect, you cannot take a spouse's infidelity personally. It is not about you. It is about him.

I found when I really stopped taking Midnight's desire to romp - personally - I was less angry.

He has issues that have resulted in big amounts of messy change in my life.

Life by definition is messy...

Wishing you well and happy

PB

Journal,

I made no plans for this weekend - thinking I would need it to work on paper work. It has been lonely. I am usually out right now - with people.

I wrote five paragraphs I just deleted. Journal entries are theraputic for me - my goodness they must be boring to read for others!

Blue is having a big dig on the marble in my foyer. Once I put hardwood down this will not be encouraged. He looks really cute when he is digging. Balanced on his hind legs splayed wide, front paws just a blur and his head and ears bobbling side to side. Happy energy.

He has had a good day. A early morning walk out for coffee, a leisurely visit in our favourite bookstore. Home to work and clean, (fresh sheets tonight!) - then a long walk in steady rain to the beach and back. Sadly a shower, and happily dinner - frenched pork loin over kibble. I had mine with braised vegetables and home made bread. Then a nap in bed back to back with Mom - while she read.

I am careful not to mention the "bath" word when we are in the elevator on our way up to the suite. Off lead by that time, he has on occasion decided not to get out. Looking gleefully at me as the doors close and my voice rises with panic. "I'll show you who is having a bath!"

Now he is curled under the desk. There is a chocolate cake in the oven. That might mean company and he is clearly keeping an ear out. It doesn't actually. I've just had the urge to bake.

I have made myself do things I enjoy today. I have been feeling whiney. At the beach this afternoon, I told a friend I have not seen for a year - my sad tale. He put his arm around me. Just the physical gesture of comforting, almost made me cry. Yikes!

Baking is better than whining. There is the familar routine of all the little steps, measuring, mixing - then the smells - and you get to eat it!

Apl ~~ So sorry you are here dear, but you have certainly done yourself a big favor by finding this place. Please read all of Paradise's posts.

They will calm you and put you in a better place.

Sending my very best to you,

carnation

Anger ~~ my thoughts on this... I have come to believe that for me, anger is a true waste of energy.

The best example of what I am talking about is perhaps you know an old lady (just using this as an example, but I have come across this often) who is holding a life-long grudge against someone. I mean - she hates this person. This anger has made her bitter. For whatever thing this other person did to her YEARS ago, she has harbored intense anger for this person. Basically now this woman's life is shrouded in anger and hate.

Well, most often - the person she hates so much -- has not a clue the lady even hates her !! She is going about her life just la de da fine.. not a care about this woman at all. This woman has no anger.. has long ago forgotten about the tiff or whatever..

Does this make any sense ? Not to minimize hurt. Oh I feel hurt, sad, pain, lonely, etc.. but I just feel that anger is worthless to me.

I don't believe in anger... and I certainly do not believe in getting even... God can do a much better job of evening it all out than I can... ya know ??

Sorry, just my thoughts on anger... hope it helped a little.

Carnation2,

You are spot on. It is a waste of time, energy, mood. Even when grossly provoked - you are the one who ends up smaller and nastier.

There are few negative consequences for the object of your anger. Most of the time either they don't care or they are not aware of it really. They have moved on.

Wishing you well, happy and not angry!

PB

Journal,

I am home on a very rainy night, lisening to Cesaria Evora. She has a wonderful voice. She was an abused battered wife who ended up on the streets in Portugal. Someone who knew her as a young girl asked her if she could still sing. Now she is a world music sensation! Life is magical sometimes.

I took my Mom out today. We shopped for her figure enhancing padding and didn't really find what she was looking for. Then we enjoyed a nice leisurely lunch, did alittle grocery shopping and I drove her home.

She likes to get out. She dresses up for it. It is her big outing of the week. She can never believe how fast the afternoon passes. " My goodness is it really that time!"

The dog and I made it to the beach twice today - in intense rain and fog. He got in a fight. It was my fault. I had left his seat belt loop on his harness. A very big reprobate sheppard couldn't resist grabing it and hauling him around this way and that way before I could finally get to him.

The sheppard lives to be a bad dog. There is a devil dog glint in his eye. He bullys, steals toys, runs away when being called and humps anything breathing.

His brother lives to be a good dog and spends every day all day constantly berating him for his behaviour. "Dad! Look at what he is doing now." He runs interference.. nipping at his hind quarters when he misbehaves. "Stop that right now. You know you shouldn't be doing that." They are constantly rolling around growling, barking - trying to sort out who is boss. It is captivating - good and bad at play.

Blue scolded me several times shortly after saying "Really Mom! Dressing me up so some big bumpfus can drag me around like a pull toy! How embarassing!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We have a quiet night planned ... tax time is so much fun!

Driving home I had toyed with the idea of going to a drive-in with Blue. He enjoys them - there is usually a little doggie play session on the grass before the movies start.

I took Midnight to his first drive in. We borrowed his father's caddy. I eyed the big bench seat with a wicked smile.

Midnight thank you very much just wanted to watch the movie. He thought the admission price expensive and didn't want to waste it! He fidgeted the whole night trying to get the sound just right!

I can still remember sitting there looking at his profile reflected in the flickering light - thinking him perhaps not the sharpest tool in the drawer. Then I by accident dropped my wallet in one of the trash cans on a popcorn run. He upended, sorted and neatly put back some five cans before we found it - WITHOUT COMPLAINING! So very sweet...

Hey Paradise,

What a smelly and almost evil way to test Midnight. I'm glad it worked for you, having to do that yourself could have been embarassing to say the least! I think my "blind date" is doing the same kind of thing to me right now. Either that or she is just kinda absent minded.

She asked me last week to have lunch with her today at Lake Tahoe. She had a place in mind and was going to surprise me and buy me a lunch to remember. Then later in the week she asked for a rain check because she is the GM for a new spa here in town and needed to work all weekend on getting it ready to open tomorrow. I just talked to her and she said she took the whole day off to visit family, clean and do laundry. No mention of the rain check. She told me she liked persistence in a man and one that went after what he wanted during one of our first dates. Is this her way of testing me? To see if I will be persistent and chase after her?

Or do you think it's just an easy way to say "just not interested"? I do like her but I'm not going to chase after her like a lost puppy. I'm past believing you can make someone want to be with you at this point. With everyone's help and especially your's, I like being in control of my life and what I do. I would love to share the rest of my life with someone special, but I want to feel confident that person wants to be with me also. Having to pursue a relationship just doesn't feel right in that sense. Either it's there or it's not. I'm beginning to see that it may take a long time to find the right woman for dukhuntr.

In the mean time I have been spoiling my Lab Jaime badly. She sits next to me during meals and "talks" to Dad whenever tidbits are not doled out fast enough. Lab's have a huge vocabulary if you take the time to listen. I have "feed me", "lets play", "i gotta go" and "someone's here" down pat. There are others that seem to have different meanings all the time but I just need to listen closer I think. There's a meaning in her fake sneezes too, I think, and I am paying close attention to find out what those mean. Right now I think it means "I smell where you have been and I don't like it". Usually after a night out or after being around another dog. All I know is it means an awful lot to me when I come home every day and somebody gets really excited to see me! Even if her first action every time is to nose open the cubbard where the dog cookies reside. Her next move is always to cozy up close and demand all of my attention for a few minutes.

Have a great week!

Journal,

I just awoke from a nightmare. It was horrible.

I dreamt that it was next winter and I was up at the chalet getting ready to clean and stock it up for the season.

(Midnight and I have agreed that he will find a new place next year).

My OW1 walked out of our master bedroom. She had moved into it with some other guy.

I was beside myself. I asked her to leave. She protested saying Midnight had rented it to her for the season. Their stuff was already unpacked. She had a key.

I asked her why she would even want to be there. "She said but I always really liked you. You made me feel good about things." Yikes!

I persisted in telling her she had to go. Eventually she did huff out of the place... sad embarrassed other man in tow.

Using my cell I dialed Midnight's number - ready to blast him - unfortunately I was crying so hard I couldn't talk - I could only hiccup - I had to hang up before he answered.

I so seldom remember my dreams. They have to be intensely intolerable before my unconscious shunts me awake. I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Bathed in warm morning sunlight, sitting at my desk with a nice cup of coffee, home made bread toasted with stem ginger marmalade and my work for the day spread out around me - it seems almost funny now.

We are off to the beach... to dream no more!

Wow, you guys really know how to put it in perspective! Thank you so much for sharing, you have no idea how much lighter you have made my load.

I will try to write rather than rant and see if that is successful at dispacing the anger. The hurt and the sadness, I'm afriad, may be more difficult to deal with. I draw so much encouragement from reading your stories and realizing that other people have persevered in similar situations to mine.

Thank again and please continue to pass on any thoughts you feel may be helpful.

I will try to remain open and optomistic.

apl,

All it takes is time! Grant youself permission to have good days and bad days, there will be plenty of both in your future. Sometime soon, near the end of a normal day, you will realize that you haven't thought about the A or it's aftermath all day. It takes a long while for this to happen but it will. When it does try to embrace the feeling and not feel guilty about it. The first time it happened to me I felt guilt, like I no longer cared about what had happened to my M or my family. That is what I call BS(not betrayed spouse) mentality and nothing could be farther from the truth.

What is happening is you have started to accept that you cannot control your WS. Accepting that you can't control those closest to you allows you to dump the anger and hurt that causes all the sadness. All you can control is yourself. Control your own thoughts and emotions as best you can. Paradise is usually the master of this and is what I consider a role model for all of us to emulate. Not even Paradise is capable of doing this all the time so do the best you can and every day will get a little better.

All you have to do to see this in real life is start at the beginning of this thread and follow our progress over the past months. You too will be more confident and happier if you give yourself the time and patience to try.

Have a wonderful evening!

Paradise,

Dreams can be bizzare can't they! I had a similar one a few months ago that scared me a little because I woke up enraged and angry.

My son and his friends were at the house that night having a few beers and goofing off. I was exhausted from work and went to bed early and spent quite a while trying to sleep thru their horseplay and the noise they were making. Somewhere in there I fell into a deep sleep and in the dream I was still in bed that night and annoyed by the noise when in walks the EX and she shakes me awake. All I could think was why the He!! would the kids let her in! I don't even remember her saying anything in the dream, all I could think of was to find out who let her in. I woke up and found myself already sitting upright in bed fists clenched and jaw set for battle. Shook me up so bad I ended up going out and having a few beers myself. The kids could see it on my face too, they kept giving me another beer every time I got close to finishing the last.

I haven't had anything even close to similar since thank goodness. I think it just goes to show how deep the cut of an A is to your psyche. In your case I see it as your psyche showing itself in full force. I remember when you told me about waiting on the OW at the cabin. Don't be hard on yourself over this, can you imagine what the OW's thoughts are everytime she thinks about what she has put you through. I'm sure even she has to feel the pangs of some huge guilt over how cordial and polite you were.

Hi Dukhuntr,

You sound good tonight. Relaxed even chilled - you have come a long way.

I wouldn't fuss about the free lunch then the no free lunch thing. Women often are preoccupied. She probably just forgot.

I think the trick is to not be a wounded soul - but someone who is genuinely fun to be around, who makes her laugh, feel good about herself and life in general. When you can do that for the women you date - second guessing your success - will be redundant.

It was a run around busy day. Work, beach twice, quick grocery shopping, dharma class and a vet appointment for Blue.

He has an infection on his paw. He is one smart know it all dog. I was sneaky and I parked well out of view of the vet's building. He still wouldn't get out of the car. I had to dig him out of the back seat and carry him in.

Now I am home, I have made turkey soup for Blue. Given him an enormous pill and I am about to give his paw an epsom bath.

Sweet dreams...tonight I am going to make sure I have a good dream - shoe shopping in Paris or kite boarding in Aruba! No OW!!!!!in my bedroom please!

PB

Good morning all.

Please let me take the liberty to ask you all that if you get a chance to go over to Emotional Needs section, I have posted a question that I would so like you to read it, if you have the time, and help me with my problem.

Your wisdom and outlooks mean so much to me and if you are able to post a quick reply to my question ~~ it would so be appreciated.

I am sorry if I am out of bounds here. But this issue is really troubling me and I need all the advice that I can get. Please do not feel obligated in any way to do this ~~ I will understand.

Thanks so much, carnation

Hi Everyone,

Had an email from my MB friend Godhelpme2 and asked if I still wrote with all of you...Gave me thought to check on you as you are still in my prayers.

My H and I are still doing well. He has almost completed his paramedic classes and will be riding along with another paramedic who will critic him for a time. I am still working hard on my little business.

My girlfriend called me last Saturday, we talked for almost 3 hours about her marriage and about an incident that had occurred where she no longer trusts her H. I have known her for almost 7 years and this is the very first time she has ever opened up to me. She wonders how I became so wise in the "relationship...not just friends" area. I had never talked to her about my H and myself's past history...yet. Sooooo, I suggested this website.

She and her H have been married for 15 years and live basically like two single, married people. Her H lives during the week in one house approx 1.5 hours away and comes home on weekends. I told him today that perhaps they need to make some "life choices". He is a very hard working man and will do anything to make her happy, even at his own expense. He doesn't like conflict, whereby he doesn't question her decisions etc.

I wonder if he does this so he can feel "entitled" to do as he pleases on the days he is not with her.
Please say a little prayer.

I miss you very much. PB you still write so eliquently...

Peace,

holiday

Hi Holiday!

It's good to hear from you even if its because of somone else's problems. You sound good. I am doing quite well (I think). Funny you checked in, my friends from Las Vegas will be up here on Thursday for a volleyball tourney. I am housing half a high school girls team in my home. It should prove interesting to say the least! Forget sleep this weekend.

Your friend doesn't know how lucky she is to have you to help her thru this. All you have to do now is get her hooked up with Paradise for the spiritual and intellectual side and she's set. Couldn't be in better hands!

I miss bouncing things off of you and just reading your posts in general. Good people like you are hard to find and a pleasure to know, even if only thru a computer.