Hi Holiday,

It is so nice to hear from you and know that you are busy, well and still helping people understand love.

I still pray for your friend Terry. I hope he is stronger.

I think your husband will really enjoy the new career. It must be an amazing feeling to know you have helped save someone's life.

Still spinning? I opted not for the tattoo - no unnecessary pain for me.

I miss you too. I think of you often - a busy mom, wife, C.E.O. and true friend to many...

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

Walking back from a beach outing with Blue this evening, I ran into Midnight. He was organizing the move of a motorcycle I have been storing for him.

He is looking very thin and much older. We see each other very rarely. He drops things off. I pick them and turn around and drop them back to him. Never face to face.

We are working cordially towards a separation of our assets. We are very polite and considerate. He didn't really look me in the eye.

His message is consistent. Move on with your life. Don't wait. If I do weaken and ask to come home. Don't say yes I will just hurt you more. He said that to me, during the one long talk we have had in the last nine months. "I will only hurt you more."

I think he may be happier. He has the freedom to do things he has wanted to do. To be a playboy! He will be the old guy wearing young stylish clothes in the convertible with the young blonde buxom beauty - thinking he has made it.

It makes me so sad for him and sad for me.

Blue was very happy to see him. We spoke only briefly, when I turned to go, Blue trotted away with me without a backward glance. He knows - this man isn't Daddy anymore.

PB...

I wish I had more to offer tonight than a cyber "Hug".

But please know it is one of those all-encompassing, yet very gentle ones that lets you know the world is ok....and that purple pansies will come again in your lifetime.

Eibrab

Paradise,

I don't even know what to say other than I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for a while. After that I expect you to bounce back better than ever. Peaceful rest and a happy hound are the best medicine.

((((Paradise)))).

Hey Dukhuntr & Eibrab,

So sweet. Your thoughts are very kind and they cheered me up. Blue had turkey soup to cheer him up. The after effects are wafting insiduously through the air.

We had a quiet night. We cleaned. Housework is very good therapy not quite the same charge as buying shoes but it is definitely right up there in the make you feel better category.

I have a very clean kitchen.

After reading Eibrab's post, I have an urge that I will give into tomorrow - to buy some purple pansies! They are a cute cheerful little flower! I will do a planter of them. When I water them I will think of happy memories.

At the beach to day I walked with my casino designer friend, she is working on a project from ^&%%* - where no one gets along - every decision is fraught with tension and rivalry. Sounds miserable.

Marriages break up because people don't get along. Getting along really is all about saying, thinking and doing the right thing that corresponds best to the situation and the people in the situation.

For me right now that is staying clear of loopy lou a.k.a. Midnight.

Sweet dreams...

PB

Journal,

Blue and I went for roughly a six mile walk tonight, enjoying beautiful weather in the high 50s. Blue likes long walks. We strolled along - him stopping to sniff and leave pee mail here and there.

Dinner was steamed dim sum, bok choy and carrots - very very easy but healthy. I was thinking of baking and instead decided to curl up with a book and promptly fell asleep.

I woke up with Blue curled up in my arms - doggy dreaming. My hand was under his chin and I could feel his jaw muscles give dreamland barks.

I am adapting to single life. I am sad less and less. The stress, hurt and anger are no longer constant. They come sometimes yet after making me miserable - they always go away.

I was thinking tonight that Midnight's philandering has stolen almost three years of my life that just slipped away in hurtful preoccupation. What a waste.

I want those three years back. I want to spend that time productively, enjoyably, peacefully. Not as a trembling basket case heartbroken over the antics of a middle aged lothario!

One of my analytical strengths was always recognizing that one can be wrong. This change, liberation, freedom to do whatever... might really be what Midnight needs to grow. He may be right.

I have no doubt that I have grown from it.

Marriages work best if both parties make their relationship a priority. A long time ago we both let other demands take precedence. With me it was work, caring for my parents and entertaining our friends. With him it was competing in sports, keeping his athletic edge and conditioning. For a long long time it was never each other.

We both took our marriage as a given, that's done, let's move on.....

Here I am moving on...

Praise the lord and pass the bullets, Paradise has risen from the ashes!

Do you have any idea of how long I and I am assuming others have waited to hear those words from you? A miracle from the frozen North! Now I really expect to see some happiness and good cheer coming down from up there in Canada. You have set yourself free and can move towards something instead of waiting around to see what happens. Don't do anything drastic, ie. tatoo's, strange piercings, etc. But go out and change the lifestyle , even if just a little bit. Coffee and brain surgery sound good for a start!

Learn from Blue and dream bigger too! Have a great evening.

Journal,

In "What the Bleep Do We Know" there is a section where one of the interviewed experts talks about how he mentally prepares, visualizes and shapes his day as he wants it to unfold. He says the more he does that - the more amazing little co-incidences reaffirm his belief that his thoughts affect the material world.

I was out early this morning, coming back I stopped for coffee and while I was digging for change I remembered I had wanted to buy some purple pansies.

No need.

Walking home, I was stopped in my tracks. There were 41 planters - 3 feet by 2 feet full of purple pansies surrounding our building - just arrived. I walked around counting them, blinking - with more emotion than my rational brain cares to admit. Usually - the landscaping is varied. I have never seen them do only one flower before.

Getting off the elevator, I had a nice chat with my neighbour - about polar bears. Her son was wrapped in a polar bear fleece. I commented that they are one of my favourite animals and told her a story about a polar bear in Yellowknife - who starving had been lured into a woman's kitchen by the scent of freshly baked blueberry muffins. He stood at her kitchen counter on his hind legs, scoffing down blueberry muffins as fast as possible. She backed against the sink and called to her husband. He grabbed his gun and shot the bear dead. They are very dangerous. You don't want one in your kitchen.

It makes me sad every time I think of it because I can see him standing there so clearly. While the husband had no choice, it still seems criminal to kill another sentient being when they are innnocently enjoying baked goods.

My neighbour told me that on the radio this morning there was a story of hunter crossing back into the US with a grizzly pelt. The border authorities couldn't identify it. They called in the experts and it turns out that it may be a rare, one of kind cross between a polar bear and a grizzly.

The hunter was stunned and sad. He had a license. He wasn't close enough to see how different it was from a grizzly. I am sure he will feel abiding regret.

The indians would think of that as an omen. I wonder of what....

I told her I increasingly didn't read the front sections of the paper anymore. I find it can make me cry knowing how badly we behave. The business section I read cover to cover... that is bloody enough!

Now though when I do hear of something sad, I stop and make myself do a tonglen practise for both the victim and perpetrator trying to draw away suffering... Today I will meditate both on the bear and the hunter...

PB

you're a writer

Pep

A few thoughts ~~

As Dukhuntr so wisely said ~~ Take Blue's lead. He senses what is happening with Midnight. I would say that you are very lucky to have Blue, but luck has nothing to do with it. Give him a big hug for me please.

"Here I am moving on ..." Hon, you have never stood still one minute of your life. You have moved onto places we all only wish we could go to....

Also as Duk suggested ~~ go have coffee !!!!

Carnation

[quote]

"Here I am moving on ..." Hon, you have never stood still one minute of your life. You have moved onto places we all only wish we could go to....


Paradise ~ I do not want this taken the wrong way. What I meant by the above is places spiritually, your wisdom, outlook.... etc.... not physical, tangible places... Places in your mind that we (me) can only hope to go to...
Just want to make myself clear here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

carnation

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Eibrab

Hi Pep,

Thank you, I really enjoy and learn alot from your posts. They are always an inspiration.

Cheers,

PB

Hey Carnation,

Thanks for your comments. I am thinking I may opt for a beer instead of coffee. The dutch courage could be handy!

Wishing you well and happy...

PB

Journal,

It is brillant sunny warm day here. Every morning as I wake up - still lying in bed. I have a little chat with myself that boils down to one sentence. GET OVER IT!

I also make a wish for the day. Usually something simple, although I find it bewildering how powerful wishes can be - Eibrab's purple pansies for example.

Today is a typical saturday. We have gone for a walk, bought coffee, perused the book store, stood in the park chatting with doggy friends and are now home. I miss the diner breakfasts and leisurely reading the paper with Midnight making funny comments about the news.

Beef soup is on the stove bubbling away for Blue. I have Sally Lunn bread baking in the oven. There were so many left overs from entertaining at the cottage - I haven't been buying bread lately - just trying to use up copious amounts of baking supplies.

I am going for a bike ride this afternoon - after working for a few hours on paperwork. July 31 is the end of our fiscal year. I want to be done and dusted by then. It will require building consensus on certain issues - that always takes more time than you anticipate.

Last night I was out with a girlfriend and her daughter. I have known her daughter since she was a little girl. We use to do puzzles together. Now she is a lovely young wife in her 20s. She gave me my current favourite recipe for scatch salad dressing. Maple syrup, balsamic vinegar and olive oil on a 3,2,1 ratio. tossed with california greens,dried cranberries, walnuts and sliced avocado - Yummy!

She is an artist and a going concern. Wearing a bejeweled cowboy hat, red skirt, purple top, high top pink sneakers she in no way resembles the shy little girl I still remember so well. We watched Kinky Boots. A great movie by the same team that did the Calendar Girls. They both gave me big hugs before hopping in their car. I was sad to see them go.

In the park this morning I saw a group of six older women in their 60s and 70s. They must belong to the Red Hat Society - a women's network of clubs that ascribes to wearing purple and red, living life large and laughing alot. They are in tune with my young friend. I smiled at them. Admiring the truly complicated red millinery confections of flowers, feathers and veils they were sporting.

In the bookstore I skimmed a very funny book "Final Departure by Barry Albin-Dyer the same author that wrote "Don't Drop the Casket". He is a third generation funeral director and full of funny and touching stories of passings. He described one young husband of 32 who lost his young wife of 29 to a heart defect. People respond oddly when consumed with grief. He couldn't bear to part with her. He had her mummified, placed in a clear glass box that he uses as a coffee table. There is a picture of it in the book.

He is there on the couch with a friend- a couple of cans of beer are sitting on top of the box. There is no question in my mind that his wife would prefer NOT to be on display - hardly looking her best nor littered with beer cans! Men!!!!! Yikes!!!!!!

Hi Dukhuntr,

I hope you are enjoying your guests and having a fun weekend.

Wishing you well and happy...

PB

Hi Paradise,

I am having a nice weekend so far. Maybe even too much fun last night. Left work early to go watch my friends twin daughters play in their volleyball tournament. Imagine 300 teams of 10 girls between the age of 12 and 18, plus all of their parents and siblings in one building at the same time. Controlled chaos! Something like 100 courts set up and in use at all times.

After their first match I left and met one of my oldest and best friends and his wife for happy hour and then dinner. At dinner the blind date called and wanted to get together. She was out with the gal who set us up and they came and met us and to make a long story short it was a whirlwind night that didn't end until I drove the girls home about 2:00am. No way were they driving! My friend from Las Vegas even ended up finding us and we had quite the little group all wanting to do different things. We ended up doing everything somewhere during the evening. Didn't make for a pleasant wakeup this morning for golf. A few hours sleep and a small hangover didn't do anything to improve my golf game either.

Tonight I am in hiding. The friends from LV are with the EX and my daughter watching today's games. I am very happy to be at home relaxing and looking forward to a good night's sleep.

It is difficult at first to have to tell yourself you have to give up and get over it isn't it? Believe me when I say it though, peace does come soon after accepting this. I won't tell you happiness follows immediately, at least for me it hasn't, but a sense of calm creeps in and makes life easier and more comfortable. You have a bright and happy future in front of you, head into it with the excitement and optimism it deserves.

Thanks for the wishes, I have been sending good thoughts up your way all week. It must be working, you sound a lot better! Pleasant dreams.

Journal,

A long busy day, two beach walks, a day long outing with Mom and a girlfriend. We small town hopped, - poking around antique stores, farmer markets, walking in parks - stopping for dinner by a canal. It was a lovely sunny spring day.

On the way home, we stopped at a major book store chain. Mom wanted to buy a new St James Bible, her old one was falling apart from use. We had to order it. They didn't have a large print version in stock. "Really dear, it is the one of the key books our culture is based on. How could they not have one in stock."

I smiled.

My Mom reads her bible daily. It gives her strength and peace.

I brought my camera today. I wanted to take a picture of Mom against trees in blossom - preferably magnolia. I went down to the car without it and ran back for it. Me forgeting something - always delights Blue. He runs to his basket and comes out the door with a toy. Like "Jeez, Mom, you're right I forgot my slipper too! "

I got down to the car and then ran back up a second time because I had not packed music for the day - Chet Baker - K.D Lang were my hurried choices. Blue wrapped his paws around my leg, locked his teeth in a towel I had rolled up under my arm and we went back down to the car doing a tango of sorts - with his back paws swinging in the air.

I take more pictures of Mom because at 81, I know that at some point - I will lose her.

Dispossession is part of life. It is a journey not a destination. Experiencing loss so intensely this past year - makes me more determined to treat as special the memories I make each day.

More pictures are a very good start....

Hi Dukhuntr,

Sounds like an action packed fun weekend - was had by all. I find group dynamics interesting - how choices are made - preferences expressed - flow created... Before you know it there is a tangible group groove going on ....

Wishing you well and happy...

PB

Journal,

I try very hard to live in the moment. However, Blue outshines me in this - in a very big way.

Yesterday after dropping off a friend, I told him we were on our way the beach. Traffic was bad it took us 35 minutes to get there. Thirty five minutes is too long for my dog to stand the anticipation of something so extraordinarily wonderful as a visit to the beach.

Out of the car two minutes - he tossed his cookies. Then happy as lark he ran off to play with the other dogs. It is like a little off leash doggie heaven.

I have never seen a serious fight break out among the dogs. They are all walking, running, sniffing with the same goofy look .. "I'm at the beach..I'm at the beach... Boy this is great....Boy is this ever great.."

Certain places have the right kind of energy; that can heal, restore your spirit and relax your mind. I have yet to go to the beach and not feel better for it.

Blue agrees. He can even spell it. B E A C H.... will solicit a tail wag and a big big smile.