Hello Paradise,

Jaime can spell too, H U N T I N G! Normally she is mild mannered and sedate. Say or spell this word and look out. My son and his friends like to torment her by asking her if she wants to go hunting. Takes between 20 and 45 minutes to convince her we are not going then. Torture to the poor dog! Kinda like dressing your dog up and letting everyone dote over him and make him feel silly and embarrassed, huh?

Spending the evening doing my 2nd and 3rd jobs tonight. Bookeeping for the Golf club and the Duck club. It's finally nice here and where am I? Sitting at a desk writing checks and reconciling accounts. What a moron! I will be checking in all night if you want to talk. I hope you are relaxing and your nerves are more settled.

Talk to you soon.

This thread is my beach. I thank God that journalists and waterfowl hunters exist.

Eibrab

Hi Dukhuntr,

We are just back from a six mile walk/jog...and decidedly low ebb. Blue is happy to jog to the beach, however, coming home he prefers to crawl along at a snails pace - taking every opportunity to dawdle.

I have laundry going (clean sheets!) and the dishwasher going ... but I lack the energy to tackle any of the work projects I should be toiling at.

Blue has had a bath, turkey soup for dinner, swallowed a ginormous bill (antiobiotics) and had his teeth brushed. He is snoring at my feet - a busy agenda kind of day.

He had the start of a dust up with Mugsy at the beach today. Over a stick ... " Mugsy's Dad was there in flash and Mugsy was led away - whilst being loudly berated...head hanging low.. Blue sat self satisfied for a good five minutes chewing the stick. To the victor go the spoils.

For Midnight's 50th birthday I bought him several cards. The one from Blue showed an old red buick full of dogs, looking out the window, sitting at the wheel, all with the same wolfish grin. The caption read "Still cruising for sticks". It makes me smile now.

I am sipping cocoa (Rademaker - Dutch). I read just recently that plain old cocoa powder is more healthful than green tea. Much tastier!

I went to Dharma class last night but my british friend did not come. I am hoping it has not got anything to do with the stunned look of surprise I gave him when he asked me out to coffee. Note to self, when Harrison Ford look alike brain surgeons invite you out for coffee - DO NOT LOOK STUNNED OR WORSE YET EMBARASSED!

Oh well next time. May be my luck will hold and a Sean Connery look alike will come along!

I had a girlfriend in high school, who I still miss daily - she lives far away now. Her luck with men was beyond bad.

She once had a crush on a lad that was on the same athletic team I was on. I invited her to go to an out of town meet. After the competition we went out for dinner, a few drinks and driving home I made sure they were sitting in the back seat together alone.

It was moonlit night quite romantic. In the rear view mirror, I saw him turn to kiss her - that first fragile moment of contact about to happen. I held my breath. Then she blinked put her head down and threw up in his lap. She had drank a wee bit too much.

On another outing, I had to bail her out of jail. She was caught making out with a chap in his car. She was of legal age but it turns out a police officer did not like the idea of them being parked in a park and hauled them down to the station after she had hastily dressed standing by the car. I sat in the waiting room with the chap's wife - not sure where to look. His being married was news to us both.

She was a magnet for arisings - buddhist for happenings.

She worked for the foreign affairs branch of the Canadian government. Once posted in Africa, her office was shot up by machine gun toting rebels. There was a body guard for every staff member. Hers was taking up all the room under her desk. Leaving her to fend for her self amid the flying glass, bullets and plaster.

Arisings!

She is doing well. Her stories could amuse you for many hours. A life well lived should have great stories...

Wishing you well, happy and may all your columns balance!

PB

Eibrab,

Quit reading so much and start writing. I miss hearing from you! You write at least as well as I do and most times it's more interesting to boot. Nobody writes as well as Paradise so don't let that slow you down. Tell us what's happening at the horse farm, how the archery is going and if your dream of watching turtles mate has come true yet.

I have been keeping a low profile for the most part(not counting weekends with friends from out of town). That being the case I have plenty of time to converse here and not a lot of people to converse with. It got so bad I went out last night and bought a bunch of flowers and filled the EX's flower pots for the first time in two years. I have to be getting stagnant to resort to gardening for entertainment! It scares me to think that I know what kind of flowers are out there. Not the kind of thing a macho kind of dukhuntr wants on his resume. What is even scarier is I went out this morning and admired my handiwork on the way to work.

Paradise,

I knew there was a wild side to the younger Paradise! Boys, cars, drinking, what else haven't you told us? On second thought maybe I don't want to hear the answer to that! Winston Churchill almost knocked me out of my chair so let's keep the past in the past for you.

Blue is walking tall tonight! That should rebuild all the self esteem he lost over the holidays for sure. Memories of tu-tu's and whatever other demeaning outfits you put him in are all forgotten. Now he's the biggest baddest dog on the beach. Plus he's with the best looking Mom to boot!

I gave up on the Golf Club balancing. I took over for an old golf buddy that was having problems with arthritis and his stomach. We let the stuff slide for a couple of months waiting for him to get better. He passed away last week suddenly and shockingly. Seems he had an undetected cancer too. He was a hunter, fisherman and truely fine golfer in addition to being what I considered a real gentleman and friend. We had a memorial for him Saturday at the golf course and 150 people showed up when we expected 30. Somewhere in the interim deposits were made and no record kept of what they represented. I don't think anyone will worry about this problem.

Dates like your friend had are as much fun or more than the "normal" ones you hear about. How long will you remember "just another date"? Not long believe me! Her dates have lived all these years and are still funny and memorable. I think that is part of the attraction to dating again, building new memories and living a full life. Good and bad.

I am glad to hear you are headed back in this direction. A date with you would build a memory for any man I"m sure. In the process you can regain some of the excitement and anticipation that is missing for you now. I can't wait to hear your dating stories when the time comes for you.


P.S.- If Harrison shows up again I expect you to do the inviting! Practice makes perfect remember! All you can do for now is practice, but do it in style just as you do everything else in life! Plus it may give you the motivation to shed a Midnight nightmare. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Dukhuntr

I saw "Friends with Money" tonight. It was disappointing, not very funny and borderline irritating. It had been advertised as a witty comedy of manners... NOT. It was my suggestion and my friends were kind enough not to complain.

We went to the early show, even after lingering over Starbucks coffee I was still home early enough to take Blue for a two hour walk. Tonight is one of those rare spring evenings where the air feels like velvet. The trees are either in blossom or budding and bright hued tulips are everywhere. Great walking weather.

I have a pinapple cake in the oven.

I am nurse maiding a friend tomorrow who has just had surgery. It is my slot on a very detailed schedule organized so that during her first week of recuperation she will have company during the day, when her husband is at work and her children at school.

We will sit in her back yard and have coffee and pinapple cake and I will run around and do her chores. Blue will stretch out on the lawn, enjoy the sunshine and do no chores.

Admiring the different flower beds in my travels tonight, I thought of you planting flowers and then enjoying your handiwork. Gardening is slowly seductive. It hooks you gradually... till late at night you are poring over bulb catalogues and dreaming of lillies.

I have an out of town friend who has a wonderful garden, it has been on TV and in magazines. It consumes most of her waking moments. "It started innocently enough - just a few packets of seeds from the supermarket. Yet when everything starts to grow and bloom it makes me feel remarkable, so very clever to be part of the magic in life."

When I was growing up we had a huge lilac bush in the back yard. I could crawl into the base of it, be completely hidden from view and in May - awash in the scent of lilac. Whenever I smell lilac that memory comes back - my secret scented private hideway. For many that is what their garden becomes - a refuge.

Wishing you well and happy,

PB

Evening Paradise,

I too went out with friends tonight. We went to a funraising dinner for the local Community College Athletic Department. We had a nice evening and I bought myself some really nice tickets to see my Giants play in June. Th speaker tonight was a local guy who played for the Astro's during his career in baseball and is now a scout for them. We heard some great stories and had a bunch of fun. You would have been proud too, I drank diet soda most of the night!

Bad movies are always depressing, especially when you plan an evening with friends around one and it was your choice. Don't feel bad we all have done it. Remember "Heaven's Gate", that was my call once. What a dull movie, we left after the first 30 minutes.

I think you told me once that smell is the most powerful sense for bringing back memories and I am a firm believer in this. Popcorn instantly takes me back to my teens when I umpired Little League baseball games all summer to make enough money to goof off with my friends on a regular basis. I hated that smell for years! Spend 4-5 nights a week for four months crouched behind home plate, 10 feet from the popper and you would hate that smell too. Or even more enduring the smell of Tequila after getting really drunk for the first time and really sick on it too. YUCK! Still cant stand that stuff straight.

Enjoy your day tomorrow, your friend is very lucky to have people like you in her life. As for me I am tackling the back yard starting tomorrow. Enjoying the front and how nice it looks has inspired me. I have a whole summer's worth of work to do there if I can keep the inspiration going.

Sleep well!

Journal,

I had planned to spend the afternoon with my friend and ended up spending most of my evening there as well. It was fun. Her fridge is packed with brought offerings. We ate miso soup, sticky rice wrapped in roasted seaweed and barbeque pork, watched a chick flick "Mrs Henderson Presents" - (very funny) and talked for hours.

We have been friends for 26 years.

I have watched her two boys grow up to be lively teenagers. In fact one of them has volunteered to take me to his climbing gym to see if I'd like it. He is 14 years old, 6 feet tall and strong. I have no doubt that it will be a lesson in humility for me.

When we first met, he was a bald, red faced, drunken eyed - bundled packet - no bigger than a large eggplant. He was the guest of honour at a very spiffy baby shower I co-hosted for him.

We were so happy he arrived safely - with Mom well too. It was a complicated difficult birth. At dinner tonight, he joked, laughed and showed impeccable manners that made her proud. Amazing how fourteen years can change a person!

They live on a very wide street framed with big trees - many are in blossom. On the way there, a thunder storm was forming and the wind picked up - for a few moments I was driving in a blizzard of pink blossom petals. It was spectacular. I have never seen so many blossoms in the air at once before.

Driving home, I worried and fretted, my dear dear friend may have early onset Alzheimer’s. It runs in her family. Sometimes her eyes get a flat look to them that scares me.

It is a bleak horrible wrenching thought.

I try hard to live in the moment and just be truly thankful for today. Sometimes it is very hard and I wish very much I was more like Blue - rooted in the now. Knowing worry is for naught.

Going through the emails this morning, personal and work, I read one sent to Midnight from a mutual friend I guess by accident. I read all the emails and forward any work related or personal mail to his new email address. It was a breezy newsy letter which ended with “and how are things between you and Amy going?” Not a great start to my day.

Amy is OW 3.

Midnight was madly in love with OW1. She was an addiction he thought about all the time. When he left me to be with her, it was like she was the oxygen he needed to breathe.

They seemed to last no time at all. In 10 months since he has been gone, he has gotten over her and moved on through a second and is now on a third. Where does he get the energy? It must be exhausting just keeping their names straight.

I had a stern talk with myself. “It is no longer your business.” I forwarded the email and went on with my day.

We have been having wonderful weather. Mom and I went out for dinner tonight. She was in good form, flirting with the waiter - talking non stop. We ate fajitas. She told me she would like to be young again. “Being old is not much fun – 45 is a good age. I liked being 45”. I laughed. I liked being 30.

On a ski trip once with Midnight – he complained everyone else on the trip was too old, too boring. I blinked at him and said – “Hon a good number of them are younger than you are.”

I will bet doughnuts Amy is not out of her 30s.

The thing is every age is a good age. It means you are alive, breathing - able to enjoy this very precious moment.

Hi Paradise,

I wish you could forward without reading the garbage you have to deal with. I would be a wreck! I still don't know how you cope and remain so calm. I would have added some satire before forwarding and paid dearly for it later.

I helped my 22yr old son put on a birthday party tonight for his "friend" Niki who just turned 19. We had a BBQ for 20 to 25 of their friends who range in age from 19 to 24. Hamburgers and steaks, salads, chips and copious amounts of alcohol. I am torn over this. My son is of age and can do as he pleases but many of his friends , especially the girls are underage. They didn't overindulge here but they left to go to a club and dance and drink some more.

I'm not real comfortable allowing this to go on but I am also afraid of running my son out of the house. His other option is to live with his uncle. He's the one with 4 prior felony convictions and a serious drug problem that my son and the rest of the family refuse to acknowledge. I heard recently the uncle was even dealing the stuff too! No way do I want my son anywhere near this environment. So what does the idiot duk do instead? He drinks with the kids and then cleans up after them. I told you I wasn't too bright!

MY WS is into a younger man too and it really irkes me somtimes too. She at least has stayed with the same one now for almost two years. Does it really matter? Both our WS's have made a choice to seek a life without us. We didn't have a choice or an opportunity to address their unhappiness. Can we do anything? NO!!!!! All we can do is to live the fullest and most productive lives we can and take care of ourselves now. I get it finally I think. Something or someone flipped their switch and they are gone for us. Maybe sometime years down the road they will take stock of their lives and come to the conclusion we weren't so bad after all. By then you and I will be long gone and probably with other SO's that are as grounded and ethical and have the same perception of integrity as we do. Could we or would we do what they have done? In a word - NO, not ever, not even with a gun to our head. Does that make us better than them, no, just different.

I am so much better now at thinking my way through the BS that an A creates it is amazing. Most of this is thanks to you and your calming and intelectual influence. Use that intelect to avoid the e-mail traps and any other Midnight inspired bunk that comes your way. B you have so much going for you it makes me jealous! All you have to do is believe in yourself. Go out and make me and Holiday and Eibrab proud! Dump the Midnight baggage and spread your wings and fly off into your future. It's a much higher and happier future that you can imagine!

After reading this I know I drank way too much Crown Royal tonight! Three advil and off to bed for the half looped duk tonight!

Hi Dukhuntr,

It is 5.30 a.m.; the sky is slowly turning from black to indigo blue. It is pouring rain. Blue and I will go to the beach soon- me garbed in raingear - he in wet dog fur. When his fur gets truly soaked he looks a bit like a large drowned rat.

I have never actually seen a large drowned rat. It is a guess.

I have been trying to read Amit Goswani's "The Self Aware Universe". It has many diagrams, experiential findings - hard slogging – I am having to reread sections with determined focus and wishing there was a "For Dummies version - no diagrams, experiential findings - just the conclusion simply put in large print.

I have made tea and home made coconut bread drizzled with pecan caramello dolcetti. It is perhaps the best taste in the world.

Marriages, lives, countries, worlds - everything is impermanent. We are on a rental program. Many things happen in life that may seem beyond our control. Yet, I believe we are profoundly responsible for our lives in their every detail.

Even, when a marriage is over, the memories aren't. I was working late last night and for some reason all of my photos (I have hundreds) started up as a slide show. Our set up allows a panning motion over each picture as it is displayed.

I sat for a good hour enjoying camping pictures, skiing pictures, home, family, friends and dog pictures. More dog pictures than anything else he is mightily photogenic.

If I allow myself to stay angry – it gels to bitterness – then I won’t even enjoy what I have - many happy memories. That would be a sad waste of all the hard work that went into making them. Better to garden!

Hoping you awake with a smile and without a hangover

Cheers,
PB

Morning Paradise,

The smile yes, feeling good a definite NO!!! Tired, a little hung over, and grumpy. I don't drink much anymore and I feel terrible the next day when I do. I am headed out to my friends house to help BBQ for a graduation party. Perfect, standing in the sun next to a hot BBQ all day. I ought to feel even better tonight.

The anger is the baggage I think you need to drop. You don't ever have to like what he did, but you said it yourself, don't let it make you bitter. You have way too much going for you to be bitter over someone else's poor decision making. Enjoy the memories because they are what made us the individuals we are. Take away the A and think of it as a mutual decision to split and imagine how much more positive those memories would look. I am doing my best to put her A in perspective now as her way of splitting without a face to face conflict with me. She hated conflict of any sort or nature. She would not face it with her brothers, her parents, our kids and especially not me. I know it rationalizing on my part, but if its a way for me to put it behind me and live happier and more confident, who is it going to hurt?

Well I better get moving, 6 legs of lamb are waiting to be charred by a master BBQ dukhuntr. Have fun in the rain with Blue at the beach.

Hey Dukhuntr,

It is a beautiful day here. Cool but very sunny. I am trying to work up the energy to go for a nice bike ride. I have been lazy all day - a tad low ebb.

The dog is with Daddy and it makes for a quiet home. I find one of the most challenging aspects of adapting to single life - is productively filling the extra time.

I am not use to having any extra time. It seems strange to sit down with a calender and know I have to make plans or I will be sitting home by myself.

Tonight I have made no plans - hence the bike ride. Yesterday was lovely, I spent the day with a friend, eating out, walking about - alittle shopping. Blue enjoyed it immensely - he was out with two of his favourite women for the entire day. I came home tired and ready for a long soak and then off to bed.

I find I have to exercise a fair bit or I don't sleep as well. I wake up and look around my bedroom sure something is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong. It is just me getting use to change.

I hope your party went well. Blue loves lamb. We eat it with mint sauce on the side! He has his plain.

Cheers,

PB

Dukhunter..

I'm dying to know... charred or just right ?

Eibrab

Paradise..

I've so much to share here. Every day I read and I think of the words and happenings that I'd love so much to bring here.

But then I think... your posts always make me think... and the urge to type seems to lessen. It's as if by thinking, I can do more good.

I'm thinking tonight... about you and Mr. Midnight, homemade coconut bread, charred leg of lamb and a silly charming chef...myself... I think about myself.

I had a new gelding come in the barn. A big, bold, black hunter type. He is not simply big, he is enormous. He has developed a habit. Though he is a joy to ride, he will not allow you to dismount. He bolts to the right, or straight backwards. He is far too tall for a person of my size to get off of gracefully, if he means to make it difficult.

He's going to be quite a chore.

I sat with him a bit today. Just he and I, some grass and a small band of barn swallows swarming around. His barn name is Luke, though he is known by the registered name of Quickly Captivating.

Today, we enjoyed each other with no tension of how "it" would end. Of whether I could get off or he could brace himself to face what was coming. I assured him that today was a day of reprieve.

It's a wonder that anyone of us ever climbs onto anything, knowing full well that we may have to dismount. I never think of dismounting until the time comes. Maybe dismounting is the thing we need to think hardest on... because we can't climb back up again, unless we start at the bottom or the very core again, right ?

You are in my prayers.

I am watching the late news for any breaking stories of a lamb roast gone awry in the desert..

Tomorrow, I climb again. It's got to be a whole lot more fun to go up. Please don't tell Luke.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab,

“Quickly Captivating” is a wonderful name, QC for short. He has you captive on several levels. Big, bold males will do that!

Maybe he just doesn’t want the ride to end. He knows when you get off – he is back in his stall by himself and bored. Or perhaps the gap in your respective sizes makes him confident that being so much bigger –he can get his way. He could even think it funny, his own little inside joke. “She can boss me around – but she doesn’t get off lightly!”

Almost all animals have a sense of humor. I remember once being at a farm fair. Looking up at big draft horse, I was wearing a straw hat. I swear he was laughing at me. Mirth shining in his eyes – he snorted. “Ha! She has straw on her head. What a good joke!” He tried to nibble at it, startling me into jumping back. Good humor radiated from him – for a moment I knew what he was thinking.

Joy in the ride and discomfort, pain and fear in the dismount – a lesson in life.

When I was younger I was on a gymnastic team. I loved dismounts. I loved the sensation of my body flying in the air, twisting to be poised and balanced for contact with the earth.

When you are dismounting from a marriage – it is not the earth you come into contact with – it is your self. You go from being part of a couple to just you.

The trick is to be comfortable again with being just you. All the negative feelings that arise – relate to wanting more… a longer ride.

I am reading a book which posits that all matter is formed by consciousness. The universe is self aware. It is a concept which brings into accord the many paradoxes of quantum physics. I believe everyone’s thoughts are powerful. They form our collective reality.

Thinking is the most powerful thing we do.

Thank you for thinking of me…. I will smile when I think of you in your barn with your big black hunter – chatting about just how long rides should be. Tell him there is always tomorrow!

PB

Hello Paradise and Eibrab!

The lamb was wonderful! I didn't have to do much either. The family is serbian and although they have been here for several generations they still celebate the same. Yesterday was St George' celebration for them in addition to the graduation party. All the relatives were there. I had plenty of help on the BBQ and no end of suggestions! All of this while they enjoyed the drink of choice from the "old country"- Slivovitz. Yugoslav Plum Brandy. All 90 proof of it. Tastes like jet fuel to me. We had Lamb, Sausage in Sour Kraut, Ribs in Sour Kraut, Sarma's(Sausage & rice rolled in cabbage leaves and steamed in a bed if Sour Kraut), and all manner of stuff to feed our faces with. Needless to say you didn't want to be downwind of Sour Kraut duk today!

It made me feel really good yesterday to be invited to the party. There were only two of us invited that were not a part of this family. We were both treated just like we were and made to feel welcome by everyone, even the ones we had just met.

Today even my golf game came back. I haven't played well in a long time and thought I had let my skills deteriorate this last year and today I was right back to where I left off. Golf is definitely a game in which physical skills only get you so far, the rest resides between the ears.

Eibrab, I am glad to see you telling us what is happening for you. It focuses your thinking even if for just a short while each time you write. It helps me clarify my thoughts I know. You better have your thoughts clear and in the present around the hunter. I don't think he knows what he is up against yet either! Given enough time I'm sure you could have him giving pony rides at birtday parties if you wanted to. Have you been peeping on the turtle's lately to see if romance is in the air yet?

Paradise, I like the way you are thinking these days! The dismount description fit you like a glove. I think you made your dismount in the last month and are still a little groggy from the landing! You are definitely on your way to whatever lies ahead. Wanting the longer ride is something both of us wanted and I really hoped your's would continue. If anyone ever deserved to to have that chance it was you, I just don't think your steed was up to the challenge. I'm all for hoping OW #3 turns him into a gelding myself!

Pleasant dreams all!

Journal,

I had a dharma class tonight and then took the dog for a long walk. It is beautiful night out, half moon, gentle breeze with the hint of summer in the air.

Blue and I walked by a pub tonight where Midnight and I had one of our first dates. The décor has changed but the table lay out is much the same. I stood for a moment looking in at the table I remember us sitting at. It was empty.

The dog and I were reflected in the window pane. There I stood a middle age gal in a jean jacket, and wistful smile, next to a dog with a question in his eyes. He doesn’t see what I am looking at.

I can see our young selves sitting there in very animated conversation some 25 or possibly even 26 years ago. My husband has great energy. I remember when I first met him looking down at his feet to see if he had springs. It is what I like best about him.

I enjoy the dharma class very much. There are always one or two really good thoughts to think about. Arriving home, I am calm, mind relaxed, more in tune and my hair smells of incense.

Blue knows the drill when I am going out. Lately, I am absent minded, I pick up his leash and find it in my pocket when I am miles away from home. I wonder what he thinks when he watches me do this.

Is she going to walk another dog?

Hey Dukhuntr,

Great lamb, fun parties, up to scratch golf - you sound like a man finding himself.

Continuing to wish you well and happy... it seems to be working...

PB

That thought strikes fear in all of God's creatures, doesn't it?

My prayers tonight will include one that Blue will always know that you will come home to him... and the smell of another dog will not be a sign of betrayal, but kindness.

Please share some thoughts from the class, PB. I have thinking to do and space to fill in my thoughts.

Wishing you a peaceful evening...

Eibrab