Journal,

I had planned to go to a Buddhist function tonight and instead spent the evening at the beach because it was sunny perfect weather. Blue approved of the change in plans. We walked there and back, enjoying the beautiful greens of spring. There was no wind, the water calm – a sculling crew was out practicing – their coach yelled at them – so they dug down and pulled harder.

I plan my days by the weather.

It must be a middle age thing, my Dad did this too. If I do have the television on - it is on the weather channel. It fascinates me. Snow in Whitehorse, rain in Vancouver - clear sunny skies in Las Vegas! How marvelous –everywhere is different.

We ran into Julie a beagle mix, who has lost part of her ear somewhere. Her owner adopted her and doesn’t know how it happened. I am sure Julie remembers – if only she could talk. She would tell the story of a vicious Doberman or an inattentive owner with a too quick car door slam, making us wince when she spoke grippingly of how much it hurt. Though mostly I think she would ask for biscuits!

Her owner is a gay gentleman who I usually see with a much younger man. Lately, he has been alone. He looks pale and sad. I have yet to ask after his partner. I suspect they have split. The eternal cycle of love found then lost.

There is an enormous amount of information and wisdom on this site. I read and learn. Hoping at some point – knowing how to better manage love will be an advantage I need.

Walking back, I watched a young couple have a very big blow out fight. They had stopped their car and got out to scream at each other standing face to face only a few inches apart – arms waving, using many short rude words. Their sentences were so choked with anger that I could not get the gist of what the problem was - only that each was telling the other to ##%# $#$.

When Midnight and I were younger and more prone to disagreements I suggested we just growl at each other. It worked really well. It expressed the emotion you were feeling without hurtful words that would be long remembered. If we really got into it with gusto – it always led to laughter.

Sometimes, life bites you with just how short, fleeting and precious each day is. A perfect beautiful day was wasted on those two. I prayed they won’t do that often.

I got an email today from one of Midnight’s friends asking me out for coffee. My eyebrows are still stuck up near my hair line. It was a beautifully written invitation – funny, whimsical, complimentary. He is in public relations. I sent back a breezy missive that very gently said no. I would think that most friends would know that trying to date your buddy’s estranged wife is not on - apparently not.



Hi Eibrab,

We have great talks at this little group I go to. I am the novice. The other three have many years of study.

There is a quote from Albert Einstein in “The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying” which reads

”A human being is part of a whole, called by us the “Universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

Now that is a good thought!

Albert Einstein was capable of such great thoughts yet he was brutally unkind to his first wife - abandoning her without money to care for their sons - one with mental illness - while he pursued a teen age cousin he was infatuated with. His first wife co-authored one of his early works. He took her name off the paper before it was published. He would allow her to speak only when spoken to. She died early and a pauper after raising the children.

He lived well and enjoyed his fame. I wonder if later in life he ever regretted how he had treated her. Let's hope so.

Thought and intention are just as important as what we do and say. We are mainly what we think.

Wishing you good thoughts!

PB

Hello Paradise,

Thanks for the thoughts! They are working. I hope my nightly best wishes for you start paying off soon too. I think I am almost back to a confident and stable frame of mind. Never been "normal" so I don't know what that would be like, if I ever got there.

Been having a major row with my son lately. He's been doing what many 22yr old males do, slacking off and letting Dad take care of everything. With my new found confidence I let him know it was step up and help out or it's out on his own. Everytime I have tried to get this across to him in the last year all he had to do was threaten to move in with Mom and I would cave in totally. I called his bluff last night and he did spend the night with Mom. Couldn't have been what he expected though, he was back making apologies and promises this afternoon. I haven't asked why he didn't just stay with Mom and I don't even care at this point. I'm just happy he's back and that I took my stand. Your quiet confidence and demeanor rubs off even thru a keyboard Paradise!

The back yard is half done already! I have already figured out what flowers are going where and the weeds are gone along with a bunch of old ground cover and strange bamboo like growths. It was a jungle out there! Can't even begin to tell my friends about this compulsion yet. It even makes me feel squeamish thinking about me getting excited over a flower garden. "Closet Gardener"? I may have to go shoot something just to feel "manly" again.

Watch out for Midnight's friends. The real sicko's come out when they smell blood in the water! Where's the Brain Surgeon? Find the guy and go have some coffee would you! Laugh, flirt and have some fun(harmless that is)!

Dream a happy dream tonight!

morning, paradise

I keep reading your journal and still enjoy it very much. Tonight my daughter woke me up at 3 am and I am still awake. Trying to re-live every day from last October of my life and my H life. Trying to imagine what was he thinking of when he was living double life. Trying to imagine myself in his shoes and comprehend what happened. Terribly want to wake him too but as usual I can't bother anyone with my 'own' troubles. Wanted to work a little but my password is locked and - what a surprise! - I can't call support - picturing someone who is on call waking up for me. After reading your last post I started calming down. I always do. You have this influence. I guess not on me only. May be now I'll be able to go back to sleep.

PS: I am wondering too - where is the Brain Surgeon? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Also I am thinking - where do male Brain Surgeons keep their brains? Where it suppose to be or as usual? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Maril,

I have been thinking about you today. Wondering what life must be like in Russia. So much has changed.

Funny how in the middle of the night thousands of miles away, you can read my thoughts - we live in such a connected world.

It must be hard to cope with being both a mom and recovering from infidelity. Somehow men seem to sleep through alot. I'd wake him up!

Sleeping well does helps. When ever I am really down, I just go to bed and know it will all look better in the morning and it always does.

Wishing you a deep dreamless sleep that leaves you feeling renewed, strong and at peace when you awake.

PB

Hi Dukhuntr,

Your post reminded me of a novel someone was telling me about. It was about a woman who loved her husband.

She loved him when he left her for a young leggy blonde. She loved him when he divorced her and married the young leggy blonde. She was shrewd. She moved out of the city into the country. Their two teenage sons had to live with Dad and wifey # 2 to continue their schooling.

Nothing apparently can quell passion like two teenagers in the house. He divorced his second wife and went back to his first wife, who still loved him. Having your son live with your ex and her beau might have a similar effect!

Sometimes life gets overly complicated. The basics are that you respect and be considerate of others. As a parent you can do no better for your kids than making sure they have the basics! Tough job though!

Great progress on the back yard, I will think of you sitting out there with a drink in your hand - looking at hard evidence of just how remarkable and clever you really are!

It is windy tonight with a three quarter moon swathed in clouds. We stayed in and watched movies and ate junk food for dinner. Something I rarely do... it was a lay about indulging kind of night.

I chatted with an out of town girlfriend, making her laugh when I told her I was going to do my utmost to split with Midnight cleanly - no residue negative karma or lingering psychic entanglement to be carried into my next life! Thank You!

Wishing you well and happy...

Cheer

PB

paradise,
sorry I mislead you. I am from Russia but we live in US now. I think I would not be so surprised if my H cheated on me there. It looks like everyone does. And the roomers are that there too many young good looking energetic girls for each relatively successful man who would do ANYTHING to get there. So many guys we know have girlfriends twice their age <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I've seen so much infidelity when I lived there - I did not want to be married at all. But then I did and - OOps - I ended up here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Journal,

Pouring rain and heavy fog here, I went to see Akeela and the Bee tonight with a girlfriend. It is a lovely film - well acted, very family oriented and entertaining.

We caught the early show then scooted up to her son's home so she could babysit her grand kids while they went out to celebrate their wedding anniversary.

I haven't baby sat with a chum for a long while. We raided their bar. Her daughter in law's family owns a micro brewery. I gave a low whistle at the impressive array of beer on hand. We played on the computer with the kids - buildabear.com. I read them a bed time story - The Pokey Little Puppy and after they had settled down, we ordered in Italian.

Over wine and veal we talked for several hours. She is witty, pragmatic, wise and hopeful. She thinks I should just enjoy myself and see what happens. Me too.

Home again, I have walked the dog in the rain, given him a shower, a turkey soup dinner and ginormous bill (He is still on antibiotics). Before bed, he will brush his teeth and maybe play a wee bit of indoor soccer.

Just another day.... yet every day has moments. Her son's house borders on a park, walking back - there was that clean rain smell mingled with the scent of lilac from a bush in bloom.

Lovely thing about having a dog is the joyous reunions. "Boy you were gone a long time... but I still love you Mom... now let's go for a walk."

I have a basket for hats and gloves that I usually keep up high I must have left it within his reach in my haste to get going tonight.

There are hats and gloves everywhere...he is running hamper scamper tossing them in the air one after another... it is puppy heaven.

Journal,


While working today, I found a cheque Midnight has written to Amy - a large cheque.

One of the hardest things about being in my situation is that I seem so far behind him in the adjustment process.

He has completely moved on. I am still struggling.

Looking at this large cheque is accelerating my process. I will have to ask about it - and account for it. Midnight could have written it to himself, cashed it and given her the cash in large bills.

He wanted me to see it.

I am starting to see mean behaviour. It worries me. He is not a mean person.

He told our chalet mates I wanted to rent solo next year - not true of course -very inconsiderate to them and downright nasty to me. I am lucky they called me to check. They are what help make it so great.

My immediate response to everything troubling these days is to take a long walk. Blue and I were out for two hours. It always helps. I calm down.

What bothers me most about this is that other than OW1 I have never lost a friend to conflict - although I am not sure I can aptly describe her as a friend.

My husband was my best friend. It makes me want to stop in my tracks back up several years and say hey, we should pay attention here or we will be sorry.

I am sorry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I cannot sleep. It is too late to go for another walk. So I have been typing angry sentences and then erasing them.

It calms me.

I find being angry difficult. It is like I am not built for it. My body doesn't want to hold onto it. In no time in my life have I ever been so consistently mad. It just keeps coming back. I send it away with daily effort at perpective, meditation, exercise ...and it just comes back.

Speaking of anger, Blue would like to go to bed. He is humpfring - making sharp exhalations of air to let me know he is annoyed. I am keeping him up.

I know from experience it will all look better in the morning.

Hello Paradise,

I had hoped you would never go thru this. We, the normal emotionally challenged and weak minded people in MB, are either still in this same place or slowly coming out of it. You have never allowed yourself to do this, why start now? Nothing has changed except for your thinking. If you could keep positive and not worry about Minight all of this time what has really changed for you other than finally coming to the realization he is probably not coming back?

I seem to remember someone telling me over and over how useless and self damaging anger was. As I recall it was also a huge waste of energy that could be put to better uses. It takes a long time but an echo can travel to Nevada and back to Canada can't it! There will be many more "little messages" Midnight will send you in his own way. None of them will be pleasant. He has to do these things to prove to himself and to the bevy of OW he is running thru that you are no longer a part of his life.

I know how much this hurts for you, the acceptance that the the marriage you had committed to and believed in all these years is really now just a sham from Midnight's perspective. You will never think of your marriage in this way even if it were over tomorrow your thinking would not change for some time to come. But like I have said before, you and I and many others out there don't think like my EX and Midnight. In their minds our marriages were done before they ever went physical in their A's. Nothing we can control and not an issue for us to address in ourselves.

I still say and always will, YOU AND I SHOULD NOT BE SORRY FOR THEIR POOR DECISIONS. Forget marital vows and religion, we both deserved a whole lot more respect and consideration from our spouses simply based on the fact we spent over twenty good years with them. I think Midnight is a lot like my EX in that they both are huge conflict avoiders. I think they both knew they wanted out long before they had their A's. They were simply afraid to confront the issue.

Don't let yourself fall back into the trap of anger and the "what if" cycle of torment. You and Holiday and Eibrab talked me out of that and you should know better! Now I am going to start on the MB bandwagon with you. You have been in a year long plan A with Midnight now and have ignored every suggestion to go into a real plan B by telling us about the business and how it would not be practical. Well if you ever hope to change what you are seeing you better get yourself into a real plan B fast. Hire someone to extricate you from the business, Let them see the checks to the Wanda's, or Bubbles or whatever the flavor of the week is. Remove yourself from his life and allow him to see what it will be without you in any way shape or form. Do it now! Have a purpose just as before when you were so positive and unangry. Only now it is to disapppear from his radar and create a void for him to feel. It also takes away his ability to send you nasty grams like the big check to OW#3. You sure those were not just "professional fees" by the way?

Start you mission of darkness today! No contact of any sort or nature is your goal.

Sleep is your friend and I am wishing you a sound and restful sleep tonight.

Hey Dukhuntr,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am married to a "Banana Head". I simply have to remember it. There is nothing he will do that isn't easily predictable.

Blue and I have been out the whole day. He has been to the puppy spa, now sleekly trimed, fragrantly floral, he is snoring at my feet. He finds the sheer tension of being shampooed, trimmed and fluffed, exhausting.

I have Harvey with Jimmy Stewart playing on the TV. It is my favourite movie. Jimmy gives an introduction in which he describes the six months he played the character on stage. Saturday afternoons the audience would be full of children - without fail by the second act, some kid would not be able to stand it anymore, stand up and shout "So where's the rabbit?"

There is another line of dialogue I really like. "Everyday is a beautiful day." This is profoundly true. I believe if we stay true to good intention - every thing works out for the best.

Walking on the beach last week, I found a bronze little lion incense burner that was washed up on the shore full of sand and grimy. It has cleaned up nicely. I bought some incense today. When I meditate at home I will burn it. I like the smell. Found objects are special, it is as though they were meant to be yours.

I also watched Fanny McPhee. I like kid flicks. I like Colin Firth - a winning combo!

Every life has challenges. You are overcoming yours. I will overcome mine. The trick is to keep the right mind set to enjoy the process...



Cheers,

PB

I saw a wonderful article in Real Simple or O or one of those other beauty-shop magazines where they interviewed half a dozen 100-year-olds about their life, their experiences, their wisdom. They've gone through husbands, buried children, survived the Depression and wars, etc.

All their advice basically boiled down the things that a lot of us strive for: 1) don't sweat the small stuff; 2) you can't control what happens to you, but you can control how to respond; 3) anger is a waste of time; 4) don't take it all so seriously.

Similarly, I remember a Gail Sheehy book ("Passages," I think) where she talks about research into centenarians and their longevity. Apparently, a common thread with them is not health habits or wealth or race -- it is that many have a tremendous sense of humor about themselves. They have viewed life as a wonderful roller-coaster to be laughed at and relished. Your husband walk out? Savor the experience, get into it, laugh at yourself, and laugh at him. We're all gonna die in the end -- you, me, midnight, my H, his OW who hates me -- so don't take it all so seriously.

Easier said than done, LOL.

Hi Hoopsie,

What a lovely post! Thank you.

We are ALL on a rental program, the terms of our leases are always subject to change, yet as long as we are "renting" we can still have fun and enjoy the ride. I think as people age, they see their parents die, their friends pass - they know this to be profoundly true. What you know to be true - you live by.

It is windy and cold here today. I am off to the beach, then on to Mom's bearing gifts to take her out for a nice outing. To have fun!

Happy Mother's Day!


Cheers,
PB

PB...

I was up north for the weekend judging a show. It was long, very chilly and had some horses that I would have sworn were some of the best I've seen.

The poor animals were shivering, too.

I was a bit scared to leave.. not sure why. Alot of old feelings came rushing back...but I made it through.

You mentioned a Jimmy Stewart movie. When I was very young, my father had a large black stallion that he had carted back from California. He was the quietest, most gentle creature on this planet and I remember my first rides being astride this gentle soul. His name was Doctor Earl. He can be seen as Jimmey Stewart's mount in the movie entitled "The Cheyenne Social Club".. or wait, he might be Henry Fonda's in that one. Either way, he is the black four-legged star of that movie. Dad rescued him from the usual fate of horses that had become too old to be of service in that industry. He had a permanent lameness issue which prevented him from being too fast or overly animated. He was perfect for the stars who couldn't ride or had fear.
I have many pictures of myself as tiny child with Doc. Maybe I will show them to the ornery QT here and see if he understands that this whole process of getting along "can" happen.

The check was mean, Paradise... Or very stupid. Either word fits right now. May I add more a bit later when I can be kind?

God Bless you, my friend.

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

A gentle Hollywood star for a playmate, what a great memory. I will rent the movie and click on slow motion when he is on the screen - so I can admire his grace and presence. Knowing at that point in time, he had yet to meet the little girl who would still love him long after he had passed.

Putting a picture up of Doctor Earl, might be a great idea for QC - a role model of sorts. We all need them.

"Animals in Translation" by Temple Grandin has a wealth of information on animal psychology. Why they behave the way they do - often out of fear or too much isolation. They are much like people - they have problems adjusting to their challenges just like we do. It is a wonderful book.

Buddhists think animals re-incarnate too! I leave Dharma teachings on for Blue when I go out. "Listen carefully. Develop a compassionate heart. You could come back as a human and have your own dog and take him/her for lots of walks!" His compassion to other dogs needs work. Frankly, he is a toy thief.

I didn't work today. I took the day off and visited with my recovering friend. We lounged on her leather sofas and talked.

She was full of news.

Her neighbors - the couple with the two boys - where the Dad wants to be a woman are in the throes of his change over. He is wearing dresses, taking hormones, speaking in a very high voice.

I saw him leave for work. I am sorry for saying this but he is going to be one ugly woman. His wife stood in the doorway watching him go, looking pale and worn out. She has cut her hair really short. It doesn't suit her.

He must have just an overwhelming compulsion to drive him to change. Particularly a change that will be so difficult and fraught with hurt and social stigma.

People do unusual things.

Another couple we know, who have been married for a very long time have mystery vacations. Once a year the wife takes the husband blind folded to a secret holiday destination. Last year, they went to a nudist resort in the Caribbean. Yikes, I might want to leave the blind fold on! Even thinking about it - creates pictures I don't want in my head!

I saw my OW1 from a distance last week. It looks like she has put on a lot of weight - maybe 20 pounds or more. She has a different body shape. She must be unhappy. There is a Buddhist saying "That all the misery in the world comes from wanting happiness for your self and all the joy in the world comes from wanting happiness for others." It is true.

I am glad you are safely ensconced with your family, dogs, horses and turtles where you belong. Travel has appeal but coming home is what makes it wonderful.

Wishing you happiness...

PB

Journal,

I have created a spread sheet entitled "Midnight Madness" and accounted for the costs to date of Midnight's MLC. I didn't include all the trips because he would have done some normally. It is a growing number.

Eventually, this will all sort out - one way or another. I will be happy. Midnight will be happy hopefully and it will seem a dream. I find good portions of my life seem dream like now. They are past, present only in memory.

My Mom wants me to drive her to all the places she has lived. She is making a list. We will do road trips. Look at old houses. She will walk around them and remember dreams....

````````````````

Just in from a walk with Blue in light sun showers. I look up from my desk and wow there is huge rainbow stretching out over my view. How cool is that! I ran and got my camera.

Journal,

No rainbows today - heavy rain, thunder and lightening. I have had a grim, miserable day on all fronts.

I have been sitting quiet trying to tame my mind. There are no miserable days... only thoughts which label them that way.

My brother and I had a long talk today. He has been checking on my progress - detangling myself from Midnight financially. I am working steadily on it. It is just routine paperwork that somehow ends up being very emotionally draining.

I had to talk to Midnight several times to day - about the check and other issues. I find it difficult talking to him. I say very little. Only what is absolutely necessary. I am sure I sound polite, quiet and resigned.

I would love to go for a long walk. Unfortunately, Blue will not budge an inch from the front door when there is thunder or lightening about.

He and I were almost struck by lightening some years back. It was a spectacular storm, water gushed six feet in the air from the storm sewers. Lightening hit the ground perhaps 40 feet ahead of us. All my hair lifted in the static charge. Blue was some 16 feet ahead of me at full extension on his lead, prancing in the wind - exhilarated. He used to love a good storm. He must have felt the sheer force of it even more.

Now he looks at me like I am crazy for considering going out in such dangerous weather.

There is a wonderful scene in Sense and Sensibility where they are out walking trying to chase some blue sky. There is none to be found here today - only grey skies.

I think I will make tea. Tea always makes everything seem better.

If I still feel whiney after that.. I am going to wash all my floors on my hands and knees. I find washing floors really helpful in sending away all those whiney thoughts. Housework as therapy is underrated.

Somehow, it reminds me of my Nana. She would sit and read in the garden. Nearby she would keep a basin of cold water and face cloth. When we ran to her to ask her things and bother her - she would wash our faces, smiling sweetly. Soon we left her alone. Maybe I can train my pesky whiney thoughts the same way.

Hi,

This news story was posted at fortysixty, by BAM. Very funny...

BALASORE (ORISSA): A man in Orissa has been living on a tree for the last 50 years after quarreling with his wife.

Gayadhar Parida, 83, a resident of Kuligaon village in this district, around 239 km from the state capital Bhubaneswar, left home after he had a quarrel with his wife around 50 years ago.

"We quarrelled over a tiny issue and that is why he left me and promised not to live with me and return home till his death. I have tried a lot and forced him to come back, but he has refused all the time." his wife said.

Since that day, Parida has been living in a makeshift shed on a tree, located half-a-kilometre from his house. The makeshift house, where he has been living is five feet above the ground. While many would consider this dangerous, Gayadhar feels quite safe.

However, Parida claims that this experience has led to his spiritual growth. "I had come to stay in the garden after disturbances with my wife surfaced. But after some days, I felt spiritualism had developed within my body."

According to Parida, he has often spent days and nights on the tree without any food, coming down only to take water from a pond in the garden.

"Earlier, I was staying on a mango tree nearly 15 feet above the ground, but when the tree collapsed in storm I came down and had to prepare a makeshift shed." He also added that many poisonous snakes often pass near him without causing any harm.

While Parida accepts food offered to him by family members, no amount of coaxing has convinced him to leave his "tree house" and live in a conventional home with his family.

Villagers claim that he has neither attended the wedding ceremony of his son, nor his grand daughter's.

He is also said to have braved all hardships and continued to stay in the garden despite the massive cyclone of 1999, which left thousands dead and devastated large parts of the state.

"I have gone to the garden several times to woo him back home, but he vehemently refused to return. Hurt and dejected, I had to come back home. I cried a lot but in vain," said 55-year-old Babula, Parida's only son.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I can't sleep. It is pitch black out. The streets are quiet. The dog is sleeping. Although if I open the fridge door I am sure he will bound out of bed.

I keep trying to view this as a challenge, not to be taken too seriously. You know going into marriage, either you will end up divorced, a widow or the deceased wife. I am glad I am not a widow nor the deceased wife!

I always assumed I would out live him. That I would live in a very tidy little apartment on my own, keeping busy. It was my comforting thought when I was stuck cleaning up after him. "When you're 84 and living in a pin neat place by your self. You will miss the mess”

I do miss the mess. I am not 84.

I find I groan a lot these days. It is a low soft growly groan in the bottom of my throat. I no longer cry, but when out walking or lying in the tub soaking in hot water, or sometimes just sitting, I will groan. Sort of like, yikes, I'm 51, I have been married so long - I don't know how not to be married. This is hard.

On the plus side, I have not been living in a tree for 50 years.

Journal,

Just in from a long beach walk with Blue, we ran into my film making buddy, she and I had a wonderful long talk together. She has been divorced twice. She married individuals with addictions similar in profile to her Dad. She went for counseling on why she kept getting involved with men who hurt her. With a lot of hard work, she lost the preference and has lived for many years with a wonderful, articulate man - who is a great cook and whom she cherishes.

She thinks it will take me 7 years to get over it. With each 7 year period of your life, all the cells in your body replace themselves. Sharing an existence with someone imprints on you at a cellular level. She says that it took that long for her to get over her second husband; the smell of him, knowing what his skin felt like.

Cells do have memories, I remember reading about a middle age woman who received a teen age boy's heart. He loved chicken fingers. She developed constant cravings for chicken fingers and found out later why. It was his heart's wish.

It is a discouraging concept. Made worst by the fact that I know I still love my husband. I have so few adult memories that he is not part of.

She also thinks men are wimps about death. Women are the care givers, the life givers, it is more our providence. Some men lose it when faced with their own mortality. She has seen many MLCs. They are messy and expensive by definition. I grumbled that he seemed so over me. While I was having trouble letting go. She says she doubts it very much. If he was over me there would be no rubbing my nose in it over and over again.

While she was sharing her wonderful insight, one of her three hounds ate a live mouse.

The mouse legs kicking while dangling from the dog's jaws made my stomach shift. The dog thought it was yummy, she chomped it down and then ran up to put her paws on my chest and give me big wet dead mouse smooch. No thanks!

My friend looked grim " For sure she will be sick and I am going to have to clean up dog puke with dead mouse bits in it!" I smiled at her, glad Blue was such a fastidious eater.

Driving home I had a flat tire. I am a 51 year old woman who has never changed a tire. I looked at it with interest, got out my cell phone and very nice young man came in a tow truck to change it for me. I watched carefully.

Waiting for him I sat in the car and thought about my friend’s words. Her counseling taught her that we make our own lives. I believe this. We think things into existence, or allow them to happen to us.

There is a great quote someone emailed yesterday:

"The most splendid future will always depend upon the necessity of releasing the past."

This is true of whatever course you take, working things out together or moving on alone.

Evening Paradise!

Sorry I haven't checked in in a while. Been busy out in the back yard. I think my previous estimate of the projects duration was optimistic to say the least. I could work out there full time for several months to get it where I see it going. I may have to pick my battles this year and get the rest next summer.

Golf has become fun again! Last summer I just did not have the energy or the concentration to play very well and if I can't play up to my own standards it's just not much fun anymore. I'd rather not play than to depress myself about something else. I think most of the change now is because I can hold a thought long enough to get around the course reasonably well. Even if things go poorly I usually manage to regroup and get back on track. That would never have happened this time last year.

I hope your friends estimate of seven years is on the pessimistic side! The blind date has fizzled out on me too. She saw the same thing the Safari girl saw. Too much left over from the EX! I think it's time for duk to go back to just taking care of duk and son for a good long while. Golf, fishing, and trip to S.F. to watch the Giants are all coming up in June. We leave for the Deschutes to go for the week long fishing trip the first week in June. Yes, I have acquired several crab trap buoys to attach to my bag so we can find it if it hits the river again! The guides will appreciate the humor I'm sure! We are also having some shirts made that say "Redside Blues Swim and Salvage Team" just to wear to the river when we meet the guides. We may pay for it later - they do all the cooking! Redside is a reference to the fish in the Deschutes. Redside Rainbow Trout. The "Blues" refers to two things, the first is a song one of our guys came up with after a few too many one night on the river. Stupid, but funny after enough cocktails. The other is a poem a guy in our group wrote a few years ago using the same title and it is a dandy. It describes our anticipation and excitement as the week approaches each year as well as it can be in the written word. We all have it framed and hanging somewhere in our homes.

I hope you took notes on changing the tire! Before I let my daughter ever drive I made her change a tire just for that reason. You need to be able to find the spare, the lug wrench and the jack just in case Murphy's law comes into play once in your life. You can do it too! I'm not saying you need to do it next time, just be a little more prepared "in case". I hope you tipped the poor guy at least!

Have a great weekend and I will check in again soon.

Hey Dukhuntr,

Thanks for your update.

Trips with friends are always wonderful and anticipation is often the best part. How does the poem go?

Speaking of looking forward to time away. I am all packed for a road trip. It is a long weekend here. Blue is wearing a Canada Flag bandana and we are off to celebrate Queen Victoria day! There will be fireworks, hot dogs I am sure somewhere. Blue likes hot dogs. Things to look forward to. I will tell him all about it on the drive up.

I am invited to two cottages and then I will stop in and take Mom to dinner on the way home.

Last week, when we were driving, Mom started to read all the signs we passed. My Dad did that at the very beginning of his decline. Sitting in her driveway after she had gone in, I put my head on the steering wheel for a while - feeling sad. Getting old is not for wussies.

However it is much happier than the alternative!

Wishing you well, happy and a green thumb!

PB