Journal,

Last night I was at a swanky business dinner, I sat with the guest speaker, a sharp quick witted man. Being able to spend time with people who make you think is a gift. Working on my own more of late, I realize how much I miss that kind of interaction. He flies to Dubai and Moscow every month. I was about to envy him when I remembered from my years of business travel that he probably gets to see absolutely nothing but the inside of airport terminals, his hotel rooms and a variety of offices.

Tonight I joined two girlfriends for Indian food. Blue waited on the patio while we drank lassies and ate lamb. He loves lamb preferring his without curried spices.

They went on to a show. Blue and I kicked around, shopped a little. We came home with a new Cesaria Evora CD.

As I move though the crowds, I like to watch people, noticing how they pull themselves together, how they move through space, wearing their thoughts on their faces, how they look and talk to each other. It is like floating in consciousness in a way.

In a book store tonight, I had a lively chat about Bordeaux wines with a gentleman who stopped to pet Blue. He brought over his two daughters and wife to meet Blue and I. His daughters were dressed in tutus. They were adorable. Oh for the days, when you can get up and say I feel like wearing my tutu!

It poured rain on the way home. We did a quick two step all the way back to land in a puddle of dripping clothes, packages and dripping dog in the foyer. I still miss coming home to someone. It is always so quiet when you open the door. No sounds of life.

Midnight no longer occupies my waking thoughts these days. My mind seems to have moved on. My heart is lingering.

I keep reading Brumby’s post over and over again. Sorry to say this, he doesn’t sound like someone you would want to be married to.

Journal

It is just breaking dawn here, there are soft gray shadows appearing in an indigo sky. Blue is snoring at my feet.

I can’t sleep. So I decided to work instead. Now I can’t work. Focusing is hard. I am not sure whether it is my marriage breaking up. Or whether this is the menopausal brain pudding phenomena, I have heard my friends talk about.

I sorely hope it goes away what ever it is. I like to focus.

Yesterday, we visited Mom, took her out for lunch and successfully acquired appropriately padded undergarments! It was hilarious! On the way home, Blue and I walked in a wonderful formal garden that had many dwarf lilac bushes in full bloom. The scent was sublime, a garden after a heavy rain full of lilac, I wish they could put it in a bottle.

The sky is a soft gray blue now. The birds have woken up. I find adapting to single life very lonely at times. Journaling helps. Somehow, voicing one’s thoughts creates company in a way, the semblance of a conversation.

I’ve been thinking of Eibrab’s Help, wondering what he is saying when he squawks so loudly, probably snitching on the Bulldog, telling a tale of abduction, a family lost, terror at being carried by a carnivore with big teeth and oh by the way can I have another bite of that delicious muffin! Perhaps the two of them will bond and clearly show the world that differences are as important as similarities.

Dukhuntr’s garden must be slowly taking form. I hope there are lilacs, irises and pansies galore! All heartache is hard. I pray that his will ebb away like a tide. However, if we were never heart sick, it would be unlikely that we ever loved; pain is the price of admission to the love matinee!

Paradise...

"Chip"... I both like it and hate it.

I'm not one for hating anything, but I must admit that your advice and wish for compassion on my part is a very hard pill to swallow. I've done nothing here...not one word of anger has been directed towards this woman.

I want so much to direct something her way. Her behavior all along warrants it.

It hurts.

My Help is thriving. I had a weekend very busy at a show, where my wonderful son took charge of a small avian creature with a bottomless pit for a stomach. He is almost fully covered with feathers and has nothing useful to say to either bulldog or the elderly corgi who checks in on him.

My son had him in the tortoise pen made of concrete block, where he could hop a bit and not be bothered. He is in for the night. He is a noisey, obnoxious creature whom I really am growing quite fond of.

Funny, isn't it?

I hear him calling even now.

Many Blessings,

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab,

I know well the anger, hurt, humiliation, sense of violation/betrayal and at some level fear that someone can cause you - who seems to be actively trying to destroy what you hold most dear.

Those feelings are so human, so unavoidable in certain situations. They make you suffer. They are excruciating.

Compassion releases you. It protects you. It allows you the freedom to go on with your life unaffected, happy, fully present. It is the surest path to minimizing the effect she has on your life, on your family and on your future.

It is a very hard pill to swallow. Yet it will make YOU feel so much better. It does not matter how badly she behaves, how manipulative, how deceitful, how vicious, how cruel. That is her burden. You can lighten yours. Just let her go, wish her well. She has her own path to find. By hating her you keep her close to your heart and allow her to hurt you more.

The things we think about create our every day reality. If you stop thinking about her - she will cease to exist in your life. Letting go of the negative emotions that connect you to her can best be done through compassion and a determined effort to free your mind of her - period.

Wishing you compassion and the release it will bring you with all my heart...

PB

Journal,

A busy few days, Midnight was on a road trip south of the border somewhere with Amy - incommunicado on no notice which made my life frustrating because I needed his imput on several matters.

At a cocktail reception last night I talked to two women who have been MLCed! Apparently making off with all the wrinkle cream has been done before! They were both able to laugh about it. One designs her ex-husband's new girlfriend's jewelry! Business is business apparently. The point is they were living, breathing, fun having, walking about, examples that show me - it will get much better.

I went on to my Buddhist class. We do visualization exercises. In sports the same principal is used to improve performance. It applies to all human experience or endeavor.

Doing it daily allows you to define in pictures the; who, where, what, how of your life or someone else's life - kind of wishing good things for someone with pictures in your mind.

Thoughts affect our lives and the lives of the people we think about - each thought is a little reality making mechanism. Think positive - life is abundant and joyous. Think negative - misfortune abounds.

Tonight I had dinner with my film making buddy. She is a lively conversationalist, an articulate, well educated, creative, insightful, wise spirit. We laugh alot.

She prompts me to say things without thinking. I hardly ever do that. I always think first. However, those moments of truth where something just blurts out from your most inner self can change your life.

She always leaves me with lots to think about. Again, being with people who make you think is a gift.

Evening Paradise!

Home from the Deschutes dry and all worn out this year! Slow fishing for most of the group, I somehow managed to catch at least as many as usual if not more. Larger fish this year too. Did nothing to endear me to the other seven friends/fishermen. It did mean that the drinks flowed even more than usual. A great trip in every way though. We fished both the Deschutes and the Metolius in central Oregon. Good weather and no glitches this year.

This flower bed stuff is for the birds, all I did all the way home is worry that the kids forgot to water. Must have been a premonition, half wilted and dry upon arrival. You would think that between a 24yr old and a 22yr old they could cope wouldn't you? I have a wide variety of flowers and all are okay now. I know I have snapdragons, marigolds,poppies, petunias, and some I didn't even bother to identify, no pansies or irises that I know of. I just liked the way they looked. We'll get technical when we get a little better at keeping them healthier.

I'm glad to see you talking to Eibrab about compassion and letting go of the negatives. It's so true and and good self therapy too!

Eibrab, I know from experience how hard this living around the OW stuff is. Just imagine how hard it is with my EX still with the OM. Even harder when some well intentioned friend lets you know what they saw recently! I politely tell them never to tell me this stuff anymore, it still hurts a litte for sure. I'm doing the same as you, immerse ourselves in work or play or whatever we can to think a little less each day about the past. In my case it's finally working, I think from the sound of it it works for you too. We all still have a bad day or week, so build on the good days and weeks now.

Have a great day tomorrow all!

Hi Dukhuntr,

I am glad you are home safe. Somehow, being part of nature brings you back to who and what you really are - a part of nature. Time with friends, simply spent days, surrounded by God's beauty in still moments of wonder, a great deal even without the fish!

Gardening seems to be getting in your blood. Worry and preoccupation forewarn of nights of passion fueling dreams of water features, waterfalls, rock gardens!. No more nightmares of the ex that leave you clenched with rage - just visions of lily pads and fat gold fish swirling around, lazing in the sun looking up at you with bold eyes saying "Yo Dad, where is dinner?"

Letting go of the past and living in the present mindful of each moment is so much easier to say than do. I try very hard and often fail. Late at night, I switch from trying to sleep, to puttering, to just accepting that every room feels lonely because I feel lonely.

I picked up a gratitude rock today on the beach. I was watching a film called the Secret (hoaky but many vaild thoughts), there was an example shown of how being grateful is important to understanding the potential in your life. So now I carry around a lovely black granite pebble in my pocket or bag. Whenever, I touch it I remember to say a prayer of thanks. We can make ourselves so unhappy if we don’t focus on how much we have to be happy about. Gardens, nongarden watering children, a dog named Jamie and friends who fish without complaining when you reel in the big ones!

Sending you happy thoughts..

PB

Journal,

Just in from a dinner party, at a friend of a friend's home, on a summer night with velvet breezes. There is a big pizza pie moon hanging close to the horizon like a child’s toy.

She lives in a part of town I don't know well. Blue and I enjoyed a pre-dinner walk, following in the wake of his bouncing trot, ramrod straight tail, I wondered what he was thinking. There are moments when I can guess and moments of mystery.

She made very yummy ribs, we talked, drank wine, laughed and I am embarrassed to say, I fell asleep! I have had a very tiring, stressful two weeks, the food, the wine, and the very comfy sofa knocked me out. My two girlfriends threw a throw over me and just continued to chat. Sleeping surrounded by the sounds of soft conversation - is comforting. It reminded me of when I was young and would fall asleep to the sound of my parents chatting.

I slept for perhaps an hour, Blue crawled on top of me and commenced a face wash as though to say, “Mom, you’re being rude, wake up and be sociable.” We did coffee, desert, more conversation, photo albums, toyed with the idea of scrabble but decided it was too late. The night passed quickly. The hostess is older than I am by 18 years; she has been married for 48 years. She thinks marriage gets harder as time passes because you gradually change as time cumulates the changes cumulate too.

A simple thing, spending time with friends. Without question, invariably the best part of my day.

Journal,

Blue and I are just in from a walk by the yacht basin, a big huge yellow moon hung precariously low in the sky, the air smelled of summer.

My single life is starting to agree me. I have been out enjoying myself with nary a hurt thought in the mix.

It was a great weekend.

Yesterday after brunch with friends, we went to a psychic fair charity event, kind of silly, but fun. My tarot card reader was a professor of communication at a local college in real life, he was charming. I am to meet a sensual, exotic passionate male within either 10 weeks or 10 months. Getting the timing right apparently is tough.

It made me laugh. I will diarize that one!

Life goes on... As Nana would say it is always what you make it.

I stopped in to see Mom today. She is looking very frail, but sporting her new summer duds, with undergarments that render a fetching profile, pleased with the overall effect and smiling her same old smile...

In yoga and Buddhism, smiling is a practice. You make yourself smile whether or not you feel like it and in turn it lifts your mood/spirit.

My view of the world has been changing. Now to me it seems a much stranger, more magical place than I ever imagined. There is always something to smile about.

Evening Paradise,

Not having the best of weeks here. The man that they are looking for in connection with the shooting of a Judge here in Reno has been a friend of mine since Little League. They also just came out and said they found his soon to be EX dead in his garage. I feel terrible just thinking about it. I remember those kinds of thoughts from a year ago and it makes me feel guilty now just remembering my thoughts.

Thinking about inflicting such pain and suffering and actually doing it are light years apart but it really hits home when you know someone who has gone over the edge. I hope he finds peace soon before he hurts anyone else. Darren was a gifted athlete and very bright individual. I would never have believed he could lose it in the way he apparently has. My hunch is that he is down at our duck club pondering his own fate. I know he will not allow himself to be tried and convicted. I just pray he doesn't hurt anyone else from here on out.

This is bothering me so much I have made an appointment to start therapy again. I thought I was coping well lately, but I didn't sleep much last night and I can't get my mind off of what has happened so back I go. I did have a nice conversation with DD about all of this and I managed to thank her again for being there for me when I needed her and keeping me from doing something stupid like this myself. Her response was to remind me that Darren's kids are now orphans just like DD and DS would have been if I had become so overwraught. She is angry at Darren for this reason alone. The children deserve to have their parents, both of them.

Sleep well we could be in a much worse place as this proves so clearly! Give Blue an extra treat for me tonight.

Duk

Journal,

Mom was off to get a pedicure this morning and took a tumble. She was rushed by ambulance to the hospital. They called Midnight first, he gave them my cell number. I've spent the day and evening in the emergency ward. Blue lazed in the shade in the car with frequent walks and many drinks of water.

She is home now. Bruises every where but nothing was broken. I offered to bring her home with me. She declined. She didn't want to be under foot. I set up a respite room at a near by retirement home. She considered it but in the end just wanted a grilled cheese sandwich and her own bed. I will check on her tomorrow.

She is a very independent strong woman trapped in frail little body. She had a cute doctor. She teased him. Her flirty humor was fully intact. I could learn a thing or two from my mother. She still has what can only be described as feminine wiles!

I thought Midnight would call to see how she was. The hospital told him about the fall and that she conscious but nothing else. It is what friends do. He hasn't called. He doesn't care about her or me and it hurts. I had a lump in my throat and teary eyes the entire drive home.

Part of my heart has this vague hope that he will snap out of it. The sweet attentive man I married will come home, make a huge bowl of popcorn, turn on the Star Trek reruns and start teasing the dog.

He won't be.

Duk...

I'm speechless. May we thank God, your family and Paradise here for the strength that seperates you from Darren.

I have struggles of my own. We all do. We all understand desperation. Many prayers...many.

Eibrab

Yowser Dukhuntr,

What a horrible mess.

I will light candles and do a ton glen practice for him, his family and those he has harmed tonight before I go to sleep.

It makes you realize how lucky you are to have such a quick thinking daughter. There are moments when anyone can lose it completely; you don't realize it until life happens to take you there.

Any benefit to letting the police know you suspect where he might be? They may be able to get there before he does himself harm.

Scary isn't it. How in a moment, lives are shattered, a persona transformed from smart well liked father to mad man.

Sending you sympathy...

PB

Evening Guys,

Well if the newspaper has their facts straight I have really lost touch with who my friend Darren is. According to our paper today he was using "aggressive legal manuvers" ie. bankruptcy to freeze out his the soon to be EX in addition to regularly participating in swingers conventions with the woman of the day. Not the person I remember and not someone to spend too much time worrying about. I haven't seen much of him in the last couple of years with all of my stuff going on so this comes as a bit of a shock.

Thanks for the support and for thinking and praying for him and those he has hurt. I hope he has calmed down and can see a way to find peace for himself. If the stories are correct I fear for anyone who confronts him. Hopefully he finds a hole and climbs in until rationality reappears in his life.

Have a pleasant night and think positive thoughts for a peaceful ending to this nightmare.

Paradise...

I am so very sorry that I neglected to ask about your Mother. I must have missed that post.

I also missed your sadness in the revelation of it all. I am so sorry my dear friend. If I could offer you a positive thought... it is that I have found that most dogs adore popcorn, too.

My Help is doing well. He flies and returns to an open cage. He is an extreme nuisance and we love him.

I have been thinking very often of your advice regarding the "Chip" in my life. I'd like to vent... I'd like to try. Sometimes I fear the lack of composure..

I go to bed tonight with prayers for a speedy recovery for your Mother as well as being most thankful that all emergency room doctors must be handsome. It would be no fun to be physically miserable and have to look at scenery that was strictly common. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Many Blessings,

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab,

An open cage could be just other words for home. I can picture him fluttering here and there while being loud and bossy. A kind of male thing to do!

Mom is well. She is a trooper who never complains. I have scolded her for not wearing flat shoes. Heels are not shoes for octogenarians. She begs to differ!

I think I am mourning my marriage in layers of suspended disbelief. As each peels away a deeper layer of acceptance emerges. It leaves me feeling raw, vulnerable, alone and bewildered. Surely it cannot be the same man! How could someone change that much?

I think you want the Chip out of your life, which means you have to stop thinking about her, so much easier said than done.

Compassion works like brain relaxer. For example, say you are gripping a glass shard so tightly it is cutting your hand. Your fingers have locked up and you cannot move them. It hurts. Compassion lets everything go with a blessing. Your fingers relax you drop the glass. It stops hurting.

When dealing with the OW you need to drop the glass. OWs invariably get hurt too. It is the nature of situation. Let go of the anger, hurt, pain, hate, prejudice; all the things that act like jagged little edges in your mind. Give yourself the peace of mind you deserve. Only you can do it.

Blue and I will be rooting for you.

PB

PS He loves popcorn. If there was a doggie popcorn catching league, he would make first draft!

Hey Dukhuntr,

You sound much better tonight. Over the fear, of what might have happened, triggered by your poor friend's tragic horror. I said another prayer for him tonight, so sick, so lost.

By contrast, your life must seem blessed. Your children, your home, your job, your dog - all there for you to enjoy, not tossed away in a hailstorm of emotion.

How is the garden coming? I like the idea of you puttering, planting, carefully watering tender young plants. Gardening is calming. It gives back.

Sleep well. Take a break from the newspapers. They are umhappy reading at the best of times.

Cheers,

PB

Journal,

I was out with a friend to see the DaVinci Code tonight. It was entertaining. I found the book quite readable. I brought it to Cuba with me. My brother borrowed it. He is a book snob. I teased him about enjoying it. He couldn't put it down!

We walked for a bit afterwards nursing coffees. She chatted about her life. I am good listener, my role by choice. I wonder where we would all be if there were no friends to pour our hearts out to. They are the gate way to reason, love, acceptance, understanding.

The Buddhists think we are fundamentally one. So you can't be alone really - metaphysically speaking. When I turn my key in the door, and my voice echoes greetings to only the dog. It sure feels alone.

I am going to bed early tonight. After a hot bath, I will curl up with a new book. How Dogs Think, by Stanley Coren. Blue will stretch out beside me back to back, and drool slightly on my pillow. I will read interesting tid bits to him and he will say very little.

He is sitting here, whining/yowling loudly, his chest heaving and his face distraught with untold sorrow. He wants to play. Only a rousing game of who has the slipper will do!

Journal,

Blue and I are packed for an impromptu road trip. I returned a call early this morning and was invited up to a friend's cottage. Not a second passed before I said yes. We are having a fine sunny summer weekend. I have great music packed. It should be a fun trip.

Wishing everyone well and happy...

PB

Evening Paradise,

It's good to hear you taking advantage of every opportunity to enjoy your friends. I should have known you of all people would have a tremendous support system of friends to count on. Take advantage of every offer like this, good times with good friends are a treasure and should always be enjoyed if possible.

I just returned from a Father's Day weekend with my kids and my parents, camping in the Sierra's. We had a feast last night and then spent the evening talking and enjoying a moonless star filled sky around a warming campfire. Safari Girl was there too. Her sister and her sister's fiance camp in the same place and they came over and joined us at the campfire. Today I took my daughter out fishing and we caught several large trout. Her boyfriend was catching all the fish and Jessica would not let us quit until she had caught at least as many and preferably the biggest too! She did it in the last few minutes. 4lbs of trout and a really big smile! The best present she could have given me today!

I hope your trip was as enjoyable as mine and that you made a lasting memory for youself that was as positive as mine. I will be doing it again Friday when we leave to watch three nights of Giant's baseball in San Francisco. Old friends, Giant's baseball, rooms on Union Square, and so many bars! I just hope I do have memories after the trip and not just a bad hangover!


Have a great week! You too Eibrab! Get to writing some more, I am still wondering how the turtle stud farm is working out.

Duk