Eh Dukhuntr,

It sounds like you had a fabulous weekend! Fishing, camping, eating, drinking, chatting- with family and friends in fine weather - the kind of memories that are life's most precious currency. Particularly to be treasured now because they give you a glimpse of your life going forward that is not cast in the shadow of loss.

Safari Girl seems to share all your interests and she goes to all the places you go to. Hmmmmm! If it is co-incidence – it is a telling co-incidence!

San Francisco will be wonderful too. I particularly liked Telegraph Hill with its spectacular view and peaceful feel. It is a great walking town if you have the legs for the hills!

Blue and I enjoyed our cottage visit this week end immensely. The weather was superb. We went for boat rides, sat on the dock, swam, eat great grilled steak, talked, and sipped very smooth rum and lovely red wine.

The only tiny, tiny, tiny drawback was I was visiting the couple where the husband is learning guitar. He is the same chap that cleared out my chalet living room in less than four minutes last winter. I bit the entire inside of my cheek - in an effort not to start giggling at his cat tail caught in a door caterwauling. It was more difficult this time around because my discipline and self control dramatically diminish after two rum and cokes.

I think his wife must truly love him. She sits with a happy smile, tapping her toe to his screechy wailing with no hint that she is finding it painful. To not find his playing and worst yet his singing excruciating - would require being stone deaf. She is not deaf.

She did retire early and I hastily agreed that all the fresh air was making me sleepy too. We left him, looking crestfallen and disappointed that he no longer had a willing audience.

Friends are a treasure – even when they are off key!

Cheers,

PB

Hey Paradise,

My only thought after reading that was that a good friend would buy him a harmonica too!!!!

Glad to hear you had a good time even if your auditory senses were assaulted. It is weird how Safari Girl fits in so well isn't it? I just wish she were as interested as I was. She seemed much more at ease with me this weekend and I even gave her a ride up and back to the Lake because her sister does not come thru town on the way. So maybe there is a glimmer of interest there. I may have been the problem before. I was pushing for more than she was willing to give in terms of time and intimacy. Maybe a three month break did some good for both of us. We fished together too and she seemed to have a good time so we'll just have to wait and see I guess.

I dated a gal recently and I now have a sense for how it feels to have someone cling a little more tightly than you are ready for. My son calls her "the stalker" already and leaves the house when she shows up unannounced only to call me to come do something with him to get me away from her. Mind you I have only gone out with her twice on "dates". Not a pleasant experience for sure. A nice gal but she is going thru a rough time in her life and sees me as a safe haven and solution to her issues. I am trying to back out as nicely as possible but it is proving very difficult to break away in this manner.

Hi Dukhuntr,

Funny, Saturday night sitting in their screened in porch, I had that very thought. I wonder if a harmonica would lessen the torture! In the end I decided I could not willingly be party to offering even the most modest musical encouragement to someone who should simply "...step back from the guitar."

Trusting your heart to someone who has just had a very long term marriage end badly - is a risky proposition. I do not blame Safari Girl for wanting to move slowly. Still there does seem to be interest on her part. Otherwise you would not keep running into her. I would be confident and friendly but give her lots of space.

It is a lovely summer night here. Blue and I are just in from our before bed stroll. The streets are alive with people enjoying the balmy weather.

Mondays are dharma nights. I always come away in a more relaxed frame of mind.

It is amazing how we manage to fill our thoughts with worry. We worry when we do have things. We worry when they are taken away. We worry. Walking tonight, I decided not to worry anymore. It just keeps your brain so busy it stops focusing on the big important questions.

Like what game do Blue and I play before bed... indoor soccer anyone?

Wishing you well and happy...

PB

Hi Paradise,

You are both wise and funny! "Step back" had me in hysterics! Maybe you and some of your more musically inclined friends should do an "intervention" in the name of musical appreciation for the neighbors. Burn his guitar for music lovers everywhere. Hang his pictures in music shops around town with a warning attached not to enable his misguided efforts ever again. No sense only doing something half hearted is there?

You are 100% spot on about worry. Worry never solved anything. All it does is cloud judgement and create doubt and insecurity.

My biggest worry now is how to kill the little bugs that seem resistent to commercial sprays for flowers. Some nasty little bugs are getting to my flower barrels and ruining my handiwork! I have tried everything to the point I worry the cure is doing the damage. A mystery is afoot for sure. One plant is fine and her next door neighbor looks like leftover chop-suey. Green still, but half eaten and semi-digested. Other than that I have been amazed by the results so far. Even plants left over from several years ago and untended for two years are blooming. I had to have DD come over and identify what it was she planted before she moved out.

Simple things provide so much pleasure and occupy a deranged mind for countless hours of thoughtless bliss. I would have never believed it before that I could enjoy this so much. I even wonder now what my neighbors and my daughter think when I cut a small bouquet from the yard and deliver them to be enjoyed by others. I'd be willing to bet they think I have completely lost it!!! Not typical Duk behavior.

Speaking of what the neighbors are thinking, I can only imagine yours are wondering every night as you and Blue end the day. WHAT IS THE CRAZY WOMAN NEXT DOOR DOING NOW????? They are probably worried about poor Blue's safety and well being. But what do they know, right! Have a great day tomorrow and "no worries mate" will be the thought for the day.

Hey Dukhuntr,

Just in from a nice night out. I had dinner with my film making buddy tonight. We are doing Tuesday night dinner together. Tonight we had seaweed salad with lotus sprouts! It was yummy!

She has been caring for a life long girl friend (Mimi) who has cancer and will probably die before the end of the summer. Mimi is 54 and has been a doctor for 25 years. Eight of her women friends basically organize her life and structure her care by way of a complicated schedule of tasks and responsibilities.

Women friends are awesome!

I will do a ton glen practice for her before I go to bed. It will be very tough on her friends when she goes. They love her dearly.

Blue and I picked up some movies on the way home. Two dog flicks - Eight Below and Quill. Blue likes a good dog story. He sat quiet all through dinner and deserved the treat.

One of my friends with a magnificent often photographed and televised garden: says there is nothing else in the world that makes her feel more accomplished or smart. Even though she thinks the plants do all the work really and she just gets the credit for it. It still leaves her breathless, that she has a hand in something that is so miraculous.

There would be gardening clubs in your town no doubt full of countless nice accomplished women. They may even be able to debug your garden.

Romance and aphids! It could work!

Wishing you well and happy!

PB

Hey Paradise,

Just in from the Reno Rodeo. My friends bought the Presidents box tonight on family night and invited me. 12 of us sat directly above the chutes and it was magnificent to see!

The power of the animals is beyond belief and free booze and food all night goes a long way too!!!!! Did I mention the Jack Daniels girls? What a night of absolute fun. My son took us over and brought us home thank goodness. No way any of us was driving.

Don't mention the word aphids, I hate those pests!!!! Barely able to see them anymore and they cause so much damage for such little critters. Well it's off to bed for Duk. I still have to work tomorrow and right now I am doubting if I can make it. Way too much to drink and too excited to go right to bed. I hope my spelling is okay I am not going to edit tonight in any way shape or form.

I thought of Eibrab with evry ride during the saddle bronc contest and the bareback competition. Rough looking stock but so athletic! Just drunk enough to think I could do that just once! I bounce well if lubricated well enough!!!!!!

PLeasant dreams!

Hey Dukhunter,

Chute seats at the rodeo, flitting to San Francisco for the weekend, camping under the Sierra sky, your life has been on the upswing lately! It sounds like you had a great time even without the Jack Daniels girls!

Having fun is good for the soul, it lifts you up, makes you better company, healthier. When you are having fun, you know you are doing something right.

I am really happy to hear fun in your posts.

I had fun tonight too. I am on social whirl these days. I don't have a free evening till this time next week. Today I booked off early and spent some time lazing around a pool with two of my oldest friends, we made minty summer cocktails, snacked, talked, laughed a lot and swam for about an hour. Later over dinner at a very, very fine bistro we laughed more. Blue peered in the window at us, wondering what was so funny.

We have long hard winters up here. When the weather is this nice, it is like magic is happening, velvety warm breezes laden with the scent of flowers - awesome. I look down at my sandals and painted toes and can’t remember wearing thick boots and struggling through heavy snow.

Wishing you fun... and the good sense to stay off those rodeo broncos!

PB

Hi Paradise,

Sounds like you are having fun your own self. Amazing thing, the human spirit isn't it. It can weather just about any storm if given the time and space to do so.

I feel free, happy and comfortable most days now. A far cry from a year ago this time. That is not to say I still don't think about her or what went on. As a matter of fact I spent a good portion of today thinking about the A and it's aftermath. Post binge depression I guess. It passes fairly quickly now thank god! Too many things to see and do yet for this dukhuntr. And new and old friends to talk to and play with. I feel fortunate now that I did rush thru the D. Holding off would have only served to prolong the agony I think.

Enjoy the weather and the good company you are keeping. Have a mimosa for me while you are at it. I will be sure to hoist some sort of libation in your honor at Lefty O'Douls in the city while I am there. Give Blue a hug for me tonight.

Duk

Hey Dukhuntr,

Thanks for your encouragement. It does get better as the months roll by doesn't it. Perspective returns. A new normal emerges.

Right now I suspect you are on your way to San Francisco!
I will be looking for a happy update on your trip!

Enjoy!

Cheers

PB

Journal,

It is perhaps an hour from dawn, and I can't sleep. Every once and awhile, somehow sleep just doesn't happen.

Midnight has Blue this weekend. I miss the dog terribly, getting comfortable without my furry, snorting, snoring, four paws in the air, pal was impossible tonight.

The weekend was upbeat, a nice lively dinner party, a quick trip out of town for a sleep over at a friend’s, a fabulous garden tour plus a lovely leisurely outdoor backyard lunch. It was great. I met several new couples I really liked. My friends are all couples. I know few singles. I am the odd plate these days.

At lunch we told jokes, my favorite was:

"What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything!"

One of my friends said to me. “It is funny. Some people you will meet and then careen off like a pinball never to see or hear from again. While others meld into your existence till they are at your very core interwoven into your memories, character, family, hopes, dreams, heart aches. Over decades friendship mellows into kinship when you are extraordinarily lucky. “

I am extraordinarily lucky.

Journal,

These were posted over on forty sity... by q mom 2 and new outlook. Very funny...


A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good
explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the ****** was
that for?"



She replied, "Your horse called."




15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry,
Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

8. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

13. Your friends love you anyway.

14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

15. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Good Morning Paradise!

A great weekend by all accounts. Two great baseball games and one mediocre one. The trip went perfectly. Good to great weather and some great friends to enjoy it with. I even made a new friend during the trip. Hillary from Virginia was at our hotel for a business conference by herself and we semi-adopted her for the weekend. Bar hopping, meals and everything but the baseball. She didn't have time to go to the games. Gave us some excuse about having to do a presentation and had to WORK!

Glad to hear your weekend went well to. You seem to be emerging as a regular social butterfly. Couldn't happen to a better person. Keep after it you deserve to be happy and vibrant. I will elaborate more tonight, work today is a struggle.

Duk

Hey PB,

I have been struggling with my moods lately and spending a lot of time thinking about my EX. I'm not sure exactly why but I think I have finally come to the point in my own life where I don't want her back. I never thought I could say this but I think it is what is making me so irritable.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I have lived the last 15 month's thinking I would somehow and in someway have an opportunity to show her how much she meant to me and that I really did want her back. Now I am sure I do not, at least not the person she has become. I know it would take more than she has ever shown herself capable of to confront the issues we have to face to start over. Given her family and their own issues I just don't see this ever happening.

I think all of my issues lately are due to grieving over something I didn't ever get a chance to address with her. Not being able to communicate between the two of us started way back when she chose to hide the fact that her brother had comitted the credit card fraud on us, in addition to everyone else close to him, including his 90yr old Grandmother. Once she started down this path of deception no matter how well intended it spiraled out of control. You really can't have deep and meaningful conversations if you are afraid of letting something slip that will let a secret out of the bag.

So why does this make me feel so bad? Am I a failure for giving up completely? Do I owe her more than this? Do I owe my kids a better effort to put our family back together? At this point I feel I owe myself some peace of mind and a fresh start on a life on my own. I think this is making me feel guilty in some way and I don't care for the feeeling at all.

You have listened to me for almost a year now, what do you see in my thinking(or lack thereof)?

PB and Duk...

I want so much to chat about Duk's rodeo, and all of the goings-on with Paradise. I never miss a day.

BTW, Duk... I have over 470 Andy Pettitte cards.. plus one Roy Oswalt.

I have discovered recently some new lies and renewed contact between my H and the MOW. I have been less than able to type..

May I ask for strength and prayer ? Prayer in any and all religion. He has suggested that I move on. He simply told me that "I" am the unhappy one.

It's hard. I've tried very hard.

God Bless you all.

Eibrab

Duk and Eibrab,

Yowser! Two huge posts to think on.

Sorry, Duk, I have been caught up with work stuff and am now on my way to a function.

Eibrab, I will be praying for your strength ever constant within you to give you faith, starting now...

Please remember the same portion of our brains lights up with both sexual attraction/infatuation as does with crack cocaine. No small wonder - it makes people do and say CRAZY. Remember that he is no different than an addict feeding a chemical habit. Keep your cool.

You have tried too hard and too long to lose your family now.

Do not take him seriously!

Selling up and moving should be taken seriously. We didn't and it was a mistake!

Dry your eyes sweetie.... you have some serious cool chick stuff to do. Take those bulldogs for a long bow legged waddle and remember how wonderful you are. Your dogs know it. Your children know it. Your horses know it. Your turtles know it. Help knows it! There is no question in my mind that somewhere, in your hubby's addled brain, he knows it too. What ever he says right now does not relate to you! It relates to only his trying to cope with an irrational destructive addiction.

I will be back a bit later.

PB

Well i do not feel alone sorry we all have to find this crap out i have been together for nine yrs and my spouse went las vegas to find this bum then she lie to me when i found a small note then i found a email letter and boom i lost it i email that letter to all her family and a friend and paster and im being blame because because of my anger in our relationship.
the worest part is our kids thier acting out and they miss daddy alot. i miss them and my spouse because i love her so much and she would not help me out with my problems.
now we are apart and its sucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab,

I feel even worse now! Here I am complaining about feeling guilty and you have all of this going on. I will do a little wishful and positive thinking for you too. Vent here and let us help you if you get the time. I will be here until Saturday morning and then gone fishing until Tuesday night. I will be checking in regularly so if you want to converse fire away.

I seriously hope you are not a Yankee fan! Pettite and Oswalt are great players when in the proper uniforms-- anything except pinstripes!!! I PERSONALLY DETEST THE YANKEES! My Giants did okay for the weekend but lost a series to the A's at home. Missed catching a Bonds homerun by 10ft, could have contended for it but it was Saturday hangover day in the centerfield bleachers. Nobody was moving fast enough to give chase. None of us are that fond of Bonds anyway. My friend Mark was really bad Friday night. He got out of bed and went to the bathroom around 3:00am(an hour after we came in) and when he reached down to flush he realized he was in the hallway, not the bathroom. After several minutes of frantic knocking I finally heard him and let him in. He will be hearing about that one for a long time!

Being the Nevada rednecks we are, it was a learning experience for us in the Bay area this weekend. Sunday was the Gay Pride Parade. Us good'ole boys are not accustomed to alternate relationships being so prominately and outrageously displayed. I thought Mark was going to have a seizure in the bar on Saturday night when the most spectacularly dressed queen I have ever seen came in and sat down next to us. I thought it was hilarious. I don't have any hangups or fears myself, but Mark's facial expressions were worth the trip all by themselves!

I will be using PB's positive thought process for you all week!! Think positive yourself!!!!

Hi Had1,

I am so sorry you are here. It is a miserable thing to go through. You are definitely in the right place for help and advice. Many posters on this site have successfully overcome infidelity.

There is much more traffic on the General Question II forum, posting your circumstance there will allow you to solicit help from a broader spectrum of experience.

I would read everything on this site as a starter. The Harley books are a good beginning point.

Anger is the toughest part of dealing with this challenge. You will be in my prayers.

PB

Hi Duk,

Detaching is how humans survive loss. I would not feel guilty about it. I would keep clear of your wife as much as humanly possible. A strong Plan B will enhance the possibility of you keeping a more positive perspective on her and the relationship you shared. Positive is just so much easier than negative. Negative is brutally difficult, it warps you in painful ways that make life less.

You friend's hallway escapade brought to mind a favorite story of mine that I think epitomizes gracious hospitality.

A friend of ours, was in the Buffalo area for a sailing regatta. He was staying with a nice couple in their lovely home from the Buffalo yacht club. He had met the husband but had gone to sleep before the wife came home late from a business trip.

She awoke in the middle of the night to find him nude, standing near the foot of her bed, peeing on the shoes in her closet! She quietly awoke her husband and they guided my friend back to bed. Never mentioning it again! "Darling who is that naked man peeing on my shoes?"

I am so glad you enjoyed San Francisco. I really liked it too. We spent a wonderful day in Sonoma County touring vineyards. I have a denim apron to prove it. It was like a little piece of heaven on earth!

Sweet Dreams..

PB

Dear Eibrab,

I have had a busy night, throughout the mingling, sipping wine and general business and market chatter - you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

The truth that I can offer you that I am most confident in: is that relationships that are based on deceit are never happy or healthy. Nor do they tend to last. Honesty is the basis for understanding. Without it there is only confusion and delusion.

The deceit, lies, destructive MOW contact, defensive criticism of you - just shows how confused he is. He is a CHIP! He wants more than he can have and runs the danger of losing everything.

Frankly - men in this state are pernicious, irksome and rather loathsome and entirely not worth listening too. So don’t listen.

If he refuses to commit to his family and marriage, then I think you need to cobble out a Plan B of sorts given your circumstances. Do not leave the family home. Seek legal counsel right away. Know your options. Do not make it easy. I made it very easy for Midnight to go because I could not bear the thought of being with someone who didn’t want to be with me. A silly attitude – when in fact men in this state are too crazy to know what they want. It is really like dealing with some one with mental illness you have to protect them from themselves! They are in self destruct mode.

I will be praying, and visualizing you as a strong, patient, wise, funny, understanding, accomplished beautiful superb rider astride an untrusty steed whose happy marriage is just around the bend in the road.

I would suggest you visualize him as a recalcitrant, unkind, knock kneed, sag backed, slow witted, donkey eared, goony horse… that has shown potential!

Often it is the rider not the horse that wins the race!

PB