((( Eibrarb )))

You are scared honey, and I do not blame you one bit for that. Can you talk with your FWH and get some comfort from him regarding this ? If not.. you will have to pull it up from yourself and face it head on.

I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Please continue to write here.

Duk and PB have the wisdom to see you through this.

Bless you, bless you - bless you

Carnation

Hey Eibrab,

Blue and I had dinner in the park tonight, I enjoyed a $5 scoop of lemon gelato "mindfully" and he had liver bits. I was thinking of you.

When we endure pain and loss - parts of us I think go numb and parts of us can't believe it happened.

Acceptance comes in layers over time.

I lost a brother in his early 30s, I remember it hit me like a ton of bricks 2 years later. I was standing in a cashier line up holding a shirt I had absently mindedly picked out for him as a Christmas gift. It was his colour. When I suddenly remembered he was dead and I could no longer buy him gifts. I started sobbing uncontrollably, on the verge of hysteria because finally every layer of me knew - he was gone.

Loss is like that - it hard to get your mind around it.

One of the great things about Hanh's book is that his breathing technique brings at least part of your mind into the present - focused on your breath - on now. It splits your attention and because your attention is divided, in a way it lessens your ability to feed the anger or hurt.

Every thing we are upset about usually happened in the past.

Remember it is past. It is over. We constantly let our concerns over the past and our worries for the future rob of us of the only thing we really have - the now - this moment.

Your husband made a mistake. The MOW made a mistake. We all make mistakes. Sadly, yes, it is impossible to know for sure that it won't happen again. Or to know for certain that they have both learned from the pain though I am confident that in some measure it would be very hard not too.

It is possible to know for sure that you will NEVER EVER get to ENJOY THIS MOMENT again. It will never come back...

I would not worry about feeling clogged. Your heart and mind are dealing with a lot! Simply be.... breathe.... smile... Know there are many who care... Gelato anyone?

Sending you delicious thoughts….

PB

Journal,

It is a beautiful summer night here, the kind where the air feels flower petal soft.

Tonight, I enjoyed a leisurely dinner with six friends/former colleagues, we laughed, talked and changed our seating so much it confused the wait staff, then went on to see “The Devil Wears Prada”.

The story line is weak but Meryl Streep absolutely nails her character. With understated acerbic charm, garbed in wonderful clothes and shoes, she was riveting.

I find it easier when I go out a lot even though there are many things I need to get done, going out helps. Blue is use to our heavy social calendar. He knows the routine, so many hours sitting by Mom’s desk then it is on to see someone. He knows my friends by name and will wag his tail when I tell him our plans.

Midnight has been gone one year as of yesterday, I find I am still surprised, wide eyed, wondering, out of kilter…

I first met Midnight in 1973. We became instant friends. It feels so very odd not to think of him as a friend anymore, rather, sadly, as someone I should stay away from.

At the outset, I thought I would wait for a year before coming to any conclusions. I find now I may post pone longer still because I simply don’t know what I want. There is little to suggest that he does either.

I will focus on the scale of decision making I can handle right now. Do I go with Restoration Hardware’s Butter a soft yellow shade of paint for the kitchen or the richer Saffron? A trivial choice easy to remedy if you get it wrong unlike divorce.

Journal,

So many sad heart rendering situations show up in this forum. I find myself reluctant to post comments. I am not confident I have the answers. I sincerely wish I did and instead say silent prayers to one who does.

The questions I have pretty much down pat. Why? Why? Why do people throw away their lives? Entangling themselves in sordid affairs with neighbours or friends, shredding their family life, hurting those who love them.

I can make no sense of it.

I guess that is the point. There is no sense in it.

((( PB )))

Please try not to dwell on the one year thing. It is only another day.... sigh....

You do know how much stronger you are now and how much you have learned, grown - right ? You have looked inward and outward through all this and found alot.. alot

I agree with you... when you don't know what to do - don't do anything. It'll come to you.

And re divorce.... it is only a piece of paper, a decision by a court... nothing really in the whole scheme of things.

I have given this a lot of thought.. and I too do not know why.... does Midnight ???

Oh, and I would go with the richer color.... like they say ~ live out loud

Sincerely, carnation

Every thing we are upset about usually happened in the past.

Remember it is past. It is over.

[/quote]


Thanks for posting this. It is so true and I am going to write it on the board in my kitchen today !!

You are such a jewel

Carnation

Hey Carnation,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and good ideas. I will opt for saffron because I love the term "live loud"...

It is a scorcher here today, I had planned to take Mom out for the day instead we postponed for cooler weather. Blue and I are just in from a quick walk to a local market.

We sat and had breakfast out, sharing a table with a lovely family group on a shopping outing - three generations of women. The grandmother a cutie in her 80s attracted the attention of another fine looking octogenarian; he asked if he could make her smile. She said yes and he did by paying her a lovely compliment then politely bid her good day. Her grand daughters griped about how annoying it was to have to deal with all the men who wanted to hit on Nana!

Very cute.

We are tackling the kitchen ceiling today. The term we, is stretching it. Blue does little but yawn and sleep under the table. There is a slender streak of yellow in his tail these days - purely accidental not deliberate. While though I threaten to tie a paint brush to it - he is confident I won't.

At my favourite book store this morning, I browsed through a book of Indian wise men sayings. "There is nothing in the universe that is not connected to everything else" So true. I am happy we share that connection.

Blue is sitting here with a big smile on his face as though he agrees.. or is the fact that I just took a large t-bone steak out of the freezer!

Enjoy your day!

Cheers,

PB

Eibrab,

I was browsing through Michele Weiner Davis' divorcebusters website, http://www.divorcebusting.com last night and I came across a book that looked like it might have merit premised on the idea that understanding why we are miserable doesn't make us happier. While adopting concrete behaviours that lessen the misery does.

I took a quick look at the first chapter. "How to Change Your Life and Everyone in It", basically suggests that we all already have a pretty good idea of what we need to do to be happy. Focusing on the why of things, can be a painful wasted process. Michele Weiner-Davis suggests she sees fantastic results if you just focus on the how - now. Forget the why, the blame, the history.

Accepting that as true, I have been trying to build a picture of what my home will look like. Discerning what I need versus want. How best to apply my skills?

Frankly a lot of it is just letting go... being open... relaxed... trusting that what ever you "really" need, pretty much you already have or is yours for the asking.

Wishing you, your family, your horses, your dogs, your turtles and Help a gentle peaceful day!

PB

Paradise...

Your words are such a gift to me... always here when I need them. I know your post is correct. I am trying so hard to let go and work on the now.

It just seems that MOW pops up in my now all the time.

May I share with you..that I judged a local horseshow over the weekend with a woman who was a casual friend and also in the outskirts of the "click" (sparsely populated) of MOW.

This woman opened up and let bombs fly... It does seem that alot of the scandalous rumor surrounding all of this was that I had an A with MOWH...that I am violent to H ( I am 5'2", he is 6'4")...and so on..You must know the drill.

Sigh.

It was also brought to my attention that the little league football team that my H is a coach for has a new player drafted to it this year among many others... MOW's son.

What do I do with this information?

My son (10) knows everything..he knows what his father did and that he has a brother he cannot meet. MOW is the kind of mother who sits on the sidelines of every practice talking on her phone... the child will be with her, I am sure.

Is this fair to my poor son?

I have not discussed my knowledge with H yet. I am pondering this.

I do apologize for the nature of some of my posts..they do disrupt the flow of wonderful healing energy that you provide here. I am so grateful for you patience.

On a HUGELY important note... there is a litter of small wild bunnies hopping about my outdoor tortoise pen. It has a concrete block wall and doesn't seem to be user friendly to rabbits. They are barely hopping on their own and will come suspiciously close to Phyllis (the largest female) and myself when we sit together and ponder life.

It is a precious, precious sight.

Blessings,

Eibrab

Hello Paradise, Eibrab and Carnation,

Just home from a family reunion in the sprawling metropolis of Goldendale, WA. I went with Mom and Dad and my Dad's cousin Cherrie who is 89yrs young. I met all manner of relatives and learned a lot about families and relationships. My great great grandmother was married four times by age 42. She had children with three different husbands. A story about the end of her marriage to my great great grandfather was printed in the local newspaper in the mid 1800's in Goldendale. She had 11 children, with the three different fathers, and managed to eak out a living thru all of this and we now have relatives all over Washington State.

Gladly I found that infidelity never played a part in any of it but every other reason did. Abandonment, drunkeness, and "Ill Temper" sure did. Families can and do survive thru all of this as the reunion proved. Even living in a two room shack in the middle of nowhere. Standing tall and being self sufficient is what I came away with this weekend. If a 5'1" woman with 11 children can keep her family going on her own 100yrs ago I can do the same in the comfort of the luxuries we have now.

Eibrab I can hear you seeing the little things that will get you through whatever comes your way already. You have the inner strength to survive as well as prosper. Believe in yourself. Leave a living trail for your kids to follow and look back on with pride.

Paradise, I am thinking contented and peaceful thoughts for you tonight. Big dates still rock me both before and after they arrive. In reality, aren't they only as significant as we make them? Do we put way more emphasis on them than our WS's? Do they even mark the day? I doubt it! Just another day to them and it should be the same for us. Losing days/weeks that we can never have back in a fog of what if's is not what we need to be doing to ourselves anymore. Dharma probably teaches you the same I'm sure. Be happy and enjoy your life, your friends are benefitting from you and you need to take something away from the socializing also. Contentment in what you still have and look forward to tomorrow.

Carnation has the ideas down pat. We need to heed the words better. Keep after them Carnation! We both will and maybe soon some of the good left in their lives will shine thru and brighten them up!

Dear Eibrab,

I always, ALWAYS like to hear from you.

As you and Phyllis ponder life, focus on what you want your life to be like. See it. Imagine how it will make everyone feel. It is yours for the thinking, for the believing.

Her future would likely have a great deal of cantaloupe in it. Yours will I imagine have beautiful horses, beautiful children and sigh a slightly bossy husband – who loves only you. To me it sounds like what you have right now.

Most MOWs have issues. That sadly is how they end up MOWs. She is troubled and unhappy. Projection is a symptom of someone whose ego/persona is under attack from within. It is easier to project your actions onto someone else, than face the truth. Sometimes people get so adept at it –they lose track of the truth.

The way to minimize something in your life is to devote no attention to it. Spend your energy on things you want – not the things you don’t want. Our thoughts tend to attract whatever we think about into our lives - both the good and bad.

If you are going to think about her, try to imagine what her life must really be like. What her marriage must really be like. It should drain the anger and hurt away… leaving you feeling compassion for how hard it is to live with mistakes ….

Sending you a big hug.

PB

P.S. FOR NO CONTACT TO BE NO CONTACT – THERE MUST BE NO CONTACT. If you cannot live where you live, without socializing with her or her children, then don’t live there. Move.

He cannot coach her child.

Any contact between your husband and the MOW whatsoever is counterproductive. It undermines his own marriage and hers.

Given the situation, it would not help her. It certainly does not help you. Nor in the long run, does it ease his feelings of guilt.

She should be turning to her own husband for what ever emotional support she needs.

Dukhuntr,

What a lovely post. I liked the positive focus, the looking forward to things with confidence, with an appreciation for your roots.

I am sitting here looking out at an amazing moon, a red crescent that is so low in the horizon it looks like it might fall and so close it seems I could lean out my window and touch it.

I have had a low ebb day. It is hot here. Neither Blue nor I are used to heat. He spent the afternoon at the puppy spa getting a trim. NOT his favourite thing to do, he is laid out paws in the air, snoring softly at my feet - looking handsome. In a moment I will take him out for a quick walk. He will spring up, stretch out his fore legs, bunching his hind end in the air and wag his tail as if to say "My that is a good idea!"

Life can be so full of good ideas. You just have to be open to thinking them....

Sending you happy thoughts....


PB

Hey Paradise,

I am sitting at my desk at work thinking about your post and had to stop and get some of my thoughts down before they get lost in the shuffle of work. I am glad you see the positive side of my thinking these days. I hope these thoughts continue for me because it's the first time in a long time I do feel positive about my life in general.

I still feel pangs of guilt occasionally about being positive, given what has been lost in the last year and a half. I am hoping I am in the final stages of grieving over the loss of a 28yr relationship and the best friend I ever had. I never thought I would feel whole again but in most ways I do now. My anger has completely subsided and it has been replaced by apathy and in some ways a sense of worry for her future. I will always love her although I will never, never allow her to be in a position to hurt me again. I think this will be something I live with the rest of my life. A love for a woman I will never allow close to me again. I have closed off a section of my heart that I have to ignore and keep silent forever.

The point of all of this is that I hope to give you a sense that time really does heal the wounds and things can and do get better. You at least have been allowed by Midnight to retain some respect for him, in that he has been straight forward and honest for the most part. Few deceptions and no out and out lies that I have heard of. I was not allowed this luxury and I think my recovery suffered because of this. To this day I cannot and will not rely on her integrity related to anything. That is the one thing I hope my kids learn from all of this. There are very few things in life that cannot be taken from you. Your honesty and personal integrity are two things you have to give up on your own. She gave both away and someday she may come to realize how precious these qualities were.

You and Eibrab and Holiday have been godsends for me and I hope I have helped you in some small way also. I know I would have been in a much darker place for a much longer period without the patient and sage advice all of you have given me. I know this sounds like a goodbye when it's not. It's just something I felt I needed to get off my chest and out there to see and read myself, something like your journals.

Thinking cooler thoughts for you and Blue!

Eibrab,

I hope you are well and that the homefront has quieted for you. I worry when you stop posting that the things that you cannot control have robbed you of your reasoning and patience. Let the rest of the people involved in this "situation" spin off out of control, don't let yourself go in this regard. Somewhere in this time of worry and stress there needs to be an "eye of the storm". A place of reasoning and calm that your kids and your H can go to relax and take comfort that some things never change. Be that place they seek. Both for yourself and for them.

I know what it is that I am asking you to do. I could not do it myself, I was never confident nor strong enough. You have done this since H's A began. Why change? I know it is difficult and emotionally draining to be the rational one in the mix. Who else is there? As I have told you before come here to vent to us and let us help you thru all of this garbage. I have benefitted from your advice and I always look forward to hearing from you. Let Paradise and I help you as you have helped us whenever you need it.

Get busy and start the posting again. Talk this stuff out, it helped me and I'm hoping it will do the same for you.

Dukhunter...

Thank you my friend. Very, VERY much.

Sometimes I feel as if my family sees me more as the tornado and not the "eye of the storm"... I think that I find that I worry enough for all of us, that they feel that I am the only one still "dwelling.".

I do not vocalize my worry. I promise. I keep it to myself. I have not acted on the little league football info. as of yet. I still have a few days and I have found that I have through all of this become a thinker. I think alot before I act.

Sometimes I am not sure if this is best.

Paradise suggested a move...probably not likely here due to the magnitude of our operation. I remember once that MOWH told me that MOW asked him if they could move...this was before everything came out. Do we think she may be capable of shame ?

I find power here in this thread. I find strength. I will post more and not just linger here reading advice that is truly appreciated.

I'm not getting much satisfaction from discussions with Phyllis... she's very selfish in her topics.

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

Oh poor Phyllis, while she listens intently, I suspect she is a bit of tortoise in pondering what to say, finding the conversation so fast paced, that in a blink she is standing alone, stunned - ten steps behind – so to speak.

I am glad you have done naught about the little league football. I think it is your FWH's mess and he should come up with the solution himself offering it to you for discussion. It can't involve allowing his wife and child to be in the same place at the same time as the FMOW.

The less you talk about it - the less you will think about it and frankly thinking about it - just makes you miserable. Let’s go back to my earlier suggestion of thinking about the things you want in your life not the things you don't want. Thoughts are very powerful, they invite things into your life. Every action - every reality exists first in thought.

It is lovely night here. Blue and I just had a stroll. There is a kind of a warm misty fog in the air, shrouding things, creating glowing halos around the lights.

I was at a dharma session tonight, a visiting lama came to speak. I was sitting in one of the front rows in a sparsely populated room and kept falling asleep. My eyelids just kept getting heavier and heavier. It has been a busy week.

He launched in a lively talk in booming tones about the necessity of concentration and an active mind versus the dead like mind of SLEEP! I started to blush. Those who snooze lose – or stay unenlightened!

Yawn!

Wishing you contented, glad to be alive, thoughts!

PB

PS. Remember, you have many who wish you happiness. It is yours - for the smiling….

Hey Dukhunter,

I always enjoy your humor and honesty.

Hearing you being positive and optimistic about all that you have to look forward to is a tonic. There is naught to be guilty about. Life is meant to be enjoyed.

The anger is gone. How wonderful! What a relief for YOU!

Negative emotions do fade surprisingly quickly. Quicker still if they are crowded out by the excitement of living your life now fully - completely.

Wishing you boldly confident imaginative dreams! All that you need to reinvent your life.

PB

Journal

Blue and I are winding down for the night. The heat of the day has subsided and there is cool night breeze coming through the window.

I am content on my own these days. It is peaceful. My life has developed an easy pace.

Looking back over the course of the last year, I am surprised at how little time it takes really to go from utter agony to a relaxed cheerful acceptance of change.

I was walking around a hardware store tonight humming away to myself, chatting softly to Blue. He picked out new kitchen cabinet hardware. He likes to pick out things. I usually give him a choice, holding up an option in each hand, he looks at each carefully then noses one; beef or chicken dog food, red bandana or blue bandana, brass soft finish or chrome soft finish!

Like many males he has bossy streak!

I find myself wishing Midnight happy and content at least once a day. Hoping he will find what he is looking for and that when he does it will be worth the search.

Mostly I am diligent about being positive, in every gesture, in every thought. It is a miraculous cure for all ills - the ones we create for ourselves and those that are visited upon us by others.

It means I smile a lot and happily in turn get smiled at a lot. There is a circle effect, that heals, restores, refreshes, brings you back to center within the space of a moment.

Like little rays of sunshine that piece thunderclouds - smiles ease every kind of pain.

Paradise,

Now that is a post! Contentment is settling in, in the formerly frozen north! My head is screaming at me to push for some closure to go along with this feeling for you but my heart tells me you will take care of that when you are ready for it.

Enjoy your peace and contentment. You deserve it as much as any person I have ever had the pleasure to converse with. Poor Blue, he has yet to learn nothing good can come from expressing an opinion from a male perspective in regard to a womans kitchen! He will learn the hard way.

Pleasant Dreams!

I thought this worth sharing... tonight I am going to bed saying "I love you." to myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Eibrab

------------------------------------------------------------

Ho'oponopono
By Joe Vitale

Two years ago, I heard about a therapist in Hawaii who cured a complete ward of criminally insane patients--without ever seeing any of them. The psychologist would study an inmate's chart and then look within himself to see how he created that person's illness. As he improved himself, the patient improved.

When I first heard this story, I thought it was an urban legend. How could anyone heal anyone else by healing himself? How could even the best self-improvement master cure the criminally insane? It didn't make any sense. It wasn't logical, so I dismissed the story.

However, I heard it again a year later. I heard that the therapist had used a Hawaiian healing process called ho''oponopono. I had never heard of it, yet I couldn't let it leave my mind. If the story was at all true, I had to know more. I had always understood "total responsibility" to mean that I am responsible for what I think and do. Beyond that, it's out of my hands. I think that most people think of total responsibility that way. We're responsible for what we do, not what anyone else does--but that's wrong.

The Hawaiian therapist who healed those mentally ill people would teach me an advanced new perspective about total responsibility. His name is Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len. We probably spent an hour talking on our first phone call. I asked him to tell me the complete story of his work as a therapist. He explained that he worked at Hawaii State Hospital for four years. That ward where they kept the criminally insane was dangerous. Psychologists quit on a monthly basis. The staff called in sick a lot or simply quit. People would walk through that ward with their backs against the wall, afraid of being attacked by patients. It was not a pleasant place to live, work, or visit.

Dr. Len told me that he never saw patients. He agreed to have an office and to review their files. While he looked at those files, he would work on himself. As he worked on himself, patients began to heal. After a few months, patients that had to be shackled were being allowed to walk freely, he told me. "Others who had to be heavily medicated were getting off their medications. And those who had no chance of ever being released were being freed." I was in awe. "Not only that," he went on, "but the staff began to enjoy coming to work." Absenteeism and turnover disappeared. We ended up with more staff than we needed because patients were being released, and all the staff was showing up to work. Today, that ward is closed.

This is where I had to ask the million dollar question: "What were you doing within yourself that caused those people to change?"

'"I was simply healing the part of me that created them," he said. I didn't understand. Dr. Len explained that total responsibility for your life means that everything in your life--simply because it is in your life--is your responsibility. In a literal sense the entire world is your creation.

Whew. This is tough to swallow. Being responsible for what I say or do is one thing. Being responsible for what everyone in my life says or does is quite another. Yet, the truth is this: if you take complete responsibility for your life, then everything you see, hear, taste, touch, or in any way experience is your responsibility because it is in your life. This means that terrorist activity, the president, the economy or anything you experience and don't like--is up for you to heal. They don't exist, in a manner of speaking, except as projections from inside you. The problem isn't with them, it's with you, and to change them, you have to change you.

I know this is tough to grasp, let alone accept or actually live. Blame is far easier than total responsibility, but as I spoke with Dr. Len, I began to realize that healing for him and in ho 'oponopono means loving yourself. If you want to improve your life, you have to heal your life. If you want to cure anyone, even a mentally ill criminal you do it by healing you.

I asked Dr. Len how he went about healing himself. What was he doing, exactly, when he looked at those patients' files?

"I just kept saying, 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you' over and over again," he explained. "That's it?" "That's it."

Turns out that loving yourself is the greatest way to improve yourself, and as you improve yourself, you improve your world.

Let me give you a quick example of how this works: one day, someone sent me an email that upset me. In the past I would have handled it by working on my emotional hot buttons or by trying to reason with the person who sent the nasty message.

This time, I decided to try Dr. Len's method. I kept silently saying, "I'm sorry' and 'I love you," I didn't say it to anyone in particular. I was simply evoking the spirit of love to heal within me what was creating the outer circumstance.

Within an hour I got an e-mail from the same person. He apologized for his previous message. Keep in mind that I didn't take any outward action to get that apology. I didn't even write him back. Yet, by saying "I love you," I somehow healed within me what was creating him.

I later attended a ho''oponopono workshop run by Dr. Len. He's now 70 years old, considered a grandfatherly shaman, and is somewhat reclusive.

He praised my book, The Attractor Factor. He told me that as I improve myself, my book's vibration will raise, and everyone will feel it when they read it. In short, as I improve, my readers will improve.

"What about the books that are already sold and out there?" I asked.

"They aren't out there," he explained, once again blowing my mind with his mystic wisdom. "They are still in you." In short, there is no out there. It would take a whole book to explain this advanced technique with the depth it deserves.

Suffice It to say that whenever you want to improve anything in your life, there's only one place to look: inside you.

When you look, do it with love.