Hi Toni49,

I am both sorry and glad you find your self here;sorry because it means you are dealing with the hellish pain of betrayal and glad because it puts you in the midst of so many very experienced wise people.

Ultimately, it is you who will have to decide what is best for your family. It helps enormously if you can create a little support group to help you find your way through it.

You will be in my prayers ...

Paradise

Hi PB: thanks for the encouragement. I initiated the divorce because my husband has been having an affair for several years and I just found out that OW is pregnant. (which I believe she did on purpose) That was the last straw and I felt I could no longer have the title of his wife when he's having a child with someone else. We will continue to live in the marital house because we both can't afford to live on our own. Besides the affair my WH never fought or aurgued with me. He's one for waling away before he deals with arguing. I have a 16yr daughter and 13yr son. My daughter has not really shown any emotion as to whats going on but my son wants nothing to do with the OC. I guess now it's my turn to see what I've been missing so to speak. I still love my husband (soon I'll be calling him EX) but I'm just tired. This year I'll be 50yrs and I don't have time for snooping, checking pockets, sniffing clothes, etc. My kids in about 4-5yrs will be grown and off to college and then it's all about me. Now me and WH will have to live as room mates. Where both taking care of each other financially. I know he's gonna have to have contact with OW because of child (visitation, paying child support, etc) I guess this is his pay back. Oh by the way my WH will be 41yrs this year. So guess OC is starting over for him if he choose's to be in the OC's life. How is "Blue" doing? Also how is Mr. Midnight behaving.

Hello Toni,

Although it really sucks to have to find a place like this to talk you should feel lucky you found it. There aren't many better people in this world than Paradise, Eibrab and Holiday if she chimes in.

Sounds to me like you have a great handle on yourself already. Clarity of thinking didn't arrive for me until months after D-day and lots of posts from Holiday and Paradise. You have to decide for yourself the direction you want the road ahead to go for yourself. Everyone deals with their WS's infidelity differently. Paradise chose a path of faith, patience, and living each day as a gift to be treasured. She is the role model I aspire to but can't seem to pull off. I have travelled a road of peaks and valleys wavering between a new start and wanting my old life back. Many more bumps and bruises on my road but hopefully it will take me to the contentment and peace I want in my life.

Take the time and space to decide where you want to go from here. Don't rush into any decision, just take care of yourself first and foremost while your mind recovers from and accepts the reality of your spouses decisions. Never accept that you did anything that entitled him to make the decisions he did.

duk

PB, Eibrab, Carnation, Holiday, and Toni,

Finally something to celebrate in the life of duk! DD's live in BF of three years came to me two nights ago and asked if he could marry DD. I didn't think kids did this anymore and he gained that many more points in my book in doing it. She accepted the same night and now we have a celebration to plan.

Last night I told them to let me know what they wanted to do for a wedding and that I was open to anything they wanted within reason. Their main concern was the EX and I getting along long enought to get through the ceremony and the reception. I made sure they knew it their day and I would make sure it stayed that way. I also told them I would do whatever it took to make it happen with or without anything from the EX. Something really good to look forward to again. I've been imagining this event for 25 years and it will be here sooner that I ever expected. Maybe we were more sucessful in keeping our problems to ourselves than I thought. It hasn't seemed to keep DD from believing in marriage.

duk

Hi Duk: Congratulations on your daughters pending marriage. It's good to hear about something good for someone else for a change. Like you said now you have something to look forward to planning with your daughter. Just give her love and support and let her know that not all marraiges end like ours.

Dukhunter!

I am very happy for your family. Congratulations on gaining a new son. I hope you search for the most dashing suit and wear the grandest smile when the event finally comes.

You deserve this day just as much as your DD.

Eibrab

Oh my dear friends...

Hit the start button on the coffee makers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

I, quite shamefully, got into the habit of keeping to myself here on MB during the travels and busy times of PB and Duk late last year. Bad habits die hard, don't they ? I've meant to update and something will take my focus.

I hope that is not a sign of age and rather just the times.. LOL

I made it through the football season with minor scratches. Toni, I will share with you that the OW in my life is married and the OC will be two years old in May. By some horrid twist of fate the MOW's eldest son was put on the football team that my H coaches for my DS (10). No one seemed to wish to make a scene and change it, but me.

I lost.

But I made it through. Through the course of the season, I have kept a log of 14 nasty texts and two voicemails from the MOW to me..all of which I never, ever returned.

There was basketball season as well right after football and guess what? MOW's son who is a year younger than mine and not athletically inclined (bless his heart) just so happened to be a member without trying out of the traveling basketball team which my son was asked to play on. Since DS already was in a school team... 'ol Eibrab finally took a stand.

No traveling basketball team. I was able to smooth it over rather well with H, who is competitive to a fault. It was handled with a few bumps in the road. I just couldn't do it.

I did wonder why the coaches - one of whom knew full well about her text harrassment of me and history - chose to keep her family on the team and not mine. I did not ask nor demand such, but I found it odd. I was hoping dignity and grace might win out, but I can't say that I am disappointed.

The poor team has not won a game all season and I am glad for my son to have left him on the school team where he is challenged to a higher level.

Things also got a bit heated after finding MOW texting my H from a secret phone late at night right before Christmas. A tense time followed, but I have to trust my instinct here and look deep enough to see the full picture. I do not feel that any contact between MOW and my H is ever initiated by my H, though he does not appear to ever tell her to stop.

It bothers me. It is as if he wants to appear the good guy all the way around....hence his burying his head in the sand after I found out yet another tidbit.

Remember the fund-raiser for the little league baseball that you all helped me through at about this time last year? Guess who I found out is on the committe to help this year?

MOW is everywhere! I wonder if her H is ok with all of her new found activities ? I did attempt to ask him politely in a text message but was answered by MOW herself who again insulted the size of my backside.

LOL, I'm sort of proud of that feature.. she really should pick a more suitable insult category.

I get no defense from H on any of my feelings here. Instead he throws comments my way where he assumes that I am constantly trying to cause trouble. Go figure. He actually stated that he feels that it makes him look good to be seen at these things where she has become involved to further prove nothing is going on. I do not jest..and you may laugh.

Christmas was wonderful. I was showered with gifts hand-picked from H and the kids. Most had to do with camouflage and hunting, which will never be a talent of mine. I seem to smell too much like a girl, make too much noise and find too much joy in looking around at all the splendor outside instead of sitting still as ordered.

I did apply for my Propagator's License for Pheasant and Quail. I am excited as I've always wanted to do something like this. No ducks for me, though, as I fear their ability to play really bad jokes and feign death at will.

I also was given a small white english bulldog pup last Fall from a breeder friend who couldn't be sold due to health concerns that she seems to have outgrown. She is a vile, unmannerly creature who is always underfoot and never does much right. I simply adore her. She has brought a renewed sense of worth and undying devotion to this household. We call her Tuna.

Things seems good here, though I always wait for the shoe to drop. I sit back and watch a great deal. I do not say much but I have learned a wealth about human nature.

Some I do not like at all.

H seems to have taken a renewed interest in me. I wonder if it is guilt, shame or genuine.

I need to be here more often with you all. You are always close at heart.

Eibrab

Toni...

Welcome to a place of great insight and complete understanding. I am so sorry for the position you have found yourself in. There is a section here at MB under infidelity entitled "pregnancy".. you may wish to seek more advice there.

It has not been an easy road for me, nor is it even close to ending. I had a dear friend say to me once during all of this that no one was exempt from a piece of the pain pie here..even those of us not at fault. I would be honored to offer you any help or a shoulder as you need.

Eibrab

All...

I neglected to state that the temperatures here have been so unbearable that the horse business is at a standstill. They look at me with great disdain if I even suggest work.

The tortoises are all happy in their heated pen off of the arena barn.I do have one in here by the fireplace with me due to a case of the sniffles. Her name is Holly and she possesses one of the worst underbites God could put on a small, shelled lady. She makes due and is highly aggravated at my use of a Kleenex on her already scaley nose.

I will get the tissues with lotion in them next time for sure.

Eibrab

Hi There Eibrab,

It is so good to hear from you and know that you are coping. I have always admired your grace and perseverance. I have read through your postings several times… always smiling.. happy in the thought.. that you’ve made it through. Not to say there won’t be continuing trials but I have to believe that the worst of it is behind you.

Funny, in way everyone always makes it through one way or another. When times are bleak, we lose sight of the fact that some time in the future, one will be sitting in a sunny office, with a star bucks coffee near by and a glad heart.. upon knowing a friend is doing well.

Tuna sounds delightful. I have been pondering the prospect of getting another dog too. What I always said I would do, if something ever happened to Midnight, but for now, Blue and I are content to just be.

The weather has been bitterly cold here too… requiring many layers of clothing on the dog walks. I find life fairly quiet these days. I get out perhaps 4 times a week to visit with friends for lunch, dinner .. or some other happening. I climb twice a week, the remaining days, I always run, I am really enjoying the running.

The evenings at home, I putter… read.. listen to music. I have not been this fit since university and my home has never looked quite so nice.

Change is always hard to face, but it is so much easier if you find the positive in it.
Your family, I suspect will be stronger in many ways because in facing your husband’s mistakes you found the grace to rise to the challenge. It will make a difference in how each of you appreciates the other. Big smile Hon.. Well done !!!!


Huge Hugs.

Paradise and Blue


P.S. Dukhuntr,

What lovely post you wrote to Toni.. nicely done. I am so happy at the thought of you celebrating your daughter upcoming marriage. What a great event to look forward to. I can picture you in my mind's eye.. the proud Dad walking her down the aile.

Paradise...

I was never one to think of a multiple dog household. It was always nice having things "just so". The accidental addition certainly wasn't something I was hoping for, but Tuna surely has been an entertaining sort.

Last night, H and I were settled in to watch American Idol. Tuna proceeds to jump right on other side of the couch and simply sit there.

Tuna is not allowed on the furniture. After a verbal scolding while trying to hold my laughter, she slowly climbed down looked straight up at me and took off running as if she had athletic ability. She ran into a plant stand and completed about a dozen circles before finally laying down in the middle of the floor. I can't be sure what possesses this small canine, but I am concerned that she's going to need special help to get through life.

Have you ever seen a bulldog who thinks it can run?

I am honored that you feel I am coping and even more grateful that you feel the worst is behind me. I get up every morning waiting for the shoe to drop. This MOW seems to be everywhere anymore and she has made it known of her extreme hatred of me.

Me.. I've never approached, called, contacted or kicked her. The latter of which many might have done. She's a mean sort. I cringe at the future. I wonder what others think when they see us at the same function.

I'm so glad you are here.

May I ask..is climbing in reference to a mountainside ?

Eibrab

Hi Eibrab: Thanks for the kinds words. I'm currently going to a support group that meets weekly and I also started to see a therapist. I have good days and bad days. My court date is 5/10/07. I feel that on that day I'll probably lose it even more. I keep having thoughts that my marriage was a total lie on his part. I always thought that it was one sided (me). And it just hurts to think that for all these years he's been lying/cheating. As I stated that the OW is pregnant which I believe she did no purpose because she could have gotten pregnant years ago if she wanted to. This is just another attempt to have him as a part of her life. I try to keep busy and not think to much about it but it just creeps back on you. It will be 4wks come this week that I found out about everything. I gave him the option to go be with her but he's still here with me. What do you think?

Toni...

I am so unqualified to make assumptions on your life...but I will share with you one very true thing that I have learned through so much heartache and the reading of so many other's trials and tribulations..

Most times - though not all - people are where they wish to be. Your H is there with you.. if this is a relationship you wish to repair, we are here for you. I know how hard this situation is and will be. No one here would ever make judgements for whichever path you may choose. If you choose to branch out and explore life on your own.. Paradise and DukHunter's posts here will offer a wealth of information.

Paradise offered me the reccomendation of a book a while ago, that I only wish I had found sooner...

"Peace Is Every Step" By Thich Nhat Hanh

It explains a different, peaceful perspective to views things from...I know how much you hurt, my friend. I wish I could take that pain from you and replace it with the duller, numb version that will come.. and it will come.

I have learned to think twice..and then a third time before I act or decide. Things sometimes are not as they seem, and often are exactly what they seem.

Bless you,

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

Honey, I know I have never been unhappy when I have followed the route..good manners dictate. Frankly, I strongly believe manners can solve almost all personal woes and in fact most of the world’s woes. In the long run, your gracious restraint will pay off in spades. It already has. You have your husband home and in love with you.

I would suspect a good measure of the anger or spite your OMW feels or may direct towards you .. is most of the time directed towards herself. Unhappy people are often mean. In a way, they cannot help it. She is suffering, her bad temper is just an indicator of it. The overwhelming benefit of behaving well, is that hands down you have nothing to cringe about, always ..always remember that.

Tuna sounds like fun. Nothing better brightens a home than a puppy. As I write this, Blue asleep at my feet, is dreaming ..letting out soft yelps and yowls. It always fascinates me. I wonder what he is seeing. The neighboring poodles, the postman…??

I have been indoor wall climbing. I vowed I would take up climbing again after a several decade lapse and have been enjoying it very much.

I am starting back a little late (52) but I will never do it younger, I go with a very long time girlfriend who is 58, we stand around in our harnesses and talk routes .. chalk up and game fully try to ignore the blasting rap music that some of the other younger climbers generously provide.

It is a blast.

After two hours of climbing, we stop by a local café drink coffee .. eat vegetarian chili and talk life. She may be developing early onset Alzheimer’s, each and every time she ties on.. I find I have to show her the knot over and over again. When she allows me to rappel down I always say a little prayer that she won’t forget which way to move the lever. Laughing…friendship is all about trust. Usually I shout out a cheery reminder before giving her the go ahead to start letting me down .

I still do my Buddhist class once a week and have enrolled in a distance learning program that requires daily practice. Last week we had psychologist come to class asking that we participate in a memory test. Apparently, they are finding that regular meditation improves memory and prevents brain tissue deterioration. Happy News!


Toni,

You have a tough time ahead. There will be lots of difficulty, hardship and heartache, but it does get better …easier.. you let go and eventually your mind and heart will move on. That is true what ever course you decide on.

You are in my prayers


Big Hugs
Paradise

Leave it to Paradise to pick a climbing partner with dementia/alzheimer's! Your faith never ceases to amaze and astound me. Myself, if I had a partner with a loaded gun in the marsh and the same condition, I would be watching him and not the birds.

Tell me truthfully now, have you ever wondered how well you would bounce while being spotted by her??? I think if I were you I would tie off to the top and be a little more self reliant in the future. It's tough to meditate in traction. All the noise from the ventilator might become annoying also. Avoiding falls from great heights is the best way in which to prevent brain tissue deterioration!! :0)

Isn't it nice to hear Eibrab marvel about her H? Even though she is showing signs of "rabbit ears" waiting for the other shoe to fall. It makes me smile to hear and feel the lighter tone in her posts nowadays. Now if a critter will just commit hari-kari and run in front of an arrow from her bow things would be even happier for her.

Paradise is climbing true mountains! I've already known she's climbed them here through her words.

How fun..I would love to try that someday..and the sweet story of your partner-in-climb, PB, is very special. I can only think of the bright side of this for you..a renewed lesson in tying knots everytime. That cannot ever be a bad thing.

Duk..I'm confused. Did I marvel? I am giggling at that statement...maybe I am better off than I think? Can you tell me why then, he allows himself to even be at the same activities with the woman who was so instrumental in so much pain for my family and as recently as a few weeks ago was sending me nasty text messages to me where he refuses to defend me?

That was asked in love, my friend... I'm as baffled as you are <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> .

And..I truly think I could put that arrow about where I want to.. I'm just waiting for a true trophy.

*big grin*

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Well maybe marvel was not the proper word. How about appreciate his renewed interest? And as for being around her, you said it yourself, H chooses where he wants to put his boots down at night. Unless you would rather he hitch up the truck and trailer and haul all of you out if there he has to see her at these functions.

If you lived in a bigger community this would be much easier to cope with I'm sure. Since you live in "Mayberry" it is going to be a daily challenge. You are more than up to it and I pity the poor OW now. She has no idea what she wants or needs in life and will be forever discontent. The more people she can reduce to her level the better in her eyes. DONT LET HER DO IT TO YOU!!!!

As far as I know there is no legal season for bow hunting OW in your state or mine. An OW would not be considered a "trophy" anyway.(I think you would call that "culling the herd".) Be happy and keep posting, I have missed our old talks.

Oh Dukhuntr,

You do make me laugh! I read your post earlier today and found myself breaking out in intermittent giggles throughout the evening. Your points are taken. I will be careful. Actually, I am already very careful. Big smile my friend… so funny.

It is the middle of the night here and very quiet, just the sound of me typing and the dog snoring. I have a slew of people staying up at the chalet this weekend the next three days will go by in just a blur. Sometimes, when I know I am going to be really busy. I find myself waking up very early as though part of my mind says well let's get cracking!

I agree it is sooooo good to hear Eibrab, in happy spirits… just brightens up the entire week.

Take care.. Give Jamie a big hug

Paradise

Hi Everyone: Just having a bad day today and wanted to hear from some friendly people. Keep having thoughts about impending divorce. I know that come May 2007 when we go to court that I will fall apart more than what I'm already doing. I try to keep busy and not think about things. I go to my support group counseling once a week and that really helps when I talk to the other group members. Again I really don't want to go through with the divorce but I know that I can't trust my STBXH. He has lied to me for years, cheated on me for years and there's no trust. I hurt because we won't be husband and wife any longer and again it's probably my own feelings about being married. I worry about if I get sick who would make major decisions on my behalf. It wouldn't be him anymore because we would no longer be married. Maybe it's also my own fantasy about marriage and the fact that where going to this step. I always thought that if things didn't work out between us he would be the one asking for the divorce and not me. And maybe because I had to initiate it is why it hurts so much more. I also started marital counseling and I have my 2nd session next week. WH said that he should go and I gave him the information but the fact that several days went by and he didn't follow up on it. Told me that he probably was just saying that. He's a big procrastinator (hope i spelled it right). But I felt if he really was interested he would have done something. He doesn't even mention anything about divorce pending. I'm at work writing this and trying to compose my self. Don't want co-workers to see me crying.

Hi Toni!

Sorry about the bad day. I wish I could tell you that they were going to go away soon but I can't. There will be good days too so relish those and just try to get by on the bad ones.

Your IC shuold start to help you learn to cope better soon, mine did. You might want to ask about an RX for anti-depressants too. I started feeling and coping a lot better after a couple weeks on AD's.

You are on the right track here in figuring out for yourself the direction you need to move. Nothing says you can't change your course later, just do what helps you cope the best for now. Right now your recovery is the important thing. As for work, showing your emotion while painful is just something we all have done no matter how strong we think we are. Use your workplace as a refuge to get away from your personal life. Dive into the work to get your mind on something else for a good part of the day.

We are out here and we will help you even if we aren't here every day.

duk