Journal,

Blue and I spent a happy hour at the beach today. My Greek friend who runs the chip wagon has returned to set up shop; looking tan and rested. I gave him a heartfelt warm welcome home! SPRING IS OFFICIALLY HERE!!!!!

I cleaned and closed the chalet last weekend, spending one final fun weekend in the company of four long time female friends. We talked, cooked, walked and talked some more to the wee hours…

Early last Saturday morning, I went out to shop for parts of our dinner. I like grocery shopping. For the observant, there is an enormous amount of information to be gleaned from the contents of someone’s grocery cart. Mine for instance, had lots of organic produce, soy yogurt, sea kelp face soap, the makings of a chocolate soufflé to balance all the healthy stuff and a decorator magazine. The chap behind me in the check out line had about 15 of the giant size Hungry Man frozen dinners, a large bottle of Fleecy and the largest family pack carton of condoms I have ever see. I buried my nose in my magazine trying to stop from giggling. Obviously, someone who prefers easy no fuss meals, likes their sheets to smell nice and is rather busy!!!

After I lock the door for the last time, Blue and I always take a walk. We trudge along looking around carefully, thinking until next year – feeling wistful. The winter always seems to go by so fast. Life goes by so fast. I cannot believe I am working up to the second year anniversary of our split.

I feel pretty much myself again, whole, healthy – at peace really. Frankly, I have been part of a couple since I was 15, this is my first real stretch of being single. After you get over the initial challenge, there are definite pluses. There is so much freedom to it. Your time is your time. It makes me giddy sometimes to think I can do whatever I choose. When friends ask me out to do things, I always say yes! Belly Dancing lessons ..sure why not!

I still meditate daily, often I will try to visualize Dukhuntre, Eibrab, Carnation, Holiday, Toni, each healthy and happy (but I will take soapy!)

Life is all about what you choose to see or maybe it is just what you choose to put in your cart.

Big hug to all.

PS. Heard a very good duck tale over the weekend from my film maker buddy. In Vancouver, there was a very distressed lady duck walking back and forth quaking in the crowds on a busy downtown sidewalk.

Evenutally, she just got so frustrated she grabbed with her beak the pant leg of one chap and tried to pull him along for a bit. He followed her and she sat on a big grate. He turned to walk away and she jumped up and grabbed his pant leg again pulling him along. This time he took the time to look around and lo and behold her eight little ducklings had fallen through the grate and were floating in the bottom of the sewer.

He dials 911 on his cell. The fire department arrives on the scene. They cannot lift the grate. They call city works, who come by with a special crane on a truck and lift up the heavy metal grate. The fire men then carefully scoop up each little duck with a pasta strainer borrowed from a near by restaurant.

All through this, moma duck just sat there watching the goings on with alert interest. When finally all 8 of her little ducks were on the sidewalk. Off they waddled away to a big cheer from the crowd that had gathered.

When my girlfriend told me story, I laughed and said.."There is a duck with faith." Something we all need.

Hi Everyone: It's count down time for me. I looked at the calendar and I have about 5 weeks before we go and see the judge for our divorce. I am still very sad that it has come to this. I know that this is the right decision for me emotionally. And that it's the only way I can let go of what I thought was a marriage. I have my good days where I don't even think about it, then you have the bad days where you start re-living everyting again. And asking youself "what happen". I know this is the right thing for me in order to let him go emotionally (with my heart). I have been doing alot of self help reading trying to get prepared. But I know I'm gonna start crying when we see the judge and sign the papers. I will try to be strong and not cry but that's easier said then done. I was so glad to read that Duk/PB are doing well. Eibrab & Carnation hope you are well also.

I'm getting busy downloading on an ipod <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I may be the only farm woman for miles around with a zen master in my ear.

Thank you, PB.

Things have been VERY difficult here. A HUGE amount of renewed contact, lies and deceit. I have handled myself the way I should have the first time around. I exposed, exposed, exposed and didn't apologize once (to MOWH). Do I think it is physical ? In my gut, no..but I do feel MOW has gotten bored, and she's never quite gotten over her idea of not "winning".. she even sent me a text message saying that she thought she told me to leave her family alone, and other choice words..

Leave HER family alone ? Go ahead and laugh freely with me. I had two messages to her H.. there were 497 texts and over 2000 minutes on a cell phone to mine..

Tell me, my friends..just what did I win if she was the loser? *chuckle*

I am doing amazingly well. I am strong and I am wise... both of which I owe you all here a huge thank you for. I will get through this, too.

I have the faith of a momma duck.

Eibrab

Eibrab,

You have a lot more going for you than any momma duck ever had. You have a strength in character that is an inspiration to all of us. You also have the patience and good sense to see yourself though anything you choose to face.

I'm disappointed from where I stand and I can't even begin to imagine the emotions you are going thru. I am still rooting for you to be the one in our little group to keep her M alive and well if that is what you still want in your life. I think from all I have heard it still is.

To be truthful I was hoping to hear a whole lot better news from your neck of the woods. I truly do wish that things would take a turn for the better for you for once. No one I have ever known deserves it more than you and only PB equals you in my eyes. Take care of yourself and your children, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

duk

Toni..

Stay strong.

You have so much more inside of you than you might ever imagine.

We care.

Eibrab

Duk...

I can do this..just not sure what "this" is yet.

Does that make sense?

I like myself. I like how I am, what I am and what I appear to be. I cannot make others see in me what they refuse to.

Maybe that is my starting point?

Eibrab

Eibrab,

Your knowing in your heart that nothing was wrong with you has been the strong foundation that has kept things together for you and your family. You have never chaged a thing about yourself because nothing needed to change. H on the other hand needs to pull his head out from the nether region it is fully inserted into.

You "started" a long time ago. This is just turning out to be a much longer journey than expected. I'm quite sure that "this" will become more and more clear to you with time. Don't become impatient now, you've endured too much already to give up that easily. I'll be out here pulling for you all the way, whatever way that turns out to be. I'm sure PB, Carnation and Toni will be right there with me too.

duk

God Bless you Duk..

If he wants her..he can have her.

He always could.

I'm thinking of ordering a new bow, which is quite a bit lighter in my hand. It comes in a "black cherry pink". I figure that ought to get me noticed enough to realize that this may not be the only man left in this world. I have fought so hard for this, and I am not fighting anymore.

Maybe the lack of fight will be what it takes to win the war?

Eibrab

Hi Everyone: Today we went to a court ordered "parenting class" which is part of what you have to do with your divorce. It was very informative as far as how you child/children are taking the divorce process. There was about 15 other people also taking the class. STBEH and I went together. We talked. I told him that I didn't want the divorce but it was something I have to do for me. I told him that he was not a fighter and didn't fight for the family or marriage. He said he never really looked as being married as a big deal and that he didn't believe in marriage based on how he grew up with his mom & stepdad. I guess it was just my fantasy about being "married" and that I had committed myself to him and that the divorce would hopefully set me free. And this time it would be about "Me" and not his feelings which I did so many times in the past. Eibrab I know how you feel I just have no fight left to try and change things that I now know can't be changed if the other person doesn't feel the same. Counting down to court date (4 weeks to go)

Hi There Eibrab, Toni,

My heart felt care goes out to you both.

Eibrab, I read your last few posts with a heavy heart. At some point in life, people have to make choices. Your husband needs to realize, he is making a choice. He may not see it that way, but it surely is a choice.

Again, for the sake of your marriage, I would take the Harley's advice seriously and move. The only alternative to moving appears to be the slow deterioration of your marriage.

In one of Gil's talks, a phrase stuck in my mind, paraphrasing his words

"True faith is praying when prayer seems unimaginable.
True love is loving when the heart has turned to stone.."

I liked it so well I wrote it on a yellow sticky and stuck in on my monitor.

Big Hugs to you both. You have been in my prayers daily..I will keep you in my thoughts ..wishing you well and happy.

Paradise

I have now wrote down your quote
"true faith is praying when prayer seem unimaginable"
"true love is loving when the heart has turned to stone"
thats awesome, so powerful.
we all must prevail!

PB and all...

How nice it would be to pack up and go.. but I can't even get common decency or respect here. To try for a move of the magnitude it would take, would leave me packing alone, I am sure.

I am amazingly strong right now. This has gone on too long.

I did find out through the grapevine that MOW has seemingly lost her last friend about the time she came back after H here full force. She's bored, it seems.

I can't find the gumption to care.

About either of them at this time.

Sigh.. help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

Hey Eibrab,

I wish I had an answer for you but at this point I don't think any of us could suggest anything that would help. Sometimes a spouse just decides to walk, ie. mine and Paradise's. In your case it sounds like he went back to cake eating big time. Having it both ways and expecting you to live with it.

Nothing could be harder to deal than his fence sitting in my mind. I couldn't with my EX, and I used to think it cost me my family. Now I see that what I did was exactly the correct thing for me to do given my nature and my own values. She's the one that made her choice and nothing I would have or should have done was going to change that. I gave her every opportunity to change her mind and two years down the road she is still living her new life and I don't ever hear from her. Maybe it has turned out to be a good choice for her.

All I can say to you is take your time on this and decide what it is you want. Until you have made this decision it is awfully hard to work at something so emotionally draining while not really being committed to it. This is what I hear in your posts now. Frustration, indecision, anxiety, everything each one of us has felt over and over again because of a WS's actions.

You can do this if you really want it, this being endure the hardships created by your H's A. He is with you and not her, this is good. He talks to and communicates with her, not so good. Given the amount of communication between them and the current state of you M even worse. BUT YET HE IS STILL WITH YOU! If you want him you still have all the advantages in terms of keeping him. Time and his presence in your home. There was a time I would have given all I had for this opportunity. Make your decision and then do what you believe is right for you. No one will ever say you didn't give it your entire heart in trying to keep things together.

I know in my heart that whatever you decide it will be the right thing for you. Your character and the will that you have shown so brightly thru all of this will carry you wherever you go. Take care of yourself and get out in the woods and kill something would ya! I know hunting and fishing have been my salvation the past two years. Without that and I'd be in the funny farm at best and places I rather not think about at worst.

Thinking good thoughts for you every day!

duk

P.S.- I wouldn't bet my house on it but given what you have told me about your H, just about the time he sees you have made the decision to end this fence sitting he will wake up and come back to reality. So far you have done a great plan A and it has worked to an extent. Maybe plan B time to end the cake eating and make him decide?

Eibrab,

Take a very deep breath. It is time for Plan B.

The whole point of Plan B is getting away from the WS and their destructive behaviour to avoid irreparable damage to the affection, love and regard you hold in your heart for him.

It sounds to me like you are already losing ground on that score. So now there is no choice... your feelings are your guide. If you want to save your marriage and save your own self esteem, pack those boxes by yourself, if need be. But do not stay there and let him make you hate him and disrepect yourself.

I only know one woman who accepted infidelity and looked the other way, she is a bitter angry person. Beset with so many physical maladies she is in constant pain. It is like it has eaten away at her from the inside. Not someone I would want as a friend. You my dear, I do want as a friend.

Better yet, cannot you just ask him to leave until he gets his act together.

He can pack on his own. In fact, perhaps you should take the initiative and pack for him. Tell him he can come home when he agrees to have no contact and to a move out of state. You need agreement to both points. This creepy situation has gone on long enough. I would put it very simply... "if we stay together and I have to watch you do this ...it will kill the love I have for you .I simply don't want that to happen .."

Big Big Big Big Hug

Paradise

((( Eibrab )))

Oh honey, I am so sorry...

I agree with PB (who wouldn't ??!!!) Plan B will take you out of the triangle... away from the drama... think about it anyway...

Re moving - not sure if that would work, since they are communicating so much by phone.. that would not put a stop to that.. just my thoughts anyway...

Sorry, I have not been here lately... been gone but now I am back... all is good

Dear Heavenly Father - Wrap Eibrab in our and Your love and guide her where You want her to go....

Carnation..

You have no idea how much your prayer means to me tonight.

I am taking my time deciding on my course of action here. I will do what I must in as wise of a fashion as I can. We had a run-in with MOW today at a little league baseball game. H walked right by her and the child and she him and that angered me greatly.

Behind the scenes is ok, but common decency in public is a no-no? Who are they fooling? Of course, H claims I am out of contol on this (no fighting or antics on my part, though I do report my findings to MOWH). He actually called me evil today.

BTW, she once again sent me a text addressing me as a horrid name and telling me that if I don't leave her family alone, she's coming after mine.

Coming after? Oh good Lord.. she's already been here, done that and is running that race again. Again communication between her H and myself is virtually none except when necessary. I was in possession of H's cell phone today and could have kept it from him all day. I did not..I looked at it for the first time in a very long time, reported the frequent phone calls to MOWH and then presented it back to him.

Laughable in some ways..isn't it? I hate to bother MOWH with any of my findings..but I did so much wrong during the active A before. This time I will not allow anyone to bully, threatened or otherwise control my actions when I know I am not doing anything wrong.

I am well..I am strong and amazingly different than I used to be. I am just not sure where to start the mess that is to be the rest of my life...and what that path is.

Thank you all of my dear friends.

Eibrab

Eibrab,

I wish things were better in Mayberry but as I have come to conclude we just can't control anything more than our own actions and feelings. You have done everything in your power to save what you have cherished with your H. It's up to him now to decide what he wants to do from here.

I'm glad to hear a confidence and strength in your resolve, you will need it no matter his decision. Don't fool yourself into believing you will have this resolve and confidence everyday, I still have bad days two years after the D. The dwelling only comes every now and then when other issues arise either at work or in my so far futile attempts to start a relationship with someone new. They come and go much quicker and less painfully each time it occurs. You guys can probably tell from my posts when I am in the midst of one pretty quickly.(like today)

I thank God everytime I go back into one of these moods for the insights and encouragement that people like you and Paradise, Carnation and Holiday have given me here. It has guided me thru what I hope is the the most difficult personal trauma I will ever be challenged with. I really can't imagine anything more painful or prolonged than this ever happening again, nor do I want to.

I wish I could say I believed that there was something you or I could have done or said that would change our WS's decision making. At this point I don't believe there is anything we could or should do other than to retain the values we cherish and to improve ourselves. Paradise is the perfect example of this improvement process, always expanding her knowledge, her personal experiences and her compassion for others. Sometimes it is out of our hands and there is nothing we can do except decide what path we want to follow from that point on. I think you are at this point and being much wiser than me have seen that for yourself.

I will be out here hoping and praying your path becomes happier and healthier from here on.

duk

((( Eibrab )))

You ok, honey ???


Duk - I really believe that you are going to be just fine. But, I have felt that all along about you. You rock !!

PB - You are our treasure ~ our treasure of treasures !!!

Hi Eibrab,

I am sitting in my sun filled office .. right now ..wondering how you are. Once a day, while walking the dog.. doing laundry.. or paperwork..I stop and try to visualize you wrapped up in all good thoughts of peace, care..love..kindness. I don't know if you ever feel them but I hope they help.

I can well imagine the pain and suffering you are going through..but I also know that you are growing out of this.in ways that ultimately will make you a stronger person.

I sat and had coffee with a dear old friend the other day.. who was telling about a scary divorce battle of another friend of his ..whose wife .is sure he was unfaithful to her and is convinced he has ruined her life.

I blinked at him and said.."Don't be silly ..the only person who can ruin your life is you..." It is a good thought...

One to hold on to ..in times when that doesn't seem so clear.

Big big big big big hug

Paradise

I know where E is... I'll tell her to come see you guys.