Oh I read here most every day! Most times, I find that it takes a while to sit back and chew over an answer or a post. I find that I have become that way in my life... a thinker, first.

I used to react first and think later. That usually proved fruitless.

Springtime is here and that means busy-busy. H is again being as nice as he knows how, only because I am certain he needs me. So be it.

I know things are not as they seem on the outside, I just an not certain how to proceed just yet. I find myself, even on very good days, focusing on a painful memory of something he's done in the recent past... and wanting to hold that against him as I know he is still not a decent person.

To what extent he is not decent, I am still unsure.

What hurts the most at this time in all of this, is his supposed "choice" to be with me, but his complete lack of support or defense of me. He can seemingly spend a great deal of time communicating with MOW (about what and in what demeanor, I do not know) but one call or text between her H and myself and she is allowed to harrass me.

By the way, I ignore every attempt she makes at getting to me. I always have.

I planted some bulbs in some large pots to decorate the entrance of my horse barn. I believe the flowers are called cannas. They are tall, red, strong flowers..and by putting them in pots, they are completely capable of following me to any destination life will find me, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In planting them, as I was digging for some fresh dirt, I found a very small painted turtle. Just one. He was no bigger than a fifty cent piece. Cutest thing.

Since I know painted turtles enjoy water, I thought he'd grow very nicely in my water garden among the lillies and such and I gently placed him there. Do any of you know how fast a small turtle can swim right before a large goldfish makes him dinner?

I have GOT to get my wits about me before I single-handedly make painted turtles and myself extinct.

I will apologize to his mother if I ever cross her path...which would mean I must slow down and enjoy looking for her.

I hope you all are well.. and I truly feel the prayers and hugs. I can honestly say that.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

Hi honey -- yep, I know all about focusing on the crap that has happend in the past, near or not so near.. Usually it is a trigger or he is *acting up* in some way.... I think -- oh oh... this is not right - something is going on.... radar goes up --- and then I dwell on the stuff that he has said in the past...

Disecting (sp) - over analyzing -- every single thing he says and does - plus add that my FWH (WH??) is thousands of miles away with lots of unaccounted for time.... it is a recipe for disaster Eibrab !!

So, yes I do know what you are talking about... and, I am getting a little better at handeling it.... ok. alot since coming here to MB !!!

and, hey --- where were you found ??? if you can tell...


Thoughts and prayers coming your way - as always

Hi Eibrab,

I don't think you need your H's support or defense in reality. I think you can and have handled everything thrown your way with dignity and courage beyond anything anyone would have believed of you before. It once again may be unfair of him but I believe your H has seen this too. He has seen how strong you are and is taking it for granted. It looks like a backhanded compliment to me. But what do I know?

Chumming up the carp with baby turtles huh? Like one of those shark fishing shows where they dump all the cut up fish in the water to bring in the sharks? I have done this on my annual fly-fishing trip to the Deschutes in Oregon. Three weeks and counting to this years trip! We go during the Salmonfly hatch. Salmonflys are 2"-2 1/2" long and if they could bite no one would go fishing while they were out. Trout gorge themselves on them while they are active. We use live bugs to see if there are trout holding in some areas before we fish them. Catch one on a bush, break it's wings and throw it in the river next to the bank and watch what happens. Looking forward to times like these are what is keeping me going now.

Over a year till DD's wedding and we have butted heads already because I refused to put myself at risk by signing a guarantee for a block of rooms at the Mexican resort she is using. I wouldn't sign because of the penalties in the contract for cancellations are substantial and she wanted me to cover her mother and all the ex-inlaws too. Trust between me and that family is non-existent. DD thinks I just hate them and am being hurtful in doing this. I think I am just being practical. What do you guys think? When I say substantial it's like $3,000-5,000 if the ex's all decide to go elsewhere and stay in the house a friend of theirs owns down the road. I would lose $750 if we cancelled their rooms the day after I deposit the money. The closer we get to the stay the more it could cost me. I really don't want to let them put me in a position of being a victim again. Is it something I should just suffer for my daughter if necessary to make this wedding special for her?

((( duk )))


Weddings can be (usually are) so stressful to plan.... and add an ex and ex inlaws...

My short answer is ~ no.. You are being practical.. and cautious...

Is there any way to get confirmations from those coming beforehand ??? but, of course, there will always be no shows and the such....

Just when I thought you were doing soooo great - DD wedding comes up.... ee gads.... you are back on my prayer list !!

And ~ do NOT put undue pressure, stress and most of all - guilt on yourself for her decisions.... try to remain semi calm....go along within reason !!!!

Thanks Carnation,

I am still doing pretty good overall, I just hate to let anything make this wedding any less special for my daughter. As much as the EX does not want to admit it the D and the resulting trust issues are impacting my daughter and this is just one vivid example.

I have tried to work around the in-law situation and do everything my daughter needs to do without putting myself in a position where the EX's family could hurt me in any way. My daughter is very bright and sees all of this and it does bother her. Nothing I can do but be as careful as I can and still try and show her all I care about is her in this. She deserves to have this be a very special event for her. I will make it happen. I'm hoping if I just keep trying she will see that and adjust her expectations of how all of this will sort itself out. Not what I wanted but I'm doing the best I can for her.

We told our daughters what the budget was for the wedding, and let them spend money as they saw fit. We also told them that if there was any money left, they could keep it. All of them came in under budget, and one only spent half of what she could have.

If you already have an amount in mind, maybe this would work for you. Then if there are problems, it is her loss, not your loss.

I have read much on this thread over the years. I hope everyone is doing well.

PB, what are your plans for the next few years? I am curious.

Eibrab, are you in NV? If you are, I am in an adjoining state.

I know Duk is in NV, but I am the other direction.

SS

HI SS!

I gave her the budget and told her the balance was hers to keep already, great minds think alike. The problem is if the ex-inlaws don't come thru on the rooms I'm on the hook for way more than the budget after all is said and done. The travel agent wants a better credit history on the contract or it would be simple to let DD sign and be liable. Nothing about this seems to be simple right now, and that is what I think is the problem.

Weddings in tropical locations while sounding romantic and special are way more complicated than this simple minded dukhuntr would have ever believed. Especially considering she is really going to get married here in front of a JP to avoid all the complications of a Mexican marriage license. All we are doing is putting on a show for the relatives who choose to attend. Tahoe is 30 miles away, 50 degrees cooler in June and just as pretty as any resort in Mexico ever thought of being. I'm just a Dad trying to do something my DD wants and deserves. Who am I to say what is right for her?

If it were me I'd do all the same things she is doing only at Tahoe for half the cost and keep the other half and have a nice start on a down payment on a house. Of course I'm a bean counter by trade and lot more budget conscience when it comes to this stuff. June 2008 is a long way off and a lot can happen between now and then. Hopefully it will become a little easier and a lot less nerve wracking.

Here is something just for you duk --

I Loved Her First ~ Heartland

click and enjoy (tissues may be necessary)

Ah - over budget.
You softie you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SS

Hi PB,Duk,Carnation & Eibrab: Well I had my divorce this past Thursday 5/10/07. We went to court they called my name, I had to go to the witness box and be sworn in. Ex sat at defendants table. The judge asked questions based on what you filed and said Is the marriage irrevocably broken and theres no chance for reconsiliation. I said yes and then he said that The dissolution of marriage was granted. To think that almost 13yrs of marriage was over in 10-15 minutes. Anyway I took (2) days off to process. I don't think it has hit me yet. Probably when I have to tell someone who new us as married that I'm divorced now I'll feel it. Throughout this process I didn't tell many people about it only because I didn't want to deal with questions you usually get ex. what happen? Anyway I home all well with everyone. Talk soon

((( toni )))

I am so sorry honey...

I wish I had the words... or was there to put my arms around you and make it all better - for just a little while...

Hi Toni

My thoughts have been with you these last few days... wondering how you are doing. In a way, going through emotional turmoil has a back handed benefit of making us appreciate ..more the times in life that are just normal.

You'll get through this. You will make new friends..have moments in the future where you forget all about it happening for a while at least.

Sunny day here .. Blue has been to the park..had kibble with beef broth and is looking up at me with a big smile.
As though to say... "Hey Mom.. we having another great day!"

You will get there too... I know it.

Big Hug

Paradise

Hi PB: Thanks for the kind words. I made past 1 week of being divorced. It's hard for me to even say the word to other people for fear of crying. When I watch tv and see wedding shows I have to turn the channel. When I hear what was my wedding song on the radio I turn it off. It hits me more when I'm at work. The thoughts just come running through. I then try to shake it off if only to make it through the day. I had to change my W-4 form to single. And when I got my check I was even madder because they took for money out. All I could think was that now I'm losing more money because of the divorce. Any way taking it one day at a time but every day it "hurts". Talk soon.

Toni...

Oh Toni.. (((T))) there is so much ahead of you now...so much good and so much that YOU are in control of. I am not certain where you may be, but I hope today is filled with sunshine, the sky is clear and blue and you smile even if you do not feel like it.

That will get you through.

Coconut ice cream helps, too.

Eibrab

Still Seeking..

I am in the Great Lakes area.. I'd give my left arm ( need the right one ) to live in Nevada..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eibrab

PB, Duk and Carnation...

Not much news worthy here. This is such a busy time of year for everyone.

The more I pull away in an attempt to try to get H's eyes opened - and mind you, I am always polite and continue my responsibilites - the more H continues to ignore me with a HUGE smile on his face.

Makes me wonder who is getting his attention.

Maybe it is the times, who knows for sure. I had a mildly traumatic, though not huge, event this week and when I tried to reach out to him, he actually called me "stupid" and hung up the phone on me. Not once, but twice.

I am seemingly getting used to this behavior and I am not letting it really bother me, though it does hurt.

This big, tough man walks around like he has the world by the ear, smiling and treating people with so much dignity...and then there's me... and how he treats me.

Odd thing here for my consideration, is that he actually was a man worth being around for quite some time after dday...

Still thinking in my world.

My largest female tortoise, Phyllis, has started a rather peculiar hole in the outdoor pen. She's being quite meticulous and is not sharing with the rest of the crew.

My fingers are crossed. Lord knows I do not need 75 fertile tortoise eggs at this time, but wouldn't one or two bring a dose of sunshine ? Anything in "baby" form is so special..

Except maybe flies and mosquitoes..

Oh, and I once had a dragon fly larvae clean out my goldfish population in the water garden.. I hate baby dragon flies with a passion... even though their parents make me smile...makes me wonder if being a pre-school teacher for very ill-behaved children isn't one of the worst jobs in history.

Bless you all,

Eibrab

((( Eibrab )))

I can relate alot to what you say...

Not too long ago, during a personal crisis, I naturally called my h (didn't have it in me to even put that in caps !!) bawling and I mean bawling my head off.. he let me take a breath - and said.... curtly...... I'm sorry - can I call you back !!!!

As he is not here, but driving around... who knows where - doing who knows what !! (truck driver)

I spend so much time by myself, which I actually like - but doesn't do our shaky marriage a bit of good...

I have alot of relatives and friends on Lake Huron.... well not ON it... you know....

If only I was not so scared....

Carnation...

I'll have to get back to you..can I respond later?

Hehe, couldn't resist.. aren't we something? Such decent women living for the respect of someone who just isn't giving it.

Are we THAT determined or are we simply what you wrote - scared? I never thought I was scared of anything UNTIL this mess...and this whole deal scares the beejeebies out of me.

I like being alone, too... way too much nowadays. H is really ruining things. I wonder if my not giving a hoot is ruining them even more.. or does he want me to rally and beg?

Eh..phooey.

I'm close to Lake Erie.. we could go fishing together when you get brave <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ..

Though I am sorry for what brought you around, I'm glad you are here, Carnation..

Many Blessings,

Eibrab

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thanks for the laugh...


It almost happened again tonight.... a crisis with my grandson.... how I love that little boy --- called h to vent a little.... my call went directly to voice mail....

He called me an hour or so later, but by then I was talking the problem over with a friend - who would pick up -- so I just ignored h calling back...

Oh I would love to drive up there and go fishing... what fun.... really the only thing I am afraid of is getting my heart handed to me on a paper plate....

E --- every single day when I talk with him on the phone.. he has been gone almost 5 weeks at this point --- it is always on the tip of my tongue * don't call me anymore ~ I am sick of doing this *... but I don't because I would prolly go into panic mode....

Why am I letting him decide MY future ????

Carnation..

THIS time, I really do need to get back to you..I want to give this as much thought as I can today.

Our worlds are so different, but so much the same... You are treated this way from afar, while it happens to my face.

You have a friend who understands.

Eibrab