Where to start...

First off, sorry this is not related to infidelity, but I read to post here to get good helpful advice.

My wife and I have been together for five years, married for over two. She's 25, has two B.S. degrees, one in math the other in secondary ed. I helped support her financially through three years of college. She worked for two years as a teacher but resigned without lining up another position because of being treated poorly at her school. I think she is emotionally immature and doesn't understand work in the "real world".

I'm almost 30 and we live with my parents. It is wholly embarassing, but I did it so we would have a better future. We are practically debt free and I make a good living working in a large corporation as a degreed accountant. Even so, I don't feel comfortable buying a cheap townhouse due to the cost of getting about nothing for a lot of money and adding in PMI, property tax, etc and with a baby on the way. Did I forget to mention that? Yes, she's 10 weeks pregnant.

Before getting married, we had plans on where we'd live, what type of house we'd buy, etc. While she was working and since I am an accountant, I budgeted what we could afford. Before getting married, I always figured a small house would be fine so I could save money for retirement, children's education, etc. My wife wanted extravagence, but I tamed her a bit to a large but affordable house.

Anyway, as I stated before she resigned from her old job in early June with nothing lined up. She is still currently unemployed. She doesn't want to go back to teaching because she says her last experience left a sour taste in her mouth. So all the money I supported her with through college was all for naught. She's now content trying to find a job working hourly about minimum wage. I can understand that temporarily until she has the baby, but I want to be in our own place when the baby is born. She is being very vague when I ask her what her plans are for working once the baby is born. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume it's because she genuinely doesn't know.

So, she has destroyed our plans. I can deal with that if I knew what she has planned now, but I don't. And I've asked her repeatedly in a nice way what her goals are. I've spoken to her calmly and told her that I'm very disappointed and depressed. But I am starting to get frustrated, angry, and beginning to resent her. Up until now, all I've thought about for us is to provide for us, create a solid comfortable future for us, cherishing her and making her happy. But I don't think she's reciprocating, and I don't think she respects me or cares as much about achieving our goals.

Most women who get pregnant continue to work. I don't understand why she can't even get a minimum wage job. She deserves more, but she's willing to settle! I tell her that she so much more intelligent than working in a dead-end job where she will see no advancement for years at a time. I would love for her to be able to stay at home and raise our baby proper, but our current society doesn't allow that for almost all except the lucky ones.

The paranoid side of me thinks she's trapped me on purpose. I do think about leaving her, but I don't want interaction with my baby to become a monthly payment for 18 years. I don't believe in abortion and I don't believe in divorce, neither of our parents went through divorce, so statistically, we're above the curve! But I'm at my wit's end.

I think almost daily that I'd be happier without her. I think most couples in marriages think the same now and then, but I think this often even before this current predicament.

I'm frustrated, angry and I feel trapped. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have advice? Thanks for reading.

Why is money such an issue for you?

As far as people choosing to be Stay-At-Home parents, they do it all the time. It's simply a matter of adjusting your lifestyle.

Seems you have communication issues with your wife. I would bet that SHE feels controlled and pushed by YOU.

Read as much as you can on here. Get His Needs Her Needs and take the emotional needs inventory.

And remember that you will die with the same amount of money you came into this world with - none.

Low

First of all...if she's pregnant....her hormones are raging....and she quite simply may not know what direction she wants to go in. Pregnancy can really mess with your hormones...and mind.

Secondly.....it's possible that she has decided that she is not cut out for the job of a teacher. If something leaves a bad taste in your mouth you aren't going to put it back in your mouth and pretend that it's all good. At least I wouldn't be able to do that.

It's quite possible that she is at a point in her life where she doesn't exactly know what she wants to do....career wise. So she isn't avoiding the questions....she really doesn't know.

It's hard to tell you what your wife is thinking.

I'm just speaking from experience.

Low,

Perhaps she does feel controlled. However, it seems she is all about the independent behavior and his love bank has suffered.

It's one thing to talk about it and make an agreement (the POJA) about what you are going to do. It's quite another to say, I don't like this, so I quit.

I would be curious to find out how much she feels they are mutual plans vs his idea that she went along with. However, if she led him down the path to say, yeah, that's fine, I will go along with your plan, then she has some explaining to do.

The bottom line is you can't dwell on what you feel are broken promises and you can't make someone do something. So my suggestion is that the couple here learn about the POJA and implement it.

If she is not enthusiatic about his plan, they don't do it. If he is not enthusiastic about her plan, they don't do it. Once they get to something that they can both be enthusiatic about, then they can both be motivated to make it happen.

But calling one lazy and emotionally immature and calling the other obsessed with money won't fix any of the issue either.

Learning to implement the POJA is what I'd suggest.


T

First, ditto on the raging hormones while being pregnant. There is no cure for this. After she has the baby there will be new raging hormones. No cure for that either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Second, life throws you some curves even with the most well thought out plans. There are bumps in the road (kids are a big one) that may make you change your plans completely or slow them down.

Third, your wife is 25 and had had three years of schooling. So, she made her choice for her future when she was 19/20 years old? I don't think choices we make for our future at such an early age are written in stone. People change, interests change. Being a teacher (I worked as a TA for 5 years) is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It takes total detication. If she was being treated poorly it may have turned her totally off to that profession. Now she is pregnant, maybe her plans NOW have more to do with raising this child than how big the house will be that you live in, how much money you have in the bank, or if her job is looked upon as a professional job or not.

Not trying to be sarcastic or anything but you are basing your feeling about her on her career and your "plans". What would be wrong with lowering your standards for a few years so maybe she can be a stay at home mom and enjoy the most tender years of your childs life and really think about what she would like to do? Maybe she will want to be a stay at home mom, maybe she will want to wait until your child is school aged before she works, maybe she will want to go back to work after the baby is born. Once you have children the "plans" change, bottom line.

One question. If you had known before you married that she would not follow this "plan" would you of still married her? A marriage is not about what we have, the jobs we have, what it appears to look like from the outside. It is about what is in the inside.

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I can take everything thrown at me, good or bad, I just want to resolve this and get back on track.

Why is money such an issue for me? Well, it's not as much as you make it out to be, but it is in my nature - as stated, I'm an accountant.

But it is not by any means my own doing. My wife had her own plans for us which were straining financially and probably unrealistic or utopian.

My wife has a habit of not thinking things through. I say she's immature emotionally, one reason being because she make decisions though the heart. She doesn't think what repercussions her current decisions will have.

She has been a part of EVERY decision we have made to this point. There are numerous times I gave her sound advice after much thought, but she went against it and it blew up in our faces. So I have become a bit more controlling lately because of this fact.

So she is a stay-at-home parent, which I'm all for, IF I made enough money. 50k ain't cutting it these days with the housing bubble and no property tax reform in PA. So until she gets a job, she will be a stay-at husband's parent's home-mom, which is incredibly degrading to me since I've worked very hard to get where I am today.

I feel I communicate to her well. I am a straight forward, no BS type of guy. I like to get things out in the open so we can get on with our lives. I think she's not communicating with me enough since I don't know what her plans are.

Yes, I understand my wife's hormones are raging and truly, I have been as supporting as I can be to her. I make the runs to the grocery store, cook for her when she's not feeling well, give her attention and emotional support, etc. And she milks it for all it's worth.

I will read up on the POJA. I think that's a good start.

I DO mind that she has crushed our plans, but I am not unreasonable enough not to readjust. I am willing to create new goals, if only I knew what they were. Obviously, I am a very goal-oriented person.

I've pondered this question almost every day for three months and periodically before that.

First, let me say that our plan isn't MY plan. In fact, she made most of the plans, which I tried to convey in my previous posts. As I stated earlier, I was content with living way below our means so we would not live paycheck to paycheck, we could buy items with cash instead of credit, we could travel, save for retirement, pay for our child's education, etc - so we could live comfortably, happily, and provide for our and our childen's futures. But my wife wanted more, so I appeased her. Now it was all for naught.

Let me also say that she originally went for Comp Sci in college but switched majors after 2.5 years. Fine and dandy, I supported her. This is her second change in what she wanted to do. Now she doesn't know what she wants to do. Obviously it irks me. I know she will be unhappy in an idle job, which is why I'm pushing her to stay motivated to have a successful career. She grew up wanting to do her best and achieve. Why would that change suddenly?

I think one thing many people are attracted to others for is being goal-oriented. My wife was goal-oriented. Now she's not and it's affecting our marriage. Would I have married her if I knew this would happen? Probably for the reason you stated - she is good inside, she is just lost, which has made me lost. It really is true that when you become married, you become one.

GB, You still sound VERY patriarchical. Your post is rife with disrespectful judgements. What's worse is I don't even think you see them a disrespectful. You are not her father. She is an adult. What you have written sounds like you see her as a child. You speak like you have "allowed" her to be a part but you've had to "take control" because because, in your view, things blew up. I think you need to work on learning to see things from your wife's POV and start respecting her as an equal partner instead of a "junior" partner.



Also, I'm quite familiar with the economic situation in PA. There are MANY families who are doing quite well on 50k without having to live with their parents. What you are REALLY saying is that you don't want to give up the LIFESTYLE you are used to in order to accommodate a SAHM.



Based on what I get from your posts, you think telling her things is communication. It's not...you have one mouth and two ears for a reason. Do you REALLY listen and consider what she is telling you when she speaks? Do respect her as an equal adult? I seriously doubt there good communication happening here. However, I think work towards understanding each other's emotional needs and implementing the four rules will help you greatly in this area.



DISRESPECTFUL. Doesn't sound very loving AT ALL.



Again, were these plans that you both were jointly enthusiastic about? When you say "I am willing to create new goals" don't you really mean to say "I am willing to POJA with my wife to find goals we can both be enthusiastic about"?

Low

Here, GB...I have a goal for you...

"I want to ensure that my wife is happy and fulfilled"

It took my wife a long time to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. Sometimes it was frustrating to see her change ideas in mid stream, but I would rather see her do that than commit to a path that she would be miserable in.

We were fortunate in that I made plenty for us to live on...a whole 25k a year. Could we buy a house? Nope...but we did have modest rental home. We had a decent car. Couldn't afford a washer, dryer, or microwave. But somedays I'd give anything to have the happy bliss of those days back. Our walks to the coin laundry were great times.

Our financial paths and goals have changed many times over the years. Early in our marriage, it would frustrate me. Then I learned that flexibility is a big key to happiness.

My wife eventually got to the point in our marriage where she treated me like a "junior" partner. When she asked my opinion about things, I felt patronized instead of valued. it usually felt like she had her mind made up but just wanted to be able to say that I was "involved".

I still feel some resentment about this, so I'm pretty sensitive when I see it here.

These days, we have worked to a point of equal partnership. Do I always agree with her ideas? Nope. But we HEAR and validate each other. If she feels strongly about something, I know I need to listen...I've learned that she's pretty sharp. She's learned that I have an idea or two as well. I really love this new phase of our marriage. We treat each other like ADULTS. And that is SO cool...

Low

Here is a link to the four rules:

The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Geebee, it may be worth sitting down with your wife and deciding what type of lifestyle you both want. I make 1/2 of what you make, with a child, and I'm doing okay. I have no car payment, only one credit card that I could pay off tomorrow if I wanted to. When I want to go buy something--I buy it, and I don't settle--I get what I WANT. I will stipulate here that I am not a big shopper, but I certainly do not go without. I have money invested and I save for my retirement separately from that as well. I live in a high-priced, low wage area. Trix will attest to that :-)

Don't ignore POJA. I think it could be a marriage-saver for you. If you're willing to down-size your lifestyle, share your "plan" with your wife. If your wife would like to stay at home for awhile (I do understand your frustration that she doesn't know what she wants right now, but it seems that FOR NOW, her inaction is a fairly good answer for you), POJA with her the lifestyle you will be able to afford without her working.

Please consider some things as well so you're more able to see things from her POV. Some people are HAPPY and FULFILLED in low-paying jobs with little chance of advancement. It is not that they are not goal-oriented--it is that they have found what has made them happy. Perhaps your wife is one of these people. Perhaps finishing her education WAS her big goal (a good one), but she does not have a burning need to be at the top of her degreed-field. Or perhaps she suffers from a low-grade depression because her chosen field, that she worked hard towards being trained in, is not what she expected. It can be a bit overwhelming to think of the years you just spent getting that degree only to find that you intensely dislike the outcome. If your wife was happy as a clam working at McDonald's--would you support her in that?

I'm just throwing things out of left field here as I hope you will look at this from many angles. I am one of those people whose spouse thought she was very unmotivated and not goal-oriented and that could not be further from the truth. He was not looking at the circumstances surrounding my supposed "unmotivation" (I don't think that's a word!) and now I am going through a divorce that is just about killing me. Lol...and what's his current girl like who's "everything he ever wanted"? She works in a surf-shop. Go figure, huh?

Anyway, please look at this from all angles. Approach your wife in a way that will make her feel safe to share her thoughts and plans with you. I get a very strong feeling from you that you are very disappointed in your wife and have lost much respect for her. She may be afraid of sharing with you if she thinks you will disapprove of her thoughts/plans.

Low, thanks for the constructive criticism, I mean that sincerely. I know some of my actions and attitude can be patronizing, but it usually only when I'm frustrated with the situation. She truly is a joint partner in all our decisions.

I think part of the problem is that my wife relies on me and depends too much on me. She wants me to be the decision maker. I think the age difference is a small problem at this point in our marriage, but I am confident it will not be later.

I am not a dominating type of person in my eyes. I like to think I make well thought out decisions, and my wife has come to respect that. However, it seems that I am not seeing the big picture from all angles.

Aislinn - you hit the nail on the head.

Trix - thanks for the link, I'll read up today.

Thanks to everyone else who suggested the POJA.