My WS left me in May to "sort things out". I discovered in June she was having an A. She filed for divorce in July. After 23 years of what she always described as a happy and passionate marriage I was shocked, devastated, etc. etc. Unfortunately I did all the wrong things. I begged, bargained, judged her, and lost it once or twice with angry outbursts. Once I discovered MB I realized it was my not meeting her most important needs that left her vulnerable to the A. I talked with her about it and told her it was no longer about the A or the pending D but it was about whether or not there was any hope for us. She appreciated my new oulook and accepted my apologies but assured me there was absolutely no turning back for her. In her words her heart was "stone cold, and once a womans heart grows cold there is no changing it". Here is my question. She will not let me get close enough to effectively attempt plan A. I've tried several times to find even a hint of willingness on her part to allow me in and she shuts me down harder each time. Is Plan B appropriate when Plan A never got a chance to unfold?

She isn't just feeding you a line here. This is an unfortunate truth. Women fall in love quickly and when they decide to, the stop loving just as quickly. We men are baffled by this, since it isn't in us to do this. My ex did the same thing. After she had filed for the D, she told me that she felt really bad for me because I had fought so hard to save our marriage. She said it was noble, but that her heart was cold to me and that would never change.

I spoke to my marriage therapist about this and she reminded me that she had told me earlier that I needed to prepare myself for the possibility that I would not be able to save my marriage. She told me that when a woman makes up her mind that she's finished, regardles of the reason, she's finished and there's almost no possibility of changing her mind. I've read some scholarly work on this phenomenon, which some people call the "runaway wife syndrome." Regardless of any other issue, your W will not even try to change her mind while she is involved with the OM. She'd gone, she's with him, and a Plan A/Plan B cannot work in this situation.

All you can do now is move on yourself. I know that hurts, but you have no choice.

I suggest you move on over to general questions where your sort of situation is worked on every day. Your wife will be stone cold to you as long as the affair is going on.

Have you exposed the affair to people? Is the OM married?

By the way, there are a ton of women here who thought they were done with their marriage who are back in love again.

cur,
Wow. 202 posts and registered a WHOLE month now!
You are really up on your stuff! (not)

She'd gone, she's with him, and a Plan A/Plan B cannot work in this situation.
Uh, sure it can. Obviously, you have not read much of anything on this site including Plan A or Plan B...
Plan B can be successful whether you reconcile or not.

All you can do now is move on yourself. I know that hurts, but you have no choice.
You are such a ray of sunshine for the individual in pain & not knowing what to do. (not).

WTB,

I suggest you read the links below and also, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr WIllard Harley.

While I certainly hope that wtb can find a way to win his wife's love again, I am realistic. SHE IS GONE. She's left and has been gone and with her OM for three months now. Moreover, she has been emphatic that she will not go back; she's finished. What part of that can we not understand? Do you think this woman is lying? What posssible purpose would that serve? She's told wtb that she is finished and he has to accept that. It isn't like she's sleeping next to him and he's just learned of her A.

For any of us to give wtb false hope is just wrong. Sometime the truth hurts, Chris, but it is still the truth. There have been some successes here in recovering from affairs, but they are very few and far between. Even more rare is a recovery once the WS has left and been gone awhile.

I want someone, anyone to tell me how a Plan A can possibly work when the spouse isn't even around? How can you meet the EA's of an absent person, who has already told you that she appreciates the effort, but that she's finished and has moved on - a woman who is having her EAs met by someone else and doesn't even want your effort? By the same token, a Plan B can't work in this situation either. She's gone, so of what possible use can a Plan B to anyone other than wtb in his effort to get on with his life?

Chris, your first sentence is one of the most disrepectful judgements I've seen anyone use here. How would you feel if I were to say to you that you've been registered here for six years, have posted 7758 times, preach the gospel of MB, but you are divorced, so obviously, you don't have any better answer than I? I understand you probably didn't mean to be so rude. Willard Harley has some great ideas, they CAN and HAVE worked, but they have to be applied at the right time and in the right way. There is no one size fits all answers here or anywhere.

Check - There have been folks who recovered their marriage, who never even left the divorce board. I've seen lots of surprises here. It is very difficult to predict.

But the main reason to follow the MB plan is to know that you did your absolute best to save the marriage.

I was just coming back to change my post because it was a bit rude.
My apologies.

However, to simply tell him, "all you can do now is move on yourself. I know that hurts, but you have no choice" is not going to help him get through it.
How in the world is he supposed to know how to do that, when he is just getting into it all? Most of us started out the same way. We had the world dropped on our head and had no idea of ANYTHING we could/should do.

I don't tell anyone that this stuff WILL save their marriage.
Harley does not tell anyone this stuff WILL save his marriage. In fact, I believe he does say that using MB may NOT save the marriage.

Plan A and Plan B are not ONLY about saving the marriage, although I do believe they give you the best chance at doing so.
Plan A/B are also designed to help the betrayed spouse (in the famous words of a ws) "just get over it".

[b]She'd gone, she's with him, and a Plan A/Plan B cannot work in this situation.
This is exactly one of the situations for which Plan B was developed.
Realistically, Plan B works as long as the bs does it properly.
"Working" does not mean only reconciliation. It works by "just getting over it" much easier.

As I suspected, Chris, which is why I don't get my dander up when people get snippy sometimes. I thought this rather uncharacteristic of you.

Whether his os actively trying to save his marriage or giving it up, he still must move on. If he doesn't he will get stuck. The great part about moving on for him now will send another clear message to his WW. She already knows he loves her, he's willing to to what is required, but failing htat, he's prepared to get on with his life with or without her. Now, having said this, I believe hat going through a Plan A, that is doing what he can to show her he's willing to meet her EAs, is still a good idea, since she will see that he is earnest. It's remotely possible that when the shine dulls on that steamy affair, she'll turn around and wonder what the H*ll she's been playing at. But this is very remote.

I've read up on Plan A/Plan B, even tried it myself. They are meant for situations where the spouses are still together and you are trying to make yourself a better alternative to the OP. I can see how that can work, especially in situations where the WS's EAs have not been being met. And, of course, a Plan B sends a strong message that the BS is not fooling around. Yet, I cannot see how either can work when the WS has already left and is completely wrappped up in the OP. Isn't that a bit like watering a flower after it has already died?

I asked my MT if she was familiar with Harley's Plan A/Plan B concept. She was, it's a technique used my many MTs. But she said the decision to used this method must be carelfulkly weighed, since some WS's will interpret a Plan A as "permission" to have their cake and eat it to, and the result can be psychologically devastating to the BS. She sais that going straight into a Plan B is sometimes the better course of action. Normally, she says, the best course of action is to rebuild intimacy and give the couple motivation for working on the marital problems. But, as we know, when there's an A, the A must end before anything else can be done. I believe Harley would wholeheartedly agree with this.

Believer, I agree completely. I would only extend you comment by saying that you try everything, not just MB. Do MB, Smart Marriages, formal MT (a must IMHO), read, read, read and then do, do,do. I'm sure there are some success stories to be found here. But this forum is for those of us who are either going through or have been through a divorce. If someone isn't there, they need to be directed away from this forum by the participants. The others would be more useful. If they are here and the know that the divorce is going to happen, we must support them in that crisis without giving them false hope. I believe that unfortunately wtb is there. I wish that weren't true and, for his sake, I hope to goodness I get egg all over my face!

Seems like we have lost wth - but I agree with you, Check. This is a great forum for those who are divorcing. He is no where near being ready for a divorce. There is still lots of hope for his marriage.

Believer,

Thanks for the encouraging response. Yes, I have exposed the affair to others, particularly to those friends who she lied to about the relationship. No the OM is not married. He is recently divorced...his wife left him over his unfaithfulness!

Chris

This is a Godsend! Being lost and confused this whole site and now particularly this forum is at least a rope to grab on to. Thanks for your perspective and concern.

After giving some more thought to this I am convinced plan B is where I need to go, as much for myself as for WW. She is on a mission to get the entire family (particularly our 4 daughters) to accept OM as part of her new life and everybody is resisting. Since I've stopped with the disrespectful judgments I can feel her leveraging my 'acceptance' with everyone. She not only wants to have her cake and eat it too, she wants everyone else to see how good this all turned out for everyone involved. Even though it is admittedly late, I am hoping plan B will be an unexpected reality check and at least burst the "we can all live happily as a big blended family" bubble.

Thanks again.

Hey Believer, Chris, CUH and anyone else out there with some wisdom and perspective,

I've decided I need to take the Plan B approach as my only proactive option to save our marriage and more likely to get myself in a position where I can focus on moving on. I've attached a draft of my proposed letter but before sending it would appreciate any feedback or suggestions. Thx.


Dear WS

This is going to be the most difficult letter I will ever write.

I have been slow to accept what has happened. You left. You filed for divorce. You are with another man. You told me clearly from the beginning that it is over and you have no intention or desire to come back. I’m not sure what part I didn’t get. But I finally accept that it is over. Unfortunately my love and longing for you is not. To see you, hear your voice on the phone or even to hear your name mentioned makes my heart race and stirs up all the pain and emotion of the past 3 months. Some days it drags me into depression. Other days I just leave the office to cry. Other days I manage ok. But it occupies my heart and mind 24/7.

I’ve thought carefully about this. When I married you, I married for life. I found my split-apart and we became one. I never imagined (and still cannot imagine) being with out you. My heart was not built to share you or to have only a left over part of you. I cannot handle the pain of staying in a relationship with you under the current conditions. I cannot move on with my life and heal and be the father and person I need to be and at the same time endure the pain our current relationship is causing.

I do not hate you. I love you and want the best for you. If we never get back together, ending our relationship and all contact with each other will help us both move on and is in both our best interests. If God’s will changes current hearts and circumstances and ours turns into a great love story, the break at this time will also have served us well.

This is NOT a Plan B letter.

Have you read, "Surviving An Affair" by Dr Willard Harley?
I HIGHLY recommend you do BEFORE you do anything towards Plan B.
Use the example in the book as a template & tailor it for you.

Here is a how a Plan B letter should be structured.

1 – I love you
2 - Our marriage was good because…
3 – I apologize for things in the past such as…
4 – Your affair hurts. No contact. Arrangements made through friend…
5 – We can have a great marriage and this is what I would like…
6 – I love you

Try not to mix the messages in each paragraph.

Chris, don't forget the important part about not having contact with spouse BECAUSE you want to save the marriage. That is essential too. If the spouse sees no contact as punishment or because you want to move on, it can be counter productive.

Thanks everyone for the great feedback. I've followed up with some of the recommended reading and am re-writing the letter.